Authors: Mathew Rodrick
“Dude! What the hell is going on?”
“Look man, I am not OK with what just happened.”
“OK.”
“I mean, that is something that I cannot have happen again, I am not like you.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean you are not like me?”
“You are a little feminine, kind of slight in appearance, so for you to be a
fag is OK, but I am not a fag, I am a real man.”
“You’re calling me a fag?”
“Well you did have a cock in your mouth earlier today.”
“So did you, asshole. Just because you are more muscular doesn’t mean you can’t
be a fag. Maybe the reason you are having such trouble with this is the fact
that you are in fact a fag.”
“Fuck you dude!”
“Right back at you!”
Things between Jaden and I became
quite heated, this was not the first time we had a fight, not by a long
shot. Jaden and I were good buddies but over the years we had some pretty
big fights. Jaden picked up his bag and stormed out of the gym. For
him to not take a shower meant that he was quite pissed off.
Jaden was a person who always prided
himself on his appearance, the majority of his existence was making sure that
everything in his life was perfect. He would always buy the best of
clothes, the best of furniture, have the best gadgets etc. Jaden was
obsessed with keeping up with the Jones’s, which may be why this new part of himself
disturbed his whole world.
Jaden and I had been friends for
quite some time. We met in public school and went through the
school system together. I guess you could say we were best friends as we
did pretty much everything together. We played little league together, we
were in the boy scouts together, our families hung out together as kids and we
eventually went to the same university. So we were always together.
I hated to fight with Jaden because he was so pig headed I was always the one
who had to come back and apologize or else it would not happen. This time
however I was unsure if an apology would be enough. Also, I didn’t feel I
should have to apologize. He initiated the whole thing, he wanted it to
happen and honestly so did I.
What didn’t make sense to me is that
I knew I was not gay. So I sucked a guy’s dick, that doesn’t mean I am
gay. I still liked chicks. I didn’t think of Jaden as being gay
either, he was an asshole, but he was not gay. What the hell was I going
to do now though, Jay was my best buddy, I honestly didn’t do a lot outside of
him.
Well, I guess I would just have to go through my days without him
now. I am a big boy, I can handle it.
I had to take a cab home
because Jaden was my ride and he just left, god damned asshole.
I went back to my apartment to look
again at the want ads online, Jaden and I were supposed to do this together,
but that was not going to happen now. I poured over the ads looking at
the same boring jobs that were always advertised. Call center, customer
service, general laborer all the jobs nobody wants. I was not an idiot, I
did graduate university, but I graduated with a Liberal Arts degree. That
degree is not worth the paper it is written on, unless I want to go back to school
for MORE education. I was ready to make money, I wanted to be out in the
workforce making the big bucks. I was quickly learning however, that
could not just jump into a managerial position. The search for a job was
depressing at the best of times.
Wait, what is this. Why
didn’t I think of this before? Make your own hours, be your own boss,
become a personal trainer. Certificate courses starting all the time,
call now.
That is the greatest idea ever, I
love to work out, why
shouldn’t I
become a personal
trainer. I immediately picked up my phone and called the line. I
spoke with the representative and though the course was expensive, it started
the next day and went for only 5 days. After that I could go to my gym or
any other countless number of gym’s and apply for a job.
There is something to be said for
hope. Hope has a way of motivating you, empowering you and getting you to
the next stage of life. Now I had hope, I was excited willing and able to
get started. It was also nice to keep my thoughts off of Jaden even if
for a short while. I prepared myself for the next day, getting my
clothing in order and a book with a few pens to write notes. I spent the
remainder of the day walking my dog outside and going to dinner with an old
friend. Her name is Kate and she had been there through some of my
toughest moments. I loved Kate, she was the best.
I really wanted to talk to Kate
about what was going on, but I was having a hard time thinking about how I
could bring it up.
“Kate? I have something to talk to
you about.”
“What is it James?”
Kate was a heavier girl, with a pure
soul, she had never asked or demanded anything from me and helped me out on
more than one occasion. She had become my friend in first
year
University, we met in Psych class. Jaden, Kate
and I were all inseparable throughout University. Kate was a simple girl,
who could never seem to find the right guy and I wished there was some way I
could help her, she just seemed a little helpless in that department.
“Well, what I have to say to you is
quite embarrassing and totally, super confidential.”
“James, you know you can trust me. Any secret you have will always be
kept in the strictest confidence.”
“OK, What if I told you that there is a good friend of mine that I am very
attracted to, only it seems that what I want to do is wrong. I fear that
doing anything about it may destroy a friendship.”
“Who is it James?”
“I can’t tell you, you are very close with that person as well.”
“OK, well have you spoken with this person about your feelings?’
“No, not really. I can’t, it would be too hard. I am scared of the
loss.”
Kate reached across the table and
grabbed my hand, “Listen James, you have to live your life with the honesty
that I know you expect. If you don’t express your feelings, you will live
your life in regret. Your feeling are important to you and if they felt
the same way as I feel about you they will surely return your love.”
“I wish it was that simple Kate, this situation is very complicated.”
“Aren’t they all James?”
I reached across the table and put my hand over Kate’s. “I guess you are right
Kate, you are a great friend.”
Just then Kate leaned across the
table and closed her eyes. She puckered her lips and was coming in for a
kiss. Shocked, I realized, she thought I was talking about her. To
fend off her possible embarrassment and feelings of hurt, I gave her my cheek
to kiss and released my grip on her hands. She opened her eyes
disappointed. I never knew she felt this way about me, life was becoming
too complicated too fast.
“James, your feelings for me are
natural, don’t be frightened by them, let’s give in to our desires. I
have felt like this about you since the first time I met you. There was a
dagger in my heart every time I had to watch you date other people in
university. I spent a lot of lonely nights worrying, wondering why you
didn’t notice me or why you didn’t want me. Now it seems it has all sorted
itself out. I love you James Corbin, I truly do.”
I sat silently in shock. What
a bizarre turn of events, here I am talking about falling in love with my best
friend and she thinks it is her. Now I am going to have to tell her it is
not her and still not have a resolution to the whole Jaden problem.
This is all too much.
“Well? Say something James!”
“Kate, I am sorry, I must have misled you. This is not about you.”
“Oh…..uh well, who it is about?”
The silence between us was maddening.
“James, you can tell me, don’t be afraid.”
So I blurted it out. “I think I am gay and I am falling in love with
Jaden.”
Kate physically fell back in her
chair, causing it to lift off the ground and come back down with a loud thump.
All of the restaurant patrons looked over. I was embarrassed as was she,
but soon enough people returned to their conversations.
“JAMES!” She said in a loud whisper.
“What are you talking about?”
“Just that Kate, something happened between us and I want more, but Jaden
doesn’t want to speak to me anymore.”
“Because of what happened?”
“Yes.”
“That is a tough one, and something I never expected. Listen James, I am
going to need some time with all of this, this is a lot to take in. I
know I am not being a very good friend right now and I am very embarrassed, I
am going to go.
“No, no, please don’t go.”
There was no point to continuing
that conversation, she was already packing all of her things and halfway out of
her chair. Now I had gone from having 2 great friends to 0 in one
afternoon. Good god, what has become of my life?
*
*
*
I woke up the next day with my head spinning of the events that had just
transpired in my life. Pushing those thoughts aside, I focused on the
excitement I felt about finding the job of my dreams. I imagined the
possibilities of me working in a gym all day and charging people to train
them. Truly it was a dream job and I was hopeful I would be able to pass
the course. I drove over to the training center and walked inside.
As I was registering for the course, there he was. It was Jaden, Jaden
had signed up for the class.
Of course he signed up for the class, why
wouldn’t he, we both liked the same things and we were both looking for a
job. Just my luck,
I truly didn’t want to deal with this right
now. I just wanted to focus on my certificate.
Jaden caught me looking and rolled
his eyes. I made a conscious decision at that point to be as far away
from him as I possibly could. His idiocy was not going to prevent me from
getting my certificate.
So I did just that, I sat at the
very back of the classroom in the opposite corner, so if he was going to turn
around I would notice. As the class started our instructor was a real
hard ass, in perfect shape and knew his stuff inside and out. Most people
would tell you this was an easy course, but the physiology and the methodology
was a lot to take in. I had no time to think of Jaden, all I could do was
focus on my notes. That was something I was grateful for.
The end of the first day, I went
home, studied for a few hours then went to bed. I fell asleep and had
some terrible dreams about Jaden and how he was just yelling at me for no
reason, he looked so angry. It was a very restless night, I was almost
glad when it was time to wake up for class.
The rest of the week was more of the
same type of thing at class, mixing theoretical with practical. It was
very hard and required knowledge of a great deal of information, it was
Thursday and Friday was the exam. I was nervous, so I went home with
dinner and began studying immediately. I reached over to my phone to turn
it off so I wasn’t bothered and as I did it rang, it was Jaden.
What
the fuck did he want!
I was so angry I picked up the phone ready for
a fight.
“What do you want?”
“Listen dude, I am still not sure I want to talk to you, but I do know we are
taking the same test tomorrow and I could sure use a partner to study with.”
“Well, I hope you find one.”
I was not interested in studying
with him, especially with the way he framed it. He could fuck himself for all I
cared. As the conversation continued the expression, “pride goes before a
fall” kept ringing in my ears. Jaden continued to speak.
“OK look, I am sorry about what
happened, it just freaked me out ok, this is all very weird.”
“Yea, I guess it is pretty weird.”
“So come on man, I need you…..er I mean I need your help.”
I paused for a long moment, truth be
told I am sure I could use his help too. We studied a lot together in
university and it was always helpful.
“OK man, come over,
let’s
study.”
Jaden arrived and I let him in, we
both smiled at each other in a silent understanding that we were good
now. Jaden and I studied hard for several hours and the material seemed
to click, we always were able to help each other out.
“Wow dude, it has been some time
since we studied together, but I would say we are ready.”
“Jaden, we have always been good together and I agree I think we are done
studying.”
Jaden then looked deep into my eyes,
I knew what he was thinking,
he
could not stop
himself. He shoved his face against mine and began kissing me
intensely. He kissed me like he had been waiting for a while to do
it. I was not going to stop him, I wanted it just as much as he
did. Our tongues wound around each other for several minutes. I
reached down and grabbed at Jaden’s shorts. He was as usual not wearing
any underwear. I rubbed his cock as we kissed and he moved his hips to
the rhythm of my rubbing. He lifted himself up and ripped down his shorts so I
could get better access to his cock. I broke the kiss and began sucking
his delicious member. He was such a man, I wanted him to take me.