The Mandates (11 page)

25

THE FINAL MANDATE— INTEGRATE, INTEGRATE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

If you are serious about coupling, it's important to make a public statement at an appropriate time in your relationship. Unfortunately, the two huge issues here rarely seem to go hand in hand. The first issue is “public statement.” The second is “appropriate time.”

A public statement is pretty clear: it can range from a simple “friends and family” announcement to moving in together. You are letting the world know you are a couple.

The appropriate time, on the other hand, is not clear. When is the right time to commit publicly? Many gay men I spoke with seem to delay making an announcement as long as possible.

The drive to hibernate with a new love, to stay in and eat Papa John's delivered pizza for six months, might be stronger among gay people because they can avoid a double dose of trouble: public scrutiny from straight people, and even worse scrutiny from gay people. But this scrutiny is all part of integrating.

With straight friends, any new partner for their gay pal is a big deal, especially if you are their household's token homosexual. They are probably more anxious than you are to see their spirited gay friend settle down. Their image of the “gay lifestyle,” the same image you grew up with, has you running around far too much with all sorts of bizarre characters and doing back flips in bathhouses. It follows that when you bring someone reasonable into their midst, you'll look on with horror as they descend on the poor soul, hoping to push “you two crazy kids” one step closer to a white house and picket fence. This is the kind of social pressure that childless straight Mormon couples complain about.

But that's still easier than dealing with the gay guys. When you think of introducing a new boyfriend, do you recoil at the pressure you face walking into a party of precocious queens with too much time on their hands? Do you flinch at the thought of their checking you out head to toe, sizing you up as if you were two stylish cows walking into McDonald's? Do you think straight couples face this pressure quite as much?

That's the downside of integrating, but there's a worse downside to hibernating. Though you will be blissfully happy on your island, eventually you have to leave the island and wash ashore to your real lives, filled with friends and family. I am convinced that this coming ashore is when many gay couples hit the skids. You underestimate the pressure you'll feel when merging your lives.

Many of us have been living an extended bachelor's existence when we finally meet the guy we want as our partner. We aren't used to having anyone question our financial situation (bank accounts, bills, investments), witness our family dynamics, listen to our telephone answering machine messages, see our mail and/or e-mail, or know our daily patterns.

Usually, this period of learning the details of each other's life is where privacy fears and compatibility issues arise, and where compromises have to occur.

George and Ron, two forty-something corporate executives in Wisconsin trying to build a life together, thought they were a perfect fit in every way until they started spending seven nights a week together. George, an early bird, was staying up much later than usual to spend time with Ron, a night owl. By the time Ron got home from work and the gym and started fixing dinner, it was 9 P.M. and George was ready for bed. This discrepancy wasn't an issue until they lived together. When they were dating, they overlooked their time differences and wrote off a little sleep deprivation. But soon they could no longer dismiss the negative impact of George's “up with the roosters” mornings or Ron's “midnight moon” evenings on their limited time together. They decided to compromise and devised a gay version of daylight saving time: George set his internal clock ahead one hour, and Ron set his back by an hour, netting them two hours together a day.

It sounds simplistic, but compatibility when it comes to basics like sleep is key. One of the upsides to integrating relatively soon is that you'll learn his habits. You'll find out how he feels about sharing important issues like money. And you'll find out right away that his family hates you, so you'll save a ton on wasted holiday gifts, phone calls, and other vain attempts to win them over. You made their son gay. That he knew every Bette Midler song by the time he was twelve is beside the point. Once you start dating him, it's all about you.

Talking to gay guys about relationships, I heard many stories of fiery flames that fizzled into dying embers at the point of integration. We all agreed that if we could do one thing differently in past relationships, we would have followed this final mandate. Integrate sooner, and shorten that wonderful and lulling cocooning honeymoon if you are entertaining thoughts of longer-term love.

The truth is that I have cocooned more than a jar of caterpillars. And I enjoyed every minute of it, too. But after cartons of Chinese food delivered in, lots of movies on the VCR, and long nights in front of the fireplace getting to know each other, a quicker way to assess longer-term dating and relationship potential would have been to invite friends over for dinner after about month two.

You will know by then if he is worth the introductions and ensuing expectations that'll descend on the two of you. Once you introduce him, he becomes a staple of your conversations, as in “How's Michael?”—until you inform them Michael is no longer in the picture.

Before you invest too much time in a man, see how he treats your friends and family. If he really cares about you, he will make an effort to join your life, already in progress. Social interaction is also a surefire way for you to find out more about each other, and how you fit in the world together as a couple.

Had I done this, I would have spared myself the difficulties of disentangling after months of dating because the seemingly great guy I had picked was unsuited to me, closeted, or totally uninterested in being what I now call a “boyfriend outside the home.”

In Part I, you discovered how the twenty-five Mandates work. Part II focuses on gay dating behaviors. What works? What doesn't? And what are the lines you should avoid at all costs? Call it Gay Dating 101.

Truthfully, there's a lot to remember on a date. Chew with your mouth closed. Occasionally stop talking about yourself long enough to ask a perfunctory question. Act like an urban Narcissus and check out how you look in every window, mirror, and reflecting surface you pass. Stand up straight (it might be the only straight thing you do all night).

That's why, when it comes to dating activities, the dos and don'ts need to be clearly spelled out.

PART II

A Gay Dating Primer: Dos and Don'ts

DATING DOS AND DON'TS

When it comes to dating, from calling him for that first date to meeting his friends and family, clear dos and don'ts are associated with each activity.