Now I’m just hyperventilating and I’m about to pass out.
“Jade... ICU!” I say.
“Jade in ICU? Is she visiting someone?”
“No dear,” my Mum says, “she’s his significant other. She’s a nurse there.” She explains.
“Oh, okay.” She says. “I’ll just buzz through and try to get her to come down shall I?” she asks.
“I’d really like for you to do that.” Mum confirms.
“Okay.” She says, leaving the room.
“Sabrina...” the Doctor begins. “I’m sorry our treatment hasn’t done more for you. The tumours have increased in size again
; you must be experiencing a great deal of pain.” He says.
“Yes
, I think it’s time to call it a day!” she replies.
“I can organise pain medications for you... are you wanting to stay home?” he says...
...but I can’t focus on anything he says from this point. My Mum has just informed me she’s ready to die, and I feel like someone’s taken my heart out, thrown it on the concrete and started to bash it with a sledgehammer.
Jade.
I run into the Oncology department and skid to a halt at the
nurse’s desk.
“Hi... I’m Jade. S
uki called me to come immediately?” I explain.
The nurse with a slight Japanese appearance looks at me and smiles. “Come through Jade.”
She shows me to a consultation room.
Ben is hyperventilating in the corner and looking like he’s about to pass out, he’s actually be
ing given oxygen. Sabrina is holding his hand and talking to the doctor.
I quickly slip in the door and
go straight to Ben’s side, crouching down.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“It’s okay Jade, he’s just in a bit of shock and was going to pass out!” Sabrina says.
I don’t know what possesse
s me to say it, but I know what is happening. “You’ve chosen to stop treatment.” I say. She nods, so I ask, “It’s worse?”
“It was always going to be terminal.” She reasons.
“Palliative treatment?” I ask.
“Yes...” the doctor begins, “We’re just going through the options of community nursing programs
, versus one of our nurses attending daily; since Sabrina wants to stay at home.” He says softly... sweetly.
I close my eyes, because what I’m about to say will probably kill Ben. I open them again, and
take his other hand; the one that Sabrina doesn’t have; and then in my other hand, I take Sabrina’s hand, so we’re kind of joined in a weird circle. I take a deep breath, look Sabrina in the eyes and hold both their hands tightly.
“Sabrina
, do you want to die at home?” I ask. Its heart breaking, it’s blunt, but it’s a question that broaches no misunderstanding.
“Yes Jade
, I want to die at home!” She sighs and smiles at me.
I just broke Ben’s heart because I can hear him gasp... I’m not ready to look at him just yet
, I just squeeze his hand.
“Sabrina
, I’ll look after you at home... I’ll help Ben look after you. I’ll go back now and tell them I’m taking the next 8 weeks off that I’m owed in holidays, and I’ll take care of you and him.” I offer.
She smiles, and a tear slips out. “I’d like that.” She says.
I don’t get to look at Ben, because I’m unable to turn in his bone crushing embrace that he has engulfed me in.
***
September is a cool month in Newcastle. The calendar will show you that it is spring. And indeed, the trees are budding; the grass is gaining length after its winter stint; and the air in the middle of the day has a blanket appeal that promises warmth in the near future... but the nights can still be cold, and the days can often remain crisp.
Sabrina’s birthday was
the Monday before she died. It was a beautiful day... 19 degrees Celsius. We sat on the front landing and threw water bombs down at the boys, for a brief while anyway; since they were meant to be tidying the hedge and cleaning up the garden as a present for Sabrina at her request, until they started ganging up on Shae and me, and it was no longer any fun. The whole thing had been Sabrina’s idea in the first place!
We ate pizza for dinner, at her request... and not the bought rubbish kind! The Benjamin Reynolds kind
, his home made kind, which begins life as flour, salt, yeast and oil, and ends up with delicious toppings on a fabulous base.
I can cook
; I’m actually not that bad. But apart from taking a little direction, as in kitchenhand assistance; I haven’t been allowed to cook since I moved in. Ben likes to.
We didn’t buy presents
, we were asked not to. We did nice things for Sabrina instead... it was an indulging day.
Shae didn’t get the memo of no presents
, but she did well. She bought a huge bunch of flowers... bright colours, a complete mixture! It must’ve cost her a bunch of money. Sabrina had her divide them up and place them on the bedside and also on her dressing table. They looked so pretty.
The Thursday she died was like every day that week. Crisp morning; a cool but nice bright day... and a happy and uncomplicated smile on her face.
It was the cyanosis that told me we were so very, very close.
The previous day she was showing some signs on her fingers and toes. Thursday came and it was travelling further towards her centre.
“Thank you Jade...” she says with difficulty.
It’s 6:00am, and her subcutaneous morphine needs to be replaced... it’s beeping at me and telling me it’s time to place the new syringe in.
“That’s okay, I’ll just get this done, and then I’ll get Ben to come in and we’ll pop you up and you can have a cuppa if you like.” I say.
She doesn’t reply, she just sighs.
I quickly sort out her morphine, and I go to our bedroom and shake Ben.
“Get up
, today’s the day!” I inform him.
“She’s gone?” he says suddenly flying out of bed.
“No
, just go and get showered, because you’ll need to say goodbye, she’s going.” I explain.
He runs out of the room
, checks on his Mum and then he’s jumping in the shower. He has plans to read a book to her all day to see her pass. It was her idea; it’s her favourite story of triumph. Earnest Hemingway
... The Old Man and the Sea.
She read it when she was a teenager, as a part of her schooling, and she always liked it.
Ben reads the short
novel from cover to cover. He’s not a fast reader, but he doesn’t stumble... he’s a solid reader. Silas sits and listens for some of it, but he’s not so good with it for long. He goes to his room after an hour.
I go in frequently and check everything. I go in and provide some mouth care
, I provide some pressure area care from time to time as well, I check her pulse... I check on Ben, and when I go in at 2:00pm and she’s no longer breathing, and she’s no longer got a pulse... and Ben’s got his face in his hands on the bed, I go to her and say goodbye.
“She’s gone.” Ben squeaks.
I nod, “I’ll
make the phone call.” I say. I go to him first though. I go to him and kneel in front of him. I take his face in my hands and I place my forehead against his and say, “I love you Benjamin Reynolds.” And then I place a soft kiss on his lips and pull him into a hug. He returns the hug so fiercely I think he’ll squish us together and make us one person.
“Do I begin to pack things up?” he
asks.
“No
, you just do whatever else you want... you can talk to her, you can leave if you need to. You do what you need to do.” I say.
“What are you going to do?” He asks.
“I’m going to go and tell Silas... then I’ll make a phone call, and then I’m going to bring a stool in and massage her hands. She always liked that.” I say.
“I’m going to wait here for you.” He says.
“Okay. You wait here.” I say.
He releases me and I stand.
When I return later, Silas is there, holding Ben... who is now standing and sighing... Silas is so sad... I’ll have to carefully watch him and his meds for a while. I don’t need him descending at a time like this. My heart’s already decomposing in my stomach, where it has dropped.
I sit there massaging Sabrina’s hands, and to make th
ings feel a little less painful; I ask Ben to tell me stuff about his Mum. I start by asking him how she told him about the birds and bees. Best question ever! By the time he finishes divulging that discussion he’s smiling, and he’s given me more things to ask him about that lift his spirits.
By the time we have company, taking in the scene of Sabrina and making their observations... we’re chuckling about stuff and enjoying the better aspects that were Sabrina’s life!
Ben.
“I know we haven’t really talked about it... I’ve just been leaving it unsaid. But are you planning on telling me soon if you’re coming with me to LA?” I ask nervously, walking in to our bedroom where she’s already lying under the covers.
“Yeah... I s’pose you need an answer.” She says.
“Um... yeah! I really kind of do.” I answer.
Jade’s been away from work for four weeks. She’s still got four weeks of holidays left. She doesn’t have a passport or visa and she’s been lacklustre in providing me with any idea what she intends to do. I’m not keen on a long distance relationship, and I’m thinking of selling the house; taking both my Mum’s and Dad’s ashes back to the US with me. I then plan on getting permission from the authorities over in Cardiff, California; to scatter their ashes in the surf off Cardiff Reef; the place where they first fell in love.
“When do you need to know by?” she asks.
“Two months ago Jade!” I say exasperatedly.
“It’s not that easy a question to answer.” She grumbles.
“How isn’t it easy? I love you, you love me, we already live with each other, I want you to continue living with me; and besides that, Silas is coming with me too; we’re family... we’ll all be there!” I argue.
“This isn’t a question about moving from Hamilton to Merewether Ben
; this is another continent! I don’t know anyone else there!” she argues back. “It takes planning and forward thinking.”
“
Who are you going to miss from here? You don’t go out and see anyone! I haven’t met any of your friends from your former life; you don’t talk to your grandparents, what is here for you?” I argue. I give her a second to respond, but all she does is give me a sarcastic look, so I continue... “I’ve been telling myself to be patient, that you’ll make the right choice, but I’ve got to tell you Jade; this indecision thing you’ve got going... it smacks of running away!” I growl.
“I am not running away Ben
; I’m being realistic... I’m not breaking up with you; I’m trying to work out a compromise.” She explains.
“
I don’t want a compromise; I’m not a compromise kind of guy. I want you, all of you.” I explain, beginning to anger.
“Well maybe I’m all for compromise
, maybe I don’t want to throw things to chance and find myself in a situation that is less than right for me.” She suddenly shouts.
“Oh my fucking God! You’re running... you’re fucking running without running!” I gasp.
“That is the most ridiculous fucking thing you’ve ever said!” she shouts back, her voice rising to almost a squeal. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“You’re waiting for me to go away, and that way you can blame me for running out on you
, when it was your design all along.” I shout, pointing at her.
“What do you fucking want from me?” she screams, “I’ve given you everything you’ve asked for... you have me living with you, you have my brother living with you
; you’re taking him to the US with you, I stopped working...” she begins; but I very, very quickly stop her there; because if she’s going where I think she is, I’m going to fucking break something.
“Don’t you fucking dare say you stopped working to help me with Mum, or I’ll fucking tear this house down and burn what’s left!” I scream. “You fucking did that for Sabrina
, on your own!” I seethe.
“I wasn’t going to say that!” She screams and jumps up
on the bed... but what can she say when anything you could say would be a watered down version of the same thing?
I am unbelievably angry
, and I don’t know how to get my message across to completely convince her that she needs to be with me.
“I want you
. I fucking want every last breathe, every sigh, every fucking moment of your time!” I scream. “I’m not doing that with a motherfucking ocean and half a world between us!” I explain heatedly.
“I’m not saying I’m not going
; I’m saying I don’t know when I’ll get there; and how I’ll divide the time between there and here and... fuck!” she screams, jumping down from the bed and standing toe to toe with me. “I haven’t figured out how to live in two places year round.” she screams.