Breaking Even (32 page)

I look at him, feeling hope slip away. “So you had that with Mom but lost it?”

He frowns as he looks down. “I had it with her, but she didn’t have it with me. She loved me, but she didn’t love me like that. Even before she got sick, she never loved me like I loved her. But I took what I could get because I knew what I felt for her was rare. It’s even rarer if you find someone who feels that way about you. It’s a beautiful thing that slips through your fingers if you aren’t paying attention. And believe me when I say it’s hard to ever find again.”

I lean over and prop my elbows on my knees as I try to absorb his words. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to speak about my mother without feeling knots packed with anger. But my body is relaxed and that odd new peace is still coursing through me.

“Brin felt the same way. I don’t know if she still does, but she felt it. And she had to hold it back because she was worried about pushing me away. She kept giving, and I did nothing in return. I filled her full of angst and constant confusion. As shitty as it feels for me, maybe I did her a favor.”

He frowns as he looks over at me, but then he turns his face back straight. “If she felt that way about you, then I doubt you’re doing her any favors by pushing her away. Because I can assure you a feeling like that doesn’t disappear very quickly. She still feels that way about you. Probably always will. If you give it up, you’ll chase that feeling for the rest of your life, but it’s really unlikely that you’ll ever find it again.”

Drama. I’ve tried to avoid it for so long, but right now, it’s in my every path, no matter which direction I go.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “No one ever is. And you get there with someone; you don’t get there by yourself. If you’re waiting until you’re ready, you’ll die waiting.”

I actually let that sink in, fully digesting that thought.

“What should I do?” I ask quietly when it all seems overwhelming.

His lip quivers again, and he’s forced to wipe a tear away from his cheek while clearing his throat. This is the first time I’ve ever asked for his advice.

“I think you know what to do, and I pray you make the right decision. I’ve always held out hope for you. You’re on the right path to recovery. Finally. I just hope you don’t wait too long. Life’s too short. Misery is eternal if you allow it to be.”

Life is too short. It’s a cliché line that almost everyone uses. I’ve heard it all my life, yet it’s never struck a nerve until this moment.

Misery. Not anger. No anger at all. Just misery. Painful, heart-wrenching, soul-stealing misery.

“When’s the last time you saw the girl?” he asks, turning his head to look at me.

“Four days ago,” I mutter shamefully.

I had a chance to try and get her back, and I know she would have caved after I brought her car home. But I didn’t want to use that against her. After meeting her sorry excuse for an ex, I don’t blame her for expecting more. She deserves it. I’ve always known that she deserves more, but I never thought I’d be able to give it to her.

But the smile she gave me when I showed up with her car... I wish I could see her smile like that every day. I doubt she knows about the fact her credit card debt is paid off. And I don’t want her to know. Yet.

She might kick my ass over that one.

“You’re smiling,” Dad says, and I turn to see the tears in his eyes as his own smile forms.

My grin only grows as I think about Brin’s temper, her feisty attitude, and her smile that is only reserved me. No one else sees that smile. They only get the generic smile that she gives everyone. She has a special one for me.

The misery ebbs with every good thought. She’s the misery. It’s all her. Not this. Not my dad. Not my mom. Not my guilt. It’s Brin that’s making me feel this shitty. She stole the place of my anger and replaced it with her own miserable trap. Ah, hell.

“I need to go. I’ve got something that needs to be done,” I tell him, and he nods knowingly as I stand.

The first thing I need to do is make a phone call, but as I look at my phone, fucking Hillary Barns’s name is flashing across my screen. Shit. I forgot I’m supposed to be having lunch with her to discuss Tag’s party since Ash hates the woman.

I’ll make my call after I make up some bullshit reason for being late.

***

BRIN

I pick up my phone the second I see Ash’s name. If she’s calling to set me up on a date, I’m going to hang myself.

“Do not mention a date,” I grumble by way of answering, and she huffs.

“I’m calling about Tag’s party Saturday. You’re still coming, aren’t you?”

This does not fit in with my plan to avoid Rye. Since he brought my car home, he seems to be avoiding me. If he’s avoiding me, then I need to avoid him.

I think.

Maybe.

Ah, hell. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Up means down, stop means go, front means back... Everything is so confusing around him. Now not even my own head makes sense anymore.

He’s stolen my sanity. Yep. It’s gone.

“No. Not this time. Sorry, Ash. I’ll try to make the next party.”

I can actually hear her pouting from the other side of the phone as I cross the street to go to the drycleaners.

“I have a date for you. It’s not going to be awkward. I can promise Rye will be on his best behavior if you’re worried about seeing him.”

“No,” I groan. Relentless matchmaker. Terrible, terrible matchmaker.

When I finally reach the other side of the street, my eyes lift up, and my heart sinks to my toes, cementing me to my spot on the sidewalk. Rye is about fifty feet away, and he’s not alone.

On the patio of a restaurant, he’s smiling and eating with a woman. And she’s leaning over, touching his arm, and biting on her lip very suggestively.

Sick. I’m so, so, sick.

I knew it would happen eventually, but I really didn’t expect it to happen just now. This soon. Four days ago he went and punched my ex on his way to get my car. Now he’s here. With her. A woman more suited for him than I ever was.

“Brin? You still there?” Ash prompts as I stare mindlessly at Rye.

He moves his arm from her grasp only to grab a bite of the dessert in front of him. He stands and moves toward a waiter, and I just watch. I watch as he talks to the guy and grabs the check. I watch as he hands him cash. And I watch as he returns to say something to the woman who stands.

I don’t watch him touch her, because I turn away from the sight and move toward my car again, abandoning my mission to collect my dry-cleaning.

“Brin?” Ash prompts again.

“Go ahead and set me up,” I murmur softly, holding back the onslaught of tears that are beating against the backs of my eyes.

“O...kay. Um... Great. I’ll see you in two days.”

I don’t say anything as I make it back to my car, and I hang up the phone. Once I drop to the seat, I put my head on the steering wheel, and I listen to the roar of a familiar engine. I look up just in time to meet his eyes, and he brings the bike to an abrupt halt.

Once upon a time I was a plain girl in an unimpressive car that no one ever noticed. But this man sees me even when I try to hide.

He pulls into the spot behind me, and I contemplate gassing my car and speeding down the street. But there are too many crosswalks, so a speedy getaway wouldn’t work out.

He pulls his helmet off and walks around to my window that I reluctantly roll down. He drops down to where he can see in, and I force a smile.

“Hey,” he says softly. “You just get into town?”

“I need to go the drycleaners,” I tell him, keeping my lips sealed about the leggy brunette I just saw him with.

“I’ll walk you,” he says while opening my door.

Shit.

“I can walk myself,” I grumble, but he ignores me.

Just as we go to cross the street, his date comes riding by in her Mercedes, slowing down as she approaches. I really want back in my car.

“See you at Tag’s party,” she says with a smile.

He nods and puts his hand on the small of my back as she drives off, and he guides me across the street. I don’t speak. Nothing would come out very friendly right now.

“That’s Hillary Barns,” he says, even though I didn’t ask.

I don’t want to know anything about her.

“She’s pretty,” I mumble, trying and failing to not sound bitter.

“Pretty what?” he asks, rousing my curiosity and prompting me to look up just as he looks down. “Pretty annoying? Pretty vain? Pretty odious?”

I want to laugh, but I’m too confused.

“She seems like your type.” The words are out of my mouth before I realize it, and I start to apologize, but he shrugs and speaks before I can.

“Not my type at all. I had to meet with her to finalize the plans for Tag’s party. I’ve had to meet with her three times now, and every time she tries to touch... things.” He shudders and I almost laugh. “It’s exhausting to constantly find polite ways to escape her grasp. I’ll be glad when this damn party is over. You coming?”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

She wasn’t his date? Double shit. I told Ash I’d go on a date.

“Yeah. Ash was going to set me up with someone, but—”

“That’s good. Probably George Carpenter. Nice guy.”

He pauses in front of the drycleaners as I choke on my heart that has flown from my feet to my mouth and back down to the pit of my stomach. He wants me to go out on a date with someone else. And he’s not the least bit jealous.

“Oh,” I say, unable to keep the disappointment out of my tone.

He looks around and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I have to go, but I’ll see you at Tag’s party.”

That’s two days away. And he wants me to go with a date. This day sucks.

***

BRIN

“I could show up for moral support,” Maggie says as I walk toward the back gate of Tag’s enormous home.

It’s a pool party tonight. They have a heated pool that battles the cold—which is good, since there has been a chill at night. I chose the sexiest bikini I could find, to hell with it all.

“I may call you if things get bad. Or if I get drunk,” I grumble, and she chuckles lightly.

I hang up before putting my phone away, and I take a deep, calming breath while heading into the party. Brazenly, I only wore my bikini and a tiny, see-through sarong. Oh, and of course my flip-flops.

When I walk through the gate, I cringe noticeably. Dresses? Every single girl here is wearing a damn dress—and there are a lot of girls. Really?

I almost want to stomp my foot right now. I know she said
pool
party. And she meant it literally—I asked.

“Damn,” Ethan drawls as he walks over to me, tilting his head as his eyes rake over my very, very exposed body. “This is going to be interesting,” he adds, looking around as though he’s searching for someone.

I could die.

He’s wearing his swimming trunks and no shirt, revealing the fact that he has almost as many tattoos as Rye. It seems that only the guys are dressed to swim. All the girls are dressed to kill.

Ash comes up behind him, and her eyes widen in surprise when she sees me. “Wow. Love that bikini,” she says, eyeing the small red shards of my top that give an eyeful.

Her eyes trail down to the see-through red sarong that stops mid-thigh, and comes up to my waist on the other side. The black bikini bottoms have red strings that tie the sides together, making it a little skimpier. But with everyone else all dressed up, I don’t look sexy; I look trashy.

“You said pool party,” I hiss, and she bites back a grin.

“It is a pool party. I don’t know the rules on swimming while pregnant. Rain doesn’t know how to swim. And the other girls don’t want to get their hair wet since it’s a little chilly. Sorry,” she says, sounding sincere.

“You need to start sending out a dress code for your parties,” I growl.

Ethan laughs while walking away, and I huff all the way to the bar, putting my purse on top. I can’t help but scan the place for Rye, but I don’t see him.

“Where’s my illusive date?” I ask mildly when Ash walks up and takes a virgin daiquiri from the bartender.

“He’s here somewhere. He was just out here.” Her eyes scan the party, but she smiles over my shoulder just as two familiar arms wrap around my waist. “Ah. There he is.”

My heart does a few flips as I turn around in the large, toned arms to see Rye smiling down at me. He looks over my bikini, and I try to ignore the sexy tattoos all over his bare skin. His low trunks hang on his hips, exposing that ripple of muscles that form that sexy V.

“You’re my date?” I ask hopefully, looking back up to meet his golden brown eyes.

His smile melts all the barriers around my heart as he winks at me. “You didn’t really think I’d let you come to be with someone else, did you?”

Relief pumps through my veins, and I slide my hand up his chest as he grips my bare sides and fully appraises my attire.

“Fucking perfect,” he says with a grin that only grows. “I knew you’d show up dressed properly, and I’ve been looking forward to the big reveal.”

I grin bashfully while leaning into him, and he bends to kiss my forehead. “So you schemed to get a date?” I ask softly, trying not to melt.

His hair gets ruffled by the fingertips of the wind, and he bends low to press a sweet kiss to my lips.

“I did. And I have something to show you when we leave here. But for now, let’s just enjoy a date.”

I really don’t want to read too much into his words, but for tonight, there’s nothing I’d rather do than be his date. To hell with the consequences. I’m ready to take what I can get when I can get it at this point, because I miss him too damn much.

His arm drops to be around my shoulders, and I can’t wipe away my grin. He worked hard for this date, and it makes it feel as though maybe there really is hope for us. I almost feel like I can breathe again, and for the first time since we ended things, I don’t feel like crying. Which is such a relief.

“Let’s swim,” he says, even though no one else is in the water.

“I’ll look like an even bigger idiot than I already do. No other girl is swimming.”