As Brian
wrote in a frenzied state, the sound of distant trains, and the
faint traffic from the
L’Autoroute Métropolitaine
dissipated until he heard nothing but his own
thoughts.
“Hello?” A woman’s soft
voice jarred Brian, instantly irritating him. He recognized the
lilt of Deirdra’s voice. He had already been visited by his pesky
hallucinations that night and wished for it to go away and chose
not to address it.
Silence.
A gentle knock sounded at
his door.
“Hello? I come only looking
for a phone,” the voice began. “I saw the cab outside and the
footprints leading in…” she paused. “I heard a noise and I had to
come and see. I’m sorry for intruding…” The voice trailed
off.
Brian looked up and stared
at the wall in front of him. He didn’t make the connection at
first. It wasn’t until the fact that the voice sounded fearful that
he figured it wasn’t a hallucination. His hallucinations never
sounded fearful. Turning in the chair, a high pitched creak filled
the room. Now staring at the door, he silently gave what he hoped
was only his hallucination, a suggestion.
“Open
the door
.”
Silence.
Not even a full moment
later, the doorknob began to turn and with a squeak it opened.
Instantly Deirdra’s scent cascaded into the room and he finally
registered the beat of her heart. He couldn’t believe his dumb
luck. All he could think was, how had she arrived there?
Deirdra squinted as she
tried to see who sat at the desk. Brian watched her as she stood
fidgeting in the doorway. He couldn’t help but think the expression
of shock and horror on her face mirrored his own features. Right
away her fear and confusion swarmed in his brain. Her silent
questioning and fears soon enough drowned out his thoughts. Shaking
his head to rid himself of her, he then rose to his
feet.
“Deirdra?” His mind raced.
Brian’s thoughts ran from the pleasure of being alone with her, to
hoping that Stone hadn’t realized that she was here with
them.
“Why are you here? No one
knows that this is where I have made my home. How–” He stopped
talking. He knew if he didn’t, he would just continue rambling out
of nervousness. He wanted to hear what she had to say.
She stood there, silent,
for what seemed forever. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and
he could see her shiver periodically. She looked absolutely
breathtaking to him.
Finally she walked into the
room, but kept her distance.
“I remember, I remember it
all–you and I. I remember the human I was from over two hundred
years ago and the vampire I was.” Her eyes scanned the room. He
could tell that she disliked the lack of lighting. “I’ve made peace
with my past and I figure this is my second chance. But so many
things are forcing me to be realistic.” Brian knew that what she
meant was that of her recent mortality.
“I have been human for how
long? Maybe just over forty-eight hours and I have already stolen
food. I have no way to survive. I have no home; I cannot go back to
Chantonnay. There is no way.” Deirdra paused for a moment, choking
back the sobs that threatened to consume her. “I was fine until the
sun set. I am absolutely terrified to be out after sunset. I was
fine until I realized that vampires exist. I know what drives
them–I know too much.”
“But…” Brian
said.
“No, you don’t understand…
Here I am, trying to run away from them, from you, and I end up
running out of gasoline because I have no money. And in the middle
of nowhere I end up finding you! My God, what are the fates telling
me?” She was no longer able to hold back and her tears fell freely.
She lowered her head ashamed. He could sense her lack of mental and
physical strength, and how she hated that weakness. Brian couldn’t
fathom what it was like for her, and it broke his heart to see her
under this strain.
Rising from the chair,
Deirdra jumped as it squeaked and her gaze met his. With caution he
began to walk over to her. However, he was only able to make a few
steps before Deirdra took a couple steps back.
“It’s alright, I won’t hurt
you.” He immediately stopped in mid pace his voice soft and
soothing. Brian could tell she knew he meant her no harm, but
understood how she could not help but be leery of him.
“I’m tired, Brian. I am so
tired.” Deirdra wiped the streaming tears from her
cheeks.
Standing before her he took
in a deep breath and smelled the scent of her blood and her floral
shampoo. It was then that his hunger made itself known to
him.
“No, not now!” He muttered
to himself under his breath, his words inaudible to
Deirdra.
Subconsciously his right
hand reached out and he let his cold palm cup her tiny face. The
frigid temperature of his touch shocked her.
“I have dreamt of this
moment, of being this close to you for so long. It doesn’t seem
real.” Brian was unable to hide his emotion and red-stained tears
streamed down his white face.
A weak smile of recognition
crossed Deirdra’s face.
“I had thought you to be
dead and gone for so long. I never thought I would be talking to
you now. I have held onto the guilt of what I did to you for so
many years. But now that I am mortal, those strong painful emotions
of guilt for you have diminished. And now a different sort of guilt
plagues me: guilt that I no longer remember it like a living memory
as before. I guess the martyr in me now makes me feel guilt for not
feeling it as had before.”
Raising her left hand, she
let it cover his. The warmth from her flesh sent a zinging
sensation of delight through him and without thought he leaned in
and pressed his lips against hers, loving the taste of
her.
Deirdra pulled away and
took a step back.
“No,” she
said. Her fear saddened him. He could not help but think that there
was no way they could be together, just like she could not be with
her family. It was at this time that her thoughts suddenly rang
clearly in his head, “
I am alone, truly
alone
.”
Chapter 25
(Deirdra – December 25,
1999)
The look of pure love and
wild devotion frightened me, but also made me remember the passion
we once had. Seeing the sorrow in his eyes, the apologetic look he
gave for kissing me was almost too much to bear.
“It’s
just too soon. I can’t do this with you now. This is too painful,”
I said. I could see the Brian from my youth in him. From behind
this older man’s face who masked him with a ghostly white face and
crow’s feet, I saw
my
Brian. He had changed physically in many different ways, from
his mortal aging to his vampiric transformation. Even though he had
aged considerably before his embrace, he was still very handsome.
The white hair at his temples sparkled against the rest of his dark
brown shaggy mop of hair and his blue eyes appeared like they had a
light source of their own. They expressed his emotions easily. He
was still attractive to me, despite the most disturbing change
noticeable in his eyes. Although they could convey love, they also
revealed the hunger that drove him–had, at one time, driven me.
Again, I thought to myself, I knew too much.
I couldn’t help but feel
uncomfortable and awkward with the silence as the time seemed to
pass at a snail’s pace. I began to fidget with my hands. I realized
that being so close was probably torture for him. There was nothing
I could do to block the scent I exuded or the beat of my heart. I
remembered how hard I had fought not to give into my desire for him
back then, but I was weak. I had given in to my hunger for Brian
when he was mortal and now I feared he would be as weak as I had
been.
“I… I have to go,” I
managed to say, stumbling on my words. As I turned, I felt Brian’s
hand reach out and grab firmly onto my shoulder.
“Please, stay.” His voice
was sympathetic.
“I can’t.”
“Please. At least until you
have rested. You cannot keep this up or you will become ill.” He
released his grip on me and his arm swung to his side. “Please…
sit,” he said, pointing to the single-sized hospital
bed.
I was tired, so very tired.
My back and feet ached, and my head was pounding. I remembered how
great I felt back at the restaurant with my stomach full and
feeling satisfied. But now after walking for hours in the dark I
felt chilled to the bone and I gave in. Brian stepped back and out
of my way to give me space. Only when I was sitting did he take his
spot at his desk.
Once sitting down, I
couldn’t help but feel the weight of sleep on my eyelids despite
the awkward tension in the room. Unexpectedly Brian spoke,
startling me awake.
“Deirdra,” he began,
letting his gaze lock with my own. “What was it like?”
At first, in my
sleep-deprived brain, I wasn’t sure what he meant. What was it
like, to eat, walk in the sun, to be mortal again? But his eyes
alone revealed what he truly meant.
“It was absolutely
terrifying,” I admitted. Instantly he was riveted. I on the other
hand was terrified to think about it. I broke eye contact with him.
I couldn’t look at him if I were going to confess what I
experienced.
“I really don’t know where
I was when you guys pulled me out of it and brought me back.” I
began, letting my mind find the words to try and explain
it.
“If
it
was
hell, it
lived up to it’s name. Relentlessly I had to relive the moments in
both my human and vampire lives. They twisted my memories into a
horror that was unexplainable. I can only conclude that what I
experienced was what would have been my eternal punishment for the
uncountable evil acts I committed. God–or the devil–only knows what
I would have experienced if I had never been brought back.” I
shuttered at the thought and began to fidget, twisting my fingers
and picking at my nails. I looked up and took a deep breath before
continuing. “When I was summoned back,” I began uncertain if I
should continue with my thought, but felt I had to. “That was the
most terrifying moment, despite knowing that I would have been
there for eternity to suffer my sins. Brian, I don’t know what it
all was; I don’t really know where I was. But when I came back, I
passed so many mournful souls crying out for forgiveness. And you
know, I couldn’t help but feel–almost like a knowing–that they
would never be forgiven. That was all there was for them. I
couldn’t help but feel there was no heaven at all, only your own
personal hell, a place to try to do your penance, or a form of
limbo.”
As I finished, I sighed,
tears streaming down my face. I hadn’t even realized until then
that I had begun crying. I couldn’t help but feel consumed by
confusion. Having revealed for the first time to anyone and to
myself what I went through, I was more confused now than I was
before my death and resurrection. The reason I chose immortality in
1795 was because I feared the unknown nature of the afterlife. And
now? Now I fear the afterlife for what it had shown me.
Brian sat there,
motionless. Letting my eyes meet with his, I could tell that he was
as confused by my confession as I was and his eyes revealed that it
frightened him a little too. The silence between us didn’t bother
me as it had earlier and I allowed myself to feel safe around
him.
“Knowing what you know
now,” he began with trepidation, “are you okay with being mortal
again?”
I looked towards the window
and at the night sky. I wasn’t sure how to answer him.
“Deirdra?” Concern
coloured
his voice. I gave
him a weak grin.
“It is something that I
used to wish for once. Now that I have it, I am not sure. I may
have a few more demons to fight, and the knowledge that vampires
exist, but I’ll take each day as it comes.”
Rising from the creaking
wooden chair, he approached me and sat at the end of the bed. His
eyes sympathetic but questioning, searched mine.
“Is that really how you
feel, what you believe?” He pried.
“Yes–it is,” I
said.
“You are a strong woman,
Deirdra. I admire you.”
Suddenly, without
explanation, Brian looked away from me, and began to mumble under
his breath.
“…
no, not revenge,” he said
loud enough for me to catch.
“Revenge?
I don’t want revenge on anything or anyone.” I paused, his
demeanour
had changed and the feeling of false security had
dissipated.
“Brian, what are you
talking about? Are you alright?” I asked, sliding away from
him.
“I want you Deirdra, and
they tell me I should. Should I? Should I ruin your mortal life
like you did mine?” His eyes were fierce as he turned back to look
at me.
“Brian,
you’re scaring me.” I said rising from the bed. I wasn’t sure
who
they
were, but
I had a good idea he was suffering from a hallucination of some
kind.