There would be no going back and no denying his love for the one woman who had always been right in front of him, who he could never have. Not even now.
“Beautiful, Ryan,” he whispered, feeling her release clutch at him as she moaned his name softly. “My beautiful Ryan.” He let his own climax spill out. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, not allowing himself to feel anything but the numbness he’d need to get over her.
His job would demand it.
His heart would require it.
* * * *
The following morning, Ryan forced her body to relax while the green mask on her face tightened, and the cool compress on her eyes hopefully reduced the puffiness caused by a good cry. The moment Jared had closed the hotel door, she hadn’t been able to hold the tears at bay any longer.
Normally she prided herself on making good decisions, considering all the obstacles that had been put in her path, but she’d really screwed up this time.
“Relax, honey,” the beautician said. “Your hands are so tense.” She rubbed the top of Ryan’s hands with gentle circular strokes.
“I’m trying.” Ryan took in a deep cleansing breath. “And I’m really enjoying this.”
The beautician gently shook Ryan’s hands. “I’m going to wrap your hands in a warm mud pack for a few minutes, while we remove the face mask.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” Ryan moaned while her hands and wrists were dipped in thick, hot liquid. “I could get used to this.”
“You’ve never done this before, have you?”
Once the compress had been removed, Ryan blinked her eyes, adjusting to the dim lights. “I treat myself to manicures and pedicures every so often, but that’s it.”
“That’s a start.”
“What’s your name?” Ryan asked, realizing how much she missed Penny.
“Cindy. Mind if I ask you a question?” Cindy continued to remove the mask with a warm washcloth.
“Ask away.”
“My son’s name is Ryan. How’d a beautiful young woman like yourself end up with that name?” Cindy gave Ryan’s face one more washing. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the name.”
“But it’s very much a man’s name.” Ryan adjusted herself in the bedlike chair so she could see Cindy better. “It’s my mother’s maiden name. She’d been so sure that I was going to be a boy. After a very long labor, she had to have an emergency C-section. When she came to, she filled out all the paperwork for the birth certificate before anyone could inform her she’d had a girl. She just never changed it.”
Cindy sat across from her with a genuine smile. “That’s a great story. What’s your middle name if you don’t mind me asking?”
Ryan laughed out loud. “Shamus.”
“Oh, my.” Cindy’s large brown eyes widened.
“It’s not so bad. Most people don’t know my middle name, and I usually lie and tell them its Suzanne or something.”
“It’s a beautiful Irish name.”
“Yeah, for a boy.”
Cindy’s smile faded as she studied Ryan. “Why are you so sad? A sexy, young woman such as yourself should have the world in her hands, not the weight of it in her eyes.”
“It’s not that I’m sad so much, but my life is changing,” Ryan admitted, then let herself get a good whiff of the aromatherapy candles. She couldn’t place the scents, but they were soothing. She could feel the swelling around her eyes reducing already. “My best friend is moving away.”
“Does that friend happen to be the man in your life?” Cindy removed the wrapping from one of Ryan’s hands, cleaned it off, then slathered it with cool vanilla lotion.
“I wouldn’t call him the man in my life, but someone who’s helped me a lot. Sometimes I think I owe him my life.” She blinked, realizing her biggest mistake. Jared didn’t see her as anything other than the one who survived. His lovemaking was out of a strange sense of duty. Jared always gave Ryan what he thought she wanted.
She’d made it clear she wanted him. Even if for only one or two nights.
“Then it’s best you let him go. Owing someone doesn’t make for a good relationship.”
“He’s not mine to let go,” Ryan said softly.
“You seem like an intelligent woman, and you’re drop-dead gorgeous. You’ll find the right man.” Cindy wiggled Ryan’s hand and ran her index finger up her palm. “See this line? It’s your love line.”
“You read palms?”
“I read a book on it once. I really don’t know too much.”
“Well, tell me what you do know.” Ryan shifted in her chair. She didn’t believe in stuff like this, but at the moment, she didn’t care. “What does it mean?”
“You have a strong heart. And the man who loves you will need an equally strong heart.”
Ryan tried not to frown. She didn’t think Jared’s heart could be fixed.
“This man is not who you’d expect. You’ve avoided his type and only recently opened your heart to him.” Cindy glanced up. “But you have to let him find his own way.”
Feeling a little taken in, since Ryan had basically given Cindy enough information to form this kind of opinion, she tried to pull her hand away.
“Love is a funny thing. Even when it’s meant to be, it doesn’t always work that way.”
“What does that mean?” Ryan asked, not hiding her annoyance.
“This line shows that you have a lot of love in your heart and it’s destined to find love in return. It’s not just about your soul mate, but friendships too. See all the branches? Lots of love. And it’s longer than most because I suspect that you’ve already endured a great deal in your life.” Cindy rinsed off Ryan’s other hand, then quickly rubbed some lotion on it before studying the lines.
“You love because you don’t know any other way. Whether or not this man can hold on will be up to him, but you won’t go without. Love is something you need to share. It’s a part of who you are.”
“Are you trying to tell me that no matter what, I’ll fall in love, get married, and have kids?”
“No.” Cindy wrapped Ryan’s hands in a warm cloth again. “What I’m trying to tell you is regardless of what happens, your heart will mend and find love again. It’s in your nature.”
“I’m a sap,” Ryan muttered.
“Join the club.” Cindy lifted Ryan’s foot and slipped it into a tub of warm water. “My heart has been stomped on more times than I care to admit.” She held up her palm, showing the same long line. “I’ve been in love so many times, it hurts.”
“Always the wrong guy?”
Cindy shook her head. “My first husband was killed in a car crash two weeks after we married. He never even knew I was pregnant.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not. I mean I’m sorry he died, but I have a beautiful son. I named him after his father.” Cindy smiled; her eyes glistened with joy.
“Ryan?”
Cindy chuckled. “My second husband was killed by friendly fire in Iraq. We had two kids together. Lenny and Robby.”
“Is there a man in your life now?” Ryan wanted to kick herself for asking.
“There is.” Cindy lifted Ryan’s foot and wrapped it in a hot wax coating, then shifted the tub. “Other foot.”
Ryan did as requested and waited patiently. She wouldn’t pry, not now.
After Cindy had both of Ryan’s feet wrapped, she slid the cloth off Ryan’s hand and began to buff her nails. “This one’s a fireman. I think I like the strong silent type who barks a lot.”
Ryan tried not to laugh, but she understood Cindy better than she wanted to. “Does he think family life and a fireman’s life can’t mix?”
Cindy stopped buffing and lifted her gaze. “I know he loves me, and I’m not asking him to give up his career. But he thinks he’d have to.”
“I bet he says stuff like his job demands more of him. He can’t worry about his job and you at the same time.”
“Sounds like you’ve been where I am.” Cindy moved to the other hand. “You’ve got great nails.”
“Thanks.” Ryan wiggled her toes, enjoying the wild warm sensation created by whatever Cindy had put on them. “So why stay with him?”
“I’ve dumped him more times than I can count, but he keeps coming back.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Ryan asked.
“I want to get married, he doesn’t. Last time I brought it up, he mumbled something about what his dying would do to my kids if we were married. And he thinks my kids have been through enough as it is.”
“Is he involved with your kids now?”
“He helps coach Robby’s basketball team.”
“So what’s the diff?” Ryan checked out the polishes that Cindy brought over. “The pinkish one, please.”
“Perfect choice.” Cindy removed the wrap from Ryan’s feet, then glopped a minty gel on them.
Ryan didn’t have a clue what this woman was doing and didn’t care. She loved it and loved the company.
“I keep telling him my kids are already attached to him, but he doesn’t think it’s the same.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, how long have you been seeing each other?”
“Two years. On and off.”
“Hey, Cindy,” someone called from behind the closed door. “Got a delivery here for you.”
“Excuse me.” Cindy gave Ryan an apologetic glance, then went to the door. “What is it?”
“Flowers,” the same voice replied.
Ryan shifted, glancing over her shoulder. “Those aren’t just flowers.” Ryan smiled looking at the huge assortment of different colored roses. “That’s at least five dozen.”
“This man is going to be the death of me.” Cindy sighed, pulling out the card. “Read this, I just can’t.”
Ryan took the card out of the envelope and glanced over the words. “Cindy?”
“Is it bad?” Cindy placed the large arrangement by the desk at the door. “We had an awful fight. Last night I told him to jump off a bridge and never come back.”
Ryan continued to stare at the words “I’m sorry. I love you and I’d like to talk about forever. I’ll pick you up after work,” and wasn’t quite sure what to say.
“Oh, God. I knew it. Only he would send roses as a kiss-off.”
Ryan shoved the card at Cindy. “I think you need to read this.”
Cindy plopped down in her chair across from Ryan and took the card in her trembling hands. “Love hurts.”
“Sometimes.” Ryan smiled. “And sometimes it just plain surprises you.”
“Oh, my God. Like I said, the death of me.” She mopped the tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Just because he sends flowers, I’m supposed to drop what I’m doing and be there for him. Heck, he didn’t even ask.”
“I think it’s sweet.”
“Yeah, sweet when my guy does it, but how about when your man does stuff like that? Not so sweet, huh?”
Ryan reached for her green tea and took a sip. “I can’t believe I thought that was sweet.” But, she did. Still did, and what did that say about her?
“What am I going to do?” Cindy glanced at her watch. “He’ll be here in two hours. Do I give in and give it another try? Or do I call it quits?” Cindy lifted Ryan’s feet, cleaned them off, and then started buffing. “Same color on the toes?”
“Go for it.”
“The color?”
“Yeah, sure. But if he’s willing to give it a try, so should you. I mean, if he’s willing to give the marriage part a go.”
Cindy shook her head. “I shouldn’t let him do this to me. And if he even suggests he’ll quit his job, I’ll nail him right where it counts. He’d hate doing something else.”
“Sounds like you know him well.” Ryan leaned back. She knew Jared. Not only would he hate being anything other than a cop, he’d hate having to answer to someone. She couldn’t help remembering the early stages of his and Lisa’s relationship. All the demands Lisa had made on him, and how hard he’d tried not to be miserable. For the baby’s sake.
Even though Ryan suspected his feelings for her went deeper than he could admit, it didn’t matter. No matter how much you loved someone, if you couldn’t be true to yourself, you’d be miserable. And if you’re miserable, that’s the end of a solid relationship.
“So, if I’m going for it, why don’t you?”
“Because I refuse to move.” She blinked, wondering where the hell that comment came from. It wasn’t like he’d even asked or offered. He’d probably run like hell if she even suggested she’d move. “I love living near my brother. He and his wife just had a baby. His name is Nolan, and he’s the most adorable little creature. Not to mention my job at the Lake Side Hotel.”
“You work there?” Cindy’s eyes went wide with excitement. “If I do get married, my honeymoon will be at that hotel. When I was a kid, we vacationed in the islands and always drove by the big white mansion. I hear it’s magnificent.”
“It’s pretty spectacular, but not as nice as this place,” Ryan agreed, and eased back into her chair.
“I seriously doubt that.”
Ryan focused on her own goals in hopes of easing her breaking heart. There were so many things she wanted to do in life. Being with Jared had been one of them. But it was time to move on.
Time to move past yesterday and on with tomorrow.
Chapter Fifteen