Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 07 (14 page)

We are at the big fight scene when Great Birnam Wood comes to High Dunsinane. Everyone is dressed up as trees, etc., and as I said to Rosie, “Oh it's a triumph, darling, a triumph, lovie.”

And it was, until Dave the Laugh, master technician and fool, struck.

I really thought Miss Wilson had lost her grip and would have to be airlifted to a secure unit. She had a complete and utter nervy tiz when Dave (on lights) plunged everything, not only the stage, but backstage, frontstage, sidestage, into complete darkness. Most of the forest fell off the stage. I was at the side of the stage when he did it and in the pitch black I felt a hand pinch my bum. OY!!!

I am convinced it was Dave, but when the lights went on again he was just looking really surprised and was going “What? What?” to everyone. He said that he had “fallen” against the light switch accidentally.

The audience applauded the Forest folk plunging into the audience! They thought it was part of the modern interpretation, which just goes to show what fools parents are on the whole.

9:45 p.m.

Even if I say it myself, I was magnifico as Macduff. I actually blubbed real tears, and that wasn't very hard given my life. As I came off the stage I sneaked a look at the audience and even Hawkeye looked a bit wet round the eyes. Dave the Laugh gave me a hug as I went by, and said, “Well done,
kittykat. You are a thespian of the first water and also your nungas look particularly perky in that tunic.”

Oooh he is soooooo aggravating.

9:55 p.m.

We got a standing ovation. Well, from those of the audience who could stand. I noticed Grandvati only managed to get to his feet at the same time as everyone else was sitting back down.

10:20 p.m.

Hoooray!!! Slim declared an armistice because of our vair vair marvy performance. She gave me and the ace gang our horns back!!!

We did a little celebration Viking inferno dance, but I don't think she got it. She just jelloided off to chat to the elderly insane. Mr. Attwood looked like he thought he was going to get a medal for his firefighting skills. He was going on and on to anyone who would listen, “Yes, luckily I have been practicing for just such an emergency as this. I have made a stuffed figure in my allotment and I set fire to it and had got my extinguishing time down to ten seconds.”

Good grief, what a fabulous life he leads.

I say we all did a little Viking inferno dance, but Jas didn't. She is still sulking. I heard her say to Jools that she was exhausted from all of the emotion she had put into her part. I don't see why, she only stabbed someone and then went on about a spot. Anyway, she left before us, snuggled up to her boyfriend. She was leaning against him as if she were a paralyzed elf. It's pathetic. She said good-bye to everyone except me.

She won't be able to ignore me forever.

walking home with the rest of the gang
10:45 p.m.

I refused to get in the Batmobile with my parents. Vati said, “Don't you want to accelerate through the night in my Lovemobile?”

Urgh good Lord. And he said it in front of everyone. And he is wearing a T-shirt and tight jeans. Is there a book called,
How to Be Really Crap
? Because if there is, he has got it.

Grandvati insisted on showing the gang his false teeth before we could bundle him onto the bus with his almost completely knitted girlfriend. Even her handbag was knitted.

midnight

When I got in, Mutti had made me a special supper and Libby had decorated my bed. Well, what I mean is, she had on her dressing up fairy clothes and had put tinsel on all her “fwends,” and I do mean all her fwends. Scuba Diving Barbie, Charlie Horse, Pantalitzer's doll head (which is all there is left of her since Gordy had a spaz attack and ripped her arms off), plus various bits of vegetables. They were all crowded in my bed, waiting for me in a really scary way. Especially as the light was off and when I turned it on, there they all were in the bed. Libby shouted, “Heggo Gingey, SURPRISE!!!”

You're not kidding. Even Gordy and Angus and Naomi were in there, tied in a shopping bag so that they couldn't escape.

You try getting your jimjams on with a toddler in wings clinging to your leg.

It's not easy.

But what is?

sunday july 10th
1:30 p.m.

Let me just say this, never go to the park with a toddler round your waist.

Libby will not leave me alone.

2:00 p.m.

In the end I got up my private tree again just to escape from her. I have got post-performance exhaustosity. If I can just wedge my bum into the bit between two branches I could have a little zizz. Then I heard a scooter engine in the distance getting nearer and nearer. And then I saw it was him, Masimo on his scooter! On the bottom road coming toward my street. Wow. I wonder if he had heard about my outstanding Macduff performance? Shutup shutup.

Oh God, how was I going to get out of the tree without him seeing me? Actually I think my bum was stuck. Oh brilliant. And I didn't have my lippy on. Oh
merde merde merde merde
, what should I do? Or maybe it was just a mate's visit???

At which point Masimo rode right by the bottom of my street without stopping.

Of course he did.

That was my life.

5:00 p.m.

Oh excellent day. Really really excellent in every
way. First of all, I am on the rack of love again, eating aggy cakes, with my bum wedged into a tree.

4 mins later

I've unwedged myself but I think I have bruised my bum-oley. Then for the
pièce de résistance
the kittykats really are stuck up the pine tree next door. At the top of it. I saw them messing about on it, doing that all legs at the same time climbing up the trunk. I shouted to them, “Oy you two, get down. Don't you dare go up that tree.”

And I threw stuff at them. It worked, actually. They both stopped and lay on a branch and looked down at me. Then they did a bit of light bum-oley grooming, and then went back to the all legs at the same time climbing.

Now they were on the top branches swaying about dangerously.

I begged my vati to do something, I said, “They might fall off and die.”

And he said, “Good.”

6:00 p.m.

Eventually the fire brigade were called. You have never seen anything as embarrassing as my mother.

She was practically dribbling as the “boys,” as she called the firemen, got their ladders out. Giggling and saying really stupid things like, “Oh you must have quite strong arms to hold those big hoses.”

I was looking at her, but she ignored me.

In the end she accidentally phoned up her aerobics mates and they all came round to watch the “boys” as well as giggling like a bunch of giggling Gerties. It is soooo shaming.

6:25 p.m.

“Ben,” Mum's new fireman friend, got to the top of the ladder to try to grab the kittykats to safety. He was reaching out from his big ladder with a net thing, and as he reached out to them, Angus and Gordy stopped shivering and yowling and just scampered merrily down the tree and off into the undergrowth.

Unbelievable.

They are the Devil incarnate in furry trousers.

They had been toying with the firemen.

monday july 11th

Jas had already gone to Stalag 14 when I arrived at her gate.

assembly

And she stood at the other end of the ace gang, not in her usual place next to me.

How long can she keep this up?

This is marathon
ignorez vous
ing.

french

I snuggled up really close to her, but she shifted her chair more and more away from me until she was practically sitting on Ellen's knee.

p.e.

I said to her, “I like your pants today, Jas.”

She still had her huffy pants on, though.

ace gang headquarters

The ace gang have been on me all day to sing and the world sings with you.

They all want to go to the Stiff Dylans gig on Saturday and they say they can't go unless I go because it will not be one for all and all for one. Also Rosie is having the practice wedding of her Viking wedding at the gig. She wants to dress up and try out the Viking bison dance. She has got the confetti but fortunately not the vats.

They tried to bribe me with cheesy snacks, which is pathetic.

When I say “they,” I don't mean Jas, who is still giving me the cold shoulder. This is a world record for her. Four days. I said to her, “Jas, are you going to eschew me with a firm hand forever?”

She didn't say anything.

Rosie was going, “Come on, Gee, please come to the gig, pleasey please and double please with knobs. Please don't spoil my big day. You only get married to a Viking and madman once in your life. And, anyway, what else will you be doing? Crying, that is what.”

Jools said, “There might be some really cool boys there.”

I said, “Look, Masimo will be there wanting to be my ‘mate' and Dave the Laugh will be with stupid old Emma thingy and…”

Uh-oh. Ellen started: “What do you mean, Dave the Laugh will be with Emma—why are you, like, er, bothered by that, I mean, has, er…”

Jas said, “Yeah, what do you mean about Dave the Laugh?”

I fell to my knees. “She speaks, it's a miracle, she can speak!!! The Good Lord has given her back
the power of speech.”

Hahahahah. She couldn't go back on it, she had asked me a question. She had broken her vow of cold shoulderosity. I won I won!!! (And distracted Ellen from the Dave the Laugh fandango.)

But I was magnaniwhatsit in victory. “I love you, Jazzy, and I am sorry about the ditch incident. But you were being vair vair annoying, my little pally.”

She humped around, but she was sick of not talking to me.

1:30 p.m.

I have agreed to go to the Stiff Dylans gig. BUT the ace gang has got to look after me like little guardey dogs. I said, “If you leave me on my own whilst you all go off snogging, I will resign from the ace gang.”

Rosie said, “This will be a magnificent evening, we will wear our newly liberated horns and show the world that romance lives.”

I said, “Er, I don't think we need to bother with the horns, I mean why don't we just keep them for the private moments that—”

Rosie said, “Aren't you proud to wear your horns?”

“Yes, of course, but—”

Rosie put her face very close to mine, “HOOOORRRRNNN!!”

Oh dear God.

We made a solemn ace gang vow. And did a quick rendition of the Viking disco inferno dance. With horns. We have also officially added Jas's sniffing bit into the disco inferno. Jas looked all thrilled. As we huddly duddlyed down to the floor for the final cry of “Hooorrrrn!!!” Wet Lindsay came by on rounding-up duty.

Her extensions are growing out. Hmm, that's attractive. Not. She looked at us, we looked up. Her legs are getting thinner, I swear. Perhaps she is on a leg-thinning diet.

She said, “Get up, you idiots. You're a bloody disgrace, the whole lot of you.”

That's charming language, isn't it?

She watched us as we went past her. I was last and she said to me quite quietly, “Don't think I don't know all about you. You're a pathetic, sniveling idiot.”

Oh Blimey O'Reilly's trousers, she does mean me!!!

german

Wrote a note to Ro Ro:

Ro Ro wrote back:

What is she talking about?

Should I go or not?

on the way home

Jas and me are besties again. Jas was still rambling on about the hidden depths she had found out about herself as Lady MacUseless and Rosie was practicing burping, when we saw the titchey
first formers hopping along in front of us.

When we caught up with them, I said to one of the titches, “What are you doing?”

She was wheezing and red but managed to say, “Er, we're hopping, miss.”

Miss?

I said, “I can see that, but why?”

And she said, “I don't know.”

How mad is that?

Rosie was looking at them. “I wonder if they are related to Sven?”

wednesday july 13th

Still can't decide whether to go or not.

I'm glad that Jas and I are pals again. She gave me two midget gems and a Jammy Dodger, which I have to say is nice. Even though she is vair vair annoying, I love her really, but not, you know, in a lezzie way.

4:10 p.m.

Walking home on my own. Which is unusual. Jas has gone off with Tom on a foraging expedition and the rest have gone into town on a makeup shopping spree. I wasn't in the mood somehow.
No sign of Dave and his mates, either.

I am indeed Georgia Nomates.

Ah well, that is the harsh truth of life on this bed of…is that the littlies hopping again? Surely not?

one minute later

It is, though.

They are hopping like loons into the park.

one minute later

And there is Mark Big Gob and The Blunderboys. What are the hoppers doing hanging around them? I sincerely hope they are not going for snogging lessons. Erlack a pongoes. If Mark Big Gob kisses one of them, they will be eaten alive. I know he likes teeny tiny girls, but this is ridiculous.

What is going on?

The girls are handing something over to Mark, still hopping.

one minute later

The Blunderboys are all laughing and smoking as the titches hop off.