Authors: H.M. Ward
CHAPTER
9
RYAN
It’s nearly morning. Holly is asleep in my arms. She
lays
against my chest, snuggling her naked body against mine. I have no
self-control
. I shouldn’t have let last night happen, but I don’t regret it. I just hope she feels the same way when she wakes
up.
I can’t stand the thought o
f
her leaving. It makes me feel hollow, like I’ll shatter without her.
Holly moves in my arms. I watch her sleep, and brush my hand against her cheek. She smiles, as if she’s awake enough to enjoy the touch. I watch her for a moment and her eyes flutter open. She blinks slowly until I come into focus.
My heart pounds.
I want her to have no regrets. I want her to be happy.
“Hey,” I say softly.
She looks confused. Damn. I wait for it to come back to her, for her to realize that she’s naked, and what we’ve done. My eyes m
e
et hers and she squirms a little and then smiles. Her cheeks burn bright red and I want to kiss every inch of her.
“Hey,” she says back. I can’t get a read on her.
“It’s not morning
,
yet. You can go back to sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She looks up at me with those brown eyes and I melt. I’ll do anything she asks me to. She smiles, “You didn’t. I thought I was dreaming, but…”
The corner of my lips pulls up. “But you weren’t?” She shakes her head gently. My eyes meet hers and I can’t look away. I’m terrified she’ll
run,
that she’ll regret this.
Holly
looks back at me with questions in her eyes. I press my lips together, and then ask. “Would you rather this was a dream?” There, I said it. I wait for an answer, prepared to steel myself for whatever
she says. I expect her to say yes. That this wasn’t what she wanted.
Holly’s eyes search my face and her eyebrows lift slightly. Her lips pull into a ghost of a smile that makes me want to kiss her more. “That depends.”
“On what?”
“On you.”
She blinks at me and pushes up onto her side. Her breasts brush my chest as she does it.
Holly
pulls the sheet up to cover her body, clutching it loosely.
“On me?”
I ask, and I sit up. The sheet barely covers my hips.
I shift trying to hide how attractive I think she is. When she brushed against me, my body responded. I can’t help it. I feel like a fi
fteen year old. I think of turn-
offs to try and correct the issue, but it doesn’t really work. I pull the
blank
et up. Maybe she doesn
’t notice.
Her tangled hair falls over her shoulders. The sheet is barely covering her. I want to rip it away and kiss her.
Holly nods,
“You
were
laying
awake with a
n
oh-god-what-have-done look on your face. I saw it. So, would you
rather this was a dream?” I feel
her s
haking, but I’m not sure why. I’m silent too long. I don’t know what she means or what to say that won’t make me sound like a love-sick stalker. Holly’s
shoulders slump and her head falls. She blinks hard. “I see.” She pulls away from me and stands, taking the sheet with her.
“Holly, no,
wait
.” I lift a hand trying to pull her back into bed, but she’s dropped the sheet and is dressing. I fucked up. I can’t fix this. She’s mad. I see it in her back, the way
she’s squared her shoulders. She turns
quickly,
her eyes are flash
ing
an emotion that’s close to exploding. It might be rage. It might be sorrow. Why do those look the same? I’ve been here before. I’ve done
this. It’s not a good spot to b
e. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I try again, but she’s lost
patience
with me.
Holly pulls her boots on, not bothering with the stockings. “There’s no reason to say anything. I get it.” Her voice is steady and a lot more even than it should be. She stands and looks at me.
“You don’t,” I breathe. Her eyes look over me. I pulled on my jeans so she wouldn’t dump my ass while I was naked. I want her to understand, but I don’t understand. I don’t know how she does this to me, how she makes
me feel everything. I waited years and never expected to do what we did last night.
Talk, you moron!
“This was a dream, but I don’t want to leave it there. It’s something I’ve thought about before. I just never thought it would happen.”
She fo
lds her arms over her chest. Holly
looks pissed. “But it did. So now
what?
Back to the status quo
?”
She shakes her head and turns away. “I can’t do that. I sucked at it before. I’m sorry, Ryan, but this was a mistake.” She darts to the door and is gone.
I don’t reply. I don’t chase her and say she’s wrong. I let her leave, taking my heart with her.
CHAPTER
10
HOLLY
I race to my car without looking back. I don’t know how things got this way. I replay last night in my mind, but it only bring
s tears to my eyes. I thought Ryan
felt something. I thought I was more than a fling. Yanking open my car door, I fall onto the seat and start the car. I blink over and over again, trying to see, but once the tears start, they don’t stop. I lower
my head and put it on the steering wheel. I don’t know what I expected from him, but this seems close. So
,
why am I crying? I knew going into this last night that Ryan wasn’t a forever kind of guy. Hell, I’m not even his type.
The idea that I was a pity bang flashes in my mind and my tears turn to big, wet, ugly sobs.
I stay like that for a minute or five, I’m not sure, but the engine is still cold and I’m covered in
goose bumps
when there is a knock on my window. I startle and sit up. Ryan’s standing there. I lock my jaw to keep from crying. The tears dry up, but my face is still wet. I grab the gear shifter and throw the car in reverse, re
ady to lift my foot from the br
ak
e
and
floor it
.
“Holly, please.” Ryan’
s voice is muffled through the window, but I hear it. I hear something fragile there too. Even in all my distress, I hear the way his voice warbles slightly when he says my name. Again, he says, “Please.”
How do I want things to be? The thought flashes
in my mind
before I act. The only thing I know for certain is that I don’t want things to end like this.
I throw the car back into park and press my finger to the window button. It
screeches
as it slides down at a god
-
awful pace.
It’s barely opened a crack when Ryan grumbles something and reaches for my door. He yanks it o
pen and pulls me out of the car carefully, gently. It’s not like his desperate movement in the elevator last night.
His touch is firm, but gentle, like he knows he’ll never touch me again. Then, Ryan
take
s
both sides of my damp face
in his palms and
says
, “I need to tell you something and I suck at this. It scares me to death.”
He
breaths like he’s been running, like he put on clothes and chased after me. His blue gaze
lowers and he speaks to me through his lashes, like
he can’t bear to say the words.
“I wouldn’t trade last night for anything. I’m glad it was real, that it really happened. I’ve wanted you for so long, but it never worked out. Then last night came and I saw you there. It was like I had a second chance and I didn’t want to lose you ag
ain, even if it tore me apart, e
ven if you didn’t feel the same way about me.” His eyes flick up. He swallows hard and says, “Holly, I just
want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.” His hands slip off my cheeks and I stand there, half frozen, with my jaw hanging open. Did he really say that?
Sniffling, I ask, “You have feelings for me?”
Ryan
looks at my shoulder, not my face, and nods. “It’s why Greg tries to keep me away from you. I act like an intoxicated idiot when you’re around, according to him anyway. You’re the only person who I couldn’t get over, and I never even kissed you before last night. I can’t image how hard it will be now.” His voice sounds strained, but he smiles as he says it, like it
’
s
inevitable
.
I’m startled into silence. I stare at Ryan and feel like I’m caught between dreams and wake
,
and that there is no
way this
can
be
real. Despite the snow, I no longer shiver. I’ve gone numb. I hear the car engine behind me. I can leave. I can leave this behind and never look back, but I don’t want to.
I find myself speaking before I know what I’m going to say, “I can’t imagine how you didn’t know, how you didn’t see it.
I was certain everyone knew.” Ryan
half looks like he wants to hear, but he cringes away waiting for the hammer to slam into him. I reach out for his hand. “I’ve kind of had a thing for you
for the past three years. I tried to stay away from you
,
because I didn’t want to get my heart squashed and I obviously wasn’t your type. You don’t like this,” I lift the ends of my very brown hair and then gesture to the rest of me.
A hesitant smile spreads across his lips.
“Actually, I prefer this type.
I prefer you.
You’re the one who made me have a type in the first place.
But,
I dated girls who were the opposite to try and get you out of my head. It didn’t
really
work.” Ryan
smiles sheepishly
, his hand pushing through the back of his hair
. Looking me
in the eye, he slips his hands into his pockets
. “For the past three years, the only girl I wanted was you. I’m sorry I hurt you,” he kisses my cheek lightly
, his voice even lighter
. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer fast enough,” he kisses the other cheek
and looks down for a second
. “The only thing I could think about
while you were asleep in my arms
was that you were going to wake up and regret last night. I didn’t think you felt that way about me.”
I lift my hands to his face and feel the stubble on his cheeks under my palms. I feel brave.
Heart pounding, I say,
“I do
feel that way
. I like you. I want to be with you. You make me feel so much. I
tried to avoid you because you get into my head and I can’t manage it. But when y
ou’re gone, I miss you. I miss
your voice, the way you talk, and…” I take a deep breath, “I’m crazy about you.
Completely and totally insane about you.
Practically committable.”
The corner of my mouth twitches and before I can prattle on, he leans in and kisses me. Ryan’s body pushes against mine and I back into the car. The cold metal makes me jump, and he takes me into his arms, laughing
,
and swings me around. The sound is perfect. He’s truly happy and so am I.
CHAPTER
11
RYAN
The rest of the day feels like a dream. I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid and ruin it, but
after we say how we feel
, we ease into each other the way we always do. Except this time, when the endless flirting blazes like an inferno, I don’t have to keep my hands to myself. I can pull her to me. I can kiss her. I can taste her and feel her breath fill her
chest
as she hugs me back. The scent of her hair and the feel of her naked body burns
in my mind. I can’t stop smiling. This is perfect.
The rest of the morning passes in my dorm room. When we get back upstairs, she’s shivering and I wrap her in blankets. Holly’s hot gaze doesn’t leave mine and before I know it, I’m kissing her and I can’t stop. Her hands are on me, pulling at my shirt, trying to feel my chest under her fingers.
Holly’s
breath fills my mouth as s
he presses her lips to mine. It makes my heart pound harder. Her touch sends me reeling. I can’t speak and I don’t want to. I want to show her what she means to me.
I lay her back in the blankets and move my hands over her body, barely touching her. She moans and arches her back, calling my name. I remove her dress, kissing her breasts as I do
so. Her bra is who-knows-where. Probably in her car from when she ran earlier. She gasps and takes my hair in her hands, pulling my mouth down harder onto her
chest
. I cover her body in kisses, removing every article of clothing, until she’s panting,
laying
on the floor in the center of a pile of blankets completely naked. I look down at her. Sunlight pours into the room and I can’t help
but
gaze at her body. She’d put a goddess to shame. Every inch, every curve is perfect.
I move my hand across her, feeling her warmth, examining every curve. Her legs fall
open
for me. She’s breathing hard. Her scent hits me like a truck and I can barely control myself. I want things slow. I want to make her feel everything I feel. I want her to know how much I treasure her,
how much I want more than a few days with her, because tha
t’s all I have. She leaves
soon
and this will be gone.
I push the thoughts away and worship her body until we’re both exhausted and covered in sweat. She screams my name and digs her nails into my hips, as I push into her faster and faster. We both explode at the same time. I feel her fingers relax as her body throbs around mine. I stay on top of her, inside of her for a moment. I kiss her face.
I feel something inside of me and although I’ve denied it for years, I know without a doubt that I love her.
_
___
_
The snow melts as the sun shines on the black roads. The plows cleared the parkways and she drives me home.
I change and shower, putting on a clean outfit while she waits for me. I do the same for her,
at her house,
although I think her father wanted to skin me when Holly ran up th
e stairs after saying she’d slept at my place
last night.
I feel awkward. Her family invites me to sit at the kitchen table while
Holly showers and
dresses.
“So, did
she meet you in college?” her mom asks.
Her parents are younger than mine. Her mom has that mom haircut that’s short and curled.
I shake my head, “I’ve known he
r since high school. We had
some of the same classes
.”
Her dad has massive arms. He looks like a military man. I’m pretty sure he could snap me in half. His meaty arms are folded tightly across
his chest. He stands behind me, staring at my head, probably thinking of ways to rip it off my shoulders.
Her mom nods and makes pleasantries. They offer me coffee and Christmas cookies. Holly’s parent
’
s house smells like a bakery. Briefly, I wonder what her dorm room smells like. I bet it smells like her, sweet and intoxicating.
“What plans do you have today?” her Mom asks after offering me a cookie.
I pop it into my mouth, surprised that it’s so light and buttery. “These are really good,” I say before I should. I’m still chewing, but her Mom beams. At least that’s one parent who doesn’t want to hit me over the head with a shovel. I swallow and answer,
“Christmas shopping. Holly wanted to go to the mall.”
“Go
od luck with that,” her mom says
and
glances at Holly’s father
. “He was there this morning, and said there was no place to park. They’d plowed and the snow piles took up a lot of the extra outfield parking. It’s a mess.”
“You won’t get near the place.” He mutters. The man hasn’t moved. His lips barely opened when he spoke. He still wants to skin me. There’s nothing I can do about that. I only have a few days with Holly and I’m not going to be chased
off by an overprotective parent.
I shrug, “It’s what she wants.”
Holly bounds down the stairs and heads into the kitchen. I swear to God, she’s trying to kill me. She’s wearing a ribbed red sweater that hugs
her body and a short black skirt, black tights, and those slutty boots. If she tells me she’s wearing garters again, I’ll die.
Her hair is still damp. She’s pulling it into a pony tail as she kisses her dad on the cheek. He
visibly
deflates.
Holly
says, “You remember Ryan, right? He helped me change the flat on my car last year. I couldn’t even find
the jack.” Her dad’s eyes look
me over again, but
are
still hard. Holly
shakes her head and laughs
, realizing what he
r dad
i
s doing. “Leave him alone. He’s good to me. He’s always been good to me.”
He
r father
looks at his daughter. “I just want you happy, kid.” He side hugs her and kisses her on the head. He leaves the room without looking back.
She looks at her mom. “Why does he only do that when I
am
happy?”
Her mom laughs it off, but I know why. It’s because in twelve days, we’ll both be miserable. It’s because he sees what’s coming and there’s no way to prevent it. On
January
1
st
, Holly will be dropped off at the airport, and
take my heart with her.