Anna
Watching Ethan play on the rug in the family room with his niece Izzy, almost made my heart burst. He knew how to handle women, young and old. He spoke to her as if she understood every word he said and she watched him as if she did, occasionally reaching her hand out to enthusiastically pat his cheek.
“He would make a great father,” Jessica whispered to me as I stood watching Ethan.
I shrugged, pulling myself away from watching them and headed back over to the counter.
“Don’t you think?” Jessica continued.
“I’ve not . . . I guess.”
I’d spent the last three months trying not to think about things like that. Trying not to do exactly what I did with all my other relationships—ruin them with “what ifs” before they even started.
“Don’t tell me you’ve not thought about it. You’re a woman. That’s what we do.”
“We don’t talk about that stuff,” I responded. It was true. We’d not talked about it and although thoughts about the future had entered my mind, I swept them under my trusty rug of denial along with unpaid credit card bill from last month and my lack of gym attendance since Ethan had arrived.
“What stuff? Babies?”
“Babies. The future. We’re here now and we’re happy and that’s what we’re focusing on.”
“But you must think about it. He leaves tomorrow.” She was relentless. Couldn’t she tell I was uncomfortable?
“I try not to. Can I help you with anything? I’m a great potato masher.”
Please change the subject.
She finally got the hint and set me up making a salad. I could tell from her silence she wanted me to offer up more about Ethan and our future but I resolutely stayed silent. I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I’d been putting off these discussions for what seemed like forever but we had to talk. After tomorrow we were going to be on different continents. I just didn’t know for how long. He wasn’t staying or he would have told me and I wasn’t leaving to go with him. There was no plan to be together, no plane ticket booked. I had a life and a job and a family and commitments in London but I wanted him—I wanted to be with him.
Ethan and James joined us at the counter, Izzy wriggling on Ethan’s hip.
“You’re not letting her cook are you?” Ethan asked, watching me chop the cucumber. “Really, she’s terrible.”
“I am not and anyway, I’m not cooking. I’m chopping.”
“Thank god, I don’t need food poisoning on a transatlantic flight.”
My stomach lurched at the mention of his journey home and it must have shown in my face because he reached across and stroked my back in small circles. I squeezed out a grin.
“So, your flight leaves tomorrow night?” Jessica asked.
“Yeah, the late flight back and I have an all-day meeting on Monday.”
“Ouch,” James said.
“So you two are going to do the long distance thing?” Jessica asked. Jesus she was like a dog with a bone.
Ethan sighed. “I really hope you’ve not been pestering Anna about us, Jess. You’ll find out soon enough, so drop it. Please.”
“Ethan, it’s not an unreasonable question. I just love you guys together. I love seeing my brother so happy and I want that for you. I want you to be happy.”
She was right. It wasn’t unreasonable. We should have talked about this before now. Even if we decided that tonight would be our last night together, I wish I knew what our plan was. I wish I knew that there
was
a plan for us.
“And I love you for it, but drop it unless you want to ruin tonight.” There was no arguing with Ethan when he meant business. His sister seemed to know that and she didn’t mention it again, but it hovered around us all evening. We both skirted the subject as we discussed what our plans were for Christmas. I explained that I always spent it with my parents and Ethan said he was flying to Aspen with his parents.
“And do you have plans for New Year’s?” Jessica asked me.
“Umm. No, I usually end up at some party where I don’t want to be and leave at ten past midnight. I’m not a huge fan of New Year’s Eve.”
God, starting a new year without Ethan sounded like the worst evening ever. I wanted him to tell me that he was flying back to London for New Year, that we could spend the evening naked, watching the fireworks across London’s rooftops.
“And how’s work?” she asked, flitting her eyes between us. “After the merger, is it all going well?”
I shrugged. Ethan nodded “Yeah, good. There’s plenty to do but I think it will be great to have a European network.” Ethan sounded enthusiastic. More enthusiastic than me.
“I’ve lost my work mojo at the moment,” I murmured honestly. I’d not said it out loud before but once the words had left my lips, I realized that the thoughts that had been swirling around my head recently were more than the usual weekend blues as the prospect of another week ahead.
“Really?” Ethan turned to me, his eyebrows knitted together.
“A bit.”
A lot.
The thought of having no prospect of running into him at work made the thought of going in on Monday even bleaker.
“Is Adams being a dick?” Paul Adams was the partner I did most of my work with.
“Language,” Jessica hissed, pointing at the buggy where Izzy was fast asleep.
Ethan rolled his eyes.
“No more than usual,” I replied. “I just . . . I’m sure it will be fine and if it’s not, I can give it all up and go to India and become a yoga teacher.”
Everyone laughed but Ethan’s was forced. I reached across and stroked his knee. He grabbed my hand.
I wanted to leave right then. I just wanted it to be us. I turned my head sideways and he met my stare. He knew. He could see what I wanted and so we would leave at the first polite opportunity and have our last night in London together.
Ethan
As much as I loved my sister, I wanted to be alone with Anna. Our last night together should be about us. We needed to talk, finally, about our future. Did she think we had one? Why was she putting off this conversation until the very last minute?
When she looked at me, I knew she wanted to leave too. I loved the way I could see what was going on behind those beautiful eyes, most of the time.
I stood up to help Jessica clear the table.
“Thanks, Bond. James thinks I’m his personal slave.”
James rolled his eyes. “If you weren’t obsessed with clearing the dishes as soon as the last person has swallowed their final mouthful then I might get a chance to help before you started nagging.”
God, were they still in love? I couldn’t remember if they’d always been like this. Snipping at each other, throwing biting comments back and forth. It was exhausting to watch. I’d much rather be fucking Anna than fighting with her.
The four of us cleared the table and I made our excuses. Jessica, for once, didn’t argue with me. I believed her when she said she wanted to see it work with Anna. Maybe that’s why she didn’t give me a hard time about leaving straight after eating.
“Make sure you two talk it out. I want to see you happy together,” Jessica called as we made our way down their path to the street.
Anna looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Your sister is relentless.”
I smiled. “She is. But she’s right. The time is now. We need to talk.”
Anna nodded but didn’t say anything as I flagged down a taxi. We sat close in the cab and I held her hand in both of mine, rubbing my thumb across her knuckles. The tension thickened between us. We sat in silence as the London streets zipped by. I’d miss this city. New York was part of my soul but so was Anna—and for me London was all about Anna, which made it the best place on earth.
I was trying to decide how I was going to say what I wanted to say. I’d had weeks, no months, to think about it and now the moment was almost here and I couldn’t quite decide how to put what I was feeling into words. I loved her. I wanted us to be together. But I needed her to want all the same things and I wasn’t sure if I was about to get my heart ripped out of my chest.
As the cab pulled up, Anna took a deep breath. I tried to catch her eye but she avoided looking at me. I felt a dull thud in my chest. Fuck. I didn’t know if I’d survive this.
We made our way into the apartment in silence. Anna was first to speak, thanking me as I took her jacket.
“Whiskey?” she asked.
I nodded. I followed her to the kitchen and she set about the now familiar routine of setting out the glasses, dividing the ice and then pouring the amber liquid.
We took our drinks and Anna forced a smile at me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
We settled on the sofa and I pulled her legs onto my lap. I loved being able to touch her any time I pleased. I loved that whenever we sat on this sofa, her legs were mine.
“So,” she said.
“So,” I replied.
“So, you want to have the talk now?”
Of course I wanted to have the talk now. Didn’t she? A lump formed in my throat. I couldn’t speak, so I nodded.
“Okay,” she said.
I nodded again. At work I used silence as a negotiation tactic. It was amazing how much someone would give away if you didn’t respond to their initial offer. They’d often negotiate against themselves. But my silence in that moment was helping me not get on my knees and beg her to come back to New York with me. I needed to know what
she
wanted. Did she see a future for us?
“So where do we start?” she asked.
“You start,” I choked out and took a gulp of whiskey, hoping that it would numb any pain and allow me to get my words out when the time came.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked.
That fucking irritated me. What did she think I wanted her to say? At least the agitation seemed to neutralize my nerves slightly.
“I want to you to tell me what you want. No bullshit, no ambiguity.”
“And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Don’t I get to hear the same from you?” she asked.
“You do.”
“So, go ahead.”
Such a fucking lawyer. I chuckled. “No way, beautiful. I’m getting the last word here. You’re going to start and you’re going to tell me the truth. I want every single thought that’s spinning in that beautiful head of yours coming out of that beautiful, very talented, mouth of yours. Now, go ahead.”
She looked at me, trying to decide what to say. Surely, she’d thought about this? Surely she knew what she wanted?
“I like you,” she said, finally.
“You like me?” I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Well, you know. I really like you.” She started to laugh and she rolled her eyes at me. “You know I love you, Ethan.”
I leaned forward and kissed her on the corner of her mouth. I couldn’t help it. I never got tired of hearing those words coming from her. “It feels like there’s a
but
coming.”
“Well, the
but
is we live on different continents. You have a life and a career in New York and I have a life and career in London. I’d say that’s a pretty big
but
.”
I nodded. To me, it wasn’t that big a issue. There were ways of making this work. Did she see them?
“So, if I wanted to be a lawyer about it,” she continued, “we have various options.”
I nodded again, willing her on.
“We could agree to part ways here and now. No complications, no ambiguity, no bullshit. . .” She looked at me, and I wasn’t sure if I should respond. She was using my words, was she thinking that was my preferred option?
“For the record, that’s my least favorite of all the options.” The words tumbled out before I had a chance to stop them.
A smile spread slowly across her face. “How do you know that the other options aren’t worse?”
“I can’t think of anything worse than my life without you.”
“Ethan.” My name came out in a half whisper. “It will be complicated.”
“I’ve been trying to hold back, to allow you to tell me what you want, but I can’t wait another second. I want you, Anna. Whatever it takes.”
“Whatever it takes?”
I nodded. “So, you seem to have thought about this. Do you have a plan?” The words came out through her grin.
“First I want to hear what you want. How much convincing do I need to do?”
“You think you need to convince me?”
I shrugged.
She scrambled across my lap, her knees either side of my lap. “You don’t need to convince me of anything. I’m good at complicated.”
I felt the air leave my chest and my body relax as I grabbed her face in my hands and pushed my lips against hers. Pulling away I said, “I fly tomorrow.” Why hadn’t we talked about this sooner, we could have been making plans?
“Then let’s make every moment count. Don’t expect any sleep tonight, Mr. Scott.”
Ethan
I’d never realized you could feel physically fucking sick from missing someone.
We’d been in the air for two hours, which meant I hadn’t seen Anna in three, but I still missed her. During our time in London we’d spent plenty of time apart when we were at work but it hadn’t felt like this. It hadn’t felt like I’d been sucker punched. In my gut. In my heart.
“I’ll have another whiskey. In fact, just keep them coming,” I said to the flight attendant. I don’t know what she said in reply. I just kept my eyes on the screen in front of me and tuned her out. I was watching Pretty Woman. Of course I was. I was a walking fucking cliché. I’d become the chick who wallowed in post-break-up misery. Except we hadn’t broken up. But it made me feel closer to her, knowing she’d watched it a million times and knew every line. She’d laugh if I told her. And I liked making her laugh.
I had a mountain of prep for the meeting the next day but I couldn’t face it. For the first time in my life, I didn’t care if I went into the meeting tomorrow hung-over and unprepared. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing except being with Anna. That was the goal and I was going to make it happen.
I nearly hadn’t made the flight, not wanting to leave. We stood at security for what seemed like hours, until the last possible moment. Our arms clamped around each other, we didn’t speak—we’d said all that we needed to say. We just needed to be with each other. And she held on to me tight, as if it were the end or at least the beginning of complicated.
The Empire State Series concludes in the final instalment, coming January 2015.