Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) (5 page)

KELLY:
Human nature, Shawn, not democracy. Poor old human nature.

CULLEN:
It doesn’t matter where you hold the Fair, you’ll have to drive the animals there and back and how are you going to make them behave themselves?

TOWN CLERK:
(
Moving over to the Chairman’s left with a heap of ledgers.
) I was just saying, Chairman, that I’m off to Dublin some of these fine days to the Department about a certain ting. The personal touch is a very important ting, you know.

REILLY:
‘Touch’ is right. Up to Dublin on the ratepayers’ money to bum drinks off the highest in the land and to work some electioneering twist.

KELLY:
Gentlemen, we must have some order, some system, a little mutual respect. The Town Clerk will go to Dublin when he is instructed to do so by the Council. In the meantime, Mr. Reilly, he is entitled to the respect that is due to his office—

REILLY:
Ah, yerra——

KELLY:
—as Chief Executive Officer of this town. The dignity of the town is represented in his person.

REILLY:
(
Sarcastically.
) I see.

SHAWN:
Just as a Minister or a deputy is entitled to the respect that is due to the sovereign people of Ireland. Do you understand me, Martin? The Irish nation. (
He begins to pick his teeth.
)

CULLEN:
I don’t see anything wrong with the Town Clerk, and Cork isn’t the worst place to come from. Didn’t Foley the sculptor come from Cork.

REILLY:
Who?

CULLEN:
Foley.

REILLY:
I suppose he died for Ireland, too.

KELLY:
(
He raps the table gently with his spectacle-case.
) Now, gentlemen, order, ORDER. A little bit of order, now. Mr. Kilshaughraun, I would like your attention, please.

SHAWN:
(
Desisting from picking his teeth abstractedly.
) I do, I do, Mr. Chairman, I do, I do.

KELLY:
And yours, Mr. Cullen. Mr. Reilly, too. I have a meeting with the P.P. at nine and we will want to proceed with expedition . . . and despatch so that I may get away in time. A little matter of the Christmas Coal Fund, very trivial but very important to the unfortunate poor of this town. Now, Town Clerk.

TOWN CLERK:
(
In a toneless, official voice.
) De following members are absent from this meeting, Mr. P. Meady, Mr. George Pealahan, Mrs. Mary Corkey——

SHAWN:
(
With feeling.
) Ah, the poor woman, the poor . . . suffering . . . patient . . . pious . . . decent, saintly . . . soul, she’ll never lave that bed again. Sure I seen her——

TOWN CLERK:
(
Raising his voice.
) Mr. J. D. Callen and Mr. Joe Hoop.

CULLEN:
I agree with you.

SHAWN:
Dr. Dan says it’s only a question of time. Decent woman, too. (
JOE HOOP
enters.
) O, here’s Joe. Good night Joe, you’re just in time.

HOOP:
(
In a pronounced northern accent and giving a broad smile.
) Good night.

(
He is a tall, youngish man, hatless and coatless, wears glasses and is of somewhat studious aspect. He carries what appears to be a novel in his hand. He slumps into his chair, opens the book, which he holds half under the table, and begins to read it. He pays no attention whatever to the meeting, reading his book steadily to the end. He sits right of table between
REILLY
and
CULLEN
.)

TOWN CLERK:
(
Speaking in a toneless headlong babble.
) The Minutes of the last meeting. Letter from the Department was read in connexion with the Council’s housing scheme: letter was noted. Letter from the Commissioners of Public Works was read in connexion with de preservation of de old clocktower in Hogan Street: ordered dat de Council view dis proposal with approval and Town Clerk to co-operate with de Commissioners to de best of his ability, no charge to fall upon de rates from his preservation proposal. Letter read from de Department in connexion with de Council’s share in next year’s allocation under de Free Milk Scheme: ordered dat de Council press for high allocation in view of large number of expectant mothers now on de rates and de depressed state of de town ginerally. (
His voice tails off as a conversation begins.
)

CULLEN:
Tell me, Chairman. Is it true you’re going up at the byelection?

KELLY:
That is a big question, Mr. Cullen.

REILLY:
If you’re not, it won’t be for want of having a high opinion of yourself, anyway.

CULLEN:
It’s all over the town that you’re going up.

KELLY:
Gentlemen, I am not yet quite certain where my duty lies. My desire is to serve. Whether I can best serve by offering myself as a candidate for the national parliament is a matter of consideration.

REILLY:
(
Impatiently.
) Are you going up? Yes or no? Cut out the blather.

KELLY:
This much I will say. I have been pressed to go forward. Certain friends are very insistent. Certain friends will not take No. I may have to stand eventually to satisfy them. I only wish I was as worthy as their opinion of me would indicate.

REILLY:
It must be terrible to be pushed like that against your will.

CULLEN:
Well, more luck to you if you do decide to stand. You’ll get two votes from my house, anyway.

KELLY:
Thank you, Mr. Cullen.

REILLY:
Begob, if you ask me, this bloody country’s on its last legs. With you in parliament it’ll be the limit altogether.

KELLY:
I’m not in the parliament yet, Mr. Reilly. Let us cross that bridge when we come to it. Proceed, Town Clerk.

TOWN CLERK:
Letter read from Miss Peake, typist, asking de Council for increase of 5/- a week in her salary: ordered dat de increase be given in view of Miss Peake’s valuable services to de Council and de Community, subject to de sanction of de Minister for Local Government and Public Health and Department to be informed dat Miss Peake has five years’ unblemished service in which she discharged her duties with great zeal and efficiency to de satisfaction of de Council and de Town Clerk and dat she worked late on several occasions in de office of de Town Surveyor when he was getting his works into order and dat she is a very good girl in every way. Letter read from de Department inquiring what action de council took on Circular letter of 10th May in connexion with de cleaning of burial ground: ordered dat de department be informed dat de grave-yard is in a first-class condition and always has been and dat no action be taken on de Circular. De Council discussed de disgraceful condition of de footpath in Emmet Street near de Chairman’s house. Chairman said dat de place was a menace to life and limb of a dark night and dat de road contractor be warned to put the road into proper repair de way he found it and dat de Town Surveyor be ordered to put up a new lamp at dis place, which is very dangerous to pedestrian and vehicular traffic of a dark night. (
Voice trails off.
)

CULLEN:
Do you know, I don’t see any necessity for an election. There’s no need for it.

REILLY:
You’re right there. We’re as bad as we are, but there’s no reason for getting ourselves into a worse mess.

CULLEN:
Because what have they to do only get together, sink their differences and form a strong national government, a government that everybody in the land will respect?

KELLY:
Ah, Mr. Cullen, if only poor old human nature could be mastered; if only we could re-mould the universe nearer to the heart’s desire. I’m afraid poor old human nature is the trouble.

REILLY:
Don’t deprive the poor Chairman of his chance, Tom.

CULLEN:
Why not, Mr. Kelly?

KELLY:
I fear such a plan would not work, Mr. Cullen.

(
TOWN CLERK
,
still at Minutes, mumbles something about filling of Rate Collectorship.
)

CULLEN:
But why, Mr. Kelly?

KELLY:
Because between the parties, Mr. Cullen, there is what we call . . . an ideological . . . antipathy.

REILLY:
A what?

KELLY:
Do I make myself clear, Mr. Cullen?

CULLEN:
(
Very doubtful.
) Well . . . that’s right, too . . . but still. . . .

KELLY:
Oil and water, Mr. Cullen.

CULLEN:
All the same, I don’t see why they don’t bury the hatchet and forget their differences and form a good strong national government composed of the best elements in the country. I mean—who wants an election?

REILLY:
The Chairman.

KELLY:
(
Sternly.
) What the Chairman wants, Mr. Reilly, is a little order so that we may transact our business. The election is a constitutional requirement and must be accepted by all loyal citizens. (
He turns to Town Clerk and signs Minute Book. Then, briskly:
) Now, Town Clerk, what have we got on the Agenda?

TOWN CLERK:
(
Briskly.
) I’ve a few letters here, Chairman. Here’s the usual one from the Tourist Association asking for the three guineas. We pay every year.

SHAWN:
(
Nodding heavily.
) I do, I do. Nivir was money better spent. We must do everything in our power to bring the beauties of this town that is so full of grand . . . historical . . . rich . . . archaeological and scenic wonders to the notice of the world at large—and to the notice of our own grand flesh and blood beyond the seas, the seadivided Gael in America. Not three guineas I’d give them but four.

REILLY:
I never seen an American in this town in me life bar lads that come with Duffy’s Circus.

CULLEN:
Ah, sure we might as well pay. It won’t break us.

KELLY:
I think we are agreed that the subscription should be renewed. It would be a very retrograde step to cancel it. Results in such cases must be slow.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Repeating slowly what he is writing.
) ‘Ordered . . . dat . . . de subscription . . . be . . . renewed.’ (
Proceeds.
) I’ve a letter here again from lad Shandon about de Small Dwellings loan. It’s not a nice letter at all. He’s very sharp. He talks about gombeen men. Will I read it for ye?

KELLY:
(
Annoyed.
) No. Mark the letter ‘read.’

REILLY:
I’ll back up any ratepayer but not that tinker’s son. Tell him to go and have a jump for himself.

KELLY:
(
Fingering his watch.
) Now, Town Clerk, what else have we?

TOWN CLERK:
I’ve another letter from de Department here about Miss Peake de typist. (
He lifts his head from his papers.
) Begorrah, do ‘oo know, they are very angry with us. (
He reads.
) ‘De proposal cannot in any circumstances be entertained. This officer is on her present scale, thirty shillings by five to forty-five shillings, for only one year and it is considered that this represents adequate remuneration having regard to de extent of her duties.’

REILLY:
(
Angrily.
) I suppose what we think doesn’t matter.

SHAWN:
Ah, you know, the Government machine is a very slow . . . sure . . . finely tempered instrument. They do have to refuse everything to be on the safe side.

REILLY:
(
Ignoring
SHAWN
,
his voice rising.
) I suppose the chosen and elected representatives of the people don’t matter at all. They’re just something for some jackeen in a Dublin back-office to kick around.

KELLY:
(
In mild deprecation.
) Now, Mr. Reilly, where will that get us?

CULLEN:
(
Innocently.
) It’s a shame, because Miss Peake is a nice good little girl. A cousin of your own, Martin, I believe? A fine girl, God bless her.

REILLY:
And what are you yapping about? What about it if she is a cousin of mine? Doesn’t she earn her hard-earned salary?

CULLEN:
Lord, I never said a word against her.

TOWN CLERK:
Of course, de increase would have to come out of de rates.

REILLY:
(
Exploding.
) What are you bleating and blathering about, you Cork fly-be-night, bleeding and besting the ratepayers to the tune of four hundred and fifty pounds a year with your fine fat fees for fairs and markets, too bloody cute to take a bottle of stout but up to Dublin on the bum on the two train every Saturday?

KELLY:
Order, Mr. Reilly, please. ORDER!

REILLY:
I don’t give a damn for you, the Minister or anybody else. (
He snaps his fingers.
) I don’t give that for you.

SHAWN:
Yerra, now, we’ll put de increase up again.

KELLY:
I propose that we ask the Minister to reconsider the matter, Mr. Kilshaughraun, to kindly interest himself in the matter on behalf of the Council. Is that agreed?

(
REILLY, CULLEN
and
SHAWN
relax.
)

TOWN CLERK:
(
Recording the decision.
) Carried unanimously, Nem. con., as the man said.

KELLY:
(
Briskly.
) Well, next business, please.

TOWN CLERK:
De next item is de election of a rate collector for de Number Two district. (
Sensation.
)

REILLY:
(
Astonished.
) WHAT!

CULLEN:
(
Seriously, very surprised.
) What’s this, in the name of God? How could that be? How in God’s name could that be, Town Clerk?