Alluring Turmoil (30 page)

Jude

“What?! No, I never! I didn’t… That’s why you left me? You thought… I didn’t… Lexi, that wasn’t…”

I can’t complete a sentence. I can’t even breathe.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Jessie speaks up. “Wait a minute, Lexi! Jude didn’t cheat on you. That night, he wasn’t in that room. I was! We didn’t have our own rooms. Dade and I shared a room, and well, he was in ours. Jude got drunk at the party really early. He was so upset that you weren’t there.
You
ended things with him before he left because you didn’t want to come with him… with us to L.A. He was fucking devastated! He got wasted and passed out. We dragged him into Liam and Cruz’s room and he slept it off. He was there all night. Alone. If you walked into his room that night, you saw
me
having sex, not him. He wouldn’t have done that to you! He didn’t even
talk
to anyone that night. Fuck, Lexi, for
SIX
months he wouldn’t touch anyone after you left him! All he did was drink and act like an asshole!”

I look up and see Lexi, staring at Jessie. What little color was left in her face drains out. “That was
you
? Not him? Oh God… Oh God.”

She looks at me, and she looks so frail. So broken. My heart clenches, but what the hell? How could she not trust me? How could she think I would do that to her?

Erik says, “Ok, what about Clove? What about the woman you have living with you in California, Jude?”

My head whips around at Erik. “What? How did you know about that? How do you even know who Clove is, Lexi?” I look back at her. Her lip is quivering.

Dade says at the same time I start talking, “Clove? What the hell does my sister have to do with anything?”

Erik turns his head to Dade. “Sister? Clove is your sister?”

Lexi sits up, “Your sister? Jude lives with your
sister
?”

I’m so confused.

“Yes, Clove is his sister. How do you know she lives in my house?”

“I went there. Yesterday. I went to your house. I… I saw her. She’s beautiful.” Lexi is staring at the floor.

“You went to my house? In Los Angeles? Yesterday? Wait, you’re the woman who came to the door? She said you were a fan looking for me. That was… that was
you
? Why the hell did you leave, Lexi?”

“Why would I stay with you and your live in girlfriend, Jude? How can you be so cruel? God this hurts…” My head is reeling. Wait… what did she just say? She thinks that Clove and I, that we… she thinks I’m
with
Clove while I’m with her??

“Clove is
not
and
never
has been, my girlfriend. She’s in culinary school and trying to be an actress and since she’s Dade’s little sister, I let her live in my house. She
was
dating the guy who managed my house. She lives in my house, in her own wing. Shit, I’m never even there! We have
never
been involved.”

Dade adds, “No way would he mess with my little sister. No way in hell!”

Erik looks at me with compassion and apology in his eyes, but I’m so pissed. Fuck this! Fuck them! Lexi said she loved me, but this is how she shows me? Not once, but
twice
she’s left me, because she didn’t trust me… didn’t believe in us.

Erik opens his mouth to say something to me, but I throw my hand up to cut him off. I can’t deal with this. I explode. I can’t help it. I can’t even see straight through the pain, the betrayal, and the rage. “This is you loving me, Lexi?
THIS?
Eight years ago you left me! You broke my fucking heart! You broke
ME
! And for what? For what? Because you didn’t trust me! You didn’t believe in my love for you. I would
NEVER
do that to you. I would
NEVER
cheat on you! You were, and are, everything to me. Then and now… but it’s not enough! I’m not enough!
Why the fuck am I not enough for you?
You left me,
twice
, because you thought I’d betrayed you. But you know what,
fuck that
. Fuck you! I never betrayed you.
Never!
I don’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve it eight years ago and I don’t deserve it now! If this is how you ‘
love
’, fuck you!
I’m done!
We’re done!
”

I can’t be in here. I have to go. The need to hurt someone is too strong.

FUCK!!!

I can’t do this anymore. She can’t do this to me anymore… I’m done…

So long Louisiana. There’s nothing left for me here.

I walk out the door. Start my bike, and fly down the road.

I’m gone
…

Lexi

I
t’s been four days since Jude stormed out of the shop.

Four days since Dade explained to me that Clove’s boyfriend, Jude’s property manager, took a seventeen year old fan into his home and had sex with her in his bed, where Clove walked in and found them. The girl’s parents wanted to sue Jude because of her age and because it happened in his home, but Jude’s lawyer had the case thrown out.
That’s
what he didn’t want to bother me with…

Four days in my own personal hell.

Four days since Erik scooped me up off of the floor in the middle of our place of business and brought me home.

Four days of wondering what the hell I’ve done…

Jude was right. I was quick to believe the worst of him, but I never even tried to talk to him. This is my fault. My heart is broken and he hates me and it’s all my fault. Bradi has stopped by a few times and Erik is running the shop, but I haven’t left my bedroom. I can’t. Why? What’s the point?

I pushed away the only man I’ve ever loved. I beat him down with my distrust, I killed his love for me, and he left me… this time, he really left me. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.

His box of things is in the corner of my room. Erik dropped it in here three days ago.

I haven’t showered since that night. I haven’t even really gotten out of bed. I know Bradi and Erik are worried about me, but I just can’t seem to force myself to care. I’m pretty sure I’m disgusting.

I crawl over to the box and drop to the floor. I pull everything out. Unconsciously, I uncap the shampoo and smell it. I love this smell. Next, I open the body wash. This is my favorite scent. It smells like heaven. It smells like Jude.

His clothes are next in the box and I snuggle into one of his shirts, breathing deeply. The scent brings tears to my eyes. At the bottom of the box is the note he left for me seven weeks ago, the keys to his house and car, and my necklace. I open the box and take out the necklace, just looking at it. How could I have ever doubted his love for me when he gave me
this
?

Last, I open the note and read it. I’ve read it so many times, but I read it this time and take every word into my soul.

Then, with newfound determination and a plan, I head into the bathroom.

Two hours later, I’m dressed and wearing my necklace again as I pull up at the shop. As I walk in, Erik looks up and shock registers on his face. I wave and head to my office to stow my purse.

As expected, he follows me back. “Hey, love. Um, you ok? What are you doing here?”

I hug him. “I’m good. Time to get out of this self-pity bubble. I have things to do and a business to run. Oh, and I’m getting the man of my dreams back too.”

He looks at me and smiles. “Thank God! There’s my girl. Oh thank God. So, what’s your plan?” I fill him in and he likes it.

We pull out the calendar and I show him the days I’ll be gone.

He laughs and kisses me before heading back out front. As he’s walking out the door, he looks over his shoulder and growls, “Go get your man, Tiger!”

I laugh. This feels good.

I work a bit more and catch up on a few things I’ve fallen behind on in my depression.

At five, Bradi pops into my kitchen. “So, you’re alive. And dressed. And you smell a shit ton better too!”

I laugh and jump around the counter to hug her. “I am. I am. And I know. How could you let me do that to myself?”

“Hey bitch, I did everything I could to bring you out of it besides jump on top of you naked! But I didn’t figure that would warrant much response so I passed. You’re sexy and all, but I like the dick, you know!”

I burst out laughing. “Um, yeah. Thanks for restraining yourself. So, I have a plan and I need your help!”

She leans in with excited eyes. “Give it to me, Baby!”

We make plans to proceed with the next step tomorrow night. She grabs my phone and texts herself what she needs, saying she’ll take care of it. Then she gets serious. “Have you heard from him?”

“No. But I didn’t think I would. He was pretty firm. He’s done. So, I have to change his mind!”

“You’re going to call him, right?” Bradi asks me as she flips her hair off of her shoulder.

“I am. In fact, it’s about the time to do it now. I told you. I have a plan.”

“Well ok. So, want to eat with me tonight? I’m solo. Micah has some top secret dinner thing.”

“Yeah, I’ll be your date!”

We watch movies at my house, order Chinese, drink a bottle of wine, and I go over every step of the plan with her! The next day, she meets me right at closing and we head to my appointment.

“You sure you want to do this? You don’t have to. I’m sure he’d still take you back without it, you know! He loves you. You just really hurt him. Hell, we all did.” She squeezes my arm and looks sad.

“I know. Yes, I want to. And I’m going to make it up to him. I’m going to make it up to him for the rest of my life!”

Six hours later…. we’re done. I’m sore as hell, but it’s done.

I call Jude when I know he can’t answer and I leave him a voicemail. It simply says: “I’m sorry.”

One week later, I’m on yet another plane, but this time I’m heading to Nevada. Jude is there and I’m determined to see him and make it right!

I’ve texted and called Jude once every day since my “I’m sorry” message a week ago, but I’ve made sure it would go to his voicemail or he’d get it when he was performing. Talking to him is not in the plan. However, every day I secretly hope that today will be the day he calls or texts me back.

I land at Reno–Tahoe International Airport, grab my bags, and head to get my car. The rental desk tells me it’s about an hour and a half to my destination.

Two hours later, it’s just after 4PM and I’m checking into my hotel. The same hotel that the band is checked into for the next three nights. It took a lot of begging and convincing, but Jessie gave me this information and he’s promised to stay quiet about my coming here.

I pick up my phone and text Jude.

“Lexi

I can never explain to you how truly sorry I am for not trusting you.

For not believing in you. In us.

But I’d like it if you’d allow me to try…”

I wait. No response. But I really don’t expect one. That’s ok. Tonight it’s all coming to a head. One way or the other…

Jude

We’re in Lake Tahoe. It’s week eight of this ten week tour and I’m miserable.

I miss Lexi. She hurt me so badly, but I miss her.

I love her.

The guys are fed up with me. Shit, I’m fed up with me. I’m making everyone miserable, but I just can’t call her.

About a week ago she started calling and texting me again. She makes sure to reach out to me once each day. But it seems as if she waits to do it when she knows she won’t get me. I haven’t responded, but after each voicemail or text it gets a little harder to convince myself not to just pick up the phone.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s probably one of the guys, since we’re heading down to the casino bar in a bit.

It’s not one of the guys…

It’s Lexi.

I stare at the phone for a long time, before I sigh and put it back in my pocket.

I’m not ready yet.