The next few days were busy assisting Sara and Daniel as much as possible. Though it was customary for the bride and groom to live with the bride’s family after their marriage, Daniel and Sara were blessed with a little house of their own. The old
dadihaus
, the house Leah’s grandparents had moved into when they deeded the farm to her parents before they passed away, would be Daniel and Sara’s new home.
Daniel took Leah with him to the house one day so she could help him add a few things as a welcome for Sara. He had finished updating the kitchen and wanted to put final touches on the rest of the house.
Leah had made a set of embroidered pillowcases—nothing too fancy—to put on their bed; the cheerful vines and flowers were very inviting. She had carefully pressed rows of pleating into a flat sheet so it could be spread under the mattress crosswise to act as a lovely bed ruffle. The pillowcases under the embroidered ones were also ironed into intricate pleats, their creases crisp and neat. She turned to view the small bedroom with a critical eye. The pure white bed coverings appeared a bit stark to her, so she went in search of something to warm up the space.
She found Daniel in the kitchen unpacking boxes he and Sara had brought over the day before. He was unwrapping and stacking white pottery plates and cups from their new set into the sink so they could be washed and put away clean.
“Hey,
Bruder
, I can wash those up for you. But first, I’d like to know if you and Sara have a nice throw or comforter that I can put on the foot of your bed. It needs something else to brighten the room.”
Daniel thought for a minute and then led her to a box in the corner of the living room. He rooted through the carton until he pulled out a soft throw that had the colors of a grape arbor on it: creams and greens and purples. The fringes rippled as he tossed it to her. She spread the beautiful throw at the foot of the bed.
Wish I could find some fresh flowers, but at least the throw brings a bit of color and warmth to the room.
Back in the kitchen, she helped Daniel continue unpacking and stacking the pottery dishes. Once they had them all out of the box, she primed the sink pump until cool clear water filled a large kettle. She lit the woodstove and put the pot on to boil water for the washing up. While she waited for the water to heat, Leah helped Daniel move boxes into the right rooms so Sara could unpack more quickly once they moved in permanently.
Back in the kitchen, Leah poured hot water over the dishes and began washing. She mused about her and Jacob being paired off for the wedding. It was the first time the two of them would be together in public. She smiled when she remembered the fleeting look of embarrassment that flashed across Jacob’s cheeks when Daniel asked him to help make food the day before the wedding. But then he’d glanced her way and grinned as she nodded, so it was all set.
“What are you and Sara planning to have Jacob and me do for the wedding meal, Daniel?”
“Sara thinks we should make you guys clean the chickens,” her brother teased. “I figure after hanging out with you all morning and then being exposed to the smell of a chicken coop, Jacob will change his mind and take off for the hills.”
She laughed and flicked sudsy water his way. Daniel ducked the attack and grinned back. When she was happy like this, feeling helpful and like a girl who was about to fall in love with a good Amish boy, she could almost believe her months of troubling questions and rebellious attitude were a thing of the past. She finished the dishes and wiped her hands on a clean towel.
Daniel grew thoughtful and motioned for his sister to sit down in a chair at the kitchen table. He rubbed his hand over the brightly colored oilcloth she’d unpacked and pressed over the round surface earlier that day.
“Leah,” he began. “I look at you now and I have trouble thinking you’re the same girl who lied to her parents, rode in a sinful man’s truck, and went to an
Englisher
Bible study.”
She was shocked at Daniel’s blunt record of her recent sins; she had no idea he was aware of all she had done. She pulled the kerchief off her head, readjusting the loosening pins in her hair before positioning the kerchief back in place. “Daniel, I just have these feelings—”
“Still?” he interrupted.
“Yes.
Still.
Though I don’t want to give up my family and the good times like this, I can’t keep ignoring this fight for freedom in my heart.”
As she admitted her inner thought, she was embarrassed. It was difficult to tell her brother her doubts. He was not going to like how rebelliously she was thinking.
“But what about Jacob Yoder? He seems to care about you very much, and I haven’t seen you turn him down on anything yet, so do you plan to make him follow you into the English world or something?” Leah’s head snapped up in alarm.
“No, of course not! I haven’t said anything about leaving. So don’t go running home to tell
Daet
a thing like that.”
Daniel watched her and slowly shook his head. “I wouldn’t, and you know it. I just can’t figure you out. One minute you’re in here all rosy cheeked and happy, helping me get the house together, and the next minute, you’re telling me you need this freedom or you’ll be sad forever.”
She sniffed and turned away. “I can’t explain it, Daniel, I just can’t, but I know that
Gott
is trying to tell me something—”
“Leah,” Daniel warned again, “it’s prideful to think we hear
Gott
speaking to mortals. Our parents wouldn’t like to hear you talking that way, and neither do I.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said impatiently. “I just meant … well, I think
Gott
is in the questions I’m asking, maybe prompting me to ask them because I think there’s something not right with the
Ordnung.
”
“Leah Raber, you are standing on slippery ground. You’ve allowed yourself to ask too many questions and to focus on too many problems instead of on the good things about our life. It isn’t right to get too big of a head, Leah, and start thinking you know so much.”
“I’m not saying I know so much. It’s that I don’t know enough, and I
feel
a lot, and it makes me so frustrated sometimes.” She pushed up from the table and got the bread and peanut butter spread out for lunch. She made him a sandwich first, set a glass of cold water in front of him, then made herself a sandwich and a drink.
They ate in silence for a time before Daniel finally asked her, “Aren’t you ever afraid of the consequences of thinking like this?”
“What? Why? I’m only asking questions. I’m not drinking or smoking or anything truly sinful.”
“Sister,
Daet
gave me this letter to carry in my pocket a long time ago. Let me read it to you.”
She grimaced when she realized which letter he meant. It was the angel letter: an ancient warning that whoever ignored this “new” missive from the hand of Jesus would suffer terrible maladies. Though
Daet
professed he was not the sort who believed in magic, he did think this particular letter was a good thing to have on hand. Leah was never sure why the letter was accepted as a kind of protection against harm, but many of the church members carried it and truly believed in its power.
Daniel laid the much-folded missive on the table between them and read it aloud:
A Wonderful Letter from God:
Printed in letters of gold and dropped by an Angel near the city of Madgesburg in Europe, where it was found. Whosoever desires to copy it is permitted to do so and whosoever despises it from him, we shall withdraw ourselves.
Whosoever labors on the Lord’s Day or Sunday is accursed for this reason. I command that ye do not labor on Sunday, but reverently go to church and do not adorn your faces. Ye shall not wear false hair and practice pride and vanity of your treasure. Ye shall give to the poor. Give abundantly and have faith and believe that this letter was written with my own hand and sent out from Christ himself. And that ye do not as the unconscious Brutes.
Ye have six days in the week, and in these ye shall do your work. But the seventh day, namely Sunday, ye shall keep holy. If ye will not do this, then I will send wars, hunger, pestilence, and famine amongst you. And I will punish you with many plagues. I also command you all; whosoever ye may be, young or old, great or small, that ye do not at any time work late on Saturday. But ye shall mourn over your sins that be forgiven you.
Do not count silver or gold. Do not give way to lust of the flesh or to your carnal desires. Remember that I created you and that I can again destroy you.
Do not rejoice in poverty of your neighbors, but much more have compassion on him, and it shall be well with you.
Children, obey Father and Mother that it will be well with you upon earth. Whosoever does not believe and do this is condemned and lost.
I, Jesus, have written this with my own hand. Whosoever shall oppose and despise it, that same person may not expect any help from me. And whosoever has this letter and who does not reveal or publish it to others shall be accursed by the Christian Church. If your sins be ever so great, they shall nevertheless be forgiven you, if ye sincerely mourn over them and repent of them. He that does not believe this shall die and be punished in Hell at the judgment day. I will ask you about your sins and you will have to answer me.
The person who shall carry this letter with him or keep it in his house shall not be harmed by thunder or lightning, shall be secured from fire or floods, and he that shall make it known among the children of men shall have his reward and shall have a blessed and peaceful departure from this world. Keep my commandments, which I have sent by my Angel.
The True God from Heaven’s Throne,
The Son of God and Mary
Daniel took his time refolding the letter and then tucked it back into his pocket. He looked long and hard at his sister. “It says right there the child who disobeys her parents is condemned and lost, Leah.” He sat back in his chair and crossed one leg over the other, his chin tilted down and his eyes on the floor. He looked confident and sure that what he had just read to her was enough to scare her into submission. What he didn’t realize was the superstitious letter had only made the flame in her chest suddenly and ferociously leap to life and begin burning its way to her mouth.
Why did Daniel think this old letter had any power over his life? Or hers? It did not make sense to Leah and demonstrated another confusing idea about her Amish church: believing in something like a letter to protect a person or to condemn a person. Was this biblical? Her gut feeling told her it wasn’t. And why use a letter like this to attempt to control her? She clenched her hands together in frustration.
She had to leave the
dadihaus
or she would end up speaking her mind, and then Daniel would have no choice but to report to
Daet
that she did not believe in the letter and, by extension, their Amish tradition.
Leah stood. “I think I’d better be getting home. I’m sure
Maem
has plenty for me to help her with, what with the wedding being only a few days off. Besides, I haven’t completely finished my own dress. I need to get that together as soon as I can.”
He looked momentarily irritated at her lack of response but then pushed himself away from the table and began to help clean up. They spent a few minutes more gathering things and putting a few items away, then they headed to the buggy for the short ride home.
She kept her mouth tightly shut until her mind and heart calmed down. Daniel turned into the drive, and she leapt from the buggy like a shot as soon as he halted the horse.
“Leah,” he called after her, “don’t forget, obedience equals a good life. Remember that!”
She ran up the stairs and down the hallway to her room. Inside, she felt safe and protected. She lay down on the bed and looked at the ceiling.
What can I do? I can’t leave—I can’t—but stuff like that letter … how can I go through my whole life ignoring that?
She waited until she heard her brother’s buggy leave the drive and then made her way slowly and quietly down the stairs. She wanted to find a place to sit and think. She wanted to figure out what to do next, if anything.
Leah walked out to the fields surrounding the farm and found a quiet rise near their neighbor’s corn field. The corn was shocked and the field was stubbly. She spread out her skirt, positioning herself in a soft, grassy area. The ground smelled damp and musty, its moisture settling into her skin. She looked up and saw a group of crows flying in busy circles, cawing out their complaints. They suited her mood.
She spent time praying, asking the Lord to show her the path to take. More than confused, she was desperate to understand how the Amish church could coexist peacefully with her muddled thoughts.
“Why?” she asked the crows. “Why can’t I be like all the others and just be quiet, join the church, and do what they want me to do? Why do I get frustrated with the things the church says and does?”
She stared across the field, watching her Amish neighbors going about their business. A horse trotted down the road, a black buggy rolling merrily behind it … an Amish woman pedaled her bike toward home … a straw-hatted farmer carried the seed pail to feed his chickens. So normal—yet none of it had meaning anymore. It was like she was already on the outside, looking in, and what she saw didn’t seem to have anything to do with her real life.
Her eyes caught sight of
Maem
coming out the back door. She saw her pause and search the yard.
Uh oh, she’s looking for me.
Leah got up, brushed the broken and dried grass from her skirt, and started walking slowly home. She had no idea what to do next but knew she couldn’t keep going on like this.
Maem
and Leah worked in the kitchen side by side for the rest of the afternoon, and then she hemmed the skirt of her wedding-day dress.