Read I Shouldn't Be Telling You This: Success Secrets Every Gutsy Girl Should Know Online
Authors: Kate White
That’s where it began for me. I told myself I needed to find a way to write mysteries (see “Terrific Time-Management Tricks” and “Make Your Back-Pocket Dream a Reality [While You’ve Still Got a Day Job]”). Two-and-a-half years later, my first mystery
If
Looks Could Kill
was published. And it still had the same first sentence.
But draining the swamp isn’t just about tapping into an old dream. It’s also a chance to think about how your life is running and what could be changed or reengineered to make you happier or more fulfilled on a personal level. Think about even the good stuff—such as how you spend your time in the evenings after work—and ask yourself if it could be even richer or more productive.
You may feel you do this anyway on a fairly regular basis, yet I think it’s best to block out the time. This may sound horribly corny, but it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself, “It’s 8
A
.
M
. Saturday. Do I know where my mug and notebook are?”
O
kay, you’ve got this wonderful career going and you’ve also happened to find a really good guy, someone to spend this chunk of your life—or maybe your whole life—with. Nice. But as blissful as it can be to have both a wonderful career and a wonderful guy, sometimes those two things don’t mesh perfectly. Your crazy schedule and his crazy schedule may mean you don’t spend as much time together as you’d like or that the time you
do
spend together feels fragmented. Or maybe you sense that he doesn’t recognize how demanding your job really is and isn’t the sympathetic ear you long for. Or maybe he doesn’t help out nearly as much as you need him to, particularly if there are kids in the mix.
I’m not a relationship expert (despite the fact that I’ve sometimes played one on TV!), but I’ve discovered a ton about men, love, relationships, and sex from working at
Cosmo.
I admit it: I’ve used a lot of what I learned in my own marriage, and I think my marriage is better for it. First and foremost, men are really different from us and they respond to the world differently. That’s the starting point of the wisdom I’ve gained.
Men really want to please us.
From the moment I arrived at
Cosmo
, I was struck by how many e-mails were sent by guys admitting that they read the magazine regularly. Sure, they were looking for ways to make women fall for them and get them into bed. But the most often cited reason a guy gave for why he read the magazine was that he wanted clues about how to please the woman in his life.
Though men may want to please us, they often don’t know how.
Guys, I’ve learned, find women incredibly baffling, far more than we realize. After I started the column “Sh*t My Guy Says,” one woman e-mailed us to say that one day when she was in her bathroom using a blow dryer with a diffuser, her boyfriend walked in and asked, “Is that a ray gun?” A
ray gun
? I love that story because it shows how alien we seem to men at times. Because they don’t always understand us, they can fail to see what matters to us or what’s going to tick us off. For instance, if your boyfriend or husband neglects your anniversary, it’s not because he doesn’t care about you; it’s because anniversaries don’t matter to many guys.
One of the most important ways to enable a guy to please you is to tell him how to do it. Don’t make the poor dude guess. If you love earrings but never wear necklaces, let him know so he doesn’t buy the wrong gifts (trust me, he probably hasn’t noticed that you never wear necklaces). If you need him to make the plane reservations because you’re in the middle of a huge work project, tell him.
Men sometimes can find their partner’s success hard to deal with.
The number of women outearning their husbands has been steadily rising, and that number will continue to grow. According to recent census statistics, in all but three of the biggest cities in the United States, young women aged thirty and above are making more than young men in the same age group. And in many instances, those numbers reflect the fact that women are experiencing more career success than men.
Now, some guys will not only not mind your success and the fact that you bring home a bigger paycheck, they’ll be delighted. Others, however, will feel awkward about it, particularly if their career is in a slump or not on the same trajectory as yours.
So what should you do if this is you? Alon Gratch, a New York–based psychologist, the author of
If Men Could Talk: Translating the Secret Language of Men
, and one of the best experts on marriage I know, offers this advice: “Don’t neglect your relationship in pursuit of your career. Work very hard to relate to your spouse in the same way you always did, even as your relationships with others around you change, as you become more assertive, successful, powerful, or visible.”
If the disparity becomes a nagging issue, you will need to get it out into the open, and you may even want to seek couples counseling to help you address the situation.
Men can seem like terrible listeners, but it’s sometimes because of the way we talk.
Is there a woman alive who hasn’t sat across a table talking to the guy in her life and realized that he was starting to fidget like crazy or glance down at his smartphone? It’s monumentally frustrating, especially because we pride ourselves on being good listeners.
Michael Gurian, a social philosopher and therapist and the author of
What Could He Be Thinking?
, told me that one of the reasons men don’t listen well is that women can overwhelm them with more words than they can handle. Guys don’t communicate the same way we do, and sometimes the trick for getting a better response is to edit yourself more. “Men are good listeners when people cut to the chase,” he says. “They are bad listeners when people are very tangential and link gobs of sensory and emotional details together.” Think about what you’re going to say before you say it, and focus on only the most important stuff. Save rambling conversations for girlfriends.
In a conversation, men need to know what we want from them, especially when we’re talking about work matters.
This is especially important because men tend to quickly offer solutions, even when we aren’t looking for any. Gurian points out that a guy will do better listening to you when you’re clear about not only what the topic is but also how you would like him to respond. Let’s say you just found out that twenty people are being laid off in your department, and though your job seems safe for the time being, you’re concerned about the future. You don’t want his advice right now—you’re too worked up at the moment—you just want to convey the info. Tell him, “I want to share some news from work. Maybe later we can brainstorm about how I should handle it, but right now I just want to fill you in.”
When you want a man to help at home, you need to be very clear.
If you are going to be able to savor your life as a successful working woman who has a husband or live-in partner (and possibly kids), you need that guy to play at least a fifty-fifty role in the household. The way you ask can make a big difference. Men are not going to volunteer to do stuff, and it’s not necessarily because they’re lazy. They often don’t know what’s a priority in your mind, and they don’t respond well to general comments. You have to make very specific requests. Don’t say, “I need you to help more” or “Why can’t you give me a hand in the mornings?” Say, “It would really help me if you were in charge of making breakfast for everyone in the morning.”
Men don’t like to open up, but it’s possible to get them to.
If you’re trying to manage both a relationship and a career, you’re going to need your guy to tell you what’s on his mind. Is work okay for him? Is he anxious about a certain matter? Does he need something from you that you’re not providing at the moment?
One of the best things I learned about relationships came from Dr. Gratch. He says that men can feel vulnerable when they open up, so they often resist doing it. To encourage your guy to be more forthcoming, you need to be both casual and concrete.
Casual:
Meaning, don’t pounce or make a big issue of it. If you sense there’s a work issue for him, don’t ask, “What’s
wrong
?” Wait for a casual moment and say, “Work must be crazy right now, huh?”
Concrete:
Meaning, don’t be vague. And leave the emo at the door. Instead of “Are you really worried about your big presentation tomorrow?” ask, “What are the key points you hope people take away from your presentation?”
The best time to talk to a guy is often when you’re side by side.
Studies have shown that guys engage better when they’re not experiencing sensory overload. So a good opportunity for a conversation isn’t necessarily when you’re face-to-face but rather when you’re driving in the car or cooking dinner together.
Men need to be babied sometimes.
Please
, you may be thinking, we all want and need to be babied. Women, though, tend to be better than men at babying themselves—we indulge in, for example, massages and manicures. Guys don’t do that as much. And besides, your guy really wants to be babied by
you.
You don’t have to go to any elaborate efforts to baby him. But if you’re watching TV with him, give him a ten-minute foot rub. When you’re shopping for groceries, pick up the kind of cookies you know he loves. When you’re ordering something online, add a little item that will be a surprise for him. Such gestures can fall by the wayside when we’re in overdrive at work, but they don’t take much time—and they inspire devotion and reciprocity.
Men are rarely going to be the ones who make sure there’s a lot of good stuff planned in your life together.
When you’re both busy in your careers, the fun, romantic stuff you did during courtship may become lost in the shuffle. Unfortunately, if you want those times back—and I’m sure you do—you’re probably going to have to be the one to make sure they happen. Don’t take it personally. Most guys just don’t seem hardwired to be this type of organizer.
By the way, there’s nothing wrong with
scheduling
fun, romantic activities weeks in advance rather than simply hoping things happen spontaneously. And there’s nothing wrong with scheduling sex either.
Men hate nightgowns.
In a poll we did once at
Cosmo
, men said that the most lust-busting outfit a woman can wear to bed is one of those T-shirt-style nightgowns. A guy generally won’t come right out and admit it to you, but he doesn’t like it when you fall into too much of a comfort zone with your appearance. He wants to see you wear something sexy to bed, not that T-shirt nightgown. He also doesn’t like granny panties and mom jeans. Men, after all, are visual creatures. And as the psychologist Stan Katz says, “The way you look and dress will always be a driving force in a man’s attraction to you.”
Your guy wants you to look, dress, smell, and feel nice. Those things fuel his arousal. I know, you have only so many damn hours in your day. But know that if you want him to be entranced with you, you need to make your appearance at home as big a priority as your appearance at work.
Men love sex.
You know that, of course. But many women aren’t aware of how
much
sex guys want or how much they mind when the frequency declines. If you keep turning him down because you’re busy or tired, it’s not okay with him even if he doesn’t say as much.
Men love novelty.
And so do women. The anthropologist Helen Fisher has found that having novel experiences releases dopamine in the brain, the same chemical that floods it when you’re in the throes of infatuation. So do things as a couple that you’ve never done before.
Men love mystery.
And so do women. That’s something else Dr. Fisher has spoken a lot about—that being slightly unknown to our partner fuels his desire. A new study also shows that telling a man less makes him curious. Yes, it’s great to keep him abreast of what’s happening in your work world, but don’t tell him everything. Intrigue him.
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How to Be Smart About Maternity Leave
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M
aternity leave can be a tricky business. You are over the moon with joy, and you want the time with your newborn to be as glorious—and as unintruded upon—as possible. But you also don’t want your absence to have a negative impact on your job and your career. You can’t afford to fall behind, for instance, or lose clout or create too many problems for the people picking up the slack while you’re gone. In many instances, a company must hold your job for you until you return, but still, some women have come back from a maternity leave to find that the ground has shifted in subtle ways, that their standing isn’t what it was before. That means you have to play things wisely.
How you should handle your leave depends a whole lot on your position and your work environment. How much can be delegated in your absence? How much do you still need to be in the mix? Is your team supportive? Are there any jackals in the midst who might start circling the minute you’re gone?
Your strategy will also need to factor in the type of boss you have. It’s important to realize that your pregnancy will most likely be viewed by your boss—despite the smile plastered on her face—as a pain in the ass. She is going to worry about how much your department or area will suffer during your departure, how much extra work it means for her personally, and whether you’ll even come back after your maternity leave. Bosses can get weird about the whole thing. Some get weirder than others.
My two maternity leaves—and how I handled them—couldn’t have been more different. When I had my first child, I was the number two at a magazine, not running the show; the number two in my own department filled in for me. She was extremely competent and totally up to the task, and I ended up having practically no contact with the office during that three-month period. When I had my second child, I was running
Working Woman
and barely had a leave. I worked from home for six weeks, spending plenty of time on the phone every day and having packages of articles and layouts messengered to my apartment, sometimes more than one delivery a day. I spent the next six weeks working half days at the office. I didn’t love it, but I felt I had no choice.