Dancing in the Rain (16 page)

When Helen had taken the dishes to the bathroom to rinse them, Carolyn opened Ed’s letter. Today more than ever she needed the reminders of home and why she had come to France that Ed’s letters always brought. Carolyn slid the paper from the envelope. She had read only a few paragraphs when she felt the blood drain from her face. No! It couldn’t be. Carolyn forced herself to reread Ed’s words. She had not imagined them.

Is something wrong?
he had written. Oh, yes, so much was wrong, but he wasn’t supposed to know that.
Perhaps it’s my imagination that your last letters have sounded different, but I’m worried.
Carolyn flinched as if she had been struck. She had failed in her most important undertaking. It appeared that even though she had tried to make her letters seem carefree, somehow Ed had realized that she was concealing something. Instead of reassuring him, she had caused him worry. Carolyn closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She would make it up to him, starting today. Ed was going to get the most cheerful letters of anyone on the Western Front.

When she had gotten her heartbeat back to normal, Carolyn returned to Ed’s letter.
I love you so much, my darling.
The words were there in black and white.
And I love you,
she thought. She would tell him that each time she wrote. Ed must never doubt her love.

As Carolyn turned the page and read his final words, tears filled her eyes.
All I want is for you to be happy. Remember that, if something should happen to me.
She dashed the tears from her cheeks, and her hands trembled as she slipped the letter back into the envelope. Unlike Theo, Ed had never spoken of the possibility of injury or death. Why, oh why, had he raised that specter now? Was it something she had said or—just as bad—something she had not said? Willing her hands to be steady, Carolyn reached for a piece of stationery.

Carolyn stared at the paper, hoping Ed would believe her lies. He had to; he simply had to.

Dwight was whistling as he soaped his face. Had there ever been such a glorious day? He grinned as he looked into the mirror, carefully wielding the razor. By all rights, he should be dejected. Louise had jilted him, and his life plan was in shambles. Instead, he felt relieved, as if a burden had been lifted. He hadn’t felt that way last night. After he’d left Carolyn, the euphoria that that crazy dance and that even crazier kiss had created had dissipated, and he had found himself overcome with anger. It was a phenomenon he had observed in some of his patients’ families when a loved one died. At first they would be in shock, doing and saying things that often seemed irrational. But shock would fade, replaced by a fierce anger. In that state, they would lash out at almost anyone.

Fortunately for Dwight’s roommates, no one had been in the room when he had hurled the ring Louise refused to wear. How could she do this to him? Dwight had bent down, picking up the ring and clenching it so tightly that the stone had cut his hand, while he dealt with his fury. It was unconscionable that Louise would break their engagement, but it was even worse that she had been seeing Harold for many months and had never told Dwight that she was having second thoughts about their engagement. How dare she deceive him?

His anger had raged, and he had been certain he would be unable to sleep. Inexplicably, once he had fallen asleep, he had slept well—and dreamlessly—and had wakened with an unexpected sense of relief. The odd thing was, Dwight hadn’t been aware of carrying a weight. Oh, he’d known that his responsibility to the injured soldiers weighed on him. That was to be expected. But he hadn’t realized that the thought of marriage had been like a yoke. It was only now that it was gone that he felt oddly carefree. Perhaps he was not meant to marry.

Dwight flicked soap into the bowl, then stropped the razor. The way he was feeling made no sense, just as it made no sense that he was thinking of Carolyn and the kiss they had shared. Admittedly, it had been the best kiss of his life. Dwight grinned at the sheer absurdity of it. No one would believe that he, solemn Dwight Hollins, had gone dancing in a muddy courtyard, with rain drenching him and wind whistling through his clothing. Even more incredible was the fact that he had actually enjoyed the dance and that he had somehow wound up kissing his partner, the beautiful and oh so kissable Clothespin Carolyn.

Dwight grinned again. Though he spent hours with Carolyn every day, until yesterday he had not realized just how kissable her lips were. Even though he had danced with her countless times when they were practicing for their Christmas exhibition, he had never realized how wonderful it would feel, holding her close to him, or how her smile would heal the lacerations Louise had inflicted. The fact was, Carolyn was a special woman, and yesterday had been a special day. Dwight rinsed and dried his face, then resumed his whistling.

She didn’t look any different, he realized as Carolyn took her place opposite him in the operating theater. Her uniform looked the same as always, and she worked with the same precision she always did. She even greeted him with the same smile she always wore. Why, then, did he think that today was different? Surely it wasn’t only that the weight was gone.

“Suture.” He held out his hand, waiting for her to place the thread in it. When she did, her fingertips brushed his and Dwight almost dropped the suture. Had she experienced it, that electrical current that had swept through him? It had felt a bit like the time he had inadvertently touched a bare wire with wet hands. There was the same shock; and yet the similarity ended there. For whereas touching the wire had been unpleasant, the touch of Carolyn’s fingers on his was exciting and made him crave more.

Dwight clenched his jaw. This was absurd. He was in an operating room where men’s lives depended on his skills. They needed his total concentration. He could not afford to be distracted, thinking of how beautiful Carolyn was or how sweet her lips had tasted. After all, he was a grown man, not a moonstruck youth.

“Forceps.” This time Dwight was careful to grab the instrument by the very end, as far from Carolyn’s fingers as was humanly possible. There! He was once more on an even keel. The little shock had been a momentary aberration, nothing more.

The rest of surgery was uneventful, as he and Carolyn worked to bind wounds and stave off infections. It was amazing, Dwight realized, how well they worked together. It was almost as if they choreographed their steps as carefully as the Castles, those dancers she kept talking about, did. Except for that one moment when he had reacted so oddly to her touch, they had functioned as a team, moving with precision, never faltering. It was, other doctors had told him, something they had never before seen. When he had first heard one of his colleagues’ comments, Dwight had wondered what had caused the difference. Now he knew. It was Carolyn. She was special.

“Are you ready for dinner?” he asked her when they were scrubbing their hands at the end of the day. Though he had tried to keep the thoughts at bay while they worked, there was no longer any reason to deny that he had been looking forward to spending some time with Carolyn. Her gentle humor would keep him laughing. Carolyn had told him that laughter healed. After yesterday and the way laughter had turned into something wonderful, something that healed him in ways he had never even dreamed possible, he now knew he wanted to laugh every day.

But Carolyn, it seemed, did not agree. She shook her head slowly. “I promised to visit Corporal Seymour,” she said.

Dwight raised an eyebrow. There was no reason she had to go to the wards now. “I stopped by this morning,” he told her. “The corporal is doing well.”

Though she nodded in acknowledgment of his assurance, it was clear that Carolyn was determined to make the visit now. And though she said nothing more, Dwight sensed that she was unwilling to dine with him today. It was, he tried to tell himself, understandable. After all, yesterday had been an extraordinary day for both of them. Perhaps she needed time to adjust to all that had happened.

“Would you like to join me on my rounds?” he asked when they had finished their shift in the operating theater the next day.

Carolyn gave him a little smile as she shook her head. “I need to write Ed a letter,” she said.

Ed. Of course. Dwight tried to quell his disappointment that writing a letter was more important than being with him … and the patients, of course. It was foolish to wish Carolyn were free. After all, it wasn’t as if Dwight wanted to marry her himself. Carolyn wouldn’t be the perfect doctor’s wife the way Louise would have been. Carolyn was too much of a distraction, and her impulsive actions would undoubtedly cause problems. Dwight was a man who liked his life neatly arranged; Carolyn would wreak havoc with that arrangement.

He knew that. But knowing that Carolyn was engaged to another man and that, even if she were not, she was not the woman for him, didn’t stop his mind from moving in unexpected directions. He thought about her during the day, and even sleep provided no respite from his fantasies. Last night he had dreamed of a woman coming out of a pleasant house. Though he had never seen the house before, somehow Dwight had known that it was his house, the one he had bought for his family. And when he woke, he realized that it was Carolyn he had seen leaving the house, her backward glance telling him that she lived there, too. It was foolish, of course, to have dreams like that, for they could never come true. Nevertheless, Dwight could not deny that he had awakened with a smile on his face after he had dreamed of sharing his life with Carolyn.

The sun was shining the next morning. It was, Dwight told himself, a good omen. Though she might dance in the rain, Carolyn loved sunshine. Surely she would agree to accompany him when he walked into Goudot. But she did not, and this time the reason she gave sounded like a feeble excuse.

It was not his imagination. The first two days, he had thought it merely coincidence that he and Carolyn were not in the dining room or the staff lounge at the same time. Now he knew that it was a deliberate move on her part. She was avoiding him. She could not avoid him in the operating theater, but she could—and did—ensure that they did not meet anywhere else.

Dwight frowned as he realized there was only one reason for her changed behavior. The kiss. It was as clear as today’s sky that she regretted it. He ought to regret it, too. After all, she was engaged to Ed. He had no business kissing another man’s fiancée. But, try though he might, Dwight could not regret the sweetest moment of his life.

Dwight was back from his excursion into Goudot. Carolyn made certain of that before she grabbed her cloak. The last thing she wanted to do was inadvertently meet him, when what she needed to do was to distance herself from him. It was supposed to be getting easier. By now she should have been able to relegate that one afternoon to its proper place, a tiny spot buried deep inside her memory. Carolyn had heard that memories faded with time. Unfortunately, try though she might to ignore it, this one wouldn’t be banished.

The rain that had stopped for a few hours began again, and that only made it worse. Though Carolyn had once dreaded rain, now she could not help smiling when it came, for the sight of rain triggered memories that she could not dismiss. Rain reminded her of Dwight. More than that, it reminded her of that magic afternoon when they had danced in the rain. The worst part was, she didn’t need rain to bring that scene to the forefront of her mind. No, indeed. Each night she dreamed of Dwight and how wonderful it had felt to be held in his arms. Each night, they were dancing. And each night she relived the kiss they had shared. It was wrong. Carolyn knew that. She was engaged to Ed. She loved Ed, and Dwight was … just a friend.

Carolyn furled her umbrella and shook it before she entered the candy store. She had come into town to buy something for Ed. Though she had tried her best to make her correspondence cheerful, his last letters had seemed so filled with foreboding that she wanted to do something special to help boost his spirits.

“I’ll take some of that.” Carolyn pointed to a tray of licorice. When she mailed it to Ed, she would remind him of how they used to sneak pieces from his mother’s candy jar, forgetting that—unless they were very careful—they would have sticky residue on their fingers and mouths that would betray their theft. Ed would laugh. At least she hoped he would.

As she paid for the candy, Carolyn spotted the display of tinned toffees. Though she had worried about his reaction, Dwight had been visibly pleased by the gift. How he had laughed when he’d seen the dancing couple on the lid! Carolyn smiled at the memory, then bit her lip. Thinking of Dwight was like a disease, and no matter what she did, she seemed unable to find the antidote. She had to! Somehow she had to stop the memories. It wasn’t right that everything she saw or did reminded her of times she and Dwight had spent together. She couldn’t continue to live this way, torn between her traitorous memory and her sense of honor.