Authors: Rachel Coker
Frank cleared his throat, like it had suddenly become hard for him to swallow. I looked up just in time to see him glance away quickly. Tears glistened in the corners of his eyes.
The silence hung over us and reminded me of everything we’d lost. That easy friendship between the three of us. That peaceful feeling of knowing everything was fine.
My chest ached. I felt so alone. Even here, with the one other person who might have understood me like Cliff did, I still felt unspeakable pain. My throat felt tight, making it difficult to speak.
“I just … I should go,” I muttered, intending to brush past Frank and run far away.
But instead Frank grabbed me as I walked by and enveloped me in a crushing hug. My face pressed against his shoulder, buried in his jacket. I could tell by his shaking arms that he was crying, and I was crying too. We stood there for what seemed like a century, just hugging and crying and thinking about the summer we’d all shared.
I pulled back and wiped my eyes, and discovred Frank’s face was as red and swollen as mine. He rubbed at his cheeks and managed a wobbly smile. Reaching up one finger, he brushed away a tear from the corner of my eye and left his hand there for a moment. “Hey,” he said softly, his face only inches away. He smiled at me like he hadn’t seen me in years, like the sight of my face was the most wonderful Christmas present he could ever have received. I smiled back and even laughed, which only managed to shake my wet tears down to my coat.
I brushed them away and held up the rocket plans. “So can I have these?”
Frank shook his head. “No.” He grew solemn, staring at me.
I blinked.
Is he kidding?
His face remained stony. I felt irritation and a touch of anger beginning to rise. I clutched at the paper. “What? But, Frank …”
He finally cracked a grin. “But you can share them. With me. Because we are going to build that rocket together. I already brought some wood back from Massachusetts, and I intend to see this rocket through to completion, whether you plan on helping or not.”
I exhaled, my heartbeat slowing. “Oh. Okay.” I folded the paper as gently as possible and placed it in my pocket. “I’m glad. Cliff would have wanted us to do it together.”
Frank nodded. “I only have two more weeks off for Christmas break. Then I’m back to school the first week of January.”
The buoyant feeling from a moment ago disappeared, and I was glad he couldn’t tell. I was afraid to have him know about how much I’d missed him and how completely wonderful it felt to be standing here with him again. “Well then, we’ll have to get to work.”
“Hot cocoa?” Mrs. Leggett called from the large bay window, waving at us.
I glanced at Frank. “I’m pretty cold. How about you?”
He shrugged. “Some cocoa might be nice.”
We pulled off our tool belts and laid them out on the work bench, stepping back to admire our progress. The sides of the rocket were coming together nicely. A few more nails and we would have a pretty fine five-foot rocket. The perfect size for a shortish ten-year-old with a wild imagination.
Mrs. Leggett handed large hot pink mugs of steaming cocoa, with the words
La Vida Loca
painted across the front. “Aren’t they just
darling?
I got them from my cha-cha instructor,” she explained.
“He always was wildly crazy about me. He begged me to run away and marry him when I was very young, but of course I was too in love with my Luke to even consider it. Although we did have a few great dances together.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and smiled, looking very pleased with herself.
“Yes, Mother,” Frank responded, smiling at me over his cocoa. I giggled as his mother rambled on about the technical difficulties of the
darling
cha-cha.
After ten minutes of patiently listening, Frank excused us and led me back outside. “Sorry about that,” he said, giving me a sheepish look. “She tends to really go on sometimes.”
I grinned and shook my head. “No, I like her. I can tell she really loves you and your dad.”
Frank looked up and nodded. “Yeah.” A strange light flickered in his eyes. “I know she does.”
I couldn’t resist adding, “And the cha-cha.”
A surprised laugh escaped from Frank and rumbled inside of me. It made me chuckle too, which forced him to laugh even more. We snorted and giggled until our sides hurt, and Frank begged me to stop.
“I hate it when you do that. Because when you laugh, it makes me laugh too,” he complained.
I calmed the chuckles still stuck in my throat and concentrated on hammering. “Hey, Frank?”
“Yeah?” He didn’t look up. Maybe he was was afraid he’d start laughing again.
“What does the voice in your head sound like?”
“What?”
“I know it sounds silly. But it’s just something that Cliff asked you once. You never really answered him, and I never really thought about it.”
Frank ran a hand through his hair and looked away. “Do you ever see him anymore? Cliff, I mean.”
“Yeah. We drive into the city and visit him every Saturday.”
“What’s it like?”
“Hard.” I straightened and lowered my hands to my side. “He doesn’t remember me. Or anything we ever did together.” I motioned to the rocket. “He doesn’t even remember this.”
Frank grimaced, like someone had punched him in the stomach. “I had heard that he wasn’t the same, but I had no idea.”
I shrugged. “I don’t even know why I’m doing this except for the fact that I still remember. And that I’m going to keep my promise to Cliff no matter what. I’ve realized that I can’t keep blaming God for tearing my family apart, or feel guilty for everything I could have done differently. I just have to take each day as it is and try to do the right thing.”
“Wow.”
I looked down and started hammering again, my face reddening. I’d never meant to get that personal with Frank. “So, um, you didn’t answer my question.”
“Oh, yeah.” Frank stepped back and cocked his head, as if thinking intently. He glanced up with a smirk. “The voice in my head sounds dashingly handsome and mysterious.” One of his many cats pranced up and rubbed its head against Frank’s leg. He leaned down and scratched between the cat’s ears, sending me a wink.
I nudged him. “Seriously.” The sound of metal hitting nail resounded in my ears, making them ring. I took another break and rolled the hammer around in my hands. I watched him and noticed how the muscles in his forehead tensed when he thought really hard.
“Well, um …” Frank took a breath and let it out. “I guess the voice in my head is serious sometimes, maybe most of the time. But sometimes it sounds a little lighthearted. Like it’s trying very hard to be good and studious and get things done, but every now and then it just can’t resist a little amusement.” His face broke in a smile. “Especially when it hears the laugh of a certain freckled girl.”
I pressed my lips together. “Yes, I think that perfectly describes what your voice should sound like.”
“And let me guess yours.” Frank took a step forward, his eyes looking deeply into mine. I shivered at the intense yet kind look reflected in his gaze. “Your voice is sweeter than peach pie and stronger than steel nails and softer than summer clouds.”
I took in a sharp breath, unable to tear my eyes away. “Um, yeah, I guess.”
He reached out to gently cup my elbow in his palm. At his touch, I jumped. I spun back around to the rocket, accidentally whipping his face with my hair. “Oh, sorry! Um, I …”
He winced and shook his head. “It’s okay.”
“Yeah, well, um …” I gulped. Things were escalating into a very awkward and still painful territory that I wasn’t sure how to navigate. “We should probably get this finished.” My voice sounded shaky and tense to me.
Drat
. I squeezed my eyes shut. I gritted my teeth and hammered in another nail.
Stupid, stupid Scarlett
.
My brush swept across the wood in smooth, even strokes. Electric-green paint, exactly the color of Cliff’s crayon drawing.
The sun felt a bit warmer, providing a little relief in the cold winter. I glanced up and saw Mrs. Leggett watching me from the window. I smiled and waved. She nodded before the curtain fell back into place.
Frank wasn’t home. He’d gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things for Christmas supper, his mother had told me. But I couldn’t wait for him to paint the rocket. It needed to get done by that night. Christmas Eve.
A chilly breeze tickled my neck and pulled at my loose waves.
With a paint-splattered hand, I reached back and pushed at my hair, managing to smear green paint on my cheek. Drat. I attempted to wipe it away, likely only smudging it further.
I give up
. I dropped the brush back into the bucket of paint. Then I grabbed a fresh brush to dip in red for the finishing touch.
To Jupiter
, written with a Cliff-like scrawl.
I put down the paint brush and stood back, pulling off my smock. I placed my hands on my ruined blue jeans and sighed. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
“Wonderful,” someone whispered.
I turned around to see Frank beaming from ear to ear.
“I thought you were at the grocery store.”
“I was.” He held up two large paper bags, one in each arm. “And I returned only to find you in my backyard. And I suppose my mother is …” He glanced at the house and nodded grimly. His mother was standing at the window watching us. “Just as I suspected. Here, let me drop off these groceries, and then I’ll take you on a walk.” Without waiting for my response, he ran back to the house and returned a few short minutes later. He immediately looped his arm through mine and began strolling toward the orchards. “Come, let us discuss the success of Cliff’s rocket.”
“Um, okay.” I tried not to focus on how close he was standing to me and how blurry my thoughts were.
We rambled through the orchards of bare peach trees without talking much at all. Instead, we stopped before each tree and stared at the naked branches, sometimes glancing at each other with a small smile. It felt strange to be walking together again. Almost as if we were adults trying to remember what it was like to be kids. But could that really be possible after only a few short months?
A thousand thoughts ran across my mind as we walked in silence. I thought about Cliff, about the rocket, about our summer
of picking peaches, and how great it would be if we put the rocket by the pond.
“I’ve been doing some thinking,” I said slowly, glancing at Frank.
He shot me a teasing grin. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” I rolled my eyes. Then I looked away, focusing on the ground below me. “I prayed for God to give me a purpose. Something to do that would please him and take my mind off all the pain.”
“And has he?” Frank’s voice was quiet.
I wrapped my arms across my chest and looked up at the sky. “Yeah. I think so.” I glanced at Frank. He was watching me, a thoughtful smile on his face. “I want to travel,” I told him. “I want to see all the places Cliff only dreamed about. I want to tell people about his hopes and dreams and find out about other people too.” A new thought occurred to me. “I want to fill others with the same hope that God has given me every time I think of Cliff’s hopes and dreams. Even if he doesn’t remember them now, that doesn’t mean they can’t inspire a whole new group of people.”
Frank nodded. We walked in silence for a while, thinking about the future.
“You know.” Frank cleared his throat and tightened his grip on my arm. I glanced at him, surprised to see his face slowly turning a bright shade of red. He looked at me and looked away. “I was thinking too. You know, while I was away at college.”
I grinned, deciding to tease him back. “You were thinking? At college?
Astounding
.”
He didn’t smile back, only puckered his brow more. “I did a lot of thinking about … Um, well, you know … I took a good look at my heart, and I know now that I’ve loved—”
Oh, no
. I suddenly felt like my body weighed four hundred pounds.
There is no way I can live through this again. No way I can handle him rejecting me for Juli again while I stand here like a stupid,
silent ragdoll
. I bit my lips as words gushed out of me too fast to comprehend. “You know what? I just really …” I could feel my breath speed up as I broke away from him. “I have to go. I’ll see you tonight.”
I shouted good-bye over my shoulder and bolted, ignoring the judging looks I was sure the empty trees were giving me.
Coward
. I shivered, pulling my jacket over my cheeks.
You just can’t handle the shame. Can’t handle feeling second best
.
My stomach churned. I needed to be brave. Fearless.
Maybe I should go back and …
I glanced over my shoulder. Frank was still standing in the same spot, hands in his pockets, his shoulders slumped. His face was too far away to read. I wondered if he even saw me looking.
Squaring my shoulders, I focused on the road in front of me and quickened my pace back home.
T
he smell of peppermint filled the house, drifting from the kitchen into the living room where we stood looking at the tree. All the lights were on, filling the room with dazzling brilliance. A little angel twinkled at us from her perch on top of the tree.
Mama sighed and buttoned up her coat. It was pretty cold outside for Georgia. “Are you ready to go?”
I nodded. Pulling on my jacket, I gave my hair a final pat. My unruly waves were somewhat tamed for the moment, pulled back into a loose twist. I was dressed in my old cranberry red velvet dress, which was a little small but still long enough to cover my knees.
This is almost too much even for the church service. I still don’t know why we have to be this dressed up to go get Cliff. It’s not like he’ll notice
.
Catching myself, I pushed that thought out of my mind and tried again.
It’s sweet that we’re dressing up. Mama’s just trying to make things nice
.
“Okay, I’ll go fire up Old Clunker,” Dad said, grabbing the keys from the kitchen table. He winked and disappeared out the side door.
I glanced back at Mama. She was staring at the tree with haunted eyes. Her arms were wrapped around her chest. Her eyes flickered toward me. “I’m okay,” she said, reading the worry on
my face. She let out a deep breath. “I’ll be in the truck. You go get Grandpop Barley.”
I trudged up the steps, taking two at a time. Grandpop Barley’s door was closed. When I pushed it open I found him sitting on the edge of the bed in his best Sunday jacket. My eyebrows flew up. “Grandpop Barley! You … you look very nice. All ready for church and the trip to get Cliff.”
He stared at me blankly, his eyes empty of emotion. I watched him for a moment, waiting.
Well, what did you expect? Him to answer back?
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, come on. We need to get to the truck. Mama and Dad are waiting, and you know that look Mama gets when we head into the sanctuary after the bell tolls.” I looped my arm through his and led him out the door.
I heard a car coming down the driveway. I paused in the doorway, frowning.
Who would be coming here on Christmas Eve?
I rushed Grandpop Barley down the stairs and out the door. My mouth dropped open at the sight in front of me.
Stepping out of her beat-up car, Juli stared at us from behind shaggy bangs. She slammed the door and yawned. “Wow, I’m really beat.” Then she passed out in a dead faint in the driveway.
Few things in my life have felt stranger than standing in my doorway that afternoon and watching my sister sleeping in my bedroom. Beams of light from the hallway behind me cast shadows on her pale face.
“Who is going to go get Cliff if Juli’s here?” Mama whispered. “We shouldn’t leave her alone.”
Amen to that
. Judging by the way Juli looked, I doubted she could be left alone for five minutes, much less several hours. Awake or not.
“She needs her sleep,” Dad said firmly, shutting the door to my room. We stood in the hallway with our hands in our coat pockets. “Scarlett, do you mind staying here to make sure she is okay until we get back? If she wakes up, make sure she eats something.” His voice grew rough. “She doesn’t look like she’s eaten a thing since she left.”
I pressed my lips together and nodded.
Babysitting Juli. Sounds like fun
. My face flushed, even though I was sure no one had heard me think that. My sister just came back from months away in who knows where, and she was safe and sleeping and warm. I really had no cause to be bitter or cynical.
Mama put her coat back on and glanced at the door again. “Are you sure we should both go? What if she wants us?”
Dad sighed. “She needs to sleep. She’ll be fine for a couple hours, and Scarlett’s a good caretaker.” He rested an arm around Mama’s shoulder, pressing his lips to her temple. “Come on. We’re already going to be late to church.”
They each gave me a quick hug before disappearing with Grandpop Barley. I could hear Old Clunker rev up and drive away, lost in a cloud of dust.
I trudged downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a bologna sandwich. Settling on the sofa, I flipped through old cookbooks in the vain hope of finding something exciting and unsentimental to cook for Christmas supper. We didn’t need a warm, mushy family meal to remind us of how everything was more bland and awkward this year. We needed spicy tacos or fried fish. Something that could become our new Christmas meal.
Every now and then, my eyes flickered to the ceiling, and I imagined Juli curled up under my sheets. Her face had seemed so thin and gaunt, her skin pale to the point of being translucent. I shivered. What horrible things had she been doing?
I squeezed my eyes shut.
God
,
I don’t know what’s wrong with
Juli, but please fix her inside. Sew up all those fraying threads and gaping holes and make her whole again
.
When she’s ready, I’m going to talk to her about the same things Mrs. Greene told me
. Just that thought made me feel ten times better. Maybe she’d be able to experience the same peace that I did.
The sound of tires on the gravel startled me to attention. My skin bristled.
It’s too early for them to be home
. A shiver ran down my spine. With Juli upstairs and the rest of the family on their way to get Cliff, who else would be coming here?
Heavy footsteps pounded on the front steps. A loud knock followed on the door.
I walked toward the front door, unlatched the lock, and swung it open.
Frank
.
He was dressed in a button-down shirt and necktie, his hair slicked back like Sunday mornings when we were kids. Only a few stray hairs had escaped and flopped on his forehead, like he’d been in a rush to get here.
My mouth seemed caught between a smile and a frown. I shook my head. “What are you doing here?”
He shrugged. “I was a little worried when you didn’t show up for the Christmas Eve service. I thought we had the whole thing figured out. You know, with the unveiling of the rocket and everything? And then when your parents came in late without you …” He took a deep breath and puffed it out. “I knew I couldn’t bolt across the church and ask where you were, so I snuck out the back instead.”
“Oh.” My mouth felt dry. “Well, you didn’t have to panic on my account.”
He blinked. “I just … I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
His words sunk into my head slowly. He just wanted to check on me. That look on his face—those stray hairs falling on his forehead—that was all because he was worried about me.
He didn’t know about Juli being back, though. How much faster would he have ran if he’d known she was sleeping upstairs?
I forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
Say it. Just say it
. “Juli’s home.” The words felt like ice on my tongue.
Frank’s eyes widened. “Really?” He glanced over my shoulder and into the house. “Wow. I mean, that’s unexpected.”
“I know.” I searched his face, every crease and crinkle of it. Searching for signs that he’d missed her. That he was desperate to see her again.
Instead, he looked back at me with a small smile. “Is she asleep? Could you be excused for a few minutes?”
This time, I was the one blinking like a deer caught in the headlights. “I’d have to go check on her. I don’t want to leave her alone.”
He nodded, and I ran upstairs and pushed open the bedroom door. Juli was lying in bed with her eyes open, staring at the ceiling. “Oh, hey,” she said when she saw me.
I swallowed hard. “Hi. I was just … I wanted to make sure you’re okay and I …”
“Whose car is that?”
So she knew someone was here. Well, no use prolonging the inevitable. “Frank’s.”
“Did he come to see you?”
“Yeah.”
I think so
. “But I’m just going to send him home. I don’t want to leave you here and—”
“Scarlett.” Juli’s voice was soft, and she smiled slightly. “I just came home. I’m not going to leave again just yet, okay? I’ll still be here when you get back.”
I paused. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
I trusted her. For the first time in who knows how many months, I trusted Juli’s words. “Okay. I’ll be back soon.” I shut the door and ran back downstairs.
Frank was still standing in the hallway, hands in his pockets. “So can you come?”
“I guess. Let me grab my coat.”
I picked at the hem of my itchy velvet dress as I followed Frank outside. The winter air was cold and dry, and dark clouds covered the moon. “I think it’s supposed to snow,” Frank said, motioning to the sky. “In Georgia. It’s a record or something.”
“Huh.” I was only half listening, concentrating on wrapping my arms around myself to keep warm.
We walked down the driveway until the house was only barely visible. I reminded Frank that I should stay close for Juli’s sake.
He nodded. “I’m glad she came home. She’s better off here.”
I managed an
uh-hmm
. It hurt to talk about Juli with him. Each word was a painful reminder of what I would never have with Frank. Not that I cared.
Because I don’t care about Frank in that way anymore. Right?
I glanced at him sideways. “If I were you, I wouldn’t come on to Juli too strongly at first. Give her time to recover. And then try to win her over slowly. Make her laugh.” I puffed out my cheeks. “And be good to her.”
Frank stopped in his tracks, pivoting on his heels until he stood a few inches away from me. He raised a brow. “Am I to understand that you want me to woo Juli?”
I felt pinned under his gaze. I was sure my cheeks were turning red. “Um, I thought you wanted to.”
Shaking his head slowly, Frank took another step toward me. “I … I am such a complete and utter fool. Stupid. Idiotic. Thickheaded. Pea-brained.” His voice heated with anger.
My lip quivered. I started to open my mouth, but he held up a hand to stop me.
He pushed a hand through his hair, messing up whatever the hair gel was supposed to keep neat. There were no stray pieces anymore
because it was pretty much all falling on his forehead and over his ears. “It’s always been me and you, Scarlett,” he whispered, his eyes intense in the shaded moonlight. He reached up and touched my cheek. “I was so stupid not to see it before. Not to see that you are everything I …” He trailed off, turning red. He dropped his hand and stuck it in his pocket. “Drat,” he muttered. Avoiding my eyes, he sighed and stared at the ground. “I’m really bad at making speeches. It’s not going to sound like it should.”
I sucked in air but felt no oxygen. Suddenly, the cold night felt burning hot. My heart felt caught in between soaring and falling. Waiting for a single word from Frank to tell me which direction to go.
He glanced up. “Okay, let me try again.” A smile pulled at his mouth as he grabbed my hand. This time, he looked right at me, unashamed. “Scarlett, I like you. I like you more than cats, more than dogs, more than peach pie and bicycles.” He laughed. “I like you more than any other person in Georgia. I think I love you.”
My throat caught, resulting in an unattractive strangled sound. I winced and held back a grimace.
Great. I’ve waited months for this guy to really like me, and now I’m going to scare him away with my repressed gagging
.
Frank just chuckled. “I love how offbeat and thoughtful you are. How you make me see things I’ve never seen before and care about things I didn’t even know about. I loved watching you with Cliff and the way you care about him even though others don’t understand him. The way you radiate light even on a cloudy day.” His finger reached up and looped around a strand of my hair, pulling it gently. “I love every freckle on your nose and the sky in your eyes and the way your hair goes in every direction.” He paused. “I think your hair is really pretty, by the way, even though I know you hate it.”
I was vaguely conscious of the fact that I was rocking back and forth on my toes. My insides were singing, bubbling with joy and laughter.
“Scarlett, I …” Frank’s voice grew serious, as his face softened. “You just turned seventeen. I’m only eighteen. But I …” He cleared his throat. “I’m too young to be married. I still have three more years of college and then I have to find a job, but after that …”
I bit my lip as he trailed off into silence, staring at me. The quiet burned at me. I ached to know. “After that what?” I finally asked.
His hands dropped from my hair and grabbed mine, lacing our fingers together. “I want you to wait for me,” he whispered. “And then I want to be with my best friend forever. I’ll build us a house. We’ll have a green roof and lots of windows and the largest kitchen in Georgia.”
I rolled my eyes. “If your house-building skills are anything like your rocket ones, then you’re going to need my help.” Which was a total lie. Because Frank was probably the best carpenter I’d ever laid eyes on. But I wanted to think that he’d want my help some day. That he’d need me by his side.
Frank jabbed at me with his elbow. “Hey, I’m pretty good with tools!”
I snorted, causing him to jab me more. “Stop it.” I wiggled away, turning my back to him. Something wet dropped on my nose. My eyes widened. “It’s snowing!”
Sure enough, fluffy white snowflakes fell from the sky, enveloping us in a frosty wonderland. They reflected off the porch lights as they swirled around in the air. I closed my eyes and spun around, my arms outstretched. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw snow in Georgia, or the last time I saw snow anywhere.
“Scarlett.” Frank’s voice dropped, causing me to stop and slowly turn back around.
He watched me with the most contented smile. Like he wasn’t looking for Juli or some sophisticated woman or beauty queen, but he was happy just to see
me
. Scarlett.
“What do you say?” he whispered.
A light layer of snow clung to my hair, wetting my cheeks. I stepped closer until our foreheads nearly touched. “I love you,” I whispered. “And I’d wait forever for you.”
He smiled, which made me smile, and we stood there like two grinning fools until headlights shone in front of us, and my parents were home. They piled out of the car and seemed surprised to see Frank, but no one asked any questions. Instead, they took care to lead Cliff into the house, and then headed upstairs to make sure Juli was okay.