As she watched the pair of them, half of her wanted to tell Johnny to stop. It wasn’t his place to rough-house with Ted like that, to step into the role so easily. For a moment, she felt overwhelmed with possessiveness. She wanted to snatch Ted out of Johnny’s grasp. Tell him he could look, but he’d better not touch. She didn’t, though. She went over to the stove and busied herself stirring the
cheese sauce for the macaroni, dropping in handfuls of Gruyère and grating in some fresh nutmeg.
Ted was getting rough now, punching Johnny in the stomach over the back of the sofa.
‘Doesn’t hurt,’ said Johnny. ‘Harder.’
Ted obeyed, redoubling his efforts.
‘Can’t even feel it,’ insisted Johnny, though Honor suspected that he was feeling pretty uncomfortable. Ted was getting overexcited, his face bright red with exertion over the freckles as he gave him a serious thumping. Honor managed to restrain herself from intruding. She didn’t want to overrule their fun. Suddenly she felt like the outsider. Just as she was plucking up the courage to call a halt to the rumpus, Johnny beat her to it.
‘Come on. That’s enough now. Your mum’s got the tea ready. Go and wash your hands.’
Ted slid off the sofa and trotted obediently upstairs to the bathroom. As soon as he’d gone, Johnny folded his hands over his stomach and bent double, groaning. Honor smiled, despite herself.
‘I bet that hurt.’
‘It certainly did. I couldn’t tell him that, though.’ He stood up, his expression more serious. ‘He’s fantastic, Honor. You’ve done a grand job.’
‘I know. That he’s fantastic, I mean,’ she added hastily.
‘It can’t have been easy.’
‘Not always, no. But it is now. I’m used to it.’
‘I want to be part of his life. You know that.’
Honor stood stock-still in the middle of the kitchen, clutching the terracotta dish with her oven gloves. Ted bounded into the room.
‘Mine’s the red chair,’ he warned, grabbing the back of the seat Johnny was hovering by.
‘I’m so glad you told me,’ said Johnny. ‘I’ was about to sit there myself.’
The two of them sat down and looked at her expectantly. Honor swallowed. They were like two peas in a pod, with their freckles, their alabaster skin, their fringes that insisted on sticking up. She put the dish down on the table.
‘I just need to wash my hands,’ she said, and ran out of the room.
Upstairs, in the bathroom, she took several deep breaths. She wasn’t at all sure how to handle the situation. They looked so bloody perfect together. She didn’t have the right to deprive either of them of the other. But where did she stand in all of this? It was quite possible that she was destined to come out of it the most damaged.
For Johnny still had a magical power over her. She’d cared about what he thought of her hair, no matter how many times she told herself she didn’t. She wanted his approval. And when he came near, he made her insides turn over. If he was to touch her, she’d jump out of her skin.
If only there was a pill she could have taken. An anti-Johnny tablet to make her immune, enable her to cope with his presence and deal with what was to come dispassionately.
‘Pull yourself together,’ she told her reflection sternly. ‘He’s a no-good, drunken, feckless bastard.’
And with that she marched back downstairs with her head held high.
*
Henty stood anxiously on the platform, all four children lined up behind her. Thea wanted to go to the station shop and buy one of her ghastly teenage magazines that gave advice to pubescent girls on how to give blow jobs, but Henty refused, and now she was sulking.
The train drew in. The heavy doors flew open and people started disembarking. Thea and Lily started guessing which one was Travis, giggling and pointing.
‘That one!’ shrieked Lily, pointing at a geeky-looking type with an anorak.
‘God, no. Pleeease no!’ Thea feigned praying, then wiped her brow theatrically as the geek walked straight past them. ‘Phew.’
‘Please, girls,’ said Henty, anxiously scanning the platform. The guard blew his whistle, and started slamming shut the doors. Maybe he’d missed the train. That wasn’t a very good sign. She needed someone reliable, not someone who couldn’t turn up when they said they were going to.
Just as the train was about to depart, a door flew open and a tall, lanky figure hurled a rucksack on to the platform then leaped out after it. He scooped up the rucksack and looked around him. Shit, thought Henty. Talk about lock up your daughters. Tall and tanned, his dirty-blond hair curled down to the collar of his battered, dark brown leather jacket. An iPod stuck out of the top pocket; the earphones were slung round his neck. He sauntered up the platform towards them with an easy smile.
‘Please let that be him. Please,’ Lily intoned.
Henty stepped forward, hoping she looked businesslike.
‘Travis Cooper?’
‘I nearly missed the station. I was fast asleep.’ He grinned, showing perfect white teeth and took Henty’s hand in both of his. ‘Mrs Beresford, I presume?’
His accent was clipped, but somehow it didn’t sound as harsh as she’d expected, perhaps because of the warmth of his smile.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But call me Henty. This is Walter and this is Robin.’
‘Hey, guys.’ He ruffled Walter’s hair and stuck his thumb up at Robin.
‘And Thea and Lily,’ Henty finished weakly. The two girls were gawping, for once at a loss for words. Travis ran an appraising eye over the pair of them, then shook them each firmly by the hand.
‘How do you do?’ he said with mock formality, and the two of them exchanged uncertain glances.
‘Shall we go?’
‘I’m not going to wash my hand for a week,’ whispered Thea to Lily as they followed Travis’s loping stride out of the station and into the car park.
By the time Honor came back down from the bathroom, Johnny had helped himself and Ted to macaroni. Ted was shovelling it up greedily with his spoon in his fist. Normally Honor would hear her mother’s voice and tell him to stop eating like a navvy, but she let it go. She didn’t want to come across like a nag. She sat down and helped herself, even though her appetite had mysteriously disappeared. Her stomach was too full of fluttering wings to allow room for food.
Ted put down his spoon and fixed Johnny with a look that said he meant business.
‘Mum said you were going to get me a guinea pig.’
‘I did not!’ protested Honor. ‘I said you could ask Johnny if he could get hold of one for you. There’s a difference.’
‘Funnily enough, I have a particularly fine specimen looking for a good home back at the surgery,’ said Johnny. ‘His name is Eejit.’
‘Does he come complete with cage, feed bowl, water bottle, shavings and a supply of guinea pig food?’ asked Honor sweetly.
‘Well, of course,’ said Johnny. ‘Will I bring him over at the weekend?’
Honor shot him a warning glare, but it was too late.
‘The weekend! The weekend!’ sang Ted.
Honor wasn’t going to allow herself to be out-manoeuvred that easily.
‘Sorry. But I’m up to my eyes. I’m working at the manor.’ Honor filled him in on her new venture. ‘So Saturday’s out of the question.’
‘Not necessarily. How about I bring Eejit over and you can go up to the big house to work? Ted and I can stay here and I’ll give him a lesson in how to look after guinea pigs.’
Honor sighed.
‘Please, Mum,’ said Ted.
‘I’ll think about it,’ said Honor firmly.
‘That means yes,’ Ted informed Johnny.
‘No, it doesn’t.’ Honor’s tone was sharp. She was angry. She felt cornered, as if there was some conspiracy
between the pair of them. Though she knew perfectly well it had been engineered by Johnny. She stood up sharply and started gathering up the plates. She wasn’t going to let herself be manipulated. As she took the plates through to the sink in the kitchen, she heard the two of them start to play Paper, Stone and Scissors, thumping the table enthusiastically. They were as thick as thieves already, which was only going to make things more difficult.
Shit, she thought ruefully. She’d walked straight into Johnny’s trap.
At Fulford Farm, Henty showed Travis to his room. She’d spent the day before trying to make it comfortable and appropriate for a bloke in his twenties. She’d bought chrome lampshades and a big stripy floor rug, a funky wall clock and a denim beanbag chair to match the denim duvet set. She’d moved the portable telly in out of the kitchen – at least that would wean her off Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield while she was doing the ironing. She’d listen to books on tape instead, from the library.
‘Cool.’ He looked round, nodding in approval, and Henty felt relieved.
‘I’m not being funny,’ she said nervously, ‘but I’d rather you didn’t allow Thea and Lily in here. I don’t think it would be… appropriate.’
‘I’m glad you said that,’ said Travis. ‘Teenage girls can be a nightmare.’
He chucked his rucksack down on the bed and shrugged off his jacket. Henty gulped at the sight of his broad shoulders underneath the faded grey sweatshirt.
‘Supper will be at about eight,’ she said faintly. ‘Have a shower if you want. Or whatever.’
‘I might go and look at the horses.’ Travis peered out of the window into the stable yard below, showing a little hint of brown back above the waistband of his jeans. ‘Then I’ll come and give you a hand in the kitchen.’
‘What?’ Henty squeaked, surprised.
‘That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? To lighten your load?’
‘Well, yes, I suppose so. I just thought you might be tired after your journey.’
‘I’ve only come from Leamington Spa.’ His green eyes were laughing. ‘I’m not exactly jet-lagged.’
By half seven, Ted had got thoroughly overexcited and started trying to beat Johnny up again. Honor put her foot down and marched him upstairs to bed, despite voluble protests. While Ted was doing his teeth, she couldn’t help interrogating him, despite herself.
‘So what do you think of Johnny, then?’ she asked casually.
‘He’s way cool!’ said Ted enthusiastically. ‘Is he going to be your boyfriend?’
‘No!’ said Honor, with a slightly hysterical laugh that she hoped indicated what a silly idea this was. She hustled Ted through into his bedroom, tucked him in under his duvet, then bent down and kissed him goodnight. He smiled and shut his eyes obediently, though she knew he always waited till she’d gone to slide his Gameboy out from under the pillow. She usually found him half an hour later, fast asleep with it still beeping in his hands.
She went down the stairs with trepidation. Her little
shield was in bed, the one thing that was allowing her to keep her distance. The kitchen was immaculate: the washing-up done and everything put away. Johnny was pulling the cork on a bottle of red wine.
‘I found this in the wine rack,’ he admitted. ‘I think we probably need it.’
He poured it into two glasses and handed one to her. She took it warily as he raised his in a toast.
‘To our absolutely gorgeous son,’ he said. Then he drank deeply, and put his glass back down on the table. ‘I’ve been knocked sideways, Honor. I didn’t think I’d feel like this. I don’t know how I thought I’d feel. But I didn’t think I’d
love
him straight away.’
He looked into her eyes, his expression totally genuine. Which was unusual for Johnny – he usually had a hint of mockery or a glint of evasiveness when the conversation bordered on the serious. Johnny just didn’t do mature, adult heart-to-heart debate. To him the answer always lay at the next party or at the bottom of the bottle. Life for him wasn’t about making reasoned decisions.
‘It’s not just that I can see me in him. You’d have to be blind not to spot the similarity, with the ginger hair and the freckles and all,’ he grinned ruefully. ‘But I can see you in him as well. All the things I used to love about you. His warmth, his sense of fun, his ability to totally charm people…’
‘Yeah, OK – enough of the flattery’ Honor cut him off with a wave of her hand. She was deliberately curt. She didn’t want to be taken in by his hyperbole.
‘I want to look after you both. What do you need? A bigger house? A bigger car? Is his school OK?’
Honor bristled.
‘We’re perfectly happy with things the way they are, thank you.’
‘Come on, there must be things you need.’
‘No,’ Honor insisted. ‘There’s nothing we
need
. I’ve always made sure of that. Sure, there’s things we don’t have. Places we don’t go to. But if there’s one thing bringing up Ted has taught me, it’s that you don’t need half of the crap you’re conned into thinking you can’t live without. Ted has a better time when we go to Weston-super-Mare for the day than any of his friends do when they go to the bloody Caribbean.’
Johnny listened to her outburst with a half smile.
‘Hey. There’s no need to be defensive. I know you’ve given him the most wonderful life. That’s why he’s such a great kid. I bet you spend time with him for a start. I bet you spend hours building sandcastles with him.’
Honor didn’t reply. Johnny was right: last time they went to the beach, she and Ted had made the most enormous and elaborate castle, studded with shells and peppered with little paper flags. Elsewhere on the beach she could see mothers stretched out on towels, immersed in lurid paperbacks, occasionally dishing out cartons of drinks or another dollop of suncream, but otherwise ignoring their children.
Johnny put both hands on her shoulders and made her look at him.
‘I just meant… if there was something you wanted. Even if it’s something silly. I’m not criticizing or even suggesting you haven’t got everything you need. Because you’re right: life’s not all about what money can buy. But
sometimes it’s nice. Sometimes it’s nice to say fuck it. I know you know that. Jaysus, I’ve been on enough shopping trips with you.
Fuck it, I can’t decide which colour – I’ll have both
…’
He did a wicked imitation of her in her former life. And she knew it was true. She’d always been profligate. She’d always had what she wanted: the best. And she couldn’t deny that she didn’t sometimes feel a pang for those things she couldn’t afford. But getting them from Johnny was too high a price.