“Yup. I’m meeting him in a few minutes. Where’s Nick?”
“Oh...in his room I guess.”
“What happened? You two had a fight?”
“Well, something like that I guess. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Thankfully, Maria didn’t press.
“Okay hon.”
Sydney said nothing else for the next few seconds, trying to figure out where to go next when Maria asked: “Is there something else bothering you Syd?”
“Actually, I’m curious. About you and Eddie.” She paused, then smiled at Maria whose attention she now had. “Do you think you’re gonna...you know, do it with him?”
Maria laughed. She picked up her lotion and started rubbing it on her legs. “’Do it’ Sydney?” She shook her head. “Sweetheart, been there, done that.”
Sydney felt her jaw drop. Maria walked past her to the dresser, pushing her chin up as she went. Then she picked up her brush and started brushing her hair.
Sydney finally found her voice.
“And you didn’t tell me about it?”
“I usually keep you in the dark about stuff like that honey.”
Maria’s wording jumped out at Sydney.
“What do you mean?”
Maria gave a little chuckle.
“I bet you think he’s my first.”
Sydney’s mouth dropped open again.
“He’s not?”
Maria shook her head slowly, smiling.
“Syd, he’s not even my second.”
Sydney was reeling.
“But...but when? Who? Why?”
Sydney was horrified but at the same time, wanted to hear the stories. She wanted details.
Maria laughed.
“It’s not a big deal Syd. Although I really do like Eddie.”
Sydney was still trying to make sense of this new information.
“But you’ve never had boyfriends! You...”
“Syd, they don’t have to be my boyfriends.”
Sydney was shocked silent.
Maria paused her actions and looked at her.
“See, this is why I never told you. I bet you’re sitting there, judging me...”
“No Maria! Look, I’m just trying to understand how that can be done—how you can just do it. With anyone, anytime.”
“It’s easier than you think hon. Speaking of which, you probably shouldn’t expect me back tonight.”
Sydney was quiet for a few moments, still blown away. When the effects of her shock had dwindled, she wondered if she should mention her near-encounter with Nicholas. She decided against it, embarrassed despite Maria’s recent admission.
“You guys are probably gonna do it soon,” Maria said, catching Sydney off guard.
“Who, me and Nick? Why do you think so?”
“You clearly want each other. And you love each other too—don’t try to deny it. I’ve seen the way you look at him, and of course the way he looks at you. I know it scares you to feel that way—love is a scary thing. I’m telling you girl, a few months ago I let you get away with denying it because I wasn’t sure myself, even though it was clearly starting between you two. But now, it couldn’t be clearer. You love him. Just tell me all about it when
you
guys finally ‘do it.’”
“Oh, I don’t think we’ll be doing that for a while missy—I’m just not ready. And it’s not proper.”
“Whatever. Like I said, my ears will be waiting.” Maria looked in the mirror and seemed satisfied with what she saw. “Eddie and I are going to the casino. Wanna come?”
Sydney shook her head, getting up.
“I don’t like gambling,” she said.
Maria left.
***
Nicholas had been walking around the ship for the past hour thinking about Sydney. She looked like she had seen a ghost before she ran out of his room, and he wondered what made her stop so abruptly. It seemed there was more to it than she wasn’t ready to lose her virginity just yet. She seemed the type who would wait for marriage anyway—so what made her go along with it in the first place?
He finally stopped at a bar and ordered a drink.
For the first time, Nicholas was confused about how she felt about him. He knew how he felt about her: he realized he loved her and it frightened him—he had never had such overwhelming emotions for a person before, and could only hope she felt the same. He didn’t want her to hurt him, and he hated being so vulnerable to her, a slave to his emotions. She meant more to him than she could probably fathom, and certainly more than he understood.
Perhaps she needed to hear this
, he wondered.
He had avoided saying the words to her for fear that it would scare her away; after all, she had originally been wondering about his unusual attachment to her, and he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire by telling her something she wasn’t ready to hear. But now seemed like the time. She needed to know, and it was welling up in him to the point that he thought he would burst.
He headed to her room, hoping his timing was good enough.
***
Sydney heard a knock at her door.
“Who is it?” she shouted from her place on the bed where she had been staring up at the ceiling.
“It’s just me,” came the sound of Nicholas’s muffled voice.
She sat up quickly, nervous. Then she took a deep breath and went over and opened the door.
“Hi.” He looked sheepish. “Can I come in?”
She nodded despite feeling it was a bad idea.
He grabbed the chair from the desk and sat in it, tapping his foot and staring at the ground.
“What’s up?” she asked, sitting at the edge of her bed.
He glanced at her, then rose from the chair and paced.
“Nicholas?”
He stopped pacing and faced her. He took a deep breath.
“I came here to tell you something, but I realize it’s probably not the best time, considering...considering what happened recently.”
Sydney bowed her head in embarrassment.
He came over and cupped her face, raising her head.
“Hey, don’t.” His thumb rubbed her cheek. “I just...I need to tell you something. But I don’t want you to interpret it the wrong way.” He sighed. “You know what? Never-mind. I’ll do this later. I’m sorry.” He headed for the door.
“No, wait, Nicholas.”
He paused, his back to her, staring downward, his hand on the knob.
“Nicholas, you came here to talk to me so do it.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t want you to think I’m just telling you this for the wrong reasons. This isn’t a good time,” he reiterated.
“Well, stay with me nonetheless. Maria and Eddie are down at the casino, you’re my only company. Let’s talk.”
“About what?”
“About anything. Or everything. Or nothing.”
She smiled, tapping the space on the bed next to her.
He headed over and sat next to her, but not as close as she would have liked.
She turned toward him.
“Tell me about your family.”
“What? Well, you already know Eddie.”
She gave him an admonishing look.
“Come on, you’ve met my family. Spill it about yours.”
“Okay, Allison’s cool too—my sister.”
She looked at him sternly.
“Tell me about your parents,” she said finally.
“Well I would if I knew them,” he said.
He sighed and glanced at her briefly, his mood darkening.
She could tell it was a sore spot but she wanted to hear it, she needed to know this part of him, more about the things that shaped him.
“In case you haven’t guessed, they’re not candidates for parents-of-the-year award. Now, the parents-who-don’t-give-a-shit award, they’d win hands down.” His mouth tightened. “I’ve seen my dad probably about twice. In my whole life. He’s always busy with the business and cheating on Evelyn, my ‘mom.’ As for Evelyn, she never really paid any attention to us either. Well to Allison yeah, but us guys...” He shook his head. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t give birth to me and Eddie; she probably had surrogates.”
He laughed but it was a bitter laugh. Sydney put her hand over his in support. It clearly pained him to talk about this part of him but he went on anyway.
“Honestly, my nanny was like my real mom,” he said, his face brightening. “Her name was Charlene. Ed and I had two nannies: Charlene and Lupe, but I say Charlene was my mother because she tended to dote on me while Lupe was more about Eddie. They were both really great.” He smiled. “See, while Eddie and I were being home-schooled, they took care of us before and after the tutors came and went. They watched us play, played with us, cooked for us, made sure we were doing our homework...you know, all that good stuff.” He was smiling. “Charlene was so loving and affectionate—always rubbing my head, always ready with hugs and kisses. She treated me like I was her own son. And her homemade chocolate chip cookies...” He kissed his fingertips to his lips. “Heavenly,” he finished. “She bandaged skinned knees, told me I could do anything, filled in in all kinds of ways.” He laughed. “You should have seen her, this dark-skinned, heavyset, middle-aged woman running around playing ball games with me. God, she was great.”
“Is she still working for you guys? Can I meet her?” Sydney asked softly. He looked at her briefly.
“Well, when Eddie and I went off to boarding school, Evelyn fired her I guess, her and Lupe. I was always asking about her, wanting to talk to her the first few years, but Evelyn always waved it off, said she wasn’t there at the time. I admit...” He paused as if not willing to admit his next words after all, “I cried some nights missing that woman, I was so lonely. I mean I was really young, so it hit kind of hard.”
Sydney’s heart melted at his candid admission.
“And Evelyn sent Eddie and me to different boarding schools so I didn’t even have my brother.” He shook his head, his face sharpened by bitterness. “At some point Evelyn demanded I stop asking, and finally admitted she had gotten rid of them once we had left, and when we came home for the Christmas holidays it was confirmed because we never saw them at the house again. She hired temporary babysitters for us those days. Anyway, I gave up asking about her and looking for her...until I was old enough to drive that is.” He smiled. “The summer I got my license, I found out from our servants where I could find her and Eddie and I planned a road trip to go see her.” He was grinning wide now. “We were so excited. We had a blast driving to Alabama. When we got there, her family treated us like family. They didn’t really have much but they were so giving and hospitable. I was too excited about seeing her though, so I kept asking about her, where she was, when she would get back. They kept offering me food or asking me to tell stories about her—which I did with pleasure of course, I could remember tons of wonderful times with her.” The smile that had reemerged slowly faded away again. He took a deep, shaky breath, his eyes downcast. “Like I said, she was mom to me. I—I loved her.”
Sydney could tell he was fighting back strong emotions and she felt her eyes fill with tears for him, for both the boy and teenager Nicholas. She had a feeling what was coming, but hoped the sense of dread settling over her heart was wrong.
“I...” His voice cracked. “I should have known, the way they were avoiding it.”
He looked briefly up at Sydney and in that fleeting look, she noticed his eyes glistening.
“She...she had a heart condition they told me.”
A single tear fell, silently.
He brushed it away quickly.
Sydney let her own crawl down her face.
His eyes were filled with despair as he slowly looked at her.
“She died,” he said sadly. “She had died a few weeks before—I was too late.”
He looked like he would hold it together for all of one second, but his eyes betrayed his clenched jaw and another tear fell, followed quickly by another. He tried to brush them away but they began falling quickly—he couldn’t keep up with them. He turned his head from her and she wanted to turn his head back, but knew he only had a smidgen of control left—just enough to stop him from sobbing outright, and she didn’t want to take him to that point.
“Too late,” he whispered, from what sounded like a squeezed throat.
Sydney couldn’t help it—she pulled him into a hug and silently cried for him, tears running easily down her own face. His sadness and sense of loss was overwhelming.
She felt his body shaking against hers and decided to give him the dignity of not staring into his sorrow. For a while they stayed wrapped around each other.
Eventually, she felt him sweep his face with his large hands, then take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly, moments later. “I thought I was over this.”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” she said.
He wiped his face again, removing the last remnants of wetness.
“Can I use your bathroom for a sec?” he asked.
“Of course you can.”
His hand slipped out of hers slowly as he got up.
He returned a few moments later, his face still a bit red and forlorn.
“Thanks for sharing that with me,” she said.
He shrugged.
“I probably should have just told you happy stories about Charlene,” he said.
She grabbed his hands again as he sat down next to her.
“Nicholas, stop. Why hide your pain from me? Why would you think I wouldn’t want to hear it? I love...hearing about your life.”
Sydney tried to hide her panic.
She had almost spoken words she hadn’t planned to say for a while! She hoped he hadn’t caught on, but his eyes looked too intelligent just then.
“What were you going to say?”
She looked down, wanting to hide any expression that could give her away.
She didn’t know what to say next—couldn’t find a lie.
“Were you going to say that you love me?”
Sydney kept her eyes averted.
He didn’t wait for her answer.
“Sydney, don’t hide it—I love you too! That’s what I came here to tell you.”
Then he pulled her in a tight hug, startling her.
“I love you,” he repeated, smoothing her hair, kissing her cheek.
Sydney was still shocked at what she had almost let escape, but eventually, she accepted it; after all, it was true. She relaxed against him.
“Yes, I...I love you Nicholas,” she said softly.
He wrapped his arms around her tighter. Just as she started to melt into him he pulled away and looked into her eyes.