“Give him small slices, Mom.”
“Well, which kind of pie? Pumpkin or pecan?”
“Give him a piece of each.”
“You mean give him three desserts?”
“I want three desserts!” Spice was out of her seat and twirling around the dining room. “Three desserts. Three desserts. Three desserts.”
Her mother made a noise of irritation. “Look what that stirred up.”
Why was this turning into a major thing? “Just give him one spoon of pecan pie, one spoon of pumpkin pie, and one forkful of cake. Problem solved.”
“He can't have three desserts, Lissette,” her younger sister, Samantha, said.
“Why not?”
Kyle was wailing and making grabbing motions at the dessert tray.
“See what you stirred up?” Brittany said. “Mama, just give the kid a bite of something so he'll settle down.”
Okay, that hurt. Mainly because she was always the one in the family to smooth things down, not stir them up, but then suddenly, Lissette realized that if you wanted to get what you needed, sometimes you had to kick up a fuss, even if other people didn't like it. And why on earth couldn't Kyle have three desserts? Why did he have to choose?
If Jake had been here, he would have already told them all off. He would have done the dirty work for her, rescued her from having to ruffle feathers, but in doing so, his will would have been done, not hers.
Rafferty, on the other hand, was sitting there, one hundred percent in her court, encouraging her with his eyes, letting her know he was on her side, but letting her handle it on her own.
It hit her then, the answer to her dilemma on how to educate her child, and the frustration she was feeling just fell away. She didn't have to choose right now whether to teach him sign language or lipreading. She didn't even have to make a choice. She could teach him both methods, no matter what anyone else thought. She would allow her son to be her guide. She would give him what he needed when he needed it and not be swayed by the opinions of others, even the experts. She could allow everyone to be unhappy if they didn't like her decision. How they felt was not her problem.
Lissette pushed back her chair, planted her hands on the table and proceeded to tell her family exactly how she felt. When she was done, they stared at her slack-jawed. The room had gone silent. Across the table, Rafferty gave her a thumbs-up.
“You know, Erin,” Gramma Jean said. “I think I'd like three desserts too.”
“C
laudia, what's the matter?” Stewart asked. “You're more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers.”
“Lissy never called me over Thanksgiving. I haven't spoken to her in more than a month. We've never gone that long without speaking. She didn't even call me to say happy Thanksgiving. If it hadn't been for you inviting me over for Thanksgiving dinner with you and your kids I would have been all alone.” Listlessly, she poked at her pork chop with a fork.
Stewart had invited her out to Cracker Barrel for the Monday fried pork chop special and she'd gone because she didn't want to be alone. No, that wasn't completely true. She'd also gone because she was hoping things might progress between them. They'd been dating since that night he'd taken her out on his motorcycle, but he'd done little more than kiss her. She wanted more, but she didn't want to mess up the good thing they had going. His company was the only thing that had gotten her through the past month, but she wasn't quite ready to tell him stuff like that yet.
“Have
you
tried calling her?”
“I can't do that. I'm the one who . . .” Claudia trailed off. She was the one who'd given Lissy an ultimatum and Lissy had chosen Rafferty over her. Leading her to believe that Rafferty had told her what Claudia had done all those years ago in California. She'd been stricken with anger and grief when she'd made that ultimatum, and she sorely regretted it, but fear kept her from apologizing now, fear of being rejected and disconnected.
You're already disconnected. What have you got left to lose?
“Lissy has a lot to deal with,” Stewart said gently, and reached across the table to lay his hand over hers. “I bet she'd been too busy to call you. Don't fret. She'll come around. Eat up. Your pork chops are getting cold.”
She didn't argue with Stewart because she hadn't told him about Rafferty because she didn't want him to think less of her. She was enjoying their deepening friendship and she didn't want to upset the delicate balance.
Too late. Once he finds out what you're really like, you'll lose him too.
Why was she even here? She knew this relationship wasn't going to last. How could it? When he found out the truth, he wouldn't want her.
Stewart cleared his throat. “Claudia, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Tonight probably isn't the best night since you're so down in the dumps, but there's something I need to say.”
Great, he was going to dump her before they were even officially going together. She straightened, met his gaze, and braced herself for the worst. “What is it?”
“We're too old to play games. That's for the young ones who've got plenty of time to dither and mess around.”
Her heart leaped into her throat. “Stewartâ”
He raised a palm. “Hear me out. I know you've been going through dark times and that's why I've taken things slow so far. It pains me to see you struggling. I've known dark times too. But you don't have to struggle alone. I'm here to lighten your burden. I want to see you smile the way you used to smile before Jake died. I want . . .” He pulled his palm down his face, chuffed out a breath. “I want to make you happy again, Claudia. I want to be happy with you.”
She shook her head. She pushed her plate away, picked up the old-fashioned peg game they kept on the tables at Cracker Barrel to entertain yourself with while you waited on the food, and started moving pegs around. She'd never been able to successfully remove all the pegs through strategic jump moves. Inevitably, she stranded one lone peg.
“Claudia?”
She shook her head harder, blinked away the tears pressing at the backs of her eyelids, concentrated hard on the peg game. Six months ago she would have been giddy over Stewart's attention. She'd always admired and respected him and it didn't seem unnatural for that respect to turn to something more.
“Is it me?” He lowered his voice. “Are you not attracted to me?”
Let's see, if she moved this peg over that one, then . . . No, dammit, that wouldn't work. She'd leave one peg isolated without a way out of the corner.
“That's it, isn't it?” His voice cracked. “God, I was so dumb. I thought that day we kissed at the lakeâ” He broke off.
She didn't look up. Couldn't bear to gaze into his soulful eyes. “It's not you.”
“What is it then? Linda? Is it loyalty because of your friendship? Believe me, I understand. Linda is the reason I haven't made a move earlier. I loved her deeply and I didn't want to do anything to tarnish her memory, but, well, I had a wonderful dream about her the other night.”
Claudia moved pegs around, blue one over yellow, green over blue. She didn't dare glance at Stewart or she would come completely unglued.
“Linda told me how much she loved me. How much she loved you. She wanted us to be happy again. She wanted me to be with you. Does that sound crazy?”
“Wish fulfillment.”
“What?”
“Your dream. It wasn't Linda. Just your subconscious giving you permission.”
“So Linda is the reason you're hesitant? Because when I kissed you the other night, it seemedâ”
“It's not Linda.” Red peg over blue. Yellow over red. Yes, yes, she was getting it. She was going to make it this time. Finally. Success at something.
“If you're attracted to me too and it's not guilt over Linda, what is it?”
Three pegs left. It was going to work. She was going to do it.
“Claudia, please look at me.”
Almost there. Yes, yes! She removed all the pegs from the board, clutched them in a triumphant fist. One thing in her miserable life had gone right.
“I did it,” she said, finally raising her gaze to meet Stewart's.
He looked confused. “What.”
“The peg game. I beat it.”
Slowly, he shook his head. “You haven't heard a single word I said.”
She couldn't avoid it any longer. “Yes, Stewart. I did. I heard every word you said. It's not you. You're sexy as hell and I'd love nothing better than to jump your bones. It's not Linda. She was my dear friend, but she's gone. I don't think she would hold a grudge if you and I hooked up.”
“So what
is
it?”
“It's me. I'm messed up.”
“I know, but it's okay. You'll heal. I want to help you heal.” He reached across the table for her hand, but she scooted her chair back before he could touch her.
“You wouldn't want me,” she said, “if you knew the truth about me.”
“I've known you for over thirty years. You were Linda's best friend. You're a wonderful person. Smart, loving, generous. When I had to go to work you were there with Linda after every round of chemo, holding her hair back for her when she got sick. I see you for who you are, Claudia. I'm not blind. We all have flaws.”
“It's not just a character flaw, Stewart. I'm damaged in a twisted way.”
He frowned. “You're not twisted or damaged. You've just been through a lot.”
“There are things about me you don't know. Terrible things.”
Stewart laughed. “What? You shoplifted some lipstick when you were fourteen?”
“You don't believe I can be terrible?”
“I do not.”
“You want to sleep with me?”
His eyes glistened with desire. “More than anything in the world.”
“Before we take that step, I have to tell you what I've done. It's something I've never told another single living soul, but I need to confess, I need to clear my soul. And if you still want me after I tell you what I've done . . .” She shook her head. “Well, you won't want me. It will take that look right out of your eyes.”
Stewart straightened. “Nothing you could tell me would make me turn my back on you.”
She didn't believe him. Not for one second. “You say that now.”
“Do you really think so little of me? You have to take a chance, Claudia. Risk it. For anyone to connect with another human being we have to allow ourselves to be fully seen and heard for who we are.”
“You got that from Linda.”
“I did,” he admitted. “She was a very wise woman. If it helps any, I'll go first. When I got called out to my first fire I was so terrified that I hid in the chaos.”
Claudia's eyes widened. “You? But you're so brave.”
“I wasn't brave that night, but I was brave the next day when I went in to see my boss, ready to resign over my cowardice. You know what he said?”
“What?” she whispered.
“He said bravery isn't the lack of fear, but the ability to feel the fear and do it anyway. He said every single man in the stationhouse was scared every time we went out on a call. He said he didn't want a man who wasn't afraid. Bravery without fear is nothing but recklessness.”
Like Jake.
She closed her eyes and let all the air leave her body before she opened them again. She couldn't keep it inside any longer. She had to confess to someone or implode.
“Feel the fear, Claudia, and tell me anyway.”
She glanced over her shoulder. They were alone in the far corner of the restaurant, no one within earshot.
There, in the Jubilee Cracker Barrel, over the peg game she'd finally won and a plate of uneaten pork chops, Claudia began to tell him about the awful thing she'd done.
A
fter Thanksgiving a change took place. The mood between Rafferty and Lissette thickened, waiting to be shaped into something more.
But what was going to happen? Time was running out for them and she didn't know what to do.
Nothing
.
Do nothing. What can you do? You always knew this was temporary.
California awaited him. He had responsibilities just as she did. Her bakery business had sprouted legs after she'd passed out samples at the futurity and around town; new holiday orders were coming in every day. She could barely keep up. No time for spinning romantic what-ifs. She'd done far too much of that in her life. She was no longer afraid of reality. In fact, she felt freed. Powerful.
Rafferty had helped her get here. She would forever owe him for that great gift. They would exchange cards at Christmas. She'd e-mail him pictures of Kyle. He might send presents for Kyle's birthday and Christmas. She would call and congratulate him on the big events in his life. When he got married, had children, but that's all their relationship would ever be. All it could ever be. Because she didn't dare hope for more.
To the surprise of everyone except Rafferty and Lissette, Slate kept winning events and progressing in the futurity. Jubilee was buzzing not only about Jake's amazing horse, but about the California cowboy who'd made it possible.
Then on the third day of December, Slate's luck finally ran out.
Lissette hadn't ridden to Will Rogers Coliseum with Rafferty that day. She'd had orders to bake and deliver before she could get away to man her booth at the exhibit hall. Since she and Claudia still weren't speaking, she'd dropped Kyle off at the babysitter's and headed toward Fort Worth at three
P.M.
It took everything she had in her not to be the one to mend the rift, but her mother-in-law was in the wrong and Lissy had spent too many years apologizing for things that were not her fault.
On the drive, the cloudy skies darkened and the snow that the meteorologists had been predicting for days began to fall in a slow, thick tumble. The experts had warned that this promised to be an especially cold and precipitous winter, so she'd made sure to bundle up.
Before she went to her booth, she rushed to the John Justin Arena where the competitors were getting ready for their upcoming events. Rafferty was competing at seven
P.M.
She found him with a crowd of other entrants, including Joe, Brady, and Cordy.
The minute his eyes found hers, Rafferty's face broke into a welcoming smile that sent her heart reeling. He took her by the elbow and escorted her to an out-of-the-way corner. Even so, it was still difficult to have a conversation amid the sounds of mooing cattle, nickering horses, and joking cowboys and cowgirls.
“I just wanted to wish you good luck.”
“The competition is getting stiffer.”
“Still, you have a good chance.”
Rafferty nodded. “Listen, Lissy, I just wanted to let you know I've had an offer on Slate.”
“Already?”
“Yes.”
“Who's the buyer? How much did they offer?”
An enigmatic expression flicked across his face. “The buyer is from California. He's offering to purchase both Slate and his horse trailer for two hundred thousand dollars.”
Lissy gasped. “Really? That's amazing. I had no idea we could get that much for him.”
“He's done well.”
“It's all because of you.” Joyously, she threw her arms around his neck, squeezed him tight. “You've saved my life.”
“No, Dandelion, you saved your own life.”
“I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up when you did.”
“You would have done just fine.”
“Don't be so humble.”
“Don't be so scared of your own awesomeness.”
They stared at each other. If people hadn't surrounded them, she knew he would have kissed her.
“I'm going to write you a check for the two hundred thousand,” he said. “So you can have the money now.”
“There's no need for that. I can hold out until the buyer sends the money.”
“Let me do this,” he said. “While your bakery business is taking off, that means you're going to need more capital fast to keep expanding. I've already made out the check.” He took it from his shirt pocket and passed it to her. “Please take it.”
He was right. She had exhausted most of her money on the business and while she did have more income coming in, in order to grow, she needed to spend more. The two hundred grand was a godsend.
“Please.”
She realized she'd refused Jake's check from him because she'd felt hurt and betrayed, but this was different. For one thing, it was money from the sale of Jake's horse, which he had left to her, so that seemed okay even if it was Rafferty's training that made Slate worth so much. For another thing, she'd fully let go of the pain and resentment. She forgave Jake and released those negative emotions.
“All right.” She smiled.
He looked so incredibly relieved that it made her feel a little guilty that she'd caused him anxiety over this.
“Thank you, Rafferty.”
“You're welcome.”
“Well,” she said. “I better get to the booth and spell Mariah. Give you a chance to get psyched up for the match.”
“See you afterwards?”
“I'll be here.” She raised a hand in good-bye, and scurried from the arena, feeling more secure and at peace than she'd felt in a very long time.
R
afferty tried his best to win the event. Coaxed as much out of Slate as the horse had to give. If he won, he could stay at least a few more days in Jubilee, but if he lost, there was nothing holding him here any longer. He had to get on the road. Go home.
He felt a bit bad for not coming clean to Lissy about the sale of Jake's horse. He hadn't lied exactly. The buyer was from California. He just hadn't told her that
he
was the buyer. If he'd been honest, he was certain that she would not have taken the money. She had so much stubborn pride, but he admired that about her. She was an exceptional woman and he was happy that his plan to preserve her pride had worked. Not only had he gotten her to accept the check, but he'd also been able to spend two great months getting to know her and his nephew.
Too bad it was almost over.
Slate gave the challenge his all, but in the end, the horse was still too young, still too green to keep winning. He was an amazing animal and he'd be a nice addition to Rafferty's stables.
When the scores were tallied, one of Joe Daniels's horses won. Rafferty congratulated his new friend and meant every word, but he couldn't help tripping over his own disappointment.
It was time to go home.
Joe clamped him on the shoulder. “You did a phenomenal job with Slate. Much better than Jake could have done.”
“Thanks.”
“Will you be back next year to compete?”
Rafferty shook his head. “Probably not.”
While the idea was appealing, it was probably best he make a clean break from Lissy and Kyle. They had their own path to follow, and if he kept popping in and out of their lives it would only confuse things. For the first time, he understood why Jake hadn't kept in touch over the years. It was simply too hard on the emotions. Better to relegate Lissy and Kyle into a tidy box in his head and just get on with it. He'd kept his promise to Jake. He'd made sure they were okay, he could move on knowing he'd done his duty.
Why, then, did he suddenly feel so damn empty?
L
issette closed her booth at the trade show and slipped off to watch Rafferty compete. He'd given it his best shot, but he'd come in second to Joe's first place.
It fully hit her then that Rafferty's time here was done.
She left the stands and hurried down to the floor to search for Rafferty. The events were over for the day and everyone was loading up the animals. She found him currying Slate in one of the horse stalls.
“Hey,” she said.
He stood, set the currycomb aside. “Hey.”
“You were awesome out there.”
“Thanks.”
“I'm proud of you,” she said. “Gordon would have been so proud of you too.”
“That means a lot,” he said, and she could practically see the weight that had been burdening him for far too long roll off his broad shoulders. All his life he must have felt inferior to the father who never acknowledged him. “I do feel like I proved myself.”
“I'm going to just go break down the booth and we can get out of here.” She forced herself to sound perky.
“Let me help you. I can load Slate up later. It'll be easier anyway after most everyone else has thinned out.”
She didn't turn him down. They cleaned up her booth and carried the supplies to her truck.
Rafferty shut the pickup door and turned to face her. The night air was crisp and cold. A fine dusting of snow covered the ground, but the skies had cleared.
“It's cold,” he said. “Let's get back inside.” He took her by the hand and led her to the empty arena. There, small pockets of people were dotted throughout the arena, but for the most part they were alone.
Lissette took a deep breath. Tried to think of the right thing to say, but Rafferty was the first to speak.
“I've trained a lot of horses for the movies,” he said. “It's my favorite thing in the whole world, but I've never enjoyed myself the way I've enjoyed being here with you and Kyle.”
“Your entire visit has left a mark on me. I can't look around without seeing evidence of you,” she said.
Silence fell, lingered.
“If I were a superhero you know what kind of powers I would want?” he murmured.
She laughed. “What's that?”
“The ability to freeze time. You know, when there's a perfect moment that you want to preserve forever, wave a hand and stop the clock from ticking and just revel in it? Stay in that one spot for hours, weeks, months, years if you wanted.”
“It's a nice dream.” She nodded.
“But . . . ?”
“Only one problem.”
“What's that?” he murmured, wrapping a hand around her waist. His touch felt so good that she wanted to cry. “You don't approve of my imaginary superpower?”
“Everyone else would be frozen in the moment too, and what if in the moment of your bliss, they were clutched in the moment of their greatest despair? You couldn't do that to other people just so you don't have to face the next imperfect moment.”
“You're right. That would be terrible.” He pulled her up against him with both hands. She felt the pressure of his belt buckle against the small of her back. She tipped her head back to rest against his shoulder. “The two of us locked in selfish bliss.”
Lissette closed her eyes, felt his warm, pepperminty breath against her neck. What if he did indeed have superpowers? They could stay right here forever and ever. But that wasn't the way life worked and they both had responsibilities. Hers were here. His were in California. She sensed he was about to say something, so she beat him to the punch. “Please, don't say anything. Let's just stand here.”
“I have to leave soon,” he said.
“Shh.”
He turned her around in his arms so that she was facing him, and using sign language said,
I will miss you.
She mirrored his signing. What would she do without him? Better question, what would Kyle do without him?
You'll be fine,
he signed, reading her mind.
You're strong.
He was off to rescue someone else. That's what knights in shining armor did. Rescue people. He'd rescued her, but his work here was done. He was off to find someone more needy.
I'm needy
, she wanted to say.
I need you most
.
But she could not put that burden on him. She would not add to his pressure. She'd already kept him away from his home for too long. Besides, she had good friends here. She had her son. Eventually, she and Claudia would repair their relationship. She would survive.
A cowboy climbed down from the control both. “You folks need something?”
Lissette realized then that they were the only ones left in the arena. Empty soda and nacho containers lay scattered on the floor along with popcorn, beer cups, and ticket stubs. An event program with a boot print on it lay facedown in the mix.
“We're fine.” Rafferty raised a hand.
“I need to shut things down.”
“We're moving on.”
Moving on.
Rafferty tucked her against him, ushered her to the door. They stepped out into the cool night air. Christmas lights twinkled from the streetlamps surrounding the coliseum.
“I have to go load up Slate,” he said.
“I can come with you.”
“Kyle's waiting.”
“I have pastries to bake too,” she admitted. “Christmas rush. Too bad we had to come in separate vehicles.”
“I appreciate that you took time out to come watch me compete.”
“I wouldn't have missed it for the world.”
They paused at the exit where the last remaining competitors were leading their horses out to the trailers in the parking lot.
“Superpowers sure would be nice.” Rafferty reached up to brush a strand of hair from her forehead.
“We have to live in the real world.”
“Why?”
“Because neither one of us are slackers.”
“I should have cultivated a lazy streak, but I had too much to do.” His gaze never left her face.
“I've been thinking about it. Developing a lazy streak.” She cocked her head.
“You can't.”
“I know. Family. Obligations. Roots. That's what we've both got, with several states in between us.”
“And that's not even counting guilt and shame and grief.”