Read Self Destruct Online

Authors: K. D. Carrillo

Self Destruct (10 page)

21

Rebecca

 

I put on a good show pretending that what happened with Aiden’s mom didn’t bother me. Now, laying in the dark, with Aiden’s arms wrapped around me, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  My breath became shallow, as I fought the urge to cry. 

“Hey, talk to me,” Aiden urged in a sleepy voice.
“I…I‘m sorry about lunch today,” I said holding back tears.  Aiden stroked my hair. 

“No,
Red.  I’m sorry. I knew it was a mistake to introduce you to her.  Not because I was ashamed of you, but I was afraid she would act this way.  I had hoped she would see how much I love you.  You make me happy.  If she can’t see that, I don’t really give a shit.”

“I don’t want you to have to choose me over your family.  I’m afraid you’ll regret choosing me when you realize I’m not worth it.”  Aiden pushed me back gently so he could look at me.  “Don’t ever say that again.” 

Fat tears raced down my face.  “Aiden.  I’ve done things that I’m not proud of.  Your mom wasn’t completely wrong about me.  She said I was a slut, and she isn’t wrong.  I mean, I’m not anymore, but there was a time,” I said fighting a sob. 

“Stop Becca.  Don’t do this to yourself,” Aiden begged.  “P
lease, just let me get this out," I pleaded while I had the courage to tell him.  "When we moved to Washington after, you know, I had a need to shut down.  I started drinking.  I was in seventh grade, but I got invited to lots of parties, and I drank a lot.  I let boys touch me.  I’ve kissed so many guys that I don’t even remember how many.  I felt nothing. 

It didn't take long for
rumors spread.  They said I was easy.  I don’t really know how I remained a virgin.  I guess it made me feel in control that I could stop it.  But I honestly expected someday that control would be taken from me. 

It got really bad
two years ago.  During my freshman year I was trying hard not to repeat my past, to be normal.  God, it was hard.  I hadn’t really made any friends.  I didn’t have anyone.  I considered killing myself.  Actually, I started to plan it. 

I fell into a pretty deep depression, and probably would have gone through with it if it weren't for Toni.
At that point was just a girl in my English class, but she demanded I go to lunch with her.  She was nosey, and insisted I tell her about myself.  I didn’t really say much, but it was a hell of a lot more than I had said to anyone else in a long time.  We spent more and more time together, and I kept waiting to kill myself. 

She dropped by unannounced one day, a couple of weeks after we became friends.  I had talked to my mother earlier that day, and she brought up what had happened in Colorado.  Suddenly the urge to escape was
unbearable.  I started drinking, and didn’t stop.  The drunker I got the more I started to wonder why I hadn’t taken the pills I had hidden in my desk. 

I drank more and dumped the pills on the desktop. 
Thankfully I left my keys in the door, and she let herself in.  She found me sitting at the desk, drinking vodka straight from the bottle, and staring at a mound of pills. 

She forced me to throw up, and she kept me awake until I had sobered up enough she thought I wouldn’t die of alcohol poisoning. 
She started pressuring me to see a therapist, but I refused.  I refused even after we became roommates and she knew how self-destructive I was.  I was still drinking and partying regularly until one night I went home with a guy and he heavily pressured me to have sex."

"He didn't...uh...you weren't forced, were you?" Aiden asked his voice laced with anger.  I flinched, and he rubbed my shoulder to reassure me.  "Red please don't misunderstand me.  I'm not mad at you.  I would like to bash in the face of every fucker who ever touched you when you weren't enjoying yourself.  And the idea of anyone forcing you, just makes me homicidal."

I smiled sadly.  "No, he got pissed, but he stopped.  I ran home and started scrubbing myself in the shower.  Toni came in and found me huddled on the floor of the shower rubbing my skin raw.  The next day she forced me to speak to a counselor.  It took a while, but I started to come to terms with what happened to me and stop punishing myself."

I could see a pained look cross over Aiden's face, and I reached out to offer him the comfort he was freely giving me.  I watched his Adam's apple bob up and down like he was trying to swallow. 

"The thought of you dying, of losing you before I found you, it scares the hell out of me Becca.  I think I would have missed you even if I didn't know who I was missing." 

"
I haven’t tried again.  I stopped drinking so much.  I stopped dating, or whatever you might call what I was doing before.  I’m better than I was, but don’t you see Aidan?  That stuff is still there.  I was that person.” 

I held my breath.  I knew a
ny minute he was going to be disgusted with me and want me to leave.  My heart would shatter, but I would understand.  I wouldn’t even hate him for it.

“I think I’m even more pissed at my mother now than I was this afternoon,” Aiden said venomously.  “She’s your mother Aiden,” I whispered.  “You. Are. Not. A. Slut.  You have been through hell.  I wish your family had put you in therapy after you moved.  You should not have had to deal with figuring out those feelings alone.” 

I started crying, and I couldn’t stop.  Aiden pulled me into his arms.  “I think Toni is now my second favorite person.”  “What?” I asked confused.  “She made sure my favorite person was still around to save me from myself.”  He wiped the tears from my face. 

“You did you know.  Save me from myself.  I was drowning in misery.  You weren’t the only one that was trying to numb away the pain.  I was planning on drinking myself unconscious at the lake, and then I saw you trying to ride a jet ski.  You were
very bad at it, but were having so much fun.  I wanted to teach you.  I wanted to do anything to just soak up some of your happiness. 

When
I met you I realized it was just who you are.  Every time I talked to you I wanted to talk to you again, for longer.  When you went to that wedding, I thought you would move on.  I was scared you would, and when you texted me it was like I could breathe again.  You gave me the courage to do something I have wanted to do for a long time. 

It wasn’t enough to leave her just for myself, even though I was desperate to.  I wanted to be with you, love you, and take care of you.  I know you don’t need me to, but I need to.  My mother, Vanessa, and her family have held me down for too long.  I’m a symbol to them, nothing more.  Don’t let my mother’s words destroy what we have.  I promise you I don’t give a shit what she thinks.”

“I love you Aiden.  I’m sorry I freaked out.  I tried not to, but,” I broke off.  Aiden kissed me softly, “Tell me Red.  You can tell me anything, haven’t you learned that?”  I whispered, “The thought of loosing you scares me to death.”  “I know the feeling,” he admitted. 

“Did you mean what you told your mom?” I asked timidly.  “Which thing? 
I told her a lot before we left,” he asked. “What you said about marrying me?” I asked.

“The part where I said I would marry you tomorrow?” he asked amused.  “Don’t laugh at me,” I playfully protested.  “Yes, that part,” I continued.
  “I meant it," he reassured.  "Aren't you afraid that things are moving too fast?  We've been together a little over a week.  How could you possibly know so soon?" I asked seriously.

"I never believed in love at first sight.  I definitely lusted you at first sight.  I fell a little in love with you when you told me off by the lake during Toni's party.  I knew I was falling for you when I shared my past with you and you accepted me.  I fell more when you trusted me with what happened to you. 

I'm sorry I blurted it out that way in front of my family.  I meant to give us time until I knew you felt the same way before I started talking about marriage.  I don't want you to feel pressured about the pace of our relationship.  I want you to graduate without me getting in your way. But if you wanted to get married sooner I will provide for us.  Hell, I want to be able to provide for you regardless.” 

“I’m not looking for a provider Aiden.  I want us to work together.”  “I know.  I’m
a little old fashioned, but it's practical too.  I want children Becca, two or three of them.  I’m not saying I want you to be a stay at home mom, but if you wanted that, or if you had a difficult pregnancy I want us to be secure.  I want us to have more together than we would apart.  Money isn’t really that important to me.”

"It's way to early to be talking about this.  We haven't even known each other for a month," I pointed out.  "Logically I know you're right.  But being with you feels right.  It's like you are a puzzle piece I had been missing, and with you I feel complete for the first time in my life.  I only meant to let you know what my intentions are.  I mean to marry you someday.  I can wait until you're ready," he explained.

“And you already know you want babies, as in plural?” I asked.  He nodded his head.  "Wanna practice?" I whispered.  Aiden chuckled a low sexy rumble.  “I think I’ve awoken a monster.”  I rubbed my leg against his inner thigh, brushing across his groin.  “Is that what you call it?” 

Aiden groaned.  “Red, please go to sleep.  I can’t touch you again today.  Aren’t you sore?”  I shrugged.  “A little I guess, but the feeling goes away when your voice gets low and gravelly.  I’ll be good I promise.  I just want to be close to you tonight.  I need to be close to you. Just hold me Aiden.”

He smirked, “I need you too.  I was so afraid my mother was going to run you off.  When you panicked earlier I was afraid you were telling me goodbye.  I need to hold you as much as you need to be held.  Promise me something.”

“Anything,” I promised without hearing what he wanted first.  I meant it though, I would give him anything, promise him anything, just to see him smile.  “Promise me you won’t let anyone or anything come between us, and I will make that same promise to you.”  “I promise,” I yawned.  “Good, now sleep Red.  I won’t let you go.” 

 

22

Aiden

 

The ringing of my phone jolted me awake.  I answered it and carefully got out of bed, because I didn’t want to wake Becca.  I put the phone to my ear in the hallway and realized I didn’t check the caller ID. 

“Aiden are you t
here?” my dad asked.  “Yeah dad.  Sorry, I was asleep.”  “I’m sorry to call this early, but I wanted to talk to you while your mother was out shopping or whatever it is she does when we come to these fancy hotels,” my dad began.

“What did you want to tell me?” I asked nervously.  “I wanted to check on you, make sure you were alrig
ht after yesterday,” he said.  “I’m ok now.  Becca had a hard time with what happened.  I can’t believe mom called her a slut.  What the fuck was that?” I seethed.

My father sighed.
“I don’t know Aiden.  Honestly.  She and I talked about what happened after you left.  She had no idea you haven’t touched your trust fund in years.  She also had no idea I created provisions that prevented her from limiting your access to your accounts without the trustee’s approval.  That approval is dependent on proof you have a medical condition that makes you unable to care for yourself.  I have to tell you, I really enjoyed telling her that.” 

“I’m sorry if I
put you in an awkward position,” I apologized.  “Aiden you should be able to bring your girlfriend to have lunch with your parents.  If it works for the two of you I would like to come to Ellensburg this weekend and we can try again.  I don’t think Rebecca had a chance to say anything before your mother went on the attack.  Can I stay in your guest room?”

“Would you be uncomfortable if she were here when you stay over?” I asked.  “Huh,” my father started chuckling, “
I take it things are going well?”  “I love her dad.  I wasn’t just trying to piss mom off when I said I want to marry her.  She is everything I want and thought I would never get a chance to have.” 

“How long have you been together?” my father asked carefully.  “Look it is going to sound bad when I say this, but we have known each other a little over two weeks, and we have been together f
or a little over a week.  I know you probably think that this is moving too fast.  Just hold your opinion until you meet her though please,” I urged.

“You’re being care
ful?” he asked.  “Yes dad, very,” I answered.  “She’s beautiful Aiden.  Striking really.  And you seem very happy.  Right now I’m so glad you are away from that viper I could hug the girl myself.  Just be sure before you make it permanent.  You managed to escape one noose, don’t set yourself up in another one.  Marrying the wrong woman can make your life a living hell, trust me.”

“Is it that bad with mom?”
I asked concerned.  “I shouldn’t talk to you about your mother,” he replied sadly.  “Are you happy?” I pushed. 

“No.  I won’t lie to you.  I’m not going to go into the details, but no I’m not happy.  She would be pissed if she knew I told you this, but we have been talking about getting a divorce.  Life is too damn short to be this miserable,” he admitted.

“Just be happy dad.  I’ll support you.  You never answered my question.  Would you be uncomfortable staying here if she is here too?”  “No son, I’ll be fine with it.  You might want to check with that girl of yours though, because she strikes me as shy.”

I laughed.
“Well it seems like you did get to know her a little.  I’ll ask her, but she’ll probably insist on staying at her place.  I managed to get her to stay the last two nights, but I doubt that will work every night.  I just don’t want her to leave.” 

I got off the phone with my dad and crawled back into bed with Becca. “Where were you?” she asked cuddling back into my arms.  “My dad called, and I didn’t want to wake you up.” 

“Is he upset?” she asked nervously.  “No, well at my mother yes.  He is disappointed he didn’t get a chance to get to know you. He would like to come back this weekend to take us out to dinner.”

“I would really like that.” Becca’s smile lit u
p her face.  A pink flush spread over her cheeks, and her eyes sparkled.  I was learning pink meant she was either flattered or embarrassed, or perhaps both.  Red meant that she was turned on, my personal favorite. 

“He will probably stay over that n
ight,” I said testing the waters.  “That’s fine, I should probably go back to my place today anyway,” Becca responded quickly.  “No,” I blurted out. 

“I mean yeah if you need to, but I really don’t want you to.  I only told you about my dad staying over because I wanted to see if you were comfortable being here
while he is.  I already talked to him, and he was fine with it, but said you seemed shy and I shouldn’t spring it on you.” 

“Won’t that be weird?” she asked
concerned.  “Not for me, but if it is for you I understand.  I don’t want to sleep without you,” I explained.  “I can’t sleep here every night.  I have an apartment, and you have a roommate that might get irritated.  I like Jeremy I don’t want him getting annoyed with me.”

“Why would I be annoyed with you?” Jeremy asked from the doorway.  Becca squeaked and tried to pull the covers over her tiny tank top and shorts.  Jeremy started laughing.  “Aw sweetie covering up that sweet ass is just mean,” he teased.

“Dude, don’t check out my woman.  Dammit, you’re gay, I shouldn’t have to worry about you too,” I grumbled.  Jeremy shrugged. “I guess I’m not a hundred percent gay.  I mean, I liked kissing her, and even I can tell she’s hot.”

“She’s also right here,” Becca
reminded us.  I was still stuck on the idea that my gay best friend just admitted that he was kind of attracted to my girlfriend.  “What exactly are you saying?” I pressed.  “I’m mostly gay, but I like to look,” he answered like it was no big deal.  I shook my head. 

Becca cleared her throat.  “Jeremy I don’t want to make you uncomfortable in your own house, so if I’m here too much just let me know ok?”  “I like having you here
.  Not just because you’re cute,” he said flashing her his lady-killing grin.  “Cute?  She isn’t cute she’s sexy,” I pointed out. 

“Like I said, I’m mostly gay.  Seriously though, I don’t mind if you moved in.  Aiden is much easier to be around when you are
hear,” Jeremy told her. “Really?” I asked surprised.  “Sure.  We used to have another roommate until we discovered what a prick he was.  This would be even better, because we would still have a guest room.”

Becca’s eyes were wide and bouncing back and forth from Jeremy and me.  I studied her for a
second. She didn't seem scared, but perplexed.  “Be serious Aiden.  We’ve been together for a week.  I have roommates I can’t just abandon them,” she argued.  “What if there was someone who could take over your portion of the lease?” Jeremy asked.  “I don’t know,” Becca replied hesitantly. 

“What if someone could take over your lease?  Would you consider moving in with me?  I didn’t think about it before, because I honestly didn’t think you’d go for it.  But I don’t want you to leave.  I don’t want to come here an
d sleep in this bed without you,” I asked, partially thinking aloud.  Jeremy interrupted, “That is my cue to go and let you two finish this discussion.”

“If I didn’t think about how insane it is to move in with you after only knowing you for two weeks, I guess I would go for it.  I don’t like the idea of being away from you either.  But two we
eks Aiden.  I’ll think about it. I think that we should at least wait a full month,” she reasoned. 

“I want to know who he thinks is willing to take over your lease,” I pondered.
“Jer,” I shouted.  “What?” he called back. “Who did you find to take over Becca’s lease?” I asked when he returned to the doorway. 

He smiled like he was up to something.  “Cameron just
moved here, and it's really hard to find roommates when you are gay.  Kate said she would love to live with him, but she can’t leave either Becca or Toni.  I’ve seen the way you two are, and I figured it was only a matter of time before you guys shacked up,” Jeremy explained.

I tugged on one of her red curls to get her attention.  “I don’t want you to move in with me unless you are positive it is what you want.  Don’t worry about anyone else.”
“It’s really hard for me not to think about everyone else,” she admitted.  “I know.  That’s why I said it,” I replied.  “The thing is,” she began, “I do want to live with you.  It doesn’t feel too soon.  I just never pictured myself living with a boyfriend.”  “Would you think about it?” I asked.  “For you anything,” she promised. 

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