Authors: Joe R. Lansdale
“You’d have gone back to prison.”
“Big shit. I’d have been just as happy if they’d killed me.”
“And now?”
“I don’t know. If my son’s alive I want to find him. It
makes all the difference in the world.”
I had been standing. I found the only chair in the room and
sat down on it. It groaned as if in pain.
“They don’t hold back on expense here, do they?” Russel
said.
“Was your cell any better?” I was feeling mean. I still
didn’t like the sonofabitch and he had just admitted that he could have killed
me and slept.
But my question didn’t bother him. He actually considered
it.
“The only thing that made the cell bad was that the door was
closed and I couldn’t open it anytime I wanted. But out here, I’m like a duck
out of water. I’ve been away from civilian life too long. I don’t know how to
act. Don’t even know how to talk to a woman anymore. I’m not sure which is
worse. Here or Huntsville.”
“Sad how they make you serve your time, isn’t it?”
He smiled at me. “I deserved my time, Dane. I’m not
complaining.” He found a match then and lit his cigarette. “Last smoke and last
match.”
“I gave you enough money for cigarettes and food. I’ll get
back in touch with you.”
“You’re going to contact Jim Bob?”
“Yeah.”
“It may not be the same one, you know?”
“I know, but with a name like Jim Bob Luke, I figure it is.
I’d more likely think he might not be in the same business.”
“Maybe you could let me talk to him. We used to be friends.”
“So you’ve said. Maybe that’s enough reason for me to leave
that sucker alone.”
“He’s wiser than me,” Russel said. “He believes in justice
and truth and liberty and all that shit.”
“All right, you talk to him. They’ve got a pay phone here.
When you’ve gotten some rest and you think he might be up, call him.”
Daybreak was edging in the open doorway and that made me
think of Ann and Jordan. “I have to go home,” I said.
“When will I hear from you?”
"I don’t know. I’ve got some thinking to do. You get
something from Jim Bob Luke, you call me. My number’s in the book.”
I stood up.
“Dane, an apology isn’t much after what I did—”
“No, it isn’t.”
“But I’m offering it.”
“Wouldn’t have done me much good if you’d have killed me and
my family.”
“I wouldn’t have killed your family. Just you.”
“That makes me feel a sight better, Russel.”
“Put yourself in my situation and think about what you’d
have done.”
“I wouldn’t have done what you did.”
“That wasn’t much thought on the matter.”
“I know I wouldn’t have done what you did.”
“No, I don’t think you would have either. I’m not offering
an excuse, just an apology.”
“Your apology is shit, Russel.”
“We’re going to have to work together on this. Me finding my
son and you finding out who you killed, what this is all about. We might as
well get along and learn to trust one another.”
“I don’t know if I can trust you completely, Russel. I’m
already having my doubts and thinking I should have left you where you were.
Maybe you don’t deserve a son.”
“I can’t argue with that.”
I didn’t like the way this was going. “Just lay low. You get
in trouble and you’re on your own. I can’t help you anymore, and I wouldn’t if
I could.”
“We’re going to be helping each other plenty if we get into
this. If the cops are in on it like you say, they aren’t going to hand us the
answers on a platter.”
“Rest. I’ll see you later.”
I stopped off at the phone booth between the Fina and the
doughnut shop and called home and didn’t explain much, just said I’d be there
shortly and I wasn’t going to work today. After that I called Valerie and told
her I wouldn’t be in and to take her key.
When I finished talking and started driving home, I thought
about what I had done and I wondered how I was going to explain it to Ann. I
wasn’t sure I could explain it to myself. Russel was an ex-con and he wasn’t
any saint and he didn’t need a son. He needed a nice warm cell and someone to
feed him and tell him when to bathe and when to shit and when to breathe. Why
did I want to bother with him anyway? What could possibly come of this? Even if
I found out who I killed, how would that change things? A dead Wilbur Smith is
no better than a dead John Doe. The earth would not shift on its axis either
way.
So how did I explain? What could I tell Ann that would make
her understand? Should I say that Russel had hands like my father?
19
When I came in Ann was fixing toast.
“You want some?”
“No. I had a doughnut in town. I’ll have some coffee with
you, though.”
“What was with the note? Where have you been?”
“Where’s Jordan?” I asked.
“Asleep still. I thought I’d let him skip day school today.
I called in at work. I’m not going either. What about my question?”
“I went to the police station.”
She considered that a moment. “About getting the door
fixed?”
“No. I went to talk to them about Russel.”
“Yeah?”
“I asked them to let him go.”
She was busy putting her toast on the plate and now she
turned to look at me. “Letting him go?”
“I found a wallet in Jordan’s bedroom. Russel’s. It had a
picture of his son in it. It wasn’t the man I shot.”
“You asked the police to let that bastard go after what he
did?”
“There wasn’t any way it was Freddy Russel. This guy didn’t
look anything like him. The man I shot wasn’t Freddy Russel. I went and asked
them to let him go and they did.”
Her knees went weak and she dropped the plate and the toast.
The plate broke and the toast went sliding under the table. She leaned her back
against the counter and I went over there to help her.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “Don’t touch me.”
“Listen, I spent all morning with Russel.”
“God, they really let him out?”
“He wants to find out the same things I do. Who it was I
shot and why they said it was his son and where his son is. We’re going to hire
a private detective out of Houston.”
“Richard, you’ve gone nuts. That man tried to kill Jordan.”
“He couldn’t do it.”
“He tried to kill you. If I hadn’t hit him with that goddamn
lamp he would have.”
“Maybe,” I said. “I don’t think so. He was a little crazy is
all.”
“And now he’s cured?”
“I spent all morning with him and he didn’t try a thing. He
talked sensibly. I think he can be trusted. I put him up in a motel.”
Ann went over to the table and pulled out a chair and sat
down. “You did what?”
“I put him up in a motel. I’m supposed to call him later.”
“Why don’t you invite him for supper, you dumb shit? Invite
him over. Ask him what he wants to eat, ask him what his favorite is. When he’s
finished dinner he can take me in the bedroom and fuck me then kill you and
Jordan. Maybe then he might like to set the house on fire. We’ve got plenty of
matches and we could always buy some kerosene. Have it on hand.”
“Ann, you’re not being reasonable.”
“I’m not? Godalmighty, Richard. What in the world has gotten
into you? You’ve flipped that little pea brain of yours.”
“Don’t talk so loud, you’ll wake Jordan up.”
“I’ll talk any goddamn way I want to… God, Jesus Christ,
Richard… They let him out?”
“That’s why I know the police were in on this. Hiding the
burglar’s identity. Giving him Freddy Russel’s name. Think about it. They
wouldn’t have let him out that easy, they just wouldn’t. They didn’t want me to
bring in a lawyer and get the whole thing in court and bring some things out
they didn’t want to talk about.”
She hadn’t been looking at me, but now she turned her lovely
green eyes on me and stared, didn’t say a word, just stared. I felt like I
should start braying.
“I can’t believe you,” she said. “I just can’t.” Then she
got up and left the room.
I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat at the table and
looked at the coffee, and after a while I got up and poured it in the sink and
cleaned up the toast and broken dish. I went into the living room and stretched
out on our new couch, and I was more exhausted than I thought. I fell asleep
immediately, only to be awakened by a soft movement on my forehead.
I opened my eyes and Ann was on her knees next to the couch
leaning over me. Her blond hair was falling down her face and onto mine and I
could see the fine crow’s feet that had just begun to form at the edge of her
magnificent eyes and they looked just fine to me. She had her hand on my
forehead, and she was pushing my hair back. “You’re right,” she said. “They wouldn’t
have let him go that easy. There’s something going on. I think what you did was
stupid and you should have talked to me first, but you’re right, them letting
him go like that doesn’t add up. Tell me all of it. Top to bottom.”
“After I kiss you,” I said.
· · ·
My appetite came back and we had coffee and toast and I told
her all of it again only in greater detail. I told her exactly how Russel had
acted and what he had said to me, and I told her about this Jim Bob Luke
character who might be a detective Russel once knew.
“Baby,” she said, “I don’t want to reopen the wound, but
Russel could be crazy as a loon, and even if you didn’t kill his son, he may
not believe you. He may be planning to get in your good graces so he can get to
Jordan. I just think what you did was… stupid.”
“Maybe. But he had his chance to kill Jordan and I couldn’t
have stopped him. He chose not to. He had his chance to kill me today, and I
think had he wanted to he would have done it and damned anyone seeing him. I
don’t think he would have cared, because he knew the police would know he did
it, since I was stupid enough to drive off with him. No, I think the man was
literally out of his mind from grief, and when it came down to root hog or die,
he couldn’t do it. It took all the wind out of his sails. All he wants now is
to find his son. I’m not saying I like the guy, I’m just saying I’m not afraid
of him now.”
“Okay, he’s out. But what’s it to you, baby? He can search
for his son on his own.”
“He hasn’t got the money.”
“That’s his problem,” I could see the spark coming back into
her eyes and I wanted to fan it down before we went through a similar scene
like the earlier one. Ann had a temper, and even when she cooled, she could
flare up faster than a windblown coal.
“The money isn’t just for him. He finds his son, I can find
out who it was I killed.”
“What’s it matter?”
“I can find out why the police are doing this.”
“Again, what’s it matter? Jordan is safe, we’re safe, and
now Russel is free. Justice is served, and if there’s any more to it, that’s
Russel’s problem. It doesn’t matter what the burglar’s name was. He isn’t
anyone we’d want to know. He tried to kill you.”
“It’s the principle of the thing.”
“Principle. Who has principles?”
“I do.”
“Yeah, tough guy. The macho code.”
“It’s more than that. I can’t look myself in the eye if I
just drop it.”
“So quit using mirrors.”
“Shit, Ann, I can’t do it. You know me better than that.”
“This honor stuff has been okay up until now and kind of
cute, Richard. You’ve railed about it before, and it was always something
trivial. You told the truth when you could have lied and bettered yourself.
Admirable. You stood by a friend when he was down. Nice. You had scruples.
Wonderful. But it’s Sunday school stuff. It’s not for real life. Not when it
gets big and nasty, baby.”
“Price gave me a similar speech from a different angle. He
didn’t call me baby though.”
She almost smiled at me. “This is something to do with the
law. Maybe they know what they’re doing. Maybe it’s best we don’t know.”
“They could have gotten one of us killed just by lying, by
saying the man I shot was Freddy Russel. If they hadn’t lied in the first
place, none of this would have happened. I want to know why.”
“You want to make sure you don’t tarnish your damn honor,”
she said, getting up a bit too quickly and pouring herself a fresh cup of
coffee and sloshing it onto the counter.
“It’s something to believe in. It makes me believe in
myself, and with what faults I’ve got, I’ve got that to believe in, and it’s the
only thing I can pass on to my son that’s worth a shit. It’s all I have of my
Dad.”
“He shot himself, Richard. His sense of honor didn’t keep
him from doing that. He found out your mother was cheating on him and he
couldn’t take it. It offended his macho pride and he blew his brains out… Oh,
Richard, I didn’t mean to say that… Not that way.”
I sat silent for a moment. “I think he shot himself because
he failed himself. He didn’t live up to the man he thought he ought to be. I
think he felt like he was taking seconds when he took his wife to bed at night
and that he was learning to be satisfied with it. He knew he should have
confronted her or left, or both, but he couldn’t, and that was the thing he
couldn’t live with, being weak that way. He found it easier to go all the way
out than to just walk out.”
“You’re guessing, Richard.”
“Yeah, but I think I’m right. I can sympathize with him not
feeling he was living up to who he wanted to be. I’m not saying if I don’t do
this thing I’ll kill myself, because I won’t, but I am saying, I’d like to see
what I’m made of. I don’t think I can come home and watch TV and read the
newspapers and let this go like nothing ever happened. It would eat at my guts
for the rest of my life. Aren’t you in the least bit curious, Ann? Don’t you
want to know what’s going on and why?”
She started to say no, then paused. “All right,” she said.
“Let’s see if we can find out what it’s all about.”