Believing Bullshit: How Not to Get Sucked into an Intellectual Black Hole (26 page)

My Evangelical Friend's Beliefs

A friend of mine (not a particularly close one, but I do count her as a friend) believes in the inerrancy of the Bible. She believes it is all absolutely and literally true. Every last word. My friend is, of course, a Young Earth Creationist. Not surprisingly, when I question her about Young Earth Creationism, she relies heavily on “
But It Fits!
” to defend her position. She has also acquired a great deal of ammunition for
The Blunderbuss
—firing off all sorts of irrelevant or invented “problems” for me to deal with. Setting her Young Earth Creationism to one side, my friend's religious convictions are defended more generally by
Playing the Mystery Card
—she constantly reminds me there are “more things in heaven and earth.” She says I should show a little humility (ironic, given she is the one claiming certainty). She also appeals regularly to her own religious experience. If I raise objections to some aspect of her belief, she often responds by saying she
just knows
in her heart that the Bible is all literally true and that Jesus is her savior (and she insists I would know this too if I wasn't blinded by sin). Sometimes my friend also points to the
miraculous healings she has received as conclusive proof that what she believes is true. She claims she was unable to have children, but then received a miracle pregnancy. She also insists that she used to have a minor physical disability that was instantly cured at a religious event. This is, of course, all anecdotal evidence. I strongly suspect, given what my friend says about her conversion (she was dramatically “born again”) that she was, and continues to be, subject to quite a bit of
Pressing Your Buttons
, though I can't be sure.

That completes my nine examples. Of course, they are just examples. My hope is that this “spotter's guide” to Intellectual Black Holes will help readers to both spot other examples when they come across them.

We have a duty to our children to ensure that they have at least some immunity to the kind of intellectual snake oil identified in this book. When some smiling, wide-eyed true believer presses a leaflet into our son's or daughter's hand as they walk down the street, how confident can we be that they won't end up suckered into some ridiculous, financially exploitative, and possibly even downright sinister belief system by people employing the kinds of techniques outlined here?

If we want to immunize the next generation against such bullshit, let's at least make sure they understand the warning signs.

I

Bear in mind that the author—an eminent guru within some minor, recently invented cult—is a charlatan, as are her colleagues. She cannot be trusted to tell the truth, not even to her nephew. Her views about mainstream religion—and Christianity in particular—are clearly cynical and no doubt unreliable. I leave you to judge what is true and what is not.

The letters contain few clues as to the specific teaching of the cult. There is a limited amount of jargon. “Glub” seems to be the name of some sort of deity or god, “Boogle,” the name of some particularly evil and terrifying being, and “doob,” a term that members of this cult use to refer to outsiders. Glub and Boogle may be two facets of a single cosmic being or two separate, competing beings involved in some sort of cosmic battle—it's hard to be sure.

Be warned—the letters make pretty depressing and sickening reading. Still, they do usefully reveal just how manipulative and scheming
some
people can be. Thank goodness such deliberate charlatans are few and far between.

Stephen Law
Oxford
August 19, 2010

The Bodgers Centre
Newcastle
January 2, 2008

My Dear Woodworm,

How pleased I was to hear of your graduation from our guru training college—and with a distinction too. Great things are expected of you, as I'm sure you've made aware. I see you have been assigned to one of our newest recruitment centres—in Oxford. That is also excellent news. There's plenty of fodder there. But you now need to prove yourself. And that is where I come in. As you know, our Leader prefers Juniors to be mentored by a Senior they know well. As I am your aunt, I have been asked to watch over you and provide assistance wherever I can.

I cannot be there in person, I'm afraid. We are having something of a crisis here at Bodgers—one of our Juniors was caught indulging in some questionable activity with a couple of young recruits, and we're having a hard time keeping a lid on it. It's all hands to the pump at Bodgers, at least for the next few months. Still, I can correspond with you and advise wherever I can. Just send me regular progress reports, if you will.

After your intensive training, you will be intimately acquainted with both our aims and methods. And you now possess your own copy of the
Handbook
(which, I need hardly add, you must guard with your life—it must
never
fall into the hands of a recruit). We have spent thousands of pounds and a year of our time honing your skills, so you won't be surprised to hear we now expect results.

Our aim is to ensnare human minds, to make them true and faithful servants of our teaching. Let me focus your attention on our Leader's opening remarks in the
Handbook
:

Our aim must be to instil in our patients such patterns of thought that their minds become wholly ours—so that they become impregnable fortresses to anyone else who might try to prise their way in. But we must do this while all the time maintaining the illusion that these ways of thinking are perfectly “rational” and “reasonable.
”

Creating that illusion, Woodworm, is the clincher, the
real
trick. We must make minds that are fortresses to those outside and prisons to their occupants. We must forge minds in which we have succeeded in entrenching such effective mental roadblocks and self-perpetuating habits of thought that their owners will never be able to think their way free again. For then they will be our willing servants. But our “patients,” as our Leader likes to call them, must never suspect. The faithful must fall for the illusion that they are the ones whose minds have been set free and that it is everyone else who remains mentally imprisoned!

To become the jailer of another's mind—what a prospect! An impossible task? By no means. Difficult, yes. But armed with your training, the
Handbook
, and a firm determination to succeed, let me assure you that you
will
succeed! I have converted literally hundreds of doobs over the last few years, and I am confident that you will do better still.

Which brings me to our movement's current Achilles' heel, and my sternest word of warning. As I say, the key to success lies in maintaining an illusion—your patients must not suspect, not even for a second, that you are deliberately deceiving and manipulating them, that you intend to become their mental jailer. We have one very obvious disadvantage compared to the promoters of most other self-sealing bubbles of belief. We
know
we are deceivers. We know exactly what we are doing as we pull our patients' strings. Your local religious minister may use many of the same techniques as you, but he really believes the doctrines he promotes. He is quite convinced he is doing nothing more than opening people's eyes to the truth—setting them free. Which means he does not need to fake anything. His voice conveys real warmth. His eyes glisten with genuine fervour. The same is true of the political zealot peddling her leaflets on the street corner. At least she believes the claptrap she peddles. She doesn't have to pretend.

We, the first generation of Followers, know that the beliefs we are selling are an ingenious fiction concocted by our Leader. While we plan that future generations will be sincere devotees, we, the First Wave, must unfortunately learn to fake that brand of misty-eyed enthusiasm. Take it from me, it's an illusion difficult to sustain for any length of time.

Knowing you as I do, I think this is what you will find most difficult, the challenge you will have to work hardest to overcome. As that unfortunate incident involving your father's car made clear, you are not a good liar. And you are prone to over-intellectualize. That might have proved an advantage in the academic world of our college, but out there in the real world, it produces pitfalls.

True, because we
know
we are deceivers, we have a great advantage over our sincere counterparts in other cults. We have studied the techniques necessary to enslave minds coldly and dispassionately—even
scientifically
—and have thus became far more knowledgeable and skillful than our competitors in their application. But do not underestimate the advantage our counterparts have over us—an advantage that will become quickly apparent to you as you embark on your first project. The truth is, it is only
later
that the intellectual traps and snares come into play. You will doubtless be eager to apply the bogus arguments, seductive fallacies, and other intellectual sleights of hand that you have mastered so well. But
patience, patience
! Take that route
too
quickly, and your victim will smell a rat.

The first step in ensnaring any mind is to focus on your patient's
emotions.
Emotion is the unlocked door on which we need only gently push to gain initial entry. Your patient must be seduced into feeling comfortable with you, liking you, admiring you. You must appear to exude warmth and compassion. You must seem to possess both depth and sincerity. You must be able to touch their sleeve, look into their eyes, and make that
special
connection. If they suspect, even for a second, that you're a fake, the game is up. Their critical defences will come crashing down, and your job will be one hundred times as hard. Fake sincerity—that's the thing. If only we could bottle it.

Here's my suggestion. Focus on one patient to begin with. That's a far more effective way of sharpening your technique. But how to find your first recruit?

My advice is to join some clubs: chess, model making, hiking, dance, acting, that sort of thing. It doesn't matter what, just so long as there's plenty of opportunity for one-to-one or small group chat. Strike up conversations with people in cafés and bars. Keep returning to the same places, so that you become a familiar presence. Slowly, you will build a circle of acquaintances. Appear confident and positive. Be fun to be around. And remember—no mumbling into your coffee. Be direct. Above all,
make eye contact.
Then, without appearing to pry, begin to ask them about themselves. They'll be more eager to tell than you might imagine. Slowly build up a picture of their emotional life, of their hopes and fears, of what they most care about. Pretend to open up to them, you'll find that they will then open up even more. The more they come to trust you, the more vulnerable to your wiles they will become. Then, slowly and carefully, begin to draw up your plans.

Good hunting!

Your affectionate aunt,
Tapescrew

The Bodgers Centre
Newcastle
March 4, 2008

Dear Woodworm,

My congratulations! You have assembled an impressive collection of “friends,” built up a picture of their emotional vulnerabilities, and even selected your first patient. A thirty-two-year-old woman somewhat unhappy at work, few close friends, feeling a little lonely, still waiting, with increasing anxiety, for that “special someone” to come along and fill her life with love and meaning. She looks an excellent prospect. You have even let her half imagine that the special someone might be you!

The idea of the dinner party was a masterstroke, Woodworm. A small, intimate setting in which the conversation can be steered gently in the direction you desire without anyone becoming particularly suspicious. Just you, your patient, and two other Juniors playing the role of “friends.” I have no idea why, but sharing food with someone always helps create a special bond. A little wine to lower the inhibitions, just the right questions asked, seemingly in a casual, offhand way: “Do you think that when you're dead, that's it?” I
particularly
approve of “I used to worry about where my life was headed.”

You say your little fake confession of earlier torment caused a tear to appear in her eye. Luckily, you didn't overdo it. You gave just a hint that perhaps you had a deep secret, a source of inner contentment and security, of which she had managed to catch a momentary glimpse. And, once her curiosity was fired,
you
changed the subject, so she got not even a whiff of the fact that she's the fish on your hook. She was intrigued and left wanting to know more.

Most important of all, she left feeling good. She thought she'd communicated in a special way. She felt she had really been given a rare opportunity to address things that had been gnawing away at her. That feeling, Woodworm, that emotion you caused her to have, is our Archimedean point—the fulcrum on which our whole enterprise now turns.

In a few weeks, you will invite her to the Retreat. But not yet. I want to hear you have made real progress in the meantime. First, she must want to know more about that “inner strength” you seem to exude, that quiet certainty you have. Get her wondering where it comes from? If
she
could acquire it too? Leave clues. But no details just yet.

Why not? The truth is that the core beliefs of almost any cult or religion, if written down in unvarnished prose on the back of an envelope, will strike anyone unfamiliar with them as ridiculous. “You believe
that?
” they'll say, dumbfounded. “Why on earth do believe
that
?!”

That is precisely the reaction you'll get from this doob if you play your hand too soon. “If
only
…” I often find myself thinking. If
only
we had access to them when they are children, when their intellectual and emotional defences are so much weaker, while they exhibit such uncritical, sponge-like eagerness to accept whatever a grown-up tells them. One day, I hope, we will have our own schools. Portraits of
our
Leader will beam serenely down from
our
classroom walls. Each day will begin with the singing of one of
our
enervating anthems. The curriculum will devote time every day to the study of
our
Leader's inspiring words. Think of the opportunity such institutions will give us! But it's early days. We don't have them yet.

What such schools are after, of course, is usually
not
, as some of you novices seem to think, the opportunity to churn out mindless automata uncritically devoted to the cause. No, no. Desirable though that would be, it is an entirely unrealistic expectation given the unfortunate fact that the little darlings are exposed to so many rival ideas and pressures outside the school gates. Such ideas and pressures have a powerfully corrosive effect on those in which they're indoctrinated inside school.

No, it's impossible for a school to achieve a high degree of mindless acceptance without, say, the assistance of a family with very tight control over to whom their children speak and to what ideas they are exposed, a family that reinforces the indoctrination with further psychological manipulation both inside and outside the home, including subtle or not so subtle threats of complete social ostracism should the child ever leave the faith. This is the kind of assistance most faith schools don't have.