Authors: Brian Friel

Brian Friel Plays 2 (9 page)

Chris
Yes.

Gerry
Lucky man.

Chris
Yes.

Gerry
uses
the
cane
as
a
golf
club
and
swings.

Gerry
Must take up some exercise. Putting on too much weight.

Kate
He’s not still there, is he?

Maggie
Yes.

Kate
Doing what, in God’s name?

Maggie
Talking.

Kate
Would someone please tell me what they have to say to each other?

Maggie
He’s Michael’s father, Kate.

Kate
That’s a responsibility never burdened Mr Evans.

Chris
A commercial traveller called into Kate’s school last Easter. He had met you somewhere in Dublin. He had some stupid story about you giving dancing lessons up there.

Gerry
He was right.

Chris
He was not, Gerry!

Gerry
Cross the old ticker.

Chris
Real lessons?

Gerry
All last winter.

Chris
What sort of dancing?

Gerry
Strictly ballroom. You’re the one should have been giving them – you were always far better than me. Don’t you remember? (
He
does
a
quick
step
and
a
pirouette.
) Oh, that was fun while it lasted. I enjoyed that.

Chris
And people came to you to be taught?

Gerry
Don’t look so surprised! Everybody wants to dance. I had thousands of pupils – millions!

Chris
Gerry –

Gerry
Fifty-three. I’m a liar. Fifty-one. And when the good weather came, they all drifted away. Shame, really. Yes, I enjoyed that. But I’ve just started a completely new career, as a matter of interest. Never been busier. Gramophone salesman. Agent for the whole country, if you don’t mind. ‘Minerva Gramophones – The Wise Buy’.

Chris
Sounds good, Gerry.

Gerry
Fabulous. All I have to do is get the orders and pass them on to Dublin. A big enterprise, Chrissie; oh, one very big enterprise.

Chris
And it’s going all right for you?

Gerry
Unbelievable. The wholesaler can’t keep up with me. Do you see this country? This country is gramophone crazy. Give you an example. Day before yesterday; just west of Oughterard; spots this small house up on the side
of a hill. Something seemed just right about it – you know? Off the bike; up the lane; knocks. Out comes this enormous chappie with red hair – what are you laughing at?

Chris
Gerry –

Gerry
I promise you. I show him the brochures; we talk about them for ten minutes; and just like that he takes four – one for himself and three for the married daughters.

Chris
He took four gramophones?

Gerry
Four brochures!

They
both
laugh.

But he’ll buy. I promise you he’ll buy. Tell you this, Chrissie: people thought gramophones would be a thing of the past when radios came in. But they were wrong. In my experience … Don’t turn round; but he’s watching us from behind that bush.

Chris
Michael?

Gerry
Pretend you don’t notice. Just carry on. This all his stuff?

Chris
He’s making kites if you don’t mind.

Gerry
Unbelievable. Got a glimpse of him down at the foot of the lane. He is just enormous.

Chris
He’s at school, you know.

Gerry
Never! Wow-wow-wow-wow. Since when?

Chris
Since Christmas. Kate got him in early.

Gerry
Fabulous. And he likes it?

Chris
He doesn’t say much.

Gerry
He loves it. He adores it. They all love school
nowadays. And he’ll be brilliant at school. Actually I intended bringing him something small –

Chris
No, no; his aunts have him –

Gerry
Just a token, really. As a matter of interest I was looking at a bicycle in Kilkenny last Monday. But they only had it in blue and I thought black might be more – you know – manly. They took my name and all. Call next time I’m down there. Are you busy yourself?

Chris
Oh, the usual – housework – looking after his lordship.

Gerry
Wonderful.

Chris
Give Agnes and Rose a hand at their knitting. The odd bit of sewing. Pity you don’t sell sewing-machines.

Gerry
That’s an idea! Do the two jobs together! Make an absolute fortune. You have the most unbelievable business head, Chrissie. Never met anything like it.

She
laughs.

What are you laughing at?

Maggie
You should see the way she’s looking at him – you’d think he was the biggest toff in the world.

Kate
Tinker, more likely! Loafer! Wastrel!

Maggie
She knows all that, too.

Kate
Too? That’s all there is.

Maggie
Come over till you see them, Agnes.

Agnes
Not just now.

Gerry
You’d never guess what I met on the road out from the town. Talk about good luck! A cow with a single horn coming straight out of the middle of its forehead.

Chris
You never did!

Gerry
As God is my judge. Walking along by itself. Nobody near it.

Chris
Gerry –

Gerry
And just as I was passing it, it stopped and looked me straight in the eye.

Chris
That was no cow you met – that was a unicorn.

Gerry
Go ahead and mock. A unicorn has the body of a horse. This was a cow – a perfectly ordinary brown cow except that it had a single horn just here. Would I tell you a lie?

Chris
laughs.

Go ahead. Laugh. But that’s what I saw. Wasn’t that a spot of good luck?

Chris
Was it?

Gerry
A cow with a single horn? Oh, yes, that must be a good omen. How many cows like that have you ever met?

Chris
Thousands. Millions.

Gerry
Stop that! I’m sure it’s the only one in Ireland; maybe the only one in the world. And I met it on the road to Ballybeg. And it winked at me.

Chris
You never mentioned that.

Gerry
What?

Chris
That it winked at you.

Gerry
Unbelievable. That’s what made it all so mysterious. Oh, yes, that must be a fabulous omen. Maybe this week I’m going to sell a gramophone or two after all.

Chris
But I thought you –?

Gerry
Look! A single magpie! That’s definitely a bad omen – one for sorrow. (
using
his
stick
as
a
gun
)
Bang! Missed. (
mock
serious
)
Where’s my lucky cow? Come back, brown cow, come back!

They
both
laugh.

Kate
They’re not
still
talking, are they?

Maggie
Laughing. She laughs all the time with him. D’you hear them, Aggie?

Agnes
Yes.

Kate
Laughing? Absolutely beyond my comprehension.

Agnes
Like so many things, Kate.

Kate
Two more minutes and Mr Evans is going to talk to me. Laughing? Hah!

Gerry
Thinking of going away for a while, Chrissie.

Chris
Where to?

Gerry
But I’ll come back to say goodbye first.

Chris
Are you going home to Wales?

Gerry
Wales isn’t my home any more. My home is here – well, Ireland. To Spain – as a matter of interest. Just for a short while.

Chris
To sell gramophones?

Gerry
Good God, no! (
Laughs.
)
You’ll never believe this – to do a spot of fighting. With the International Brigade. A company leaves in a few weeks. Bit ridiculous, isn’t it? But you know old Gerry when the blood’s up – bang-bang-bang! – missing everybody.

Chris
Are you serious?

Gerry
Bit surprised myself – as a matter of interest.

Chris
What do you know about Spain?

Gerry
Not a lot. A little. Enough, maybe. Yes, I know enough. And I thought I should try my hand at something worthy for a change. Give Evans a Big Cause and he won’t let you down. It’s only everyday stuff he’s not successful at. Anyhow I’ve still to enlist … He’s still watching us. He thinks we don’t see him. I wouldn’t mind talking to him.

Chris
He’s a bit shy.

Gerry
Naturally. And I’m a stranger to him practically … does he know my name?

Chris
Of course he knows your name.

Gerry
Good. Thanks. Well, maybe not so good. He’s a very handsome child. With your eyes. Lucky boy.

‘Dancing
in
the
Dark
’
softly
from
the
radio.

Maggie
Good for you, Aggie. What did you do to it?

Agnes
I didn’t touch it.

Kate
Turn that thing off, Aggie, would you?

Agnes
does
not.

Gerry
You have a gramophone! I could have got it for you wholesale.

Chris
It’s a wireless set.

Gerry
Oh, very posh.

Chris
It doesn’t go half the time. Aggie says it’s a heap of junk.

Gerry
I know nothing about radios but I’ll take a look at it if you –

Chris
Some other time. When you come back.

Pause.

Gerry
And Agnes is well?

Chris
Fine – fine.

Gerry
Of all your sisters Agnes was the one that seemed to object least to me. Tell her I was asking for her.

Chris
I’ll tell her.

They
listen
to
the
music.

Gerry
Good tune.

Suddenly
he
takes
her
in
his
arms
and
dances.

Chris
Gerry –

Gerry
Don’t talk.

Chris
What are you at?

Gerry
Not a word.

Chris
Oh God, Gerry –

Gerry
Shhh.

Chris
They’re watching us.

Gerry
Who is?

Chris
Maggie and Aggie. From the kitchen window.

Gerry
Hope so. And Kate.

Chris
And Father Jack.

Gerry
Better still! Terrific!

He
suddenly
swings
her
round
and
round
and
dances
her
lightly,
elegantly
across
the
garden.
As
he
does
he
sings
the
song
to
her.