Board Stiff (Xanth) (2 page)

“Because they’d laugh at me back home,” he answered. “I said I was going off to seek the perfect weapon, adventure, or woman, and they said well, return when you succeed, knowing that any such thing was well beyond my talent of making things easy. If I return with nothing but this stupid board, they’ll laugh their rear ends off.”

Kandy was amazed. He had heard her! And responded. But he didn’t know it was her, or even that it was the board. He must have thought it was his own rhetorical question. Still, that was progress. Could she tell him her nature? She was dubious. Even if she got through to him, and he realized that she was a woman, what then? He still couldn’t
do
anything with her, other than use her to club things, which wasn’t very romantic. It would be an exercise in frustration for both of them. She had to throw off the transformation spell before identifying herself.

Still, she was curious, so she tried again.
WHAT NOW?

“I have no idea,” Ease said. “If the Good Magician couldn’t help me, and the Wishing Well couldn’t help me, maybe I’m helpless.”

Kandy was not satisfied with that.
TRY THE GOOD MAGICIAN AGAIN.

“Why should I do that?”

WITH A DIFFERENT QUESTION.

Ease paused, considering. “I think I’m getting smarter. If at first I don’t succeed, try try again. Or whatever.”

Good enough.
SO DO IT.

“Now I shall hie me off to see the Good Magician, first thing in the morning,” he decided. “I know he charges a year’s service or equivalent for an Answer, but since the wishing well failed me, what else is there? So I’ll just go ask him how I can achieve personal satisfaction, and that will be that. If he fails me again, I’ve lost nothing.”

Kandy doubted it. She knew about Good Magician Humfrey, the century-old-and-not-counting Magician of Information, notorious for his terminal grumpiness. Truth be told, he wasn’t much better than the wishing well for giving satisfactory Answers. There was no telling what Ease would find himself involved in. But as he said, what else was there?

Ease completed his nest making, which because of his talent had been an easy chore, and lay down in his clothing, holding the board firmly in one hand. She knew why: if a hungry monster came during the night, Ease wanted to be able to bash it on the snout without having to cast about for his weapon.

The man closed his eyes, and in two and a half moments was asleep.

And Kandy reverted to woman form. There she was, nude, with the man’s hand clamped on her left ankle. The spell was gone!

“Oh!” she exclaimed, gratified.

The sound woke Ease. But as his eyes opened, Kandy was the board.

Seeing nothing, Ease shut his eyes again and reverted to sleep. And Kandy womanformed again.

Now she worked it out: the spell abated only while she was in contact with a sleeping person. When by herself she had been a board, and with Ease awake ditto. When he slept, holding her, she was herself. What torture!

Or was it? He could not grope her or mistreat her or even look at her bare form while asleep. She was safe from the things she had detested. She had wanted a man to get to know her other qualities before orienting on her body. She just hadn’t figured it would happen while she was a board bashing monsters on the snout.

She explored her situation. Because he held her ankle, she was extended halfway over his head. In fact had she remained a woman when he woke, he would have been staring into her pantyless whatever. That would not do.

She folded over to put one hand on his hand at her ankle. She could lift it away, and slide down so that they were face to face. But she would have to make sure they never lost contact.

She drew his hand slowly off her ankle, then held it in hers while she slid down. Now where was she to put it? On her slender leg? On her full thigh? On her plush bottom? Her soft chest? None of these would do. Finally she put it on her back, as if he were dancing with her. That was about the only safe place.

Now what? She was lying next to him, facing him. In fact their faces were close together. Suppose they were to kiss?

Why not? She slowly put her lips to his mouth and kissed him. His breath caught and his hand on her back stiffened, but then he relaxed. She had not awakened him, fortunately.

But that seemed to be the limit. She could touch him, she could kiss him, but anything further might wake him, and then she’d be a board again.

Kandy made a small sigh of frustration. The kiss had been fun; she could get to like Ease if she tried. Then she got an idea as a bulb flashed over her head. She would talk to him.

“Hello, Ease,” she murmured. “I am Kandy, your dream woman. I came to the wishing well to make a wish, but got transformed into a board instead. I hope you aren’t bored with me, hee-hee. Maybe someday I will be able to join you in my natural form and fulfill your wildest dreams. Meanwhile I will be your weapon.”

But what was the point? He was asleep. This was dull. So she closed her eyes and tried to sleep herself. And failed; it seemed that while he slept, she could not. Maybe it was something about the spell, that allowed her to sleep only when she was in board form. She had to be board, or bored.

So she lay awake, irritated by the situation. Why hadn’t the well had the courtesy to let her sleep while reverted?

Then she heard something. It was a faint rustling, as of a mouse in the grass. It came closer. Then she heard another sound, as of something breathing. A serpent! Slithering toward its prey.

“Ease!” she said. “Wake!”

But this time her voice did not awaken him. He was too soundly asleep. Bleep!

So she bit him on the ear.

“Ow!” he exclaimed, waking.

Kandy was the board again, with his hand on her middle. She could say nothing.

Then Ease heard the breathing. He leaped up, sliding his hand down to her ankle. Good thing she was not flesh while he did that!

The serpent came into sight in the moonlight. It was enormous, big enough to swallow a man. Ease reacted immediately. He swung the board at the snake’s snout, just as the head shot forward, fangs bared.

Kandy realized that the board was going to miss the snout and strike the neck. That was no good; the serpent would slither on by and bite the man’s arm. She reacted before she even worked it out mentally, adjusting her course so that she was on target. She smacked into the snout with a satisfying impact.

Surprised, the serpent whipped back. Then, seeing its prey on guard and effectively armed, it slithered rapidly away.

“Good thing I happened to wake in time,” Ease said. “I forgot I wasn’t on an enchanted path. If it hadn’t been for that itch in my ear, it would have had me.”

He didn’t know. Yet how else could it be? He would never believe that a board had nipped his ear.

Still, now she understood why she had to be awake. To keep watch when he was not alert. It did make sense. She had to be satisfied with that.

In due course Ease settled down again. He slept and she womaned. She moved his hand to her back, kissed him, and settled down to listen for the rest of the night. This was not the relationship she would have chosen, but it would do for now.

In the morning Ease woke and went about his morning routine. Kandy was embarrassed to see him catching up on natural functions, but chided herself for her attitude. How else could he survive, without taking care of his body? She herself seemed to have no natural functions while under the spell; she merely existed, like a nymph. There might be some catching up to do at such time as the spell concluded.

Meanwhile she was concluding that she definitely liked Ease. He was a typical somewhat ignorant man, but he did have some manly virtues, like courage. He had not hesitated to bash the serpent. So if she was his perfect woman, he just might be her acceptable man.

Then Ease set out for the Good Magician’s Castle. That was another thing: he had taken her advice. Of course he didn’t know it wasn’t his own thought, but still, she liked this aspect of their relationship. He found an enchanted path and followed it, whistling. There was a network of enchanted paths leading to the important destinations. Travelers on them were safe from molestation by monsters, and shelters were provided. Kandy had on occasion walked an enchanted path herself, appreciating the safety it offered.

At noon Ease came to such a shelter. There was a neat cabin, a pond, and a grove of trees growing shoes, clothes, pillows, and food.

There were also other travelers. A red-haired girl arrived from the opposite direction as Ease approached the cabin. “Hello, handsome human,” she said brightly.

Kandy suffered a spot siege of pointless jealousy. She did not want Ease associating with amenable young women.

“Hello, pretty girl,” he answered. “I am Ease, with a talent of making things easy, on my way to see the Good Magician to find a challenge.”

“I am Cherry Centaur.”

Ease paused. “You don’t look like a centaur.”

She laughed. “I am in human form at the moment. It’s more convenient when traveling among humans.”

“You can change back and forth?”

“Not exactly.”

“Am I missing something?”

“Something,” she agreed. “My complete form is a centaur. But I can separate into my components: a red-haired girl, and a red mare. Sometimes we prefer to have some alone time. She’s more mature than I am, at age fifteen, because mares grow faster than girls. So I go among humans and she ranges the wilderness, running with horses.” She paused, blushing delicately. “I’m not sure what she does with stallions, but she seems to like it.”

“I can tell you,” Ease said. “She--”

STOP!
Kandy thought, interrupting him.
SHE’S UNDERAGE
.

Oops, the dread Adult Conspiracy that relentlessly bound all adults to keep interesting things from children. He had to change course without alarming her. “. . . probably races them, something she can’t do with you, because you’re too slow.”

“That must be it,” Cherry agreed. “She does like to run. Sometimes I ride on her back, before we merge.”

“I’m tired,” Ease said. “I think I’ll take a nap before moving on.”

“Maybe I will too,” Cherry said. “There’s room for two on the bed.”

“Oh. All right.”

UNDERAGE
. He was a man and she was a pretty girl; he needed reminding. The fact that Kandy was jealous was irrelevant, wasn’t it?

“Of course,” he muttered subvocally, not completely pleased by what he thought was his conscience. He lay down and closed his eyes.

Cherry lay down beside him. After a moment she spoke softly. “But if you should happen to want to--”

This time Kandy directed the thought to her.
WHAT PART OF UNDERAGE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

“Oh, fudge, I’m developing a conscience,” Cherry muttered. “Just when I thought I might find out what the Adult Conspiracy is all about.”

So she was not entirely innocent, at least in intention. Kandy knew girls could be like that, because she herself had chafed at the Conspiracy, before she got there and came to understand its rationale. Sometimes children needed to be protected from their innocence, lest they get into more trouble than they knew. But they didn’t like hearing that from adults.

Ease slept. Kandy transformed. She made her maneuver to get his hand on her bare back instead of her ankle. Then she realized that for the first time it was happening in the presence of another person. She could talk to Cherry, tell her about the spell. Then when Ease woke, Cherry could tell him. Then he would know. “Cherry!” she said.

The girl was still awake, but not paying attention. She was staring at the ceiling, still frustrated by her conscience.

“Cherry Centaur,” Kandy repeated.

Still no response.

Annoyed, Kandy projected a thought.
HERE
.

Startled, the girl looked at Ease. “Funny. I thought someone spoke to me. But there’s only him asleep holding that stupid board.”

Kandy realized with a feeling verging on horror that the girl could not see or hear her. She saw only the board.

Then she remembered that she had already concluded that it was better that Ease not know, because she would still be a board, unable to do anything with him. In her excitement she had forgotten that. She needed to break the spell before she told him about it. Now she knew that the spell protected her from accidental exposure, in much the manner the Adult Conspiracy protected children from dealing with storks prematurely.

At least she had discovered that she could project her thoughts to others too, even if those others did not realize the source of those thoughts. That could be useful, limited as it was.

There was the sound of hooves pounding the ground. Cherry sat up. “That’s Red!”

Ease woke. “Who?”

Kandy was the board again, as it seemed she had always been, in appearance.

“Red. My better half. She must be tired of running alone and is coming to merge.”

“Merge,” he agreed, as if thinking of something else.

Cherry got to her feet. “I must go to her.” She walked out of the cabin, removing her clothing as she went.

Ease followed, carrying the board. He was evidently curious about the girl and the mare. So was Kandy.

There was a fine red horse. The color suffused every part of her: head, mane, tail, hooves, and hide. She was a fine looking animal.

“I missed you, Red,” Cherry said, running to hug the horse. Only it wasn’t exactly a hug; the two overlapped, sinking into each other. In a moment they were a single red-maned red-haired centaur. Her body was that of the mare, her upper torso and head that of the girl. She was bare-breasted, as all centaurs were. They had different conventions about clothing.

The centaur turned to Ease. “Thank you for sparing my innocent half,” she said. “She sometimes gets impulsive.” Her face was similar, but her manner quite different, so that she hardly seemed the same.

“I understand,” Ease said, stooping to pick up the girl’s shed clothing. He handed it to the centaur, who packed it away in a saddlebag that seemed to appear from nowhere. “I have a dream girl of my own. She keeps me in line.”