A Reason To Stay (4 page)

CHAPTER FOUR

Regrets and Rebounds

Elise trudged to the kitchen, rubbing her puffy eyes and untwisting her nightshirt. The sweet smell of Darren’s roses welcomed her into the room. She sighed as she walked by them, regretting the evening before and what they represented. Grabbing a glass out of the cabinet, she turned on the faucet and waited for the water to get cold. It soon felt good cascading down her throat, flushing away the dryness. She stared back at the twelve buds, feeling immense shame for her actions, knowing she didn’t deserve them. Today was not going to be easy. Ignoring a situation was sometimes more difficult than facing it.

She got ready for work and picked up the bags on her way out, the ones that Darren had brought in for her. The ones that held her worldly emergency possessions. A pair of clean underwear, a small bottle of Scope, water, her wallet, a book on bettering herself (that little gem hadn’t even had the spine cracked), and her laptop. She burned off more calories toting these around than she did actually using the contents. Still, it made her feel better to have them close by at all times.

She drove to the Starbucks on her way to work, pulling into a parking spot after she saw the drive-thru line was wrapped around the building. She went in and stood, waiting her turn to order herself and Janine a cup of anything that could get her through the day. She felt a heavy stare weigh on her back and turned to see a guy three shades shy from Bradley Cooper gorgeous. He smiled a ‘come hither and get to know me’ look at her. Ordinarily, he’d be just the right amount of rebound, but Elise wasn’t there yet.

Despite the relationship issues she managed to conceal with her high heels and perfect hair, Elise looked like an ordinary catch. She turned, looking forward again. If that guy only knew what she was capable of. She could make any man’s life by tying it up in a pretty bow of good times, sweet lovemaking, and promises of nothing. And then crush him like a beetle on the wrong side of her shoe. She wondered if this problem could be solved by reading that self-help book in her bag.

Elise got her two cups of coffee and headed toward the exit. The Adonis who waited in line with looks too good to be a local handed her a card as she walked past him. “I believe you dropped this,” he said, with undressing eyes and a sultry voice to match.

She took it, seeing his name and number scrawled on it. “You better keep hold of this, honey. I’m nothing but trouble.” She laughed slightly and handed it back to him.

~*~

“Janine, I got you a cup of coffee. I’m afraid you’re going to need it today.”

Janine looked up from the floor where she was picking up a mess of dropped folders. Elise set the cup down and walked to her office, giving no time for her assistant’s reply. There was no time for idle talk. A swarm of personal issues had followed her into the office, compliments of her last evening. If only she had prioritized the breakup better, she wouldn’t have to lug around the extra baggage of commitment with Darren. Although her ring finger remained naked, the noose of guilt and uncertainty around her neck was becoming unbearably tight.

She worked hard that day, trying to do some of the next week’s work in the span of the two days she had left. Janine was indispensable as always, fielding calls, bringing in lunch, and staying in step with her boss’s requests. Elise checked her phone several times, waiting to see something from Darren. But a blank screen always met her eyes. Maybe he knew nothing would change for them and he would slowly fade away. She tried not to dwell on it, though she would have had better luck stopping the sun from going down.

Her last email was sent and she clicked the off button on her computer shortly after five o’clock. She wanted to get to the mall and purchase something for her niece and nephew back home. And of course her sister and mother. Gifts might take the edge off of being gone too long.

The mall was buzzing with people that evening. She walked, slouched over from her tiredness, up and down the marble floors. Her feet were screaming for the ottoman in front of her favorite chair. The heavy bag she carried had dropped from her shoulder to the lazy fingers that now barely kept a grip on it. She stood in front of the mall directory, plastered behind the large glass, looking for a toy store. There was only one and it was on the lower level, on the other side of the fashion metropolis. She took in a heavy breath and pounded the floors until she got there.

She didn’t know her sister’s children like she should. When they visited a year ago, they were three and five years old. Anything new fascinated them. She made it to the busy little toy shop and settled on a tiny remote control helicopter for Mason, and a stuffed puppy dressed like a baby for Faith. She stopped at Macy’s and grabbed a bottle of lotion for her mother and a new blouse for her sister. They didn’t share the same fashion sense, so it was going to be easy for Elise to part with the pale pink blouse that was stuffed in the bottom of the shopping bag.

As she walked past the food court, the menagerie of smells beckoned her. She got a steak sub and fries to go and inhaled it on the way home. As she pulled in her driveway, memories of the night before replayed in her head. She felt bad about how it ended with Darren. Did it end? She still wasn’t sure. Meditating on the moment and the precise dialogue exchange was giving her a headache. She did say she needed time, right? All she knew was he hadn’t called and she sure as crap wasn’t going to walk into that wasp’s nest again by calling him.
Leave it alone, Elise
.

After she sat her bags on the porch, she twisted the knob of her outside spigot. One of the sharp edges of the cactus plant caught her forearm as she did. She rubbed it rigorously and felt penance for her behavior of the last couple of days. As soon as the water came pouring out, childhood memories of drinking from the hose made her smile. The taste of rubber as it poured into her mouth was as clear as day. The recollection of her mother’s shouts to turn the water off and get inside for dinner stopped the walk down memory lane.

When all her flowers were sufficiently watered, Elise carried her packages inside and packed for her trip. Noise from the television helped to drown out the sound of loneliness in her house. She wondered how her mother coped with such emptiness all the time. She placed her packed bags by the door and took a shower, falling asleep quickly after and dreaming of Kentucky. Ben laughing with her, tickling her in the hay loft, and kissing her for the last time. She must have placed him in her subconscious the day before, without even realizing it.

Thursday morning arrived as planned. The sun came up and Elise had managed to survive two days without breaking down and calling Darren.
Maybe it was over
. The four little words brought about a feeling of despair inside her. She felt the distress over it was deepening the lines on her face. The ones she saw around her eyes when she looked in the mirror this morning. Wasn’t she too young for wrinkles?

Wasn’t that the goal? To be over? Why then was the refresh button on her phone worn from over-usage? Why was the ice cream still in the freezer and not bloating her stomach from over indulging? Why hadn’t he called? After going from mental rounds of cursing him for not caring, to rounds of emotional break-downs, she labeled it ‘finished’ and pressed through the tears that wanted to show themselves in the reflection of her mirror. Why did mirrors make it so easy to cry? Pity parties worked best when you could see yourself. Because you knew what was really going through your mind.

She’d wait and have a drink that night. She didn’t want to come home from Kentucky without having dealt with the mourning process. After a good drunkenness, it’d officially be finished. Then, if anything happened to her medically, she’d make sure and tell the paramedics to take her to the hospital in the next city. There would be no way she’d run into Darren, then. With just a few alterations of traveling to a different grocery store and avoiding downtown for about a year, she’d never run into him. At least that’s what she was hoping. In her mind, she had to kill him off this way.

After what she told herself was the last thought of Darren Masterson, Elise dressed to kill for the day ahead. A new look for the new her. She smoothed on a baby blue skirt suit with a silk blouse and pulled her hair back. Her tanned legs glistened from the shimmery lotion she had slathered on them. The high heels she stepped into completed the ensemble. Starbucks, here she came. Rebound guy, please be there. Well, maybe next week. Although, it was easy to plaster on happiness, it was another thing to wear it believably. Finally, she was ready for the world. Or so she thought.

Feeling slightly less disheveled than the previous day, Elise approached Janine’s desk. Her assistant’s eyes quickly averted, getting lost in the piles of paper on her organized desk. She covered her mouth and Elise could have sworn she had seen a mischievous smile creep somewhere underneath it.

“Good morning, Janine. Is everything all right?”

Her mousy secretary had never done anything more out of the ordinary before. Other than the time she loaded the stapler with purple staples last spring, a complete mark of rebellion against the office manager who rubbed her the wrong way. After the trial pack of fifty was used, they went back to using steel gray. Janine never liked to stray far from the normal too often.

“Yes, ma’am. Everything’s fine.”

Elise scrunched her eyes, wary of trying to figure out Janine. She opened her office door and gasped when she saw Darren standing at the window. He turned around, holding a single Calla Lilly. Dark edging circled his puppy dog eyes and torment sat deep inside his pupils. Elise set her bags down and shut the door, using the few seconds to come up with a defensive plan. Could she withstand a face-to-face this early in the breakup? Didn’t they break up?

“Darren, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” She kept her distance. She didn’t want to fall back from the two steps she had already conquered of their great divide.

He didn’t hold back. He rushed to her and pressed her close, letting out a breath that may have been pent up since the night he left her house. She rubbed his back, closing her eyes tightly. The silence was too loud. The air too heavy to breathe, brought on by the extra torment he brought with him.

She backed up, trying her best to avoid oppressive eye contact. “What are you doing here?” Her tone was sugary yet direct. She forced herself to straighten, hoping to camouflage her need to be held. What had he been doing for the last two days?

“I haven’t slept. I haven’t been able to focus on my patients. I miss you, Elise.” His words rushed out like one long, multi-syllabled word. He handed her the flower of peace.

She smelled it and placed it on her desk. “I’ve missed you.” Honesty had accidently leaked out.
Be careful not to say anything to incriminate yourself.
Two days’ stride of breakup is hard to do over. “I’m sorry you haven’t slept.”

“Have you?” His eyes shown on her like two spotlights, similar to the kind detectives used to squeeze out answers from their suspects.

Don’t admit weakness.
Move on, Elise. This has to end sometime. You’ve made progress. Don’t trip. The bottle of booze is waiting for you tonight. One more day and it’s over.

“I’ve missed you,” she said, almost too quietly to be heard.

Didn’t she just say that? What in the hell did she pay Janine for, anyway? Couldn’t she have slipped her a note, told her in sign language or something that Darren waited in her office? She could’ve run in the other direction. Now she was caught. What was the probability a S.W.A.T. team would break down the door by accident and give her just enough time to maneuver out of this moment?

“It’s enough for me, Elise. A single toothbrush at my house, and that’s all.” He stepped closer, taking her hand into his. “It’s enough to have you in
any
capacity of my life. I just can’t live without you.” True love dripped from his lips as he declared his unconditional devotion to her.

This was one response she was not equipped to handle. Would it be too much to ask to go to the restroom at that moment? Just enough time to regroup, scream into the toilet paper roll, then splash some water on her face? She had nothing. No one had ever given in to her terms before.

Who was this man? This tall, dark, and handsome man who was willing to put her needs before his? Could he be the one she
could
see herself spending the rest of her life with? The thought snuck into her brain like a stealth-guided missile. Quiet and undetected, until she heard it in her mind. Her deflector shield had been penetrated. She needed to hold on to her independence. Torn and tattered, it had to support her.

“Darren, you deserve more than that.” The response came out of her body from somewhere she couldn’t explain. But it sounded good.

“I want
you
, Elise.” He squeezed her hands as he professed it. “In any which way you come. Who knows, I might just get lucky and you give in to the notion you could settle down with me somewhere in the future. Some women in the past
have
found me irresistible, you know?” He batted his sad eyes at her.

She pulled away and retreated behind her desk. Perhaps solid pieces of matter could put a divide where her words could not. “Darren, you
are
irresistible. Any normal girl would be lucky to have you. I’m just not normal. I have a genetic flaw. I was born without a commitment gene. It has nothing to do with you. Please understand that. Futures, dreams, and plans don’t exist in my world. I have an expiration date. And you see, you’ve got preconceived ideas. Ideas that I’d change and settle. It would never work. You’ll always want more. And you deserve more. You deserve a girl who is ready to settle.” She paced back and forth behind her swivel chair, talking with fluent hand gestures.

He walked to her, invading her space and taking her by the shoulders. “Elise, I choose you, however you are. With whatever you need. Now, stop trying to fight me and let’s erase the other night.” His eyes pierced her with determination. “I have to go because I’m in deep shit for being late to work. But I am going to pick you up for dinner. We can finish this discussion then.”