There was a huge part of me that questioned my faith in Jared, too, but the rest of me knew that was unfair. He'd done nothing to deserve that doubt; it was piggybacking the betrayal of Mistress Kayla’s. Against all odds, Jared had managed to track me down, and he was here now. In this moment, he was within reach, and tangible. That's what I needed to focus on.
“I do. I really do.”
“Then let me talk to her.”
“I can't ask you to do that. I need to be the one. I have to be an adult and face her. Even then...” I trailed off and met his unfathomable eyes again. “I need deviate from this path for a while. Find myself somewhere to live and a job... This pain, it's not going to go away just because I want it to, Jared. It’s real, and I have to process it. I have to know that I can deal with it without having someone beat it out of me.”
“Wait,” he said, his frown bringing the chill back to the blue in his eyes. “Are you saying you don't want this…? You don't want me?”
“No. That's not what I'm saying at all.” I took a chance and reached up to touch his face, my need for honesty driving me to be brave. “I've never wanted anything as much as I want you. I just need some time away from that part of my life. Being a sub is all I've known for four years, and although I embrace that part of myself, I have to know if I find myself torn apart again, I can face it and make it through without it. The last thing I need is to make a bad decision and get myself into a deeper hole that I have no way of digging myself out of. It’s self-preservation.”
I took a breath, pushing up onto my toes to get closer.
“Thinking I'd lost you was devastating, Jared. It almost broke me, and the guilt that came for not feeling that kind of love for Mistress Kayla only made that cut deeper and wider.”
Jared took a breath, the pain slowly receding from his eyes as it was replaced with understanding. “So it's not me you're unsure of. You need to figure out if you can live without being a sub?”
“Not forever, being a submissive is part of who I am, Jared. This is just until I find myself. I’m also too greedy to live a life without seeing that side of you and to not feel what I feel when you take control.”
“I can wait. I've lived my whole life suppressing that side of myself, Kit. I would wait another lifetime for you because I'm not going anywhere. I want to see what we have, to watch it grow and turn into what I know it can be.”
My lips curled into a smile as my heart pounded in my chest again, but this time because of the excitement and happiness that was unfurling and making its way through me. I wanted what he wanted, and though I would have happily sank to my knees there and then, I needed to just be me for a while.
“Kit?” Libby said, pulling the door open, her eyes widening as she took in Jared and me, still in an embrace of sorts. Pressing her lips together to hide her smile, she leaned against the doorframe and took in Jared's stature. He was a sight to behold and I almost felt her thrill. It was similar to the one I’d felt when I'd first seen him.
“Hey, Libs. How are you feeling?”
“Better, but obviously not as good as you,” she said, her grin breaking free. “Are you going to introduce us?”
“Oh, right. Jared, this is Libby, Maria's daughter. Libby, this is Jared, Charles' grandson.”
Jared, being the gentleman he was, broke away from me, keeping his left hand in mine as he stretched his right out to Libby.
“It's nice to finally meet you, Libby. Your mum is always singing your praises.”
“She does that.” Libby grinned, shaking his hand. “Would you like to come in for coffee and a sandwich? I woke up starving.”
“I'd love to, thanks.”
Jared followed Libby into the house, tugging me behind him. I pushed the door closed with my foot as he towed me toward the kitchen, his right hand giving Baxter a scratch behind the ears in greeting.
“Ham, pastrami, or turkey?” Libby asked, digging in the refrigerator as Jared deposited me on a stool with a kiss to my nose.
“Pastrami, please. In fact, why don't you get the coffee and I'll make you my, almost, internationally acclaimed melted cheese on pastrami sandwich.”
“World renowned? I have to see this.” Libby laughed, dumping pastrami and bread on the counter and backing away.
I watched in awe when Jared slid in as though he fit. He and Libby began chatting about everything and nothing while my jaw hit the counter and stayed that way. I was so lost in that one moment, not even the thought of what I had to do with Mistress Kayla shadowed my mind.
It was a milestone for me. Living in the moment and not overanalyzing everything was a decent start. I now knew what I wanted beyond a shadow of a doubt. Though I would have to face my past eventually, it was pushed to the side in favor of the almost surreal life that was unfolding before my eyes in that moment.
If it was all a dream, I hoped I would never wake up.
“You never said he was hot!” Libby declared. She was laying on top of my bed, stomach down and her legs crossed at the ankles as she casually flipped through a magazine.
It was the third day of having this particular conversation with her, and she'd been even worse because Jared had asked me out on a proper date. I may not have been actively subbing, or having sex of any kind, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t spend time with Jared. I was wearing a pair of Libby’s tight, skinny jeans and one of her tops because I’d brought nothing but old raggedy jeans and t-shirts.
“Like I've said a million times, it wasn't pertinent.”
“And every time you say that, the words bull and dung come to mind. He's gorgeous. How on earth were you able to walk away from him?”
“Not easily,” I admitted quietly as I turned to face her. “What do you think?”
Libby looked up from her magazine while I gave her a twirl. “I think you need to raid my closet more often. You look amazing.”
“Careful, I might hold you to that.”
“What's mine is yours. I know if you had stuff you'd let me borrow it.”
“Absolutely, with your mom’s blessing.”
Libby snorted and rolled from the bed as Baxter started stomping around by the door, Maria's voice telling him to shut up as she made her way to open it.
“Don't be nervous, Kit. It's easy to see he's into you, even if you couldn't see it before.”
I threw a lipstick at her and she hopped out of the way, her laughter trailing behind her as she headed to the front of the house to say hi to Jared. I'd been fine until she'd brought it up. I hadn't been nervous at all, just anxious to see him again since the night he'd shown up. We'd been talking on the phone a lot, but this was the first time I would be alone with him.
Double and triple checking my makeup, I grabbed the small bag I’d borrowed and made my way down the hall in the, also borrowed, heels, which, according to Libby, made my butt look amazing. I couldn't even do a last check in the mirror at the end of the hall. I knew he'd see me, and I didn't want him to know how much time and effort I’d put into getting ready.
It was only when I saw him that I started to relax again. He looked good in his dark jeans, black button up and boots. His dark hair was still long enough to hang over his ears, but all of that was forgotten as he took me in. The color of his eyes darkened from light blue to a darker shade, which was the biggest compliment he could have given me.
“You look beautiful.”
“And you look very handsome,” I said, ignoring the hum of agreement from Libby who was standing closest to me. She was twirling a rose between her fingers, one very similar to the one Maria was holding as she grinned at him, and then me.
“I got you some flowers,” he said, offering me a bouquet of ten roses and smiling happily as I stepped forward to take them. It was all so formal, nothing like us at all and I could only put it down to the little audience that was watching on with bright smiles.
“You two go,” Maria finally interceded, holding her hands out for the flowers the moment they were in my hands. “I'll put those in water for you.”
I mouthed a thank you to her as I turned in her direction, her expression sending me out of the house, which I was grateful for. The two of us seemed to take a deep breath the moment the door closed behind us.
“That was like a real first date with the pressure of family to boot.” He laughed, pulling me in for a long, hot kiss that made my toes curl. My response really wasn't much more than a moan of agreement when he pulled away, my eyelids fluttering open to see him staring at me in the porch light. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too,” I admitted, taking the hand he offered me and squeezing it. He wasn't making this abstinence thing I was trying any easier. His warm fingers folded around mine as he led me to the Jaguar and opened the door for me like a true gentleman.
We traveled through the overhang of trees in relative silence, the moon lighting small paths that we drove through. The bluish-white light was almost magical, even as the long shadows stretched over the road in front of us. Being this close to him brought conflicted emotions, like the guilt I felt at still belonging to Mistress Kayla, while I was so comfortable in his company being the first and foremost. Not that being with him was anything but perfect. My contentment was dangerous and almost addictive as I sat beside him, occasionally glancing over at his profile.
Was this how it was supposed to feel? Not just love but the ultimate bond between a Dom and a sub. If I hadn't been so determined to stick to my word, I would have let him do absolutely anything to me in that moment. It hadn't been that way before. There had been trust there, but not like how I felt right now. He'd come for me, he’d made me promises, and I believed him.
“You look like you're thinking pretty hard over there.”
“I do? Do I have steam coming from my ears?”
“No.” He laughed, reaching over and brushing his thumb over my brow. “You get a deep crease when you're thinking of something serious, and when you're contemplating, it's more shallow. I'd say deep thought.”
“I'm just thinking about things.”
“That's all you're going to give me?”
“For now.” I grinned, pulling the hem of my top down.
He paused for a minute and looked over at me as we passed through a stream of moonlight, his grin almost dangerous while he drank me in.
“I have ways of making you talk.”
My mouth fell open in surprise, opening and closing several times before my teeth clicked together and his laughter rang out.
“Your mind went straight to the gutter then, didn't it?” he teased at my reaction.
“No. I, uh... Yes.”
He laughed and shook his head as he pulled into a gravel parking lot and into a space just down from the door. Looking up at the shack in front of us, I was glad I'd changed my mind about the dress I'd almost worn. My attire was actually fitting for the venue.
“A honky tonk?”
“Zydeco bar, actually. I thought you were an expert of these here parts?”
“Tin roof, it applies to both.”
“What about the washboards replacing holes in the siding?” he asked, pointing it out and making me smile. I could see his point, the very thing they were using as instruments were also used for the structural integrity of the building.
“Smart-ass. I seem to be surrounded by them these days.” I grinned over at him and stepped out of the car, ignoring his growl for bypassing his chivalry. The music that filtered from the bar told me he was right, the unusual sound making my hips sway involuntarily. It wasn't my usual type of music, but when in Rome... it made the place feel authentic.
The spices in the air, the twang of music and the laughter flowing from within the walls made my heart hammer with excitement. Jared seemed to understand it, too. Rather than talking, he just stepped up next to me, his hand finding the small of my back as he guided me toward the doors that stood open to let the unusually cool air filter inside.
The moment we crossed the threshold, it was like an embrace. People's eyes wandered to us, their welcoming smiles and swaying bodies making the air humid and vibrant as the man behind the bar waved us in and shouted to take a seat wherever we could find one. With his hand in mine, Jared navigated us through the crowd to a dark corner furthest from the stage, the air cool, but damp.
“Is this okay?” he asked, leaning across the table, his smile lighting his eyes.
“This is perfect.”
A girl, wearing jeans and a shirt with a crawfish playing a washboard, burst forward and slid into the booth next to me, her eyes bright, and sweat dampening the neck of her shirt.
“Welcome to Zydeco Sam's, y'all. What can I get you to drink?”
I opted for a beer, the same as Jared, and listened to the waitress chat happily about the specials and what she thought of them as she handed us the menus. She was so bubbly and happy, obviously loving her job. Just as suddenly as she arrived, she left, being swept up into the crowd, promising to be back with our drinks and to take our orders.
There wasn't much talking to be done in the place, as the music was fast, loud and the center of attention, while the over compensating volume of the chatter around us seemed to absorb any sounds we made. When Jared realized I couldn't hear him, he slid next to me in the booth and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
“Where did you find this place?”
“I stumbled on it while I was looking for you. I took a chance and went to the few places we’d been together that you seemed to enjoy and got lost on the way back, figuring I knew better than the GPS did. I wasn't certain you'd stay in New Orleans after what happened so I used methods of deduction.”
“Why out here?”
“Because you love the bayou. I saw how the light left your eyes the moment we drove into the city.”
It did? I hadn't been aware that he’d been paying attention to me in that moment. I tried to recall that day, but it was lost. Something that was significant enough for him to remember was just another breath taken to me.
“Where else did you look?” I prompted, my heart pattering in my chest as another song started to play. I could barely keep my feet still under the
Formica
table.