I don’t know why I kept pushing this thing, she’s clearly uncomfortable, but I don’t seem to have any control over myself. I want to be as close to her as possible, as close as she’ll let me be.
Being with Lili feels real, and there aren’t many things in my life anymore that do.
“Because for so long I’ve only had myself to depend upon. I don’t let guys get close. And this is really deep for a first non-date, right?” She won’t look me in the eye. Pink floods her cheeks and it’s so damn cute, I have to fight to remember not to touch again.
“Nah. This is what girls do, right?”
Brows gathering into a tight vee, she says, “Girls?”
“Talk about feelings and shit?”
Laughing, she shakes her head. “Are you calling yourself my girlfriend?”
Snorting, I lift a brow. “Absolutely not, I think we established last time, all man here.”
“Oh, okay,” the lights in her eyes dance, “because for a second there I thought you were trying to tell me something.”
Grinning, I say, “What I am saying though, is that if it makes it easier to view me as one, go ahead. I’m not going to bite, Liliana. I just want to hang out. That’s it. It’s not impossible for a guy and a girl to just be friends.”
Which is true, but just not in this case. I want to be a lot more than friends.
Mouth pinching tight, her eyes caress my face with suspicion.
“I promise.” I shrug. “Let’s just talk, forget about what we should and shouldn’t be doing, and just pretend we’re two normal people that don’t have to worry about anything other than enjoying the zoo. Like your boy.” I jerk my chin at Javier whose nose is now pressed to the glass as he continues to stare at the sleeping lions.
Sighing, she turns to her boy, and naked, unvarnished love shines on her. Her eyes are wide, her gaze focused and unblinking as she draws in long, deep breaths.
It’s humbling, and makes a horrible ache spread through my gut.
“You know,” she says, “sometimes I think he sees so much more than I ever will.” She looks back at me.
“Who’s the dad?”
Puffing air through her cheeks, she sits further back on the bench. Her back presses against my arm, but she doesn’t move and I know she has to feel me, because I’m so fucking aware. I clench my jaw as sweat prickles and gathers along my forearm at the point of contact. I don’t want to move, don’t even want to blink; I just want her to stay like this forever.
“My first crush.” She looks up at the fluffy clouds floating by. “If you haven’t done the math yet, I’m a statistic. I had him when I was fourteen.”
“Hey,” I wait until she looks at me, “so what? Do you think that’s something to be ashamed of?”
Blinking, she cocks her head, reminding me of a tiny field mice confused by the vastness of the world around her. “It was to my father.”
“Your father?”
Rolling the top of the popcorn bag down, she plops it next to her thigh. “Yeah. He was the one that took me to the hospital. It was like the moment the doctor said it was positive, something inside him died. I’ll never forget his look.”
“Parents suck.”
Her lips twitch. “Sometimes, I guess. He left us.”
“What a dick.”
“He’s still my dad, Ryan. I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt, doesn’t hurt…”
“Did he know your mom was sick when he bailed?” I don’t know why, but the thought of it makes me angry.
The sadness that bleeds through her tells me all I need to know. He’d known and he’d still left. “He left you to pick up the pieces? That why you don’t date? Expect all men to be like him?”
She sits up straight, and I want to curse myself for pushing too hard. I have my own damn demons, why am I picking at hers? Crossing her arms over her chest, she inhales deeply.
“I ruined his life. I was smart, really smart and he had plans…”
Jaw clenching tight, I tell myself to just shut the hell up, but I was never really any good at listening to advice, even if it’s my own.
“You’re a mom now, you can’t live vicariously through your kids. It’s not right, and only leads to disappointment.”
“Speaking from personal experience?” She lifts a brow and now it’s my turn to squirm.
Wiping my hand down my jeans, I say, “That wasn’t ever my problem with them.”
“Well? You heard my sob story, maybe it’s time you tell me yours.”
I know why she’s asking, know she’s remembering that night and my pulse speeds. I’m not giving her time to ask me why I did it. Routing the words I know are ready to spring from her tongue I shake my head.
“I gave my parents hell. Wore black, listened to death metal.”
“You?”
She giggles and eyes me up and down, making my blood hot and my skin cold wondering what it would feel like if she ever actually touched me.
“I can’t picture it, you’re all clean cut…”
“Thanks to the Marines. They kind of beat it out of me.”
“I thought you said you were a fighter.” She relaxes, uncrosses her arms, and I almost sigh with relief.
I love it when she touches me. And I know she knows she is, I feel it in the tremors coursing through her back. From what little I know about her, she isn’t used to this, seven years out of practice. And maybe, but some act of God, she’s just as curious about me as I am about her.
“Now I am. I separated three years ago. Marines teach you this thing called Marine Corp martial arts. I was hooked, took some fights while I was still in. Once I got out, I found a trainer and,” I shrug, “haven’t looked back since.”
“When do you train?”
“Six nights a week. At the gym across from the sushi bar.”
She smiles, a full on sexy one too, showing teeth and gums and I can’t help but respond.
“No wonder you knew where that hole in the wall was. Though I gotta say, that coffee was definitely not the world’s best.”
Laughing, I lick my lips. “Hey, whatever it took to get you out of Chai Time.”
“Hmm.” She bops her leg faster, “You’re a liar, that’s what you are, Ryan Cosgrove. I had caffeine withdrawal the whole day.”
“And I told you,” I lean in, forgetting the non-date rules, “I had to apologize.”
Her lips are plump and luscious, beckoning me to take a taste. She doesn’t move, but her eyes dart across my face, panic flares white and hot in them.
“Liliana,” my voice breaks,
save me
.
I kiss her.
And for a second I think she’s kissing me back. Her mouth is pliant and soft and a guttural groan spills from my lips as my hands slide slowly up her arms. I want her tongue, want it twined with mine, want to taste her and feel hers sliding with my own.
But before I can seek permission, her hands are pushing on my chest and her body is stiff.
Shocked, I snap out my haze. My cock is so damn hard, my balls aching and heavy. What the hell have I done?
She has a hand over her mouth. “That’s not okay, Ryan. It’s not okay.”
Fuck me.
Chapter 9
Liliana
The car ride back is torture. Why did he have to kiss me, why? Everything had been so perfect, so natural… for the first time in so long I couldn’t even remember when, I was having the most absolute, perfect day.
I pinch my brow.
Ryan is quiet, all the easiness we’d shared is gone. He’s silent and tense, not glancing at me. Dammit. I should have known better. I was flirting. I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to stop it.
It wasn’t fair, the first guy I meet in ages that does something to me, stirs up a hornet’s nest of emotions is also someone I can’t dare bring myself to trust.
Because he’d tried to kill himself.
A woman can’t fix a man.
I learned that the day Papa walked out on us. No matter how much love, no matter how many desperate pleas, if he doesn’t want to change, he won’t.
I close my eyes, drifting away on a fog of woe when Javi starts grunting.
My pulse speeds. Twisting in my seat I look at him.
“Papi? You okay?”
He’s looking out the window, his grunts growing louder.
Ryan turns to me. “What’s wrong? What’s he doing?”
Taking my purse off my shoulder, I rummage around inside, searching for the disc. “He’s tired and getting cranky. Music makes him feel better.”
Ryan clicks on the stereo, rap beats blares through the speakers.
Javi’s grunting so loud now that it sounds animalistic. His tiny hands are balled into fists in his lap.
“No,” I snap, then take a deep breath, “I’m sorry, no. Please, he likes…” finally finding the CD I pull it out, “he likes this. Can I play it, please?”
“Fleetwood Mac?” Frowning, Ryan takes it from my hand.
“Loves it.”
He inserts the disc.
“Number two.”
He clicks the knob.
The moment the haunting strains of Silver Springs drifts through the car, the grunting begins to quiet.
Ryan’s jaw ticks.
Miserable, I touch the tip of my finger to his clenched hand on the wheel. Blue eyes roll toward mine.
“I’m… I’m sorry, Ryan. It’s just that he…”
Shaking his head, he moves his hand away, letting me know I’m not allowed to touch. My throat aches and my eyes burn.
I’d blown it. God I’m so stupid. It’s not that I didn’t like the kiss.
I’d loved it.
Every damn moment of it and it had scared the hell out of me.
The way his big, rough hands had cupped my arms, making me feel so small and vulnerable. How his body had leaned in closer and his smell of cologne had wrapped itself around my head, making me dizzy and breathless. My insides had twisted as heat spiraled hot and liquid down my spine, settling between my legs.
I’d never wanted it to end.
Javi starts grunting again. I know what he wants.
Flicking my eyes toward Ryan’s face, I don’t want to do this. Not here. The tension’s so thick; singing isn’t exactly something I do in front of people anyway.
Squeezing my eyes shut I sing. Sing the words I’d sung a million times before, how he’d never get away from the sound of the woman that loves him, how my voice would haunt him, time casts a spell…
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and somehow I manage to do it without warbling. My voice isn’t bad, it’s not the greatest either, but it’s the one thing I think Javi ever really liked about me.
The moment the song ends he’s asleep, head rolled to the side, his full lips puffed open and looking sweet and so very, very normal.
“That was beautiful,” Ryan whispers.
Sniffing, I rub the tip of my nose. “Thanks. Look, I’m sorry about the zoo. But I told you--”
I see my street finally and a wave of relief engulfs me. Clicking on the blinker, Ryan stops at the stop sign before turning onto it.
“I know. My bad, Liliana. I just forgot myself. My bad.”
If I don’t get out of this car soon I’m going to bawl like a baby. Tears and I, they don’t mix well. My face gets all splotchy and my nose as big and puffy as Rudolph’s.
Parking, he doesn’t look at me again.
“Okay.” I nod. “Thank you, it was a great day.”
What a liar I am. It had been, until I’d gone and gotten all stupid about the kiss.