Rule One was history. How stupid. I could no more turn away from emotional involvement than a moth could resist a flame. I had Claire to thank for that, or was it Tom? The only problem with loving someone was in knowing there’d be an end, but it was
my
problem, not Lane’s. It was a price I’d have to pay, part of my hateful existence, if I wanted to experience total
human
love. Did I have a choice?
We slowly gathered our clothes and emotions before returning to the real world, he for his reasons, I for mine, but we both agreed that we needed to swing by Dillard’s and bring Faith aboard on the day’s happenings. Particularly important was Kojak’s appearances, twice at the church and once outside Lane’s castle. His next visit might well be her home, and he might not be alone this time. Would she guess about the rest of it, about how we’d spent the past three hours? Knowing her, she probably would, especially if he’d previously mentioned his intentions to her in the slightest way. Nothing much got by her.
We held a three-person powwow right there in her shoe department, about Max in general and me in particular. She and Lane agreed I’d be safer spending the night at some random motel, but I couldn’t imagine spending my last night alone, separated from her. When they both realized I wasn’t going to bend, they agreed I could stay at the place I called home
only
if Lane and Bear came, too, and
only
if Shae spent the night at her aunt’s house, where she’d be safe.
Lane set up the Shae part right there, reaching Aunt Christie on her cell phone before we headed back to the castle to pick up Teddy Bear and a few essentials such as a dozen clean drool towels and Lane’s overnight kit. Bear rode in back of the pickup without a leash or safety tie, but he stayed down the whole way. Most dogs wouldn’t be that well-behaved, Lane explained, but Bear was different. He didn’t
need
to stand up, because his head was already a foot above the pickup bed just lying there.
He was different in another way, as well. Five minutes from Faith’s house, Lane pulled off the road and got out, grabbing a gray bag behind his seat. Tattered and stained, it had seen better days, but inside were four red “shoes” Bear wore on hikes. Since Faith had a thing for shoes, Lane hoped these would help her overlook his little drooling problem.
Bear obviously liked them, too, because he lifted each of his paws so Lane could fasten them on. When the last one was in place, Lane grinned at me, then went sober, looking closer at my face than before.
“You all right?”
“This is so hard. I’ve never had so much to lose before.” I sagged against the truck.
“I’m done pretending, Sydney.” He stared off into space.
“Pretending what?”
“That I don’t know what’s going on.”
“What exactly do you think is going on?” I straightened.
“You reek of goodbye, that’s what. Your tears, the way you keep looking at me, all those promises, even the way you made love. This has something to do with Dr. Chen, right? You have no intention of showing up in his office tomorrow, do you? You’re going to slip away and disappear. Maybe leave a note behind, something that says it’s not you, it’s me. Is this the reason your bald-headed boyfriend is sniffing around? Is he somehow behind it? How else would he know who I am? Or where you were going to be today?”
Even Bear was looking at me accusingly.
“Wrong!” I shouted. “Wrong, wrong, wrong! You don’t understand, Lane. The
last
thing I want to do is leave. I love you. I’ll always love you. I despise that… that
thing
you call a boyfriend. Besides, he threatened me and Faith. For all I know, he’d threaten Shae, too. And Steven.”
“Then stop whatever it is you’re planning to do. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Things are going to change tomorrow,
that’s
what’s going on. I’m going to change before your very eyes. You’ll see a different person. Oh, I’ll look the same, but you’ll know there’s a difference.”
“Why? Because you’re going to talk to some shrink?”
“Yes… no… oh, I don’t know how to explain it. I just know it’s time, sort of like how a snake knows when it’s time to shed its skin.”
“Snake? You’re not making any sense. You’re making light of something you can’t explain, and yet this
change
is literally breaking your heart in two. What does going to Dr. Chen have to do with any of it?”
“Just that it solidified a date and time.” I looked away.
* * *
When I saw Steven and Faith waiting outside for us, I realized I’d never be ready to say goodbye. I practically knocked Faith over when I hugged her.
“Don’t worry, honey, this Kojak mess will all blow over.” She stroked my hair. “I’ve decided to register a complaint with the Tucson police. Kojak’s from Tucson, and I work there. We’ll soon have a court restraining order, and it’ll be over in no time. You do know his last name, don’t you?”
I shook my head. What could a restraining order possibly do to someone who couldn’t care less about laws? I pulled her closer so only she could hear my whispers. “Faith, after tomorrow do
not
trust me. Make me earn your love all over again. Convince Lane he needs to do the same. Do you hear me? Do you understand?”
She didn’t at first, but finally mumbled consent. I was facing Steven, so I knew by his expression the exact moment Teddy Bear made his grand entrance.
“Don’t anyone move a muscle,” he warned as he slowly maneuvered his body in front of Faith and me in a very gallant gesture. Actually, he was about to wet himself.
“Oh, Steven, you can be
such
a boob at times!” Faith said, pushing him aside. “Vicious dogs don’t wear red shoes! Honestly, for a doctor, you’re not very observant.”
“What color do the vicious ones wear?” would have been my response, but Steven held his tongue, smiling in his indescribable way.
Faith took Bear’s massive head in her hands, drool and all, and spoke to him like he was human. “Pay no attention to that mean old man, Mr. Bear. Our house is
your
house, so you go on inside and make yourself comfortable.”
Once inside, Bear waited to see where I would sit before planting himself like a sentry at my feet, red shoes and all. Meanwhile, Faith fussed over the engagement ring. “Lane, it’s simply lovely,” she gushed. Her whispered message to me was a different story. “You’d better plaster on a smile real fast or he’ll think you don’t
want
to marry him.”
The next half hour was torture. Faith insisted I thumb through old bridal magazines while she sat me in front of her bedroom mirror and messed with my hair, trying to decide how I should wear it on my wedding day. All I could see in the mirror was Sydney—Sydney putting on her makeup, Sydney laying out her wedding dress, Sydney walking down the aisle, Sydney taking her wedding vows. I wanted to smash the damn mirror! Thankfully, Bear was lying at my feet, and I was doing towel duty every so often. It broke the tension a little, but things got suddenly worse when Lane stuck his head through the door. “Shae should be calling any minute. Do you want to answer the phone when she does? I’ll bring it in here if you do.”
“I… I… don’t think I can. Not without scaring her.” I couldn’t risk that.
“You know she’ll want to talk to you about her speech today.” Lane kept his voice neutral.
“I know, but—”
The phone rang at that very instant. I was up, out of my chair, and heading for the guest room before the second ring. Bear lumbered behind me, curling up as soon as I shut the door and pressed my ear against it. Lane’s voice came through as though the door was made of paper. Maybe he was talking louder than usual for my benefit?
He started by telling Shae how proud we were, watching and listening to her, then some talk about me being in my room, and after that a pause.
“Yes, I’m sure… why, Shae? What are you up to?”
I visualized her carefully explaining something or other as only she could. It was apparently taking some time, because Lane was quiet. By then I was sure Faith and Steven were gathered nearby. I listened closer, straining to hear anything at all.
“Wait… back up. Were those Father Gabe’s exact words?” Suddenly Lane was practically shouting.
Was he upset or just excited?
“I know you’re all pumped up, Shae, but this is very important. I need you to remember everything, so start at the very beginning, from right after your show and share, and try not to leave anything out this time.” And then he dropped his voice, almost whispering while he continued talking with her.
Then he hung up.
“What is it Lane?” It was Faith. “What’s going on?”
“Father Gabe thinks that…” He paused, then repeated the words much more softly. They thought I was listening. He didn’t want me to hear! By then my ear was welded to the door. This had nothing to do with Kojak and everything to do with me. I decided to risk opening the door oh, so carefully, pausing to see if the squeak gave me away. Nope, they were still whispering. I tiptoed down the hall and peeked around the corner, with Bear right behind me. He wasn’t that quiet, but they’d all moved into the kitchen so it really didn’t matter. I inched close enough to hear Lane say the word “angel” loud and clear.
“Angel?” Faith echoed. “Is
that
what he said?” She seemed startled.
“Yes. He wasn’t positive, of course, but he said that’s because he’s never encountered one before. He’ll start checking with some Catholic academics on it tomorrow.”
I sagged against the wall. Shae’s embarrassing speech was one thing. A priest discussing me in the same breath with the term “angel” was entirely different. I was no angel, far from it. I was a terrible mistake, possibly even evil, like some ghoul who’d rob graves and devour carcasses, and now they’d all be looking at me like I was some sort of… specimen, maybe in a cage. I could hear the carnival barker, drumming up business outside the darkened tent: “Hur-ree, hurr-ree, hurr-ree!
She
walks,
she
talks,
she
crawls on her belly like a reppp-tahl! Step inside, folks, and have a look, but be real careful and stay back out of reach!”
Weren’t my problems complicated enough already? In the first place, I was
anything but
what Father Gabe could be thinking! My whole existence was someone’s idea of a joke. I’d always said it was God’s humor, but that was so I wouldn’t have to think in the opposite direction. Satanic humor? It was definitely closer to that. There was no way to justify taking over another person’s life, someone else’s body, not even for a minute. Catalyst was a nice term, and maybe it had seemed more reasonable when my host had been Claire, but Sydney was far from Claire, and Lane wasn’t Tom, and I’d gone and broken Rule One and fallen in love. Why couldn’t I have just toughed it out and seen the assignment through until I was sent to my next destination?
Assignment? Even that was a mistake. These weren’t assignments; these were sentences, punishments for something evil I must have done. I was nothing but a parasite, a selfish, self-centered parasite, wearing an engagement ring I didn’t deserve, dragging Lane further and further into my personal hell along with Shae and Faith and Steven and… and Bear. I’d even managed to put them all in real danger, thanks to Kojak’s threats.
Sydney was my personal enemy. She knew how to reach me, she’d proven it, but she hadn’t changed one little bit. If anything, she’d gotten worse, more revengeful, more hateful. She was laughing, of course. She
knew
I had no way out, knew I’d be forced to protect her along with myself. I was trapped by my own rules. She could just sit in there and jab where it hurt most.
Trapped by your own rules? Then maybe it’s time to shift gears, open the curtain. You
must
let them all know what’s happening, even if you don’t know
what
you are or why. Love is more than thinking about yourself, or your emotions, or physical reactions. It’s doing what is right, even if it hurts. They’ll be surprised, even mystified. They won’t accept it, and you can’t blame them for that. You wouldn’t accept it, either, if you had any choice.
Just brace yourself and tell them! It’s over. You’re no angel. You’re nothing but a common thief, and there isn’t one thing you can do about it! Prepare them. Put them on their guard. Do something right for a change.
I managed to get back to the guest room before anyone discovered me, but the tears arrived before I got there. Naturally, the door didn’t squeak this time, but I had to re-open it to let Bear back in. Even
he
was being tricked. He thought I was a real person, too, tears and all.
* * *
Just when I couldn’t stand another second alone with my thoughts, Faith knocked.
“Dinner’s ready, Syd…” She’d chopped the name short. Oh, that was great, just great! That meant Lane had filled her and Steven in on the name bit. What else had he told them? My cheeks were suddenly burning, but I made a detour into the bathroom on the way and dashed some cold water on my face. That would at least get me to the table looking reasonable. On the other hand, dinner promised to be a nightmare. They’d undoubtedly team up on me and demand answers, and this time they’d get the answer none of them expected.