Authors: Elizabeth Sade
A
lexa was standing there
, Jill by her side. “Sorry,” Alexa said, looking away and bending down, picking up her fork. “I dropped it.”
Jill looked ready to murder him, whereas Alexa just looked ready to break. Isaac's heart broke. Why did she look so devastated? Had she heard the conversation? It looked like she had. Jill, too. She looked shocked, then angry.
“Hello,” Garrick said, his voice nonchalant. Like she didn’t matter. She was just a bug on his shoe.
Isaac could've murdered him, but he had to appear dismissive, had to appear like it didn't matter. They were just friends, after all. That was the story he had to sell. “Here to check up on me?” He winked at Alexa and then turned back to Garrick, a self-satisfied, cocky smirk on his face. He had to tone up the asshole, the charming, cocky doctor who got any woman he wanted.
The person he had been, before she had come into his life.
“Garrick, this is Alexa Matthews. She’s the lawyer we were talking about.” He turned to look at Alexa, a roguish, charming smile on his face. “Apparently there’s a rumor going around the hospital that we’re dating.” He laughed, a light, carefree laugh.
Her face was like stone, but she smiled a jerky expression. “That’s ridiculous.”
Jill said nothing, glancing between the two of them. “Isn’t it?” Isaac said. “Alexa, this is Garrick, a senior partner in the ER.” He wanted to let his mask fall, beg her to understand. But he couldn’t. Like all doctors, Garrick was good at reading people.
Then, a calmness seemed to come over her face, a determination. “Hello,” she said, her voice steely. She reached out and shook Garrick's hand. “Nice to meet you.”
Isaac looked at her, uneasiness threatening to break him. He didn't recognize that voice but didn't expect it to bode good things. It felt - brittle. Hopeless. Like the good had been sucked from the world. He had never seen her that blank, that - breakable. What did that mean? What did it mean for her, for them?
She smiled at him, but it wasn't a proper smile, it was full of ice. It sent shivers down his spine. “If you two will excuse me, I have to get ready for court,” she said sweetly. The look she sent Isaac was full of venom, betrayal. He felt like he had just taken an ice bath, like he was so cold he would never warm up again. He had screwed up. Majorly.
He had to find her. He had to explain. He swallowed, smiled and nodded. “It was nice to see you,” he said professionally. “I have those case files you asked for, and I’ll drop them off when I’m done here.” He then turned back to Garrick, to the conversation. He could pretend to be unaffected when Alexa walked off. When Jill shot him a dark look, professionalism be damned, and then stalked off after her. No, none of that mattered, not when he had more important things to worry about. He wouldn’t let her be slandered because of him.
He hated it, hated how Alexa and Jill had looked at him. He had done his best. He had saved her. Hadn’t he? He swallowed despite the lump in his throat and smiled at Garrick. Hated how easily they resumed the conversation, how nothing seemed to have changed at all. But it really had, in a way. Isaac had screwed up, upset Alexa royally.
He had to explain.
“I’ve got to go,” he said, glancing at his phone.
Garrick narrowed his eyes.
“I need sleep before my shift tonight.” Isaac kept his smile cool.
“You did well. Keep up the good work.” Garrick nodded at him and then stood and left.
That was the admin. All talk, no use.
He headed straight up to Alexa’s office. He had to find her. He had to explain.
A
lexa had said
she was headed to court, but she hadn’t had her briefcase with her. Isaac wanted to set things right, wanted to make sure that she understood what had happened. Why he had done what he did. He didn't want to see that look on her face ever again. He wanted to kiss it off and keep it gone.
When he went to her office, Jill was there glowering at him. Before she could say anything, Alexa appeared. Her face was like stone, pale and shaky. The anger that he had seen had faded, replaced with some sort of resignation.
He looked at her, his heart beating oddly. “Can we talk?”
Alexa looked at him, looked weary. “Here probably isn't the best place,” she said. She glanced at the time. “And I’ve got court.”
His heart thumped erratically in his chest. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. “Give me a chance?” he asked.
She looked at him, considered. Looked around. “I'm glad you're here to drop off those files,” she said, her voice louder. She nodded to him, a mechanical smile on her face. Then she led him to her office. They closed the door, something routine when it came to discussing sensitive medical information.
Then she turned to look at him, her eyebrows raised. “What do you want?” she asked dully.
Isaac studied her. “Are you okay?”
There was a hint of something on her face, a flash of denial almost, before it disappeared. “Yes,” she said. “Why wouldn't I be?”
He narrowed his eyes. She said she was relaxed, but her body language was tense, defensive. She was like a family member in the ER, waiting for the shoe to fall, to hear that their loved one had passed. “You look like you're about to stab me,” he said.
She let out a short laugh.
“Look, you know why I said what I did in the cafeteria, right?” She looked at him, her face betraying hint of surprise – and hurt. Was she hurt because he doubted her? Or was she hurt because she thought he thought she was stupid?
“Of course,” she said, sounding surprised. “You’re not actually interested in dating me.”
He looked at her, his eyebrows raising. “That's not what I meant,” he said, incredulous. She shook her head, and there was that grating smile that got under his skin. “Alexa, I had to say what I did -”
“But it's the truth,” she said, her voice almost triumphant.
He was starting to get angry now, he could feel the irritation simmering through him. She wasn’t listening. His eyes were cold when he looked at her. “It’s not.” She was joking, she had to be. But she didn’t seem to believe him. There was no warmth left in her eyes.
She looked at him, and there was pity on her face. Pity and something else - he wasn't sure what it was yet. “You're saying that because you want to keep sleeping with me so you don't have to find somebody new.”
It sounded so simple, in a way. That he was just a manwhore who didn’t want to find a new, willing body. “You’re being ridiculous,” he said, gritting his teeth. “Let me tell you why.”
She was shaking her head before he'd even finish talking. “More lies,” she said, taunting. Biting.
“Why won't you believe me?” Isaac asked, anger making him light-headed.
She looked at him, shook her head. “Because it's not true,” she said. “You just don't want me to leave you.”
“You’re being ridiculous!” he shouted, slamming a hand out onto the filing cabinet and cornering her behind her desk.
She went still, oh so still, and the blood drained from her face.
Isaac’s heart stopped, which was a miracle considering how fast it was beating. Oh God. Oh God, he had just lost control, and he had done the worst thing possible –
“Get out of my office.” Her voice was quiet, shaky.
“Alexa –”
“Get out.”
“Look,” he said. He kept his voice low, cautious. Spoke slowly, clearly. “I had to tell him that because I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want the department to know.”
Her eyes flared and he took a step back. “Get. Out.” She took a deep breath. “I don't want to see you anymore,” she said politely.
Isaac ground his teeth together. “We have to work together.”
“We do,” she allowed. “Outside of that, I don't think I want to see you.”
Isaac slammed his hand on the table, his temper flaring out of control. “I am not lying to you,” he said, his teeth gritted.
She took a deep breath, her eyes flat. Cold. “If you don’t get out right this second, I’m calling security.” She picked up her phone, her fingers poised over the buttons.
She looked at him, her eyes ice cold. There was absolutely nothing left there for him.
“Please.” He tried one last time, tried to get her to listen.
Nothing changed. Her face didn’t even twitch.
Well, fine. “You never mattered to me,” he spat out, anger and frustrating surging through his veins. If she didn't need him, wouldn’t listen to him, he didn't need her. It was a simple as that. He knew he shouldn't have, he should've resisted the impulse to hurt her.
But he was hurting and he didn't know what to do about it.
Her eyes met his for a split second, her mask breaking. The hurt in them made him feel sick, made any triumph he had felt from cutting her down sour in his stomach. He shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have given in to his frustration and anger. But he couldn’t take them back now. Besides, she didn’t want to listen anyway. She wouldn’t listen.
He took a deep breath, held his head high and left her office. He didn't think about it, didn't want to deal with it. It was over, anyways. They could be professional, they could deal with work.
It was over. And he was fine with that.
But why did he feel like he was falling apart?
T
he moment Alexa
heard Isaac leave, walk out of the door, Jill’s head popped into her office. Jill had coffee in her hand, and absently, Alexa wondered when she had taken the time to sneak over to the coffee shop. But regardless, she didn't care about the why or the when. She just cared about the coffee that Jill handed her.
“So it's over?” Jill asked, her voice soft.
“Yeah,” Alexa said faintly. “I think it had been for a while.” Her pulse was thudding loudly in her ears, the adrenaline that surged through her making her light headed and dizzy. She sank into her chair, her breath catching like a sob in her chest.
He didn’t want her. He had never wanted her. She had been easy, convenient.
Jill studied her face. “I'm sorry,” she said softly.
Alexa smiled warmly at her, tried to control the shaking of her hands as she drank the coffee. But it was difficult, difficult to forget about everything that happened.
Isaac throwing her words in her face.
He and Garrick laughing about how easy it had been to delude the goody-goody lawyer into believing that Isaac actually liked her.
Alexa’s cheeks burned with shame. She had fallen for it. She had showed herself to him, bared all of her scars. She had trusted him. And he had betrayed that trust. He was just like Damien, except this time she wouldn’t let him get close enough to hurt her. Not again. It was like high school all over again. Mark being nice to her, getting her to trust him, revealing her secrets.
And then he raped her and told everyone about it. She became the town slut, and she had done nothing to deserve it.
Isaac was doing the exact same thing.
She took another sip of coffee. It burned as it went down her throat, and she relished in it. Her phone buzzed, and she glanced at it with her heart beating fast. She had court soon.
Or not.
It had been postponed again, to three weeks in the future. Her afternoon, her evening, were free. Good. That meant she could move ‘go home and cry yourself to sleep’ further up on her agenda.
“This is good,” she said, nodding to the coffee.
Jill had a faint smile on her face. “It should be,” she said. “It's your favorite.”
Alexa looked at her in surprise, frazzled from everything that had happened. “Thank you,” she said finally.
Jill stood there, uncertainty on her face. It worked well, because Alexa didn't know what to say either.
“I guess I'm free this weekend,” Alexa said finally.
Jill looked at her, sad. “That's one way to put it,” she said.
Alexa stared at the far wall, not able to focus on her work. “Do you want to get a drink?” she asked Jill finally, giving up on focusing for the time being.
“Let’s go.” Jill stood, left her office, grabbed her purse.
Alexa chugged the rest of her coffee, tossed it in the trash. “I’ll be out in a few minutes, okay?”
Jill studied her for a moment, then nodded and closed the door behind her as she headed out to her desk.
Alexa took a shaky breath, her pulse thrumming faster under her skin. Isaac had gotten to her, gotten into her marrow. She couldn't focus, couldn't think. She had sent him away, and that was the end of it. Logically, she knew she would never see him again. Not romantically, at least. She wanted him back. Wanted him to hold her, kiss her, make all of the hurt go away.
But she couldn’t. What he had done was irredeemable. Unforgivable. She had to take care of herself. For the first time, she had to put herself and her emotions first. She couldn’t let another man rip her to pieces. She was broken already, and Isaac had shattered her beyond repair.
It was over.
Biting back a sob, Alexa allowed the tears to fall, allowed herself to be consumed by her emotions for a few minutes. But a few minutes was enough. A few minutes was enough to save her from what she had lost. She wiped her tears away, checked herself out in the mirror. She was in work clothes, but at the very least she could look a little bit neater. Even if they were just grabbing a drink at a bar.
When Alexa left the office, Jill looked at her. She didn’t mention the puffiness of her face, the bloodshot quality they would take on soon.
Alexa smiled wanly. “Let's just get that drink,” she said.
“I’ll lead the way.” Jill maneuvered them out of the office.
T
hey ended
up at a bar not too far away from their apartment complex, one they could easily walk to when all was said and done. And by walk Alexa meant Jill could walk and Alexa could lean on her. It was easier that way; that way they could both get drunk instead of one of them having to worry about being the designated driver. Alexa immediately ordered bourbon. No namby-pamby kind of drinks for her, not after today.
Jill looked to her, raised her eyebrows. “You sure you can drink all that?”
Court had been cancelled. She had the evening off. Tomorrow could fuck itself. “Yes.” Alexa knocked it back, enjoying the way it burned down her throat, settled in her stomach. “All of this and more.”
Jill reached out and hugged an arm around her shoulder. “Today didn’t go the way you expected?” she asked, her voice soft.
Alexa's throat tightened. “No.”
“Did you talk to him?” Jill asked, her voice soft, hesitating.
“You heard him,” Alexa said with a shake of her head. “There was no listening to him. I was his property, I was only what he wanted me to be.” She shook her head in disgust. “I was just a body to him. I wasn't a person.” And then he had punched the filing cabinet, and she just – “I can’t.”
Jill watched her as she ordered another drink. “What did he say, exactly?”
Alexa narrowed her eyes. “Excuses. He said he had a reason, but it’s probably bullshit like everything else.” The alcohol was already warming her middle and loosening her tongue.
Jill had a lighter drink, a fruity one. She looked away from Alexa, looked at the bar. “Why?”
“You know his reputation. You know what he does.” Alexa sipped her second glass of bourbon slightly slower this time.
Jill sighed. “You really think he treats you like the rest of his ladies?” Jill took a sip of her drink.
Alexa frowned. “You heard him.”
“And I saw him, too.” Jill was too calm, too cool, too collected.
Alexa hated it. “Aren’t you supposed to call him an asshole and be on my side?”
Jill chuckled. “He’s an asshole, sure.”
“Thank you.” Alexa rolled her eyes.
“I just think there's a lot more to what he said.”
Alexa rolled her eyes. “That's just what he wants you to think,” she said. Confident. He was a liar, and a good one. She hated that she had shared so much with him. He was just like Damien, and it more saddened her that she had taken so long to realize it.
Jill studied her for a moment. Reached out and hugged her. “I'm sorry,” she said finally.
Alexa hugged her back. “Me too.”
“I wish it could be better.”
Alexa laughed, shook her head. Sighed. No, it couldn't be better. She would just have to move on, accept that life wasn't going to go her way. She never would be happy. “How's Sarah?” she asked instead.
“Good,” Jill said, nodding. She took a drink of her drink, watched Alexa do the same. They didn’t talk this time.
Alexa stopped after three. At least she wasn’t on an empty stomach, but she felt woozy already. “I miss him,” she said finally, a sob threatening to escape her throat. The more alcohol she consumed, the larger the chasm was in her heart.
“I’m sorry, honey.” Jill hugged her, trying to offer comfort.
Alexa hated it, the loneliness she felt. The want, the need.
“You should talk to him.” Jill’s voice was soft, insistent. “Let him explain himself.”
“I don’t want to hear more lies.” Alexa was bitter, the alcohol surging through her. She was so tired. So tired of being lied to. Of existing. Of dealing with men who took advantage of her. She shook her head, looked at Jill. Felt dead inside. “No,” she said. “It's best to say goodbye.”
Jill studied her for a moment, reached out and hugged her. She didn't say anything. Alexa leaned into her, closed her eyes, and allowed herself to cry, to grieve. It was over.
I
t was
Isaac’s last shift at the end of a miserable week, a week that had ended up far worse than he had anticipated. He and Alexa had fought. She had said they were over, and he wasn’t even sure why. She hadn’t listened. He had fucked that up, too. It was okay. He deserved it.
It made sense. He was his father’s son. He hurt everyone he cared for.
At least he hadn’t killed her.
He sat on his chair, scrubbed a hand through his hair. It was the beginning of a very long day, one he knew was just going to get longer. There was so much to do, so many patients to see. He stared at the far wall, enjoying a breather between patients. He wasn't sure when he would get to eat or take a break.
Somebody sat next to him, and he turned to look at them, prepared to tell them to leave him alone. It was Craig, Craig who sat there looking at him with raised eyebrows. Damn him. Craig could read him too well.
“Fight with your girlfriend?” Craig asked, his tone carefully neutral.
Isaac frowned at the computer. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
Craig looked at him, too much knowing in his eyes for Isaac’s comfort.
“Nothing happened,” Isaac said shortly.
He shrugged. “If you say so,” he said.
Isaac ignored him, turning back to his work as if that was what he was paying attention to. But it wasn't. He couldn't get his mind off of Alexa. They had fought. Screamed. Ended things. But she was still foremost in his mind. Was she thinking of him? He doubted it.
Not that it mattered, really. He had lost his temper, he had yelled at her. And that had been wrong. But she had said insane things, said things that made no sense. She was out of her mind, and he didn't know what to do with it. She hadn’t listened. Anger surged through him at the thought. He had lost her. He had
lost
her.
If he ever got his hands on who was tattling to Garrick, he would make sure they never worked in his department again. Even though Alexa was no longer his, no one fucked with her.
She wasn’t another notch on his bedpost, another name on his list. She was something special. She was the one he had been looking for, and he hadn’t known it until too late.
“Isaac?” Craig asked, pulling him out of his anger, his grief.
Isaac looked at him, eyebrows raised, and for a moment, part of him was tempted to ask him about Alexa, see what he thought. But he didn't. One, there was nothing to ask him about. Two, since Craig was a doctor in the department, it would be more awkward than he wanted it to be.
“The patient in five's ready.”
“Thanks,” Isaac said after moment, standing and heading into the room. Five was a new patient, one he hadn't seen before. A young and very attractive businesswoman. She sat on the hospital bed, a compress on her hand. A burn, then. He smiled his professional, detached smile. “What do we have here?” He was maybe a bit too charming, but he didn't care. He was single now. No attachments.
She smiled a flirtatious smile. Batted her eyelashes. “I burned myself, doctor.” she said. It was simpering, but he didn't mind. Too much, anyway.
He smiled. “Well let's take a look.” He lifted the compress, looked at it. It didn't look too bad, but it probably stung. “It looks like a first-degree.”
She looked at him with wide eyes. “Is that bad?”
He smiled absently. “It's actually not that bad,” he assured her. “You'll be fine in a few days.”
She pouted, and he was relatively certain that she was flirting with him. “But it hurts,” she said, and there was that lower lip.
“Here,” he said with a smile. “I can prescribe a cream that'll help,” he said.
She smiled, batted her eyelashes again. “Thank you, Doctor,” she said. “How will I ever repay you?”
Normally it would have been easy to take her up on her offer, to say yes, but he didn't. He didn’t even want to. She wasn’t Alexa. He swallowed, mentally shook himself out of it. He didn't need to think about that, not right now.
“The nurse will be in here to check you out one more time and get you your prescriptions. You’ll be right as rain.” He smiled at her, the epitome of professionalism.
“Thank you,” she simpered.
Isaac nodded, left the room before he did something he would regret. But he doubted he would. She just wasn't Alexa. She wasn’t who he wanted.
He swallowed, ran a hand through his hair as he left the door. Craig caught him by the door, raised his eyebrows. He said nothing, just looked at Isaac. Isaac was grateful, in a way. Because he didn't know what to say. He didn't know what was wrong, what was bothering him.
He knew in theory what it was, what logic told him it was. But logic and feelings had never mixed very well. Not for him.
“Patient in six is ready for an MRI,” Craig said mildly.
“Thank you,” Isaac said softly.
Craig nodded, and then walked away, likely to find nurses.
Isaac pulled out his phone and looked at it. Opened up the texts, the messages from Alexa.
I miss you
, he typed out.
He stared at the text, thought about sending it. But he knew she wouldn't believe him. She would say he lied, that he never cared for her. And he couldn’t deal with that, not right now. He deleted the text. Tucked his phone away and didn't look at it. There was no point in mourning over what had happened. He could move on. Couldn't he?
A
lexa sat at her desk
, staring at the far wall. It had taken her far longer than expected to get into her workload, to start getting stuff done. Half of her had expected Isaac to walk through the door and throw himself down on the ground, begging for forgiveness. But she knew that wasn't going to happen. Things were over between them. She was okay with that, hangovers aside.
She swallowed, put a smile on her face when Jill came in with coffee.
“Your favorite,” Jill said with a smile.
Alexa nodded, took it from her. Sighed.
Jill raised her eyebrows, but there was a sadness on her face Alexa didn't like, that she wasn't sure how to deal with.
Alexa didn't miss Isaac, of course not. That was ludicrous. She just – was having a bad week, that was all. Anyone would have a bad week after what she’d been through.
She sipped the coffee, smiled. “Thanks for this,” she said.
“Any time.” Jill studied her for a moment. “You have a visitor,” she said after a moment.
Alexa raised her eyebrows, suspicious. “I do?”
Jill nodded and then disappeared.
A few seconds later there was a knock on the door. Alexa’s stomach felt like it had been twisted in knots, and she gripped the desk with white knuckles. Was it Isaac?
It wasn't. Instead, it was Eric from a few months ago. “Hello,” she said as she stood. Her smile was professional, her handshake firm but warm. “What can I help you with?”
He smiled at her, and it made her think of Isaac, the way he smiled when he was happy.
She put him out of her mind.
“I was wondering if you had a chance to rethink my little offer,” Eric said politely, settling into the chair. Jill had left, closing the door quietly behind her.
Alexa studied him for a moment without saying a word.
“The partnership, your own office, a lot nicer than this.” He grinned, tilted his head. “Tempting at all?” he asked.
It was, but she wasn't sure she was ready to say that out loud. That would give him too much ammunition. “Tell me more,” she said, lacing her fingers together.
His grin was triumphant, and he leaned forward in his chair. He outlined their plans for her as an employee. She would work as a junior partner in their office, build up to becoming a full partner, and eventually open her own branch of the firm. It was a far better deal than the hospital gave her, far better than she would achieve in this job over the next five years.
When he was done, she stared at him. “Why me?”
He smiled at her. “We have been following your career for a while now,” he said.
Alexa kept her face professional, but couldn’t ignore the prickle of fear across the back of her neck at the thought of someone checking up on her. Following her. “You have?”
“We followed your trials, have observed your litigation,” he said, his eyes on hers. “We think you would be a very good fit for our company, and if you're half as good it with the business aspect is you are on the law side, you'll be an excellent addition to our firm.”
It was so tempting. It would get her out of the office, get her out of the hospital. She would have to give her notice, help find a replacement, but then she would be free. She would never have to see Isaac again, never have to deal with him. She could move. Leave Damien behind, too. “I have to give notice here,” she said. “I can't put my employers in a bind.”
“Oh, of course not,” he said smoothly. “Give your notice, let us know, and we'll go from there.”
She had looked into his firm after the initial offer, talked to a few lawyers that were there. Overall, they were happy. The working conditions were good, the offices gorgeous. It was a job offer, a real one, if she wanted it.
“I’ll let you know,” she said. She hesitated. “You wouldn't happen to be looking for a good new paralegal, are you?” she asked after a moment.
He raised his eyebrows. “You are free to bring your own staff,” he said.
Alexa looked at him, a bit dazed. While it was true that she had won most of her litigation, she had never been recruited so deftly. “I think this will work out well for both of us,” she said finally.
“Planning to bring the young woman from outside?” Eric asked.
Alexa nodded. “Jill's been at the hospital as long as I have, and she's a crack smart paralegal. It would be a good thing for your company to have her on board.”
Eric smiled, and he seemed rather pleased to have Alexa and Jill on his team. “Well, we look forward to it,” he said.
Alexa tried not to stare. It seemed too good to be true, to be real. They exchanged numbers, business cards, and then he left. The salary and benefits were far above her current job. While she had thought of leaving her hospital job, going to another with better benefits, she had never really gone looking. And now in a way it had kind of fallen into her lap.
Part of her couldn't help be suspicious, to wonder if there was some of outside influence at play that made sure that she was getting a job that matched what she wanted to do. But it didn't seem to be the case. Instead, it seemed like life was, for once, going her way.