The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (23 page)

126 1-2-3 MAGIC

right away what you’re talking about, so he’ll respond with, “What?” His

comment may even be a little ornery.

That’s good—make him think a little. You pause, then say, “School

clothes.” If your son then goes off to his room in a huff to change, fine.

You probably don’t have to count the huff. If, however, he yells at you,

“WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO CHANGE MY IDIOT SCHOOL

CLOTHES?! ARE THEY MADE OUT OF GOLD THREADS?!”

Pop quiz: What should you do now?

You got it! You say, “That’s 2” for Testing Tactic #2, temper.

That’s our list of Start behavior strategies. You’ll probably be able to

come up with several of your own after a while. Next we’ll take a look

at how to apply these tactics to some of the most common Start behavior

problems parents encounter with their youngsters. You’re going to be an

expert motivator of children in no time!

Your 7 Start Behavior Tactics

1. Praise or positive reinforcement

2. Simple requests

3. Kitchen timers

4. The Docking System

5. Natural consequences

6. Charting

7. A variation of counting

Keep your thinking cap on—and good luck!

14

Up and Out in the Morning

And... they’re off! Or are they?

Close to the top of the list of greatest Start behavior problems is

the issue of getting the kids up and out of the house in the morning.

Most often getting up and out is a problem for grammar-school kids,

though it can also be an issue for preschoolers, high school students and

even spouses. Morning often brings out the worst in everybody. Many

people—both parents and kids—are naturally crabby at that time, and

there is the additional pressure of having to get someplace
on time
. The

pressure, nervousness and emotional thunderstorms that can result have

ruined many a parent’s day.

For the kids, getting up and out in the morning involves a whole

sequence of Start behaviors: out of bed on time, washing up, brushing

teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast and leaving the house with the

right equipment. What is required may vary some from family to family,

but it’s basically the same job.

Believe it or not, these awful morning situations can often be

shaped up rather quickly using some of the Start behavior principles

we just outlined. Remember, on schoolday mornings counting will not

be your primary tactic. And the No-Talking and No-Emotion rules still

apply—even if you haven’t had your first cup of coffee.

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Up and Out for the Little Kids

Very small children in the two-to-five-year-old range are going to need a

lot of help and supervision in the morning. These children are not capable

of sustaining a positive activity for more than a few minutes, and most

of them will not even think of what needs to be done to get out of the

house. You’re going to have to help two- and three-year-olds get dressed

and wash up. You’ll also be responsible for remembering anything the

children have to take with them. And while you’re doing all this, you want

to praise lavishly for whatever positive efforts they make.

Four- and five-year-olds will often respond to the use of very primi-

tive, basic charts. The chart may have only two or three items on it. These

charts can also be combined with kitchen timers to produce an effective

motivational system. A chart for a preschooler might look something

like this:

M T W TH F

Out of bed

Brush teeth

Get dressed

Set the timer for 15 minutes and give the child a cue that it’s time

to get started. Many of the little ones are already out of bed, so that item

on the chart has been successfully completed. Whatever other tasks the

youngster finishes before the timer goes off are recognized with special

stickers.

With older kids in the primary grades, the chart may have four or

five items on it and the timer may or may not be necessary. For each task,

the child earns her favorite sticker for a super job and her next favorite

sticker for a good job. No sticker at all means “You blew it today, better

luck tomorrow!” The application of the stickers, of course, should be

acompanied by a lot pf praise: “Good job!” or “Wow, you did it in only

twelve minutes!”

In some families, breakfast and TV must wait until the child is totally

ready to leave the house—washed, dressed and packed. The breakfast,

entertainment and praise serve as reinforcers for the child’s successful

Start behavior.

UP AND OUT IN THE MORNING 129

What about fighting, teasing, whining or other Stop behavior in the

morning? Stop behavior should be counted as usual. If there is time for

a time out, don’t hesitate to use time outs. If there is not enough time,

consider using time out alternatives. “Guys, that’s 3. Bedtime is fifteen

minutes earlier for both of you tonight. OK, let’s get in the car.”

Up and Out for Older Kids

For children nine years old and up (including high school age), our

up-and-out program involves some drastic alterations in the morning

routine. These alterations will often shock the kids into being much more

responsible for themselves, but be forewarned:

These changes also require extreme self-restraint Quik Tip…

on the part of moms and dads.

Tell your older

Before explaining the new regime, we re- kids that from

mind parents that—believe it or not—most kids now on, getting up

want to go to school and would be embarrassed and out in the morning

if they were late or didn’t show up at all. Parents is going to be their

often don’t realize their children feel this way for responsibility—totally.

two reasons: (1) the kids goof off in the morning You will neither supervise

nor nag them. Your

instead of getting ready and (2) the kids are able children will not at first

to dil y-dal y precisely because their parents have believe you are serious,

habitually taken
all
the responsibility for their but they
will
believe you youngsters’ making it to school on time.

are serious after you’ve

Now that way of thinking is going to let them get burned a few

change—in both children and parents. Here’s times. What’s your chief

job in all this? It’s keeping

how the new procedure works. You explain quiet.

to the kids that from now on it will be their

responsibility—not yours—to get up and out in

the morning.
You will neither supervise them nor nag them
. If you have

been waking them up, you will wake them up only once from now on. A

better system is to get an alarm clock and show the child how to use it.

Explain to the kids that if they go back to sleep after your one wake-up

call or after the alarm goes off, you will not wake them again and they

will definitely have a problem.

You make it clear to the kids that getting up, getting dressed, washing

up, eating breakfast and leaving on time will be their job—totally. If you

wish, you can chart the kids on how well they do getting up and out, but,

other than casual conversation, you will not say anything to them.

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Your children will not believe that you are serious, because they will

find it completely incomprehensible that you would ever allow them to

get to school late (you may have trouble with that concept, too). So guess

what? You are going to have to make believers out of them.

This new system relies on natural consequences. If the kids dilly-

dally in the morning, they are going to run into trouble somewhere. The

trouble may be with the other kids in the car pool, who are now afraid that

they are going to be late because of your son or daughter (can you stand

that?). Or the trouble may come from the child’s having to explain to a

principal or teacher why he was late and has no parental note excusing

him. Most kids don’t want these kinds of problems, so we use the threat

of these natural consequences to help shape them up.

Some parents can’t stand this routine. It drives some grownups

crazy to watch their kids fooling around when the bus or car pool ride is

coming in five minutes. These are the moments when extreme parental

self-restraint is called for. You will want to talk, nag, argue or scream. I’ve

had to ask many parents to take their coffee, retire to the bedroom and not

watch the impending disaster. One mother told me, “If I’m going to have

to keep quiet and not watch, I want a martini—not a cup of coffee!”

Breakfast is optional for these older children. You can put some food

out if that was your usual routine before, but
you can’t remind the kids to

eat it
. It’s better if the kids just get what they want for themselves. Chil-

dren won’t die from missing breakfast. When they leave, you say nothing

about coats, hats or gloves, unless there is danger of frostbite.

What you are doing with this new up-and-out arrangement is teach-

ing the kids responsibility and invoking a sacred rule of psychology:

Sometimes Learning the Hard Way is the best way to learn. The lessons

sink in more when kids get burned a few times than they do when they

simply hear a lecture. So you have to be willing to let the kids get burned.

Don’t even start this procedure unless you are convinced you are ready

for the strain and—more important—that you can keep quiet.

It usually takes no more than five days for the child to shape up

and successfully get up and out on his own. During that five day period

your youngster will probably be late to school a few times and will feel

embarrassed. He will have had the experience of suddenly realizing at

7:50 that he’s not dressed and that Mom didn’t remind him that his ride

was coming at 8:00. He may have gotten to school and realized he forgot

his math book because he was late leaving. He may also have blown his

UP AND OUT IN THE MORNING 131

stack at his mother a few times (and been counted!) because she didn’t

provide any reminders or any excuse notes.

Kids have four main ways of getting to school: car pool, bus, walk-

ing, or riding bikes. When you are within walking distance of the school,

of course, this up-and-out program is the easiest. With car pools or bus,

you may have to drive the kids if they don’t make their connection. Don’t

rush, however; make sure they still get to school late. Most kids will

not get dependent on your driving, especially if they’re late all the time

anyway. If you do have to drive the kids, remember not to lecture them

on the way to school.

These negative experiences have quite a bit of impact on most kids.

If the parents are consistent, don’t talk and let the kids get burned, the

children will shape up in a few days. No “I told you so” comments are

allowed. Then things will be much more peaceful at home in the morning

and the kids will be much more responsible.

Some parents have used charting along with our natural consequences

program. If you decide to do this, make sure you praise good performances

(“It’s so much easier with you getting yourself up in the morning!”) and