Authors: John Locke
“Thanks, Zander.”
“A great mood, Gideon! See you soon!”
“You got it,” I say, quite pleased to have finally made a good decision when it comes to a female.
I know what you’re thinking.
Something bad’s going to happen at the junk yard.
How did you get to be so jaded?
“I’m not cleanin’ this mess up by myself,” she says.
NOTHING BAD HAPPENS at the junk yard. In fact, something great happens.
Zander’s standing there, waiting for me!
Looking…amazing!
Not in Trudy’s league, mind you, but damn cute.
Nice, tight body, decent face, great hair.
She climbs in the front seat.
“Nice watch,” she says.
“Thanks. It’s a Piaget Altiplano.”
“And it cost more than my house, didn’t it!”
She’s carrying an enormous handbag that appears to be filled with clothes.
“Are we spending the night somewhere?” I ask.
“You never know!” she says, giving me a wink. Then says, “Can I kiss you real quick?”
“Yes, of course. Why?”
“Because I want to!”
“Seriously? That’s great! I just meant, what made you ask that?”
“You know how first dates are. As a guy, you probably spend half the time wondering, ‘Should I kiss her? If so, when? After a couple drinks? After dinner? At the end of the date? In the car? At her doorstep?’ It’s a pain. You might not even get around to kissing me at all because you’re not sure if the moment or the mood’s right.”
She’s right. I never know when to try to kiss someone on the first date. From the slaps alone it’s obvious I guess incorrectly most of the time.
Zander says, “I want to get that part over with, so we can concentrate on the fun.”
“Works for me,” I say.
We kiss right there on the gravel entrance to the local junk yard.
It’s an okay kiss. The kind I’m used to.
The fake kind.
Again, Zander’s not in Trudy’s league. But how many women are?
And how much can I really expect from a first kiss before the first date?
I’m quite pleased to be kissed at all at this point, and the fact she wanted to start in with a kiss gives me high hopes for the date.
“Where’s your car?” I say, looking around.
“I caught a ride,” she says.
“Why?”
She looks down.
Says nothing.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“Why?”
“You’re a rich doctor from New York City. You live in a penthouse. You have a doorman!”
“So?”
“There aren’t any penthouses in Paducah.”
“Of course not.”
“No doormen.”
“So?”
“The truth is, I was ashamed to let you see where I live.”
“Don’t be silly!”
“I’m sorry, Gideon. I just didn’t want you to judge me based on that.”
“I would never do that.”
“Well, maybe later, then.”
“I look forward to it.”
She removes two jugs of wine from her handbag.
“This isn’t what you’re used to, but it’ll loosen me up.”
“Sounds perfect!”
She says, “You’re probably wondering why I covered the wine with clothes.”
“I hadn’t thought about it, actually. But since you brought it up, tell me.”
“McCracken County’s dry.”
“What’s that mean?”
“No alcohol. Paducah’s a wet city in a dry county.”
“So alcohol is allowed?”
“In the city. But if we venture past the city limits we’ll need to keep it hid.”
“That’s crazy.”
“That’s Kentucky,” she says. “New York’s different, I bet.”
“Very. In lots of ways. But there’s something charming about being in small town Kentucky.”
“You are so full of shit!” she says, laughing.
I smile.
She says, “So, you still want to go to the riverbank, get to know each other better?”
“I’d love to.”
“Me too. Can we make a quick stop along the way?”
“Of course.”
I know what you’re thinking.
Something bad’s going to happen when we stop. That is what you’re thinking, right?
“I’m not cleanin’ this mess up by myself,” she says.
I’M IN THE car by myself.
Nothing bad has happened.
Zander has a girlfriend named Chris who works at the local bowling alley. She wanted to swing by, visit with Chris a minute.
“Chris’s husband died recently,” she told me on the way here. “I’m going to invite her to come with us, if that’s okay with you.”
She saw the look on my face and laughed.
“Look at you,” she said. “I was kidding!”
“You were kidding?”
She laughed some more. “Of course! You think I’d drag you all the way here and bring a grieving widow with us to a make-out party?”
“I hope not!”
“It’s too bad you feel that way, because Chris has a huge crush on me and asked if we could have a threesome at her place later tonight.”
“Seriously?”
“Again, I’m kidding. Only this time you didn’t seem as upset. You think I’d share you with another woman? Are you crazy?”
“At this point, I’m not sure what to think.”
“Good. That means I’ve got you right where I want you.”
“Where’s that?”
“Confused.”
“I’m definitely confused,” I say. “So, are we going to the bowling alley or not?”
“We are. At least, I am. I do need to visit Chris. But just for two minutes. And no, she’s not coming with us!”
Zander directed me to the bowling alley, had me pull around to the back of the building, park by the employee parking sign. She got out, knocked on the door, and a young lady opened it, waved at me, then let her in. I remained in the car as directed, and have been here about five minutes.
There are no cars out front, so either it’s a dying business, or they’re not open yet. Chris must have inherited a Ford 150 from her husband’s estate, because that’s the only other car here.
Another five minutes pass quietly, then Zander comes out and climbs in the car.
“Everything okay?” I say.
“Peachy.”
“Good. How do I get to the make-out spot?”
She laughs. “You mean the riverbank?”
“Yeah.”
“Keep going straight till I tell you to turn.”
I follow her directions.
Ten minutes later, we’re one of a dozen cars on the side of the levy, angled nose-down, toward the river.
“We’re not alone,” I say.
“In two hours there’ll be thirty cars and trucks here. People come from miles around.”
“To drink?” I say.
“Drink and fuck,” she says.
“I like it.”
She opens a jug of wine, tilts it to her mouth, swallows three times, then hands it to me and smiles.
“Now you drink some, so we’ll taste the same.”
I take three sips.
It’s rancid. Like someone started with a bad jug of wine and pissed in it to improve the flavor. But I’m careful not to wince. I don’t want to offend this young, good-looking girl while parked in a sacred place where people come from miles around to drink and fuck.
She takes another chug, then leans over, kisses me, and says, “How far does this seat recline?”
“I’m not cleanin’ this mess up by myself,” she says.
IT’S A RENTAL car, so I have no idea how far the driver’s seat reclines. Nor do I know which button makes it happen. So I start pressing buttons like crazy till I find the right one. When I do, I hold it down till the seat stops moving. By then it’s touching the back seat.
“Lie back and close your eyes,” she says.
“What are you planning?” I ask.
“You’ll see, soon enough.”
I know what you’re thinking.
But who cares? Just let it happen, okay?
“I’m not cleanin’ this mess up by myself,” she says.
ZANDER UNBUCKLES MY belt, pulls my pants down to my ankles.
“There goes your first line of defense,” she says. “Now all that’s between your body and my mouth is your underwear.”
“What if someone walks over to the car?” I say. “Or pulls up beside us?”
“That won’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“People around here carry guns. You sneak up on another car, you’re begging for bullets.”
“You’re sure?”
“Trust me. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember!”
This seems too good to be true.
I’ll grant you that.
But remember, I hand-picked these women because they claimed to be sex-obsessed.
You might think Faith Hemphill was a bust, but she had a sexual plan for me that included introductions and an aphrodisiac. I declined her advances. True, Faith’s appearance was shabbier in person than online, and Zander’s exactly as she appeared online. But is it that big a stretch to believe Zander might find me attractive enough to offer a blow job so quickly?
I hear a sound, like she’s rummaging around in her handbag.
“Keep your eyes closed,” she says.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for a condom.”
“You won’t need that.”
“I won’t, huh?”
“I’m clean. Seriously.”
“You know how many times I’ve heard that?”
No. And I don’t want to. But now that the thought has been placed indelibly in my head, I can’t shake it. It’s like telling someone not to picture a banana, or a giraffe.
There’s no way around it.
Images and questions flood my brain. How many guys has she blown on the riverbank? Has she been treated for STDs? How many times? Sobering thought: oral sex is a pipeline for gonorrhea and herpes. Does Zander have herpes? Aids?
My eyes are still closed, and I’m trying my best to ignore the doubts in my mind, but I’m suddenly feeling a lot more room in my underwear than there was a moment ago.
Zander notices it too.
“What’s happened?” she says.
I open my eyes, lift my head slightly as she does what I wanted her to do seconds ago, except that now it’s humiliating.
She pulls my underwear down.
But instead of caressing my manhood, she stares at it.
And frowns.
I shake my head, trying to will myself larger. I close my eyes. Lie back. Try to think sexy thoughts.
But all I can think is how she’s staring at me, wondering where my dick went.
“Gideon?” she says.
“I’m working on it,” I say, but we both know it’s a lost cause.
She waits patiently for minutes while I strain to achieve an erection. But I’ve killed the mood. To her it’s as romantic as waiting for her constipated grandfather to push a pellet into the toilet at the old folks’ home.
“Maybe if you touch it,” I say.
She sighs.
I wish she hadn’t sighed. Now I feel like a charity case.
God, I hate myself sometimes!
I had it made!
She uttered one lousy comment about wanting to use a condom, and I suddenly imagine all sorts of terrible things about her. What the hell is my problem? Did I think I was her first?
I sit up.
We look at each other.
This is as awkward as it gets.
“Maybe you just need to pee,” she says, cheerfully.
Bless her heart! She’s given me a graceful exit. I can pee, or pretend to, regain my composure, come back aroused, ready to roll. She understands this.
“Is there a bathroom nearby?” I ask, pulling up my pants.
She points to a stand of trees a hundred yards away and says, “Boys go there.” Then she uses her thumb to indicate a spot behind us and says, “Girls use the bushes on the other side of the hill.”
“Do you need to go?” I say. “I’ll be glad to wait for you.”
“I’m trying to decide if I need to or not.”
She closes her eyes a second, then says, “I think I’m okay. I used the bathroom at the bowling alley a little while ago.”
“Okay, then,” I say. “I’ll be back in three minutes.”
“You want to take the keys with you?”
It dawns on me for the first time the car’s been running since we parked. I check the temperature gauge. It’s fine.
“I don’t want you to get too hot,” I say. Then laugh.
“What?”
“Wouldn’t it be funny if you stole my car?”
“No. It would be terrible. And why wouldn’t the thought cross your mind? You don’t know me that well. You should take your keys. I’ll be fine till you get back.”
“I trust you completely,” I say.
“Thanks, Gideon. That deserves a kiss!” she says.
I kiss her and say, “Thanks, Zander.”
“For?”
“You know.”
She smiles. “Hey. It can happen to anyone. We’ll make up for it in round two.”
I kiss her again, then get out of the car to pee. It takes a minute to find a secluded area, which I need, because I actually do have to piss. Guess I was too excited to notice.
Halfway back to the car I can already tell she’s gone.
She’s either bailed out on the date or decided to pee after all.
I go with the good thought. After all, she could have stolen my car, and didn’t.
She’s gone up the hill to pee. I’m sure of it.
Otherwise, why give me all that encouragement, and offer a kiss? If she planned to bail, she’d just bail.
Back in the car I consider pressing the button to raise the seat, but decide against it because I want to be ready when Zander returns.
I’m more comfortable with the riverbank scene now. I think part of my problem was worrying someone was going to walk up on us, despite Zander’s reassurance to the contrary. But as I look around I can see that all the cars and trucks are maintaining a respectful distance from each other.
I lie back and close my eyes. Try to imagine Zander naked, but it’s not helping me. She hasn’t given me enough to go on yet, nudity-wise, so I let my thoughts drift to Trudy Lake. I didn’t see her naked, either, but I touched her partially and she touched me thoroughly. I remind myself I had no problem staying erect with Trudy working the controls.
These thoughts of Trudy are doing the trick. I allow my hand to graze my crotch.