Authors: Andy Mandela
“Do you ever want to have kids?” she asks.
At first, I didn’t know if she was asking my personal opinion, or if she was requesting if she could bear my children. Surely it was only a normal question, but I can’t help but to think of the alternative meaning. I answer, “Yeah, one day. I hope so.”
“Well I didn’t want to scare you by asking you,” she said. Too late. “But there a lot of people out there who say they don’t want kids. It’s a horrible thing, really. I couldn’t imagine being old with absolutely no kids or grandchildren. Oh, I’d love to have grandchildren. That’s one of the things I do too much. I start thinking too far into the future.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I assure her. “It’s nice that you want a future and have something to strive for. That’s something a lot of people don’t have.”
“Yeah, I suppose,” she returns. “So have you thought about how many children you would like to have?”
“No, I haven’t really thought about it,” I say. “But I don’t want to have just one. I wouldn’t want my son or daughter to be an only child like I am. Maybe three or four.” I look at her.
She says, “I’d like a big family one day, too. And live in a big house.” Immediately I thought of this big house that was one of my favorites out in the suburbs. It was a house all by itself on top of a hill, very big, with floor-to-ceiling windows. That was the house I wanted to live in one day.
A confused look comes onto Karina’s face as she looks down into her lap, staring at the photo of us. “Luke?” she say
s.
“Hmm?” I answer, wondering what may be going through her head now. I hope it’s nothing bad. I hope I haven’t done anything to mess up today. I don’t think I have, but it’s just best not to worry and listen to what she has to say.
“Can I ask you something? And please don’t get upset about it, because… because I’m not upset or anything, I’m just curious about something.”
“Go ahead,” I tell her.
“Last night,” she says, “why didn’t you wanna… you know?”
I do know, and I don’t blame her for asking. Truthfully, I’m happy she
asked, that way I can tell her, instead of dodging her every time she tries to make a move. “I know,” I say. “The truth is, I’m waiting for the right woman. The right time.”
She looks at me with a somewhat surprised look on her face now. I know exactly what she’s thinking, and she says it. “Are you a…” she says, before I finish the question for her.
“Virgin? No. But in retrospect, I kind of wish I was. If I would have been with the right woman already, I wouldn’t have been single for so long. But I just saw it a part of being young, and not being as intelligent as I am now. Now that I’ve had the time to really think about it, I wish that I could’ve been with one woman my entire life. Maybe that’s just my mind trying to be a mature adult.” I give a slight laugh through my nose.
“I suppose you’re right,” she says. “Now that you say it like that, I wish I could be pure all over again too. I know the guys I’ve been with in the past never really loved me,
I just wanted to feel loved, you know?”
I tried not to think of the men who have had Karina in the past. The men who just wanted to take advantage of her and use her. But really, that doesn’t sound at all different from how I used to be. I was that kind of man before. But that man no longer exists. I just thank God Karina never met him within the last year and a half. I couldn’t live with myself if Karina was the girl I told to “Get out.” Now I’m starting to feel worse about myself, that I could have ever been such a bastard. “None of that matters now,” I tell her with a cheer up smile.
“So are you saving yourself for marriage?” she asks.
“No, not really. I mean, if that’s how long it takes, that would be fine by me. But I want our first time… to be special.”
“No man has ever said that to me before,” she says softly with a face absent of a smile. She knows I care for her more than the world.
“I’m shocked,” I say jokingly.
She chuckles as she rests her head on my shoulder. Now we’ve just gotten closer. I see her hair in the corner of my eye and smile. I give her kiss on the top of her head. I wonder what on Earth she could be thinking about now.
We enjoy a more moments of comfortable silence, admiring the fountain
and the scenery. It’s not too silent, as the sound of the water splashing around in the fountain relaxes us both.
“You see that couple over there?” she asks, her head still resting on me.
“Where?” I ask back.
“Over there,” she says, pointing her finger in the direction of a couple walking on the other side of the fountain. They looked to be around our age. They were a good-looking couple, the girl was a blonde, and the guy had s
hort dark hair like me. “They’re holding hands,” says Karina.
“I see,” I say. They are indeed holding holds, their hands cupped together, not with their fingers interlocked. I was previously wondering what the next step should be for Karina and I. Now I know. I think Karina wants to hold hands. I’d like that too.
“They look happy,” she whispers, her voice sounding like she’s tired. But I know she’s not. She’s relaxed. I like her head on my shoulder, it relaxes me as well. I’d hate to disturb her, but I’d like to show her something, my favorite part of the park.
“Come on,” I say. “I want to take you somewhere.”
She lifts her head, as if waking up from a nap. “Are we leaving?” she asks, sounding like she would rather stay on the bench.
“No, no,” I reassure her. “I just want to show you my favorite part here. We both stand and I lead the way towards the tree tunnel.
About half way there, I realize our hands are not together. I want to hold her hand so much, since she has already planted the idea in my head. I take brief glances down, and see her lonely hand swaying back and forth.
“Dang it,” she says. “I have nothing to keep the pictures in.”
I offer her a simple solution. “I’ll keep them in my back pocket if you want.” After tucking the photos in my pocket, I glance back to see Karina’s hand just calling my name. I don’t want do discomfort or surprise her by just grabbing it, so I thought I should just ask her. I briefly think back to last night when she surprised me with wine on the rooftop. Then I thought to myself, maybe it’s time I offer a romantic gesture.
“Would you like to hold hands? I ask kindly, nervous of how she might respond. She gives a smile, holding out her hand closer to me, welcoming mine. We don’t say anymore, but we’re happy. We hold hands the same
way the other couple was, hands cupped. Now everybody knows we’re a couple, and more than just friends. Her hands are soft and warm, no longer lonely, and neither are mine. People say this a lot, but I wish we could hold hands forever. I’m aware it’s not practical, we have to let go sometime, but why so soon? By the time we reach the tunnel, Karina suggests that I take a few pictures of her, yet I feel neither of us want to let go of each other’s hand. We walk a little slower, giving us a few more moments before we ultimately let go.
“It’s the dark tunnel,” Karina says. “I loved that when I was younger. Me and my friends thought it was so cool.”
She hands me the camera, then she begins to twirl around, like a model on a fashion shoot. I take a few shots of her dancing around, as well as a few close-up shots to capture her smile. Each time I take a photo out of the camera, I shake it for a second, then put in my back pocket with the others. I feel like a professional photographer. I begin thinking about lighting and different designs. Maybe I should start a photography business. I keep the idea to myself, as it’s nothing more than a spur of the moment thought. But it could be interesting. Karina could be my best model, maybe even my partner.
There’s one shot I take of her from behind
. Her face is not visible, she has her arms stretched out as she twirls, giving her dress a slight flight. It’s a beautiful shot, it didn’t come out blurry at all. I’ve taken so many shots of her, it would be near impossible for me to choose my favorite.
When I’m done, we walk into the actual tunnel itself, holding hands once again. There were no people around at the moment, so we felt really secluded. In the middle of the tunnel, I feel like we were beginning to dance. Karina starts spinning, with me bringing her in and out. Finally, when I was reeling her in, both her arms were crossed, her back to my chest, one hand holding mine, with my other hand wrapped around her, my free hand holding the camera, still. Her head leans back, firmly into my shoulder. We share a laugh as we look into each other’s eyes. Her eyes are so much more beautiful when she laughs or smiles. And without any further thoughts or words, we kiss. This one would mark our first kiss in public. Her lips so sweet, her fragrance so uplifting, I must be dating an angel.
I feel the same about our lips as I did about our hands, not wanting to let go. But we eventually do, giving a loving look into each other’s before deciding to leave. We must have been at the park for over an hour. We went to other parts as well, pretty much circling the entire park. We leave, but before we get to the car, I give all the photos back to Karina, that way I don’t forget about them and end up sitting on them, crushing them without even realizing it.
While driving, Karina asks where we’re going next. I think about it. Maybe we should go back to her place, maybe we should go back to my place. Or maybe we should go sightseeing or something. But then I come up with a good idea. I don’t tell her, but I begin driving towards the suburbs.
“Where are we going?” asks Karina, as she can tell that we’re not headed to either of our apartments.
“I want to surprise you. I want to show you where I want to spend my future,” I told her.
She looked confused and excited at the same time. She hoped I wasn’t taking her anyplace weird, like a motel. Even that would freak me out. It only takes us about ten minutes to get there, and once we do, she immediately knows where we are.”
“The suburbs?” she says. All of the beautiful homes lined up side by side, most with swimming pools in the back yard. I drive through some of the neighborhoods until we reach the house I want her to see. We stop just at the end of a street,
and I point to the house on the hill.
“You see that house?” I ask.
“Wow, that’s beautiful. I wonder who lives there.” She says, as if she’s never seen a house so elegant. I’m sure she has though, but this one took her breath away. It was the same house I dreamed about living in for the longest time. Karina admired the windows, the structure, the color, and everything else that I loved about it.
“I don’t know who lives there. I’ve never seen anyone around it,” I say. But then Karina says something that hits me like a thunderbolt. Something that took a second or two to sink in. Something that I was happy to hear, yet afraid about at the same time.
She says, “Well maybe one day it’ll be ours.”
Chapter 11
I didn’t know how to respond, thinking she might already have a future mapped out for us.
After all, it wouldn’t make sense if she had doubts on the first day of our relationship, so I’m assuming it was just normal. So I look at her, and say, “Maybe.” The next smile she gives as I tell her that looks like she wants to say, “More than maybe.”
Instead, Karina gets a little excited and tells me, “Hey, you know what? We should go check it out. It doesn’t even look like there are any cars there. We should look inside.”
I remember all the other times I’ve been by this house and I don’t think I’ve seen any cars there either. It looks too well kept to be vacant, but I can’t help but oblige Karina. I’ve never looked at the house close up. This way, it might not appear so strange, like I’m about to break in. I’ll have Karina with me, and she looks innocent enough that nobody will suspect suspicious behavior.
In order to get there, I have to drive around the entire block to get to the hill. There is no gate to check in at
, which I was kind of expecting, for a house that looks so exclusive. But there was a long, slightly curved road that went behind all the other houses we had to drive through. Everything beside us was dirt, just like you would expect living in Texas.
Beyond the suburbs lies nothing but desert that stretches out beyond the horizon. I’ve never been unfortunate enough to be all the way out there, but I’ve heard ghosts stories as a child that made me never want to step one foot out there.
Once on top of the hill, we pull up into the driveway of the house, which looks even more beautiful overlooking the whole neighborhood. We still do not notice any cars or people around to wonder why we’re here. I began to have second thoughts about peeking in the windows, since there is always a chance someone could be home, who would not find it pleasurable that a strange couple is invading their privacy. Despite my concerns, Karina still goes ahead and peeks into the windows on the side of the house.
“Whoa, this is nice,” Karina says after a calm gasp. “You gotta see this, Luke.” First I ask her if anyone’s inside, to which she responds, “Nothing’s inside.” I was genuinely shocked, since I couldn’t believe this entire time, no one has been living in this house. I stand on Karina’s left, peeking into the windows as well.
All I can see is white carpet, just like the carpet from Karina’s apartment. Then I saw a wooden floor, a fireplace, and a chimney, all within a big open space. The house appears to have two stories, but I don’t feel like climbing the house to peek into those windows.
We walk behind the house to find a gated backyard with an empty pool. “It’s insane that nobody lives here,” Karina says. I must agree with her. I realize that I could have probably bought this house long ago, if I hadn’t spent so much money on some other things, like my challenger.
I found it weird that there wasn’t even a for sale sign on the front of the house. Maybe the realtors didn’t want just anyone coming by to look at it. After all, it was way too much of a sight that not just anyone could probably afford it, especially in its location overlooking the desert and the suburbs. I thought that since nobody owned it, maybe it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch if someday I happened to live there.
“You think we should hop the gate?” asks Karina, not that anyone is here to tell us to leave. But I got an eerie feeling that someone will come out of nowhere and tell us to get lost.
“We better not,” I warn.
“Okay, we can go now,” says Karina. Then Karina mention
s something else that has the same effect on me as what she said in the car just a minute ago. “Seems like a perfect house to raise a family in.” Is she trying to imply that we get married tonight? I just blame it on this being our first outing as a couple. It’s also possible that I’m the first guy that Karina has imagined spending the rest of her life with. Naturally, she’s already begun to picture our future, but I’ve also done the same as well. However, I don’t want this to go too fast. Based on past experiences, I shouldn’t let this blow out of control.
It’s funny, because Karina is as calm as calm can be. I’m letting myself become overwhelmed of all the things I am not even sure about. For a brief second, more like half a second, I think I may have rushed this relationship too fast already. I may not be ready for another one yet. But I erase the thought as quickly as it came. Don’t doubt this. I shouldn’t doubt this.
I tell Karina that I’m tired and we return back to her place. By now it’s almost evening, the sun has yet to set, but the sky is beginning to turn purple.
Today has gone well, but I’ve let my overworked mind to wonder if I’m yet the man I wish to be. I’ve already gotten rid of my stash, made a promise to myself not to deal anymore, and have spent more than a lovely day with Karina. What else could I do?
And then it hits me, just as I hit the bed when we enter her apartment. Karina knows I’m tired, so she decides to lay down next to me. We both gaze at the ceiling for a bit as I digress back to the thought. Should I tell Karina about it? Tell her I used to sell drugs? Only to have her throw me right out of her door and out of her life. How should I tell her? If I tell her myself, I stand a better chance of being forgiven for being honest. But i
f she finds out some other way, it’ll break her heart. That’s something I never want to have happen. Is it possible that we could spend until the end of time without her knowing the truth? I don’t know, but at some point in the future, the secret will dig and infect me like a tick, until I can’t bear it any longer. I never had this problem with Kimberly, who never knew about it. I wonder why. Maybe I never thought too far in the future back then, especially when the future is now. Back then, I wasn’t trying to change. I was just enjoying being with Kimberly. Perhaps that’s all I should be doing now. Enjoying Karina, being around her, shutting off my mind.
That’s just what I do. All I hear now is the sound of Karina and I breathing in unison. “Thank you for today,” Karina says, as we both continue to gaze upwards.
“I should be the one thanking you,” I tell her.
“How’s that?” she asks, moving her head to the side to look at me.
“Because this is the most comfortable bed I feel like I’ve ever lied in.” We both break out in laughter, breaking my once wandering mind. I needed a laugh, and so did Karina, who found it a bit more humorous than I did. We lie there a bit longer, at least until the sun has gone down, leaving the room semi-lit.
Karina reaches over to her nightstand to turn on the lamp, then rolls over back to face me. Her arms are folded like a praying mantis, holding my hand as we both rest. I must have drifted into sleep for a minute or two, but not fully asleep.
I don’t dream, but I was in that in-between state where I was on the verge of being fully asleep, but could still hear our breathing. When my eyes fully open again, Karina is gone. Maybe she’s in the shower again or something, but I don’t hear the water running this time. Instead, I see the light emanating from the hall. The room with the couch and television has the light on. I hear some rustling around in there. It must be Karina. She must be the quietest person on Earth, because when she gets out of bed, it never wakes me up. It’s odd, because I don’t consider myself a heavy sleeper, even less lately, since I’ve been having trouble sleeping, though is it getting better.
I get up out of bed to see what Karina is up to. I slowly walk to the door, for some reason being careful. I don’t think anyone would be robbing us, but after all, it’s not like this is my apartment.
Still, I don’t want to walk around the apartment like I’m the one paying for it. After all, this is only the second time I’ve been here. Once I reach the room, I see Karina with an open photo album, noticing that some of the photos included in it are the ones we took today while we were out.
“Whatcha doing?” I ask, standing at the entrance of the door, still adjusting my eyes to the light. Karina jolted her head, as if I scared her, which I didn’t mean to.
“Oh,” she lets out, along with a sigh of relief. “I’m starting a new photo album. I was rearranging some of the ones I had so that we could have this one all to ourselves.” She returns her attention to the photo album, continuing to put more photos in it. I sit down next to her as she scooches over to make room for me. We look at the photos together. Karina shows me the first photo she took of me, as we both laugh at how surprised I look. Then we got to the one the stranger took of us. It was the only photo of us together.
“
I like that one,” I say.
“Yeah,” she responds, “It’s a shame we didn’t get more of us together.”
“I know,” I agree. “I love those. The ones I took of you.” There must have been at least ten of them there. But I noticed one missing. The one that was my favorite, the one where she’s twirling around with her arms out, facing away. I asked her where it was, but she only gave me a look like she wanted to blush.
“I didn’t think you’d notice that one was gone, but since you have, I’ll show you,” she says. “Come here.” We go into the other room as she continues, “I wanted to surprise you, and give it to you as a present, but now is as good of a time as any.” We go all the way to her nightstand, which has a drawer
. She opens it and takes out a picture frame. She turns around and hands it to me. “Surprise,” she says with a gentle tone, since the surprise has been made to come out earlier than she planned. I hold the frame in my hands, and in the frame was the photo that was missing, my favorite. And just below the center of the picture, on the right side, were the words, “In Liebe, Karina.”
I say the words out loud, knowing that the phrase means, “With love.” “I didn’t know you knew German, “I tell her.
“Well I don’t speak it fluently, but I know a little. I learned the phrase after finding it amongst other greetings. I just thought it sounded better than “sincerely” or “yours truly,” but then again, foreign languages have a tendency to do so. Also, it just rolls off the tongue better, I think. How’d you know it was German? Do you speak it?”
“I know
a little as well,” I say, “along with a few other languages.”
“Like what?” she asks, curious to know just what parts of the world I’m familiar with.
“I know a little German, of course, French, and Spanish. I also know a few words of Japanese. How about you?” I ask.
“Um, English obviously, and a little Spanish. I took four years of Spanish throughout junior high and high school. Unfortunately, since I don’t really have anyone to speak it with, I’ve sort of forgotten most of what I’ve learned.
Plus, that was like ten years ago, but I can still remember a modest amount.”
I know we might be having another lengthy conversation, so we sit down at the edge of the bed. I wonder if Karina as any Latin blood in her at all, or something that would prompt her to take four years of Spanish. “Is your heritage what tempted you to take Spanish, or did you just like the language?” I ask.
“No,” she says, “I guess it was the only language to learn at the time. My schools only offered Spanish as a foreign language, which stands to reason, living in Texas and all. There are people literally everywhere who speak Spanish. I don’t know about now, but back then, I could carry a decent conversation with another person. But you wanna know the real reason I wanted to learn a second language?”
“What would that be?” I ask, intrigued.
“Privacy,” she answers, “There’s a lot of people who like to listen in on other’s conversations or butt in on them. Having something different to speak makes a conversation more private, particularly if you’re talking about something you don’t want the whole world to hear. Sure, Spanish might not have been the best option, but there was nothing else at the time. Honestly, I’d really love to learn French now.”
“I’d love to teach you some sometime,” I offer.
“Thanks,” she returns, “And hopefully this time it doesn’t escape me.”
“Well then, we’ll just have to have regular conversations, now won’t we?” I say.
“So how did you come to learn such a variety of languages yourself? Did you learn them all in school as well?” she wonders.
“Spanish, yes, like you, but the others I learned from studying myself,” I explain. “I’m not perfectly fluent, but I do know quite a bit.”
“Hmm,” mutters Karina, finding my knowledge of foreign languages interesting. “I think I’ll just set this right beside the lamp.” I liked how the picture looked underneath the light of the lamp.
“How did you know that picture was my favorite, by the way?” I ask.
“Oh, I didn’t. Is it? For some reason, maybe even the same reason, it was my favorite too. In this one, you get all of me. In most of them, you either get a close up of my face, or just my top half. I don’t really know, I guess I somehow like this one the most. Even though my face isn’t visible, you already know what I look like. Why was it your favorite?” she asks.
“I’m not too sure myself, either,” I say, actually unsure. “Maybe for the same reason.
”
Soon afterwards, we decide to eat once again, this time takeout. I bring the food back to her place, and we eat while watching television in the other room. Once we were done eating, we continue to sit on her couch, with the lights off, the only light coming from the television set. Tonight felt unlike the other night when we were watching a movie at my place. There, we kept a respectful distance from one another, us two only being newly acquainted at the time. Now, she’s cuddled up next to me, and I’m unsure if she’s fallen asleep. I can’t see her eyes. After a while, I decide it’s time to go to bed
. I don’t know if Karina would like me to stay over tonight or not. I wouldn’t want to impose.