Have you ever been talking to your wife and suddenly realize you have no idea what she’s talking about because it is a completely different subject than you were just discussing? I often wonder how the two (or three, or six) different subjects my wife is talking about could possibly be interrelated. When she explains the process that connects them, I am often astounded at the complexity involved. (She once talked her way out of a traffic ticket by confusing the male police officer so much about what a frozen turkey had to do with her speeding that he finally just walked away and let her go with a warning.) The mere mention of someone’s name can send her thought process off in a direction completely different from the topic at hand. Judging from my wife’s explanation of her thought process and her conversations, I would be frightened inside her head. It would be like being trapped in a carnival fun house while suffering from a bad case of hallucinatory malaria.
I was a speaker at a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) convention one year and almost died because I found myself trapped in a room where five thousand women were all talking at the same time about every unrelated topic under the sun. My mental circuitry was overloading and frying as I tried to process all that illogical data input.
Words Count
Sometimes it’s hard for us men to understand and realize how fragile a woman’s psyche is, and we can easily or inadvertently crush her spirit with our words or actions. Sometimes I have to think,
I’ve seen her pop out a baby and hardly break a sweat, so why in the heck is she crying over a couple of words I said?
I’ve learned over the years that she often takes my words more seriously than I mean them.
Remember that while men get validation from achievements, women get it through their relationships. Words mean a great deal to women, and women have a need to hear words that validate their worth. They need to hear that they are loved and needed. In fact, you’ll notice that women use a lot of words—two to three times as many as men.
Women crave compliments. If you want to see the heart of even the angriest woman melt, just tell her how beautiful she is or say something like, “Baby, you know how much I love you.” Even if she suspects you are lying, she will still
want
to believe you.
Your wife needs to hear several things daily. She needs confirmation that you love her, and she needs to know you find her attractive physically. I think if a man were smart enough to tell his wife those two things every day, she would be a pretty satisfied woman. She needs to hear those things frequently to allay her fears and insecurities.
Your wife, like most women, is very insecure about her appearance. She magnifies in her mind any perceived imperfections or flaws in her physical appearance. I use the word
perceived
because they are usually just that—figments of her imagination. The great mystery is that even the world’s most beautiful women think they are ugly or have features they are insecure about. So your wife greatly needs and desires to hear from you, “You’re beautiful” or “You are gorgeous.” Occasionally she likes to know she looks sexy as well, but not all the time (also, women don’t seem to like being called “hot” for some reason—perhaps because they think it’s a cheaper version of sexy).
In this area, your words are very powerful. Remember that verbal communication or words mean a lot to a woman—more than your actions do most of the time. Her craving to know she is appealing and beautiful makes her subject to even insincere flattery. She wants to know she is needed and wanted by you.
Notice how men who have learned to speak a woman’s language are very successful with sexual conquests. They learn to tell women what they crave to hear: that they are beautiful, desirable, and irresistible. Of course, they don’t actually mean it, but many women fall under their spell anyway.
Nurturing the Nurturer
Even the way your wife is wired biologically contributes to this nurturing ability she has. Recent studies at the University of Pennsylvania performed MRI brain scans on men and women. The experimenters induced stress in the subjects by having them count backwards as quickly as possible from 1,600 by 13. Imaging showed that while under stress, more blood flow went to the prefrontal cortex in men, the area of the brain that induces a fight-or-flight response. In women, more blood flow went to the limbic system of the brain, the area responsible for “tend and befriend,” or nurturing, behavior.
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This explanation might be one reason why women seem to be better able to juggle the massive and often stressful roles of raising small children on a daily basis. I think most men would fold under the burden of raising small children and taking care of a household full-time. Sure, there are some men who are stay-at-home dads, but they are the exception, not the rule.
So how can a husband help his wife best use her gifts of nurturing? One way is to meet her needs. Here’s how one woman described her needs in this area:
When I am upset or hurting in the midst of difficult situations, please stand by me and be the support I need, a best friend. I need your strength to get through these times; your listening ear, your soothing, caring voice to let me know it’s going to be okay. Can I depend on you to be there? Will you pray so my strength in the Lord can be built up when I’m unable to pray for myself or my situation?
One of the very few complaints I have had about my wife during the course of our long marriage is that she doesn’t keep as clean a house as I would like. It’s not that she’s dirty or keeps an unclean home; it’s just not as orderly as I would like it. Having a spotless home is not as high on her priority list as it is on mine—she would rather have fun and enjoy life.
This was something that bugged me for years. I finally realized a couple of things. First, if I wanted the house kept to my standards, I was going to have to do the majority of the housework. (Note—I discovered that housework was not my favorite activity.) And second, it could be worse. There are a lot worse things she could do than neglect a little housework—she could have sexual hang-ups and be absent in the bedroom; she could be unfaithful; she could be rude, disrespectful, or contemptuous toward me; she could be a lousy cook or any number of other things that would make my life miserable. I realized that by helping instead of harping in an area that she was probably never going to change in anyway, it helped to nurture those sides of her that benefited me and others in our family.
Another way a husband can help his wife is by giving her breaks so she can reenergize and nurture herself. Guys, you all know how difficult it is, even for short periods, to watch a couple of little curtain climbers bouncing off the walls. Yes, you can make it look easy in the short term because you can play with them for a couple of hours, but secretly most of you are glad when your wife gets home and can “take over” the job of watching them.
Now imagine having to be around them every second of the day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year—providing for all their needs, not having a minute alone, always on guard. Never being able to watch the game on TV for a few minutes for fear the two-year-old would be toddling down the freeway, or the four-year-old would be flushing the remote control down the toilet after shaving her head with an electric razor, or the five-year-old would put snakes and bugs in his little sister’s bed even as he “paints” her face with Desitin. How about changing
all
(or most anyway) of the poopy diapers, even in the middle of the night, even when you’re sick!
That could frustrate and even depress the strongest person. The pressure of constantly being with young children can be debilitating after a period of time, and frankly, I’m not sure how women do it. That doesn’t even count all the household chores, cooking, cleaning, and scheduling, on top of meeting all
your
needs as well (and if you’re being honest, guys, you know how many needs you have).
Especially when women have young children, they are so harried by being “Mom” to everyone and everything that they sometimes feel like they lose their identity. They feel like they are nothing but servants and caretakers of everyone around them. The constant neediness of everyone overwhelms their sense of being. This is also the time when a woman’s history—any dysfunctional issues from childhood—can surface and she won’t even know why.
Men, here’s a simple suggestion that I want to encourage you to consider. Since your happiness and your family’s depends directly on your wife’s nurturing abilities, it only makes sense to help her stay as healthy as possible in this area. In order for her to stay healthy and recharge herself, I suggest you give her at least a one-hour break every day.
Now some of you might be inwardly groaning as you read that, but let me put it in perspective. If your boss made one hour of overtime mandatory every day, you probably wouldn’t complain too much, you’d just suck it up and get it done. So if you were to take an extra fifteen minutes when you pull into the driveway to decompress from your workday, then go in the house, change clothes, and offer to watch the kids for an hour, it could make an amazing transformation in your marriage. Your wife could leave and do whatever she needed to do, allowing her to gather her sanity, talk with other adults, and catch her breath. It wouldn’t be that difficult if you just considered it a little bit of overtime for each workday, and I promise it would make a world of difference to your wife. If she knew she could count on this time every day, she would start looking forward to it and be happy to see you walk in the door. Your wife would be happier and healthier, and her nurturing instincts would be even more honed and inspired. When that happens, you will be the one who benefits most.
The truth is, guys, we need women to help us be civilized, focused, ambitious, connected, healthy, and happy. Women are our anchors and connection to love, family, and meaning in life.
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That means it is our responsibility to seek our wives’ best interests, even at our own expense.
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There’s another old saying that relates to the practice of making sure your wife is taken care of. Old sayings always make a lot of sense when you figure out how they apply to your life. This one says, “Ain’t no one happy if Momma ain’t happy.” If you make sure your wife is happy, you can be sure that you will be happy as well.
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made her so different.
Women usually believe a person’s words over their actions.
Generally speaking, women are more compassionate, loving, and understanding than men.
Women tend to be more tenderhearted than men and consequently have their feelings hurt more easily.
Your wife needs to have daily confirmation that you love her.
Without women, men’s lives would be very hard and unemotional indeed.
Get inside Her Head
That poor little stray puppy needs some food and loving.
The kids need vegetables for dinner, not ice cream.
I feel so bad when my son is picked on at school—I’ve got to go rescue him!
If we can just figure out what is going on with the Johnsons, we can help improve their marriage.
He needs a good woman to take care of him. I have a friend who would be perfect for him. Maybe I can fix them up on a date.
Words Have Meaning
Words That Heal
“I love the fact that you take such good care of me and the kids.”
“The boys and I couldn’t survive without you.”
“Sure, you can keep that stray cat.”
“Thank you for all you bring to our home.”
Words That Hurt
“You are so weak—you believe every sob story someone gives you.”
“Would you please quit mothering me!”
“You are so needy.”
“Quit acting like a baby—you get your feelings hurt too easily.”
Women’s Mood
# 5
Cycle
The Moon and the Tide
Every month, it is woman’s fate to face the abyss of time and being, the abyss which is herself.
Camille Paglia
A
ll women are subject to a hormonal cycle each month (or every twenty-eight days on average). For most men, this process is mysterious and more than a little scary. Most of us feel this subject is strictly on a need-to-know basis and we don’t want too much information. But I think it is important for us to have more than just superficial knowledge to understand what changes our wives go through each month. Understanding this cycle may help explain many of the behaviors of women that are confusing to most men. So here is a quick primer on a woman’s menstrual cycle.