Authors: Pamela Ann
Chapter 5
Lucy
“Look at you—you look like shit.”
I didn’t have to look up to know that it was Chad who
had joined me. I was at the nearest café from my flat in Covent Garden, and for some brilliant reason¸ this prick had just managed to hunt me down. Wasn’t he supposed to be in New York with Luke, his other half?
I had to close my notes along with the schoolbook I was studying. I had exams coming and his interruption wasn’t welcome. Besides, after the crazed bitch
-slap he had given me, I wasn’t sure if we were still on speaking terms.
“Geez,
good of you to stop by
uninvited
.” Sarcasm laced my words, but the mocha-skinned man barely rolled his eyes at me, unfazed by my coldness.
“I don’t need an invite to see you, so get over it.” He reached out to take my half
-eaten pistachio biscotti and munched on it. “It sucks to be here in London without Sienna. I feel like something’s missing in my heart.” He annoyingly sighed before having the audacity to take a sip of my cappuccino, too.
Really
? This was not the time to mess with me. Surely this bugger hadn’t come to see me only to be melancholy about not having Sienna around. I knew those two were close, but sometimes I wished he’d give me the same attention. I missed him, too.
Masking the hurt in my eyes, I directed a glare
at him. “To what do I owe this pleasure, Chad?”
He flicked the crumbs
off the side of the table, looking at me with pure consideration. What I saw in his eyes sort of broke my heart. He was concerned about me; those dark eyes had somehow reached inside me and simply knew what gutting pain I was going through. It completely undid me.
Choking back the heavy lump in my throat, I looked away from the intensity of those dark eyes, hoping I could hide from it.
“He’s finally divorcing her. I flew in the moment he called.”
No wonder. He was here to the rescue
. Since Sienna was on her honeymoon with Blake, Chad needed to make sure I was not going bonkers.
“Don’t feel guilty
; it’s not your fault, baby love.”
Damn him. Why did it seem like he just knew what to say? Was he intending for me to cry because
, seriously, I was on the brink of it. Maybe tears would make me feel relief…
“I had no idea,” I croaked out, blinking back the unshed tears.
“We all knew this was coming,” he murmured soothingly. “The only question was
when
he would do it. We all have been perfectly aware he did it for the wrong reasons. Amelia had a weird hold of him… but I think Rome made him snap out of it.”
Rome.
God, thinking about Rome hurt. Thinking about him was too much. I had spewed lies, hoping he would secure his marriage, but the result had backfired on me. What happened now?
“How is he?”
He shrugged. “Why don’t we go and find out?”
Was he crazy? No. I wasn’t ready to face him. Not yet. “I can’t handle that right now.” There was no point in denying anything to Chad. He was just too perceptive and
knew too much to be lied to.
He nodded, eyeing me with understanding.
Reaching out for my coffee, I took a small sip before carefully placing it back on the small, white saucer. My mind raced on, recalling everything as I took in the news. He was divorcing—dissolving his marriage. He’d be a free man again. Would he seek me out? And if he did, what would I do? Was I ready to be with him? Was I ready to take on the hate and wrath that came with it?
“Why didn’t you ever beg, Luce?”
Chad’s question brought me out of my reverie as I frowned at him. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me
. Why didn’t you ever beg him not to do it? You fucking love the man. What the fuck? I just don’t get it. I want to understand why you were being such a cold-hearted bitch.”
Whoa. I had never heard him talk to me th
at way. Was he angry at me?
“What makes you think—
?”
“You could’ve saved you both from this heartache.
Neither of you are happy, so I want to know why. Why push away the guy who worshipped you like you were made out of gold? Why push him away when you couldn’t live without him?” He paused when he saw me about to argue with him. “You’re not happy. You’ve only been miserable since the moment you left him, love.”
Would he understand if I told him that I
had done it for Toby? That I hadn’t wanted to come between him and his family? That I hadn’t wanted to put him in a position where he had to choose? Toby was a good man. He loved his family. Even though they were dysfunctional at best, they were his family. They needed to sort that out themselves. I cared for him too much to put him in an awful position.
“It’s hard to explain
,” I started. “I did love him—, more than anything.” My heart was his. Forever. “Sometimes, love makes you do things. Things that you hope will be for the best… my intentions were faultless. I needed to put him first before my needs…” My throat constricted, thinking about the searing pain I had endured after walking away from him. “I realized that our own best interest doesn’t necessarily solve anything. Sometimes it turns out for the worst and backfires. A miniscule problem could grow into something bigger, something that’s hard to control.” I had bit off more than I could chew. Not only guilt was festering me into ruins, thinking about the baby placed an acrid, vile taste in my mouth.
“Love makes us do crazy things. I mean
, look at Mighty Knightly and all the shit he had to pull off to be with Sienna. But one thing stood out, and that’s the only thing we should learn, which is never to fucking give up, Lucy. I look at you and I already see defeat. What happened to your backbone? You took part in this mess, at least bitch up and be there for the man you’ve fucked over. He needs you.”
“I don’t know…”
“I’m not asking you to be back with him. All I’m asking is for you to show your face. You don’t even have to say anything. Just be around, show that you care, even if it’s killing you inside.”
Could I do that? Could I stomach seeing the hate in his eyes?
“Toby might not be too pleased about that.”
“Trust me on this
; that man is nuts and bolts loony for you.”
+++
“Lucy?”
I looked up and clashed eyes with him.
“Would you like to have dinner with me?”
Was he really asking me this or
was I dreaming?
For weeks
, I had secretly lusted after him, dropping subtle hints that I was more than interested, but he hadn’t taken the bait. Last week, I had been convinced that he saw me just as a friend from school. After all, he and Blake Knightly were sought after by all of the women in our school and he could have a pick of whoever took his interest.
My crushed hope was now alive and kicking as I blinked back a few times, considering his question.
“Uh, sure.” Fuck. I sounded downright awful. I hoped he wouldn’t change his mind. I wouldn’t recover from it. I was sure of it.
He looked around the crowded library before
glancing down at me again, smiling his mega-watt smile. “Mind if I take you away right now?”
“You want to have dinner…
now?” I gulped some much needed air. I better not hyperventilate; it was only a dinner invitation, not him asking me if I wanted a quick shag against the dusty bookshelves…
Though if he had outright asked me that, I would
have willingly obliged.
“If it’s too much
, we could do it tomorrow night?” he unsurely added with a teasing tone.
I hardly doubt I’d survive a night berating myself if I declined.
“Right now is perfectly good.” I immediately got up and neatly took care of my things, placing them inside my tote. Nervously, I gave him a quick glance before he showed us out the library. When we emerged from the building, the sky was dark and the air a tad chilly, but considering how I was a ball of heat next to this man, my cotton long-sleeved black top was enough.
“What do you feel like having tonight?”
You
, my mind blurted out, making me inwardly blanch at my wayward thoughts. For fuck’s sake, I needed to clear my head or I would ruin this one chance I had with him. And God forbid if I ever did.
“Chinese sounds good.”
He grinned. “Is that all you fancy?”
Was th
at a trick question? It had to be. “For the moment, I suppose it is.”
“I like how your cheeks glow pink when you
lie a tad,” he mused, blatantly teasing me.
My fuck, did he know about how I felt about him?
I reddened some more as I followed him to his parked Audi. He gallantly opened the door for me, but before I slid inside, he took me by the hand then dipped his head and whispered into my ear, “Breathe, Luce. I won’t bite unless you let me.”
I nervously licked my lip
s, completely out of my depth as I stared into his eyes, feeling alive for the very first time in my life.
Something
had lit inside of me. Something had snapped, and now, I was barraged with all these heady emotions. There was something about the way he looked at me; it was like he saw who I was, what I was, and what I would become. It was as if he knew…
His spellbinding depths told me that he was ready
for the inescapable.
Well
, so was I.
Chapter 6
Lucy
“He just bought a place around Hyde Park.” Chad chatted up as we rode in a black cab heading towards the said newly purchased home.
Though he kept talking to me, I was remained still, silently listening as I got lost in my own thoughts. Where was Amelia now? Would she let this happen? I mean, why couldn’t he have waited until she gave birth and leave her then? I had so many questions. Each one drilled more guilt into me. I knew I had taken part in this. I had thought after Rome, things would become better, but it had only proved me wrong.
Before I knew it, the cab was parked and Chad was handing the driver the cash
then opening the door and almost tugging me out of my seat. “No time to think, sweet cheeks. Just keep on moving.”
His grating tone almost made me want to lash out
at him, yet even with my anger, I couldn’t manage to spout anything because, deep down, I was a ball of nerves. It certainly sucked to be best buddies with people who were also best friends with your ex. Back in the day, I used to swell with love and pride at being so well loved amongst amazing, big-hearted people, however now, I was not liking it one bit.
You see, if one of us had a problem, all four w
ould come knocking on your door, come hell or high water. It was how it worked. When Chad needed help, we all took our part. When Sienna had some painstaking problems, we all rallied to be there for her. As we did with Blake. And now, it was Toby.
When Chad pulled out a key, I glowered at him. “When did you get that?”
“Robert handed it to me when he picked me up from Heathrow.”
Robert.
Blake Knightly’s driver. Great. I was sure I was the only one exempted from having a key to this place. I knew I shouldn’t feel bitter about that, but I fucking did. It hurt, dammit.
When the key opened the door, all the bitterness in me fled as I focused on the boxes that were
piled up against the wall. It looked like he was barely moved in.
Chad steadily walked ahead as I reluctantly shifted my footing, not sure if I should go past the foyer. The radiantly polished black and white tiles caught my
attention as I stared at them, not sure how to pass time. Would Chad notice that I was not behind him? I hoped not.
Tough luck
, I thought as I heard him hiss my name. I looked up and saw him about to come towards me when the sound of an opening door made me freeze on the spot, stealing all the air from my lungs. My ears perked up, knowing quite well who it would be.
“Chad?” Toby’s voice sent flutters all
through my stomach.
Chad managed to send me a cutting look before he walked over to where
Toby was. I could only presume that Chad was giving him a comforting hug. “How’s it going, boo? We thought we’d drop by and say hi, you know?”
Fucking Chad
, I silently growled.
“We?”
Toby clarified. Of course he’d caught on.
Steeling my broken heart, I slowly strode past the hallway before I saw Chad a few feet away
, standing by a half cracked door with what looked like a study behind him.
“Hello,” I murmured, barely audible, but the air in th
e room was still enough that my voice could cut through it like a blade.
His casual stance stiffened the second he spotted me. His eyes
then darkened as our gazes met. Every inch of me became pained at the sight of him, yet still, I couldn’t resist measuring him from head to foot, noting all the blatant as well as the subtle changes he possessed.
He looked exhausted. Shattered.
I looked at him like I had been starved for decades, not days. I would never get tired of him. That only had been proved to me once more.
I saw his throat bob up and down. “Lucy.”
There was no trace of hate in his tone… not even indifference. His acknowledgment conveyed that he was neutral. What did that mean?
“I was hoping we could take you out to eat
,” Chad butted in, breaking our contact.
The moment his eyes left me, I felt bereft,
as though the light had been taken from me. Maybe it had. It was only switched back on when he was around, sadly.
“I already had a light snack.” Toby made a small smile. “Thanks for dropping by
, though.”
Chad smirked before walking around to check his surroundings. “Oh
, well. You know, Blake’s flat in Mayfair is a little boring. Do you mind if I stay here for a little bit? I like to bug you once in awhile.”
Toby shrugged
and then walked away, heading towards what seemed to be the kitchen. “Sure. Whatever you like.”
He
’d always had a soft spot for Chad. Additionally, even if he knew what was behind Chad’s motives, he wasn’t crass enough to push him away. Toby always considered other people’s feelings, especially the ones of those he cared about.
“Yipee,” Chad giddily said as he pulled out his phone. “Let me tell Rob
-Rob that I’ll be chilling at your pad. Give me a sec.” He strode out of the kitchen as he dialed Robert’s number.
Toby was pouring himself a glass of Malbec amidst the black and stainless steel kitchen. He was taking his time
, trying to avoid me. As much as I liked to pretend that I wasn’t waiting for him to make small talk, I couldn’t help following my gaze with whatever he did. The man simply consumed me. It was troubling.
“Fancy having a glass?” he murmured as he watched himself pour the ruby red contents into a glass, filling it halfway.
“Sure,” I managed to say smoothly.
He causally pushed his ready-filled glass towards the other end of the counter before stepp
ing back and taking out another glass for himself.
Why wasn’t he looking at me?
I wondered as I cautiously stepped towards the chair, sitting my guilty arse on the stool. Instead of taking a careful sip, I inserted the glass stem in between my fingers and slowly swirled it around, eyeing the crimson contents, as I argued with myself that I should be the one to break the ice.
Guilt and broken heart aside, I
had once been his friend, and even though he might not need me as one, I should make it known that I was there if he needed me.
Clearing my throat, I swallowed whatever pride I had left and took the plunge. “I’m sorry about your marriage.”
Those entrancing eyes immediately snapped to me, surprised. “
You’re sorry?
”
he asked as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
I nodded as I parted my mouth to breathe. With his eyes on me like that, I fe
lt like he was cooking me inside out from their simmering heat. “I am—I hadn’t meant to—”
“What didn’t you mean, Lucy?”
he threw back.
Everything. Fuck. God. Oh
, fuck. If only I could turn back time, I sure would change how I had handled things…
“I’m sorry.”
For hurting you. For betraying your trust. For always screwing up things for you. For everything… I was truly sorry.
My words seemed to have angered him. He
certainly tried to hide behind it, but his eyes only told me the truth. That I was a coward. That I wasn’t worthy of him.
Pressing my lips together, I stared at the glass as I slid off the stool. I had no ounce of power left in me to look at
him. “I have to go.” I was ashamed beyond words as I walked away, passed Chad in the hallway, moving towards the foyer.
“
Lucy!
” he growled after me as I held onto the doorknob.
I had a few seconds pause before I went out the door with my heart thumping wildly against my chest. I was running and
I didn’t stop until a block away, heaving as I bent over with my hands on my knees, needing to breathe. Courage, I lacked it greatly, but I couldn’t fathom staring back into his hurt-filled eyes, knowing how guilty I was.
Miserable, I slowly walked aimlessly on the streets, ignoring the sad looks that were sent my way as the passersby noted the tears streaming down my face.
After a long while, when I felt like my legs were about to give out from exhaustion, I dialed the only person I could talk to at the moment. “I need a drink. Can you come by?”
+++
I was sitting in one of the booths at a pub, staring holes into the wine bottle, when I felt a dark shadow cast over me.
“Thanks for coming.” I smiled sadly at him as he scooted over across the booth.
“The ghost finally caught up to you, I take it?” Troy asked as a rhetorical question. When I didn’t respond, he made a heavy sigh before motioning to a waiter to get us another bottle. It was going to be a long night.
After our failed attempt at dating, Troy had become a close confidante.
When times were tough, he was always there to listen to my ramblings. From then on, he became quite close to me when at times I felt like I couldn’t open up to Sienna or Chad. I knew both of them meant well, but at times, I just needed someone who didn’t know Toby and I so well. Occasionally, I just wanted to vent out certain things that were hard to explain to anyone else. I knew Chad and Sienna both loved me, however it hurt sometimes to see that look in their eyes—the look that told me that they believed I was the reason for Toby’s deterioration.
They were right. Of course I was the reason,
yet every now and then, it would be lovely if I was given the benefit of the doubt. If only they would try to understand the war that I was having with myself…
Troy was the only person I could speak to that didn’t hold any judgment.
At times, I needed that. Like tonight for instance.
It took three bottles of red
, two shots of whiskey, and five hours of endless, pained confession before I finally felt like I couldn’t utter another damn word about him. It was selfish of me to talk another man’s ear off about my love-life woes. I knew nothing romantic was brewing between Troy and I, but still, I was eternally grateful that he had willingly sat there with me and let me drown myself in my agony.
When we left the pub, he hailed a cab to drop me off
at my place first. He was a handsome, roguish gentleman, and I hoped that someday he might find a woman that would be worthy of him.
As always, my thoughts were astray when Troy nudged me out of my daydreaming, nodding towards the now parked cab outside my building. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow’s a new day
, love.” He gave me a tight hug before he cupped my face with both of his large hands, providing me with some of his strength. “No more tears, yeah?”
I smiled even though I felt empty inside. Troy was a great friend. I closed my eyes when he kissed my forehead before letting me out of the vehicle. Through the small window, he gave me an arresting smile before the cab drove away with him. Standing out on the pavement, I drew out a breath, feeling rejuvenated somehow.
He was right. Tomorrow was another day.
Spinning around, I strode towards the entrance of my building.
I pulled out my keycard and was about to swipe it against the magnetic controller when I felt someone approach me. It was dark, so I could barely make the person out in the shadows, but once the person came closer, I was met by the man whom I had been agonizing over all evening.
And he didn’t look a tad friendly whatsoever.
My heart palpitated. My mind drew a blank. And as expected, I stared at him like I was starved for the sight of him before I broke contact and continued to swipe my keycard.
When I heard the lock unlatch from the door, indicating that it was open, I pushed the door slightly before looking back at him. “Do you want to come up?”
“I thought you were single,” he finally managed to say. He was looking at me as if I had lied to him. “Does he know that you cheated on him?”
Just
exactly how long had he been standing there? “Troy—”
He cut me off.
“
Have you ever cheated on me?
”
“No.” How could he ask me th
at? It was demeaning.
He lingered on my face before looking away towards the quiet street. “I came here to offer a truce
. Maybe to start over as friends again.”
Friends? Wait—
what?
He wanted us to be friends? Had he gone mad?
“Friends?” I asked as if the word was alien to me. It probably was. When it came to Toby Watson, being friends was the last thing I had in mind
…the image of him nestled in between my legs, his eyes feasting on me—
goodness
, I probably was drunker than I thought.
“I have accepted the fact that you and I can never be—that you’re in love with another man. For days, I pondered about what happened in Rome,
and I came to the conclusion the other day that maybe it was your way of saying your goodbye. Of shutting that door behind you before finally moving on to be with him without any traces from our relationship.
“I’m starting anew…
and I want to restart our friendship as it once was. Since we’re best friends with the same people, I thought it would make more sense if we put our differences aside and start over again.”