Hidden (To Love A Killer #1) (9 page)

              Hunter knew what they were thinking. She knew the girls thought she had turned into a monster. Maybe she had. That’s what the farmhouse had done to her. It had done it to all of them. There had come a time when Hunter had snapped, she knew it. She had lost it. She had reached a point where she couldn’t bear to hear one more girl screaming in the darkness of night. The anguish, the misery that had been carried in every cry, every wail of horror, was unbearable. Hunter had made it her business to protect and restore all of the girls as best she could, just like they had protected her when they could and put her back together after her long nights of torture in the barn. But the fact was that Hunter had reached a breaking point where everything had been unbearable, even the painstaking recovery that each girl went through after returning from the barn. Hunter had reached a point where she would rather end the pain than hear the terrible cries for even one more second. So one night, when one of the girls had been screaming herself to sleep after many hours alone with the men in the barn, Hunter had found her. She had placed a pillow over the girl’s head and taken her life away.

              Hunter had been just barely thirteen. She had acted on impulse, driven by insanity. She hadn’t been able to believe what she had done after it was over. And she hadn’t done anything like it again for years after. But then, eventually the darkness crept back in and she did it again, and again. And that’s when she had known they’d really gotten her.

              Deep down Hunter knew that’s why the men had come back for her. Because she had become the same kind of monster they were. And they needed her to control the girls.

              “I’m sorry,” she whispered, making herself glance up to meet their gazes. “That’s not who I am. I would never hurt anyone.”

              When Hunter looked at Jenna, she seemed to appear sympathetic. She had missed Jenna. Hunter was so glad to see that she was alive and well, and that Andy and Margot were, too.

              “Dale and Travis were just here,” said Jenna, who continued even after Andy smacked her arm. “They took Molly and Devon. Can you help?”

              Hunter stared intensely at the girls as a torrent of emotions flooded through her.

              Finally, she answered, “Yes.”

              Suddenly, Hunter noticed the girls had become distracted by something behind her. She turned around and saw Ash and Twitch walking over. When Hunter turned back, she noticed Andy seemed to be staring at Ash with a great deal of recognition and familiarity as though they knew one another. It struck Hunter as peculiar.

              Then Andy said something to Ash that made Hunter’s heart skip a beat.

              “What’s the plan?”

              Hunter had been sitting in Ash’s bathroom smoking a cigarette near the open window for way too long, while the girls, Ash, and Twitch regrouped in the studio. She was hoping the cigarette smoke that was wafting under the door would give everyone a clue of what she was doing in here and they’d leave her alone. She needed to be alone. She needed space.             

              Ultimately, Hunter knew she should be involved in their conversation, she needed to be a part of the plan, and voice her opinion on exactly what should be done about the New Hampshire men, and how they should get Molly and Devon back, but Hunter simply couldn’t handle it. Ash had forbid her to go off alone. He had even forbidden her to return to her own apartment, so the bathroom had become her only option.

              It blew her mind that Ash knew the girls from the farmhouse. She couldn’t believe he knew Carolyn, aka Twitch who had been her closest friend throughout her darkest years.

              She needed to understand how it was all possible. She needed answers, but Ash had shut down in the alley. It had been the type of reaction she would have expected from someone who had done something wrong and knew they had. Had Ash done something wrong?

              The fact of the matter was that Hunter knew virtually nothing about him. How could she have been so stupid as to trust him? And now she was tied up in him, attached. There would be no way to get away from him. She had relied on someone she hadn’t known at all, and was now finding out he had been nothing more than secrets and lies.

              What other secrets was he hiding?

              What scared Hunter was that she was beginning to realize that Ash had kept himself hidden from her, and she had done the same. Was there any hope of a real relationship between two people who refused to show each other who they really were?

              Deep down she knew she would never really want Ash to know the details of what had happened to her at the farmhouse, in the barn, how she had escaped, or her darkest days, the nights when the screaming had been too much to bear and she executed the screamer to save her sanity. How could she have any hope of foraging a real connection with him, of having a real relationship, when they were just two people who cared more about hiding themselves from everyone else than allowing each other in?

              She was hiding even now, wasn’t she? A normal person would probably demand answers and try to reinstate their connection. They would force themselves and the other person into the hard conversations, knowing that on the other side they would be closer to one another, and stronger. She didn’t know how normal people did it. She was too scared to do anything but finish her cigarette. She blew smoke out the window and tried not to hear the scared and arguing voices on the other side of the door.

              The smell of smoke clung to her hair and seemed to stick to her salty skin. She could use a shower. Gazing out the window at the busy avenue, Hunter wondered what the lives of those people outside were like. Where had they come from? What secrets were they carrying? Whatever it was, she had a feeling it was far better than her own personal history. A young woman dressed in a floral sundress was arching her head back, laughing, and holding the arm of a guy. Her date, probably. They didn’t seem to have a care in the world. Why wasn’t that Hunter’s life? Could it ever be? Probably not. Part of her always wanted to live like that, carefree and bubbly. But the other part, a much larger, darker part of her wanted to kill, had always wanted that.

              If no one from her past existed anymore, if they were all killed off, would she finally be free? Could she become whoever she wanted?

              There was a quiet knock on the bathroom door. Hunter turned her head, eying the lock, making sure it was in place. She made no motion to step away from the window and let in whoever was standing out there. She figured one of the girls had to use the bathroom. They could wait.

              “Just give me a minute, okay?” She called out through the door.

              “Let me in, Hunter.” It was Ash. His voice sounded gentle, less commanding than she would’ve thought considering the circumstances.

              In a lot of ways she would’ve rather jumped out the window than deal with whatever secrets Ash might choose to overwhelm her with by revealing them.

              “You can’t hid in here forever,” he said, lowly in a whisper, respectful not to let anything he said be audible to the girls in his studio.

              “I’m not hiding. I’m smoking,” she said, but she managed to unlock the door and let him in.

              It was impossible to look him in the eye. Hunter kept her gaze down and only allowed herself to get a sense of his shape by glancing over at him every so often.

              “I know you better than you think,” he said.

              “You don’t know me at all,” she countered, nearly interrupting him. “And I don’t know you.”

              Ash lowered the toilet seat lid and sat on it, looking up at her, catching her eye. Hunter was noticeably shaken up. There was something about her demeanor, her expression, the way her shoulders slumped forward and her face hung long and white, that reminded Ash of a scared animal, the way dogs looked huddled and shivering in the corner as soon as their abusive owner returned home. He had seen that reaction more times than he would’ve liked to. It was the look of someone he knew he had to help. The posture of someone he knew he needed to kill for. He would do anything to reverse the damage.

              “So what,” he said, lightly. “How well should we know each other by now? How well do you usually know someone a day and a half after having met them?”

              Hunter didn’t have much to say to that at first, then finally, “Considering what we’ve gone through and what we’re up against I would think you’d come clean about everything. Why didn’t you tell me you knew all the girls out there? And Carolyn? I didn’t even know any of them were here in the city. But you all seemed to know that Dale and Travis had come down to do some kind of harm to me, or them, or all of us, and you said nothing.”

              She had his full attention. He held his gaze steadily on her and nodded at times, agreeing with her points. Hunter was met with zero resistance from him, and as she finished all that she had to say, she found that she felt slightly stupid. Had she overreacted? She hated this. She hated the way she would beat herself up for feeling her feelings. Didn’t she have a right to be mad? He seemed so unaffected. He wasn’t reacting at all. It seemed like he might not be taking her seriously.

              “I’m beginning to think I was better off on my own,” she said.

              The notion scared him. If she attempted to go off on her own, to leave him, Ash wasn’t sure what he would do. It would be heartbreaking. He had wanted nothing more than to spend the day in bed with her, to venture out only in efforts to protect her. Everything had gotten so fucked up, but no matter how messed up things were, he wasn’t about to let her walk out of his life.

              “That’s not an option,” he said.

              Hunter stared him down, searching his eyes for a reason, any indication of why he would want her to stay. She couldn’t tell what the draw was for him. That morning when they had begun touching, caressing each other, when he had pulled her on top of him, was something she couldn’t get out of her mind. It had meant the world to her. She had thought it was the beginning of something real. She had thought something was solidifying between them, but now she wasn’t sure. Was she some kind of trophy? Did he even really care about her? His expression looked flat, neutral, or was it downright cold? His blue eyes seemed dark, calloused perhaps.

              “Why would it matter if I left?” she asked.

              “It would compromise everything,” he said.

              “What does that mean?” she pressed.

              He fell silent.

              “You don’t actually care about me, do you?” asked Hunter.

              Maybe he was too closed off to make this work. Maybe they were too deep in the middle of a shit storm to hold onto any real feelings that may have developed between them. Maybe liking Hunter was a distraction he couldn’t afford, but Ash knew he didn’t just like her. He was falling in love. Why was it easier to kill for her than it was to tell her how he felt?

              He was at a loss for words, overwhelmed by how he would even begin to explain how he had really become involved in all this. His real connection to Hunter, Twitch, and the girls would seem confusing to her or maybe unbelievable. He didn’t know how to start. He didn’t want her to hate him.

              Hunter stepped quickly to the bathroom door, grasped the doorknob, and was about to leave when Ash dangled his key chain in front of her face. The rusted bullet hung before her eyes. It was like hers, like Twitch’s, like all the girls’ out there. But Ash hadn’t grown up with her. He wasn’t from the farmhouse.

              “Where did you get this?” she demanded.

              “Would you sit down?” he asked.

              Hunter looked him dead in the eye for a long moment, then sat on the edge of the tub, as Ash resumed his seat on the toilet.

              “The moment wasn’t right before,” he said. “Things were chaotic and I didn’t have a second to explain things to you.” Ash let that hang in the air between them as he tried to gauge whether or not Hunter was letting her guard down. Would she be able to really hear what he was about to say, or would she shut down and refuse to listen?

              “Just tell me everything,” she said. “Otherwise, seriously, I’m out of here.”

              “Okay,” he said quickly, sensing she might leave on the spot if he didn’t get to it right away. “I’m from New Hampshire, but not the same area where you grew up. When I told you that I started killing because of an incident with my family, that was true. I killed my way out of my childhood home. It was only me and my dad. My mother had left a long time ago when I was still a baby. He was a cruel man, and I have my reasons for ending him. I shot him, and he deserved it.”

              Hunter stared at Ash with wide eyes as she listened. He seemed so vulnerable, unlike anything she had observed in him prior. His gaze seemed to soften as he was remembering what his life had been like. She was eager to hear more. Whatever fear had gripped her in anticipation of learning who Ash truly was had left her. She only wanted to know the truth.

              “It was a small town,” he went on. “Even though I had been calculated and careful about killing him, which led the police to believe it was a suicide, the word got out. Maybe they were just rumors to begin with, I don’t know. But I got approached one night. I got propositioned to kill for money. I was only fifteen, and had squeaked by on some paperwork that helped me avoid going into foster care. I needed money. I needed to eat, so I took the job.”

              Ash hesitated to meet her gaze even though he wanted to. He wanted to check her expression to see if she thought he was a monster. He knew it was beyond comprehension that anyone could live with themselves having done what he had done in his life. Her mouth was pursed, her eyes round and wide. He hoped there was some sympathy mixed in with whatever she was thinking and feeling right now, but he couldn’t be certain.

              “Four months ago, I was contacted. I met with some men. They explained that a child murderer was out there. It was a woman who killed little girls.”

              Hunter’s heart nearly stopped. Did he believe that? Did Ash think that was what she really was? Hunter wanted to cry. She knew the girls out there thought so. Who would ever understand?

              “Hunter, I know you aren’t a murderer,” he said. “You probably have your reasons for having done whatever you did. I’m not going to judge that. If I saw an animal hurt in the woods, suffering, I would put it out of its misery.”

              “I don’t know that I was putting them out of their misery, Ash,” she said quietly as tears began to fall. “I was putting out my own misery. Looking back, I know how horrifying that must sound, but in the moment, it’s like I’d lost my mind. Living there was maddening. I should never have been there. I should never have been captive like that. None of us should have been there.”

              “It’s okay,” he said calmly as he waited for the tears to dry in her eyes. “They lied to me,” he went on. “I know that. It didn’t take me long to figure it out. But at the time, I decided to take the job anyway because they didn’t want you dead. The contract with the men wasn’t to kill you, Hunter. They wanted me to bring you back. It never sat right with me. If you really were a child murderer, why would they want to have you back? No one would want that. I was told you had fled south. I followed a thin trail here to New York. I searched the streets. I found so many girls from the farmhouse. For months it seemed like every other week I found a girl, but it was always the wrong one. When I talked to the girls, though, I learned about what was really happening at the farmhouse, in the barn. Somewhere along the line, I stopped looking for you with intentions to carry out my contract. I was looking for you to help. When you signed the lease on your apartment, I finally had the information I needed to find you. Hunter, when I first saw you, when I first started following you, I don’t know how to explain it, I fell in love.”