Authors: Cassandra Carr
“Yep.” He continued to stare at the sky above as if it held
the answers to the questions swirling in his mind. Finally he went over to
Leah’s hotel room and after sinking into her warmth until both of them were
sated, he tried to sleep as best he could. A tired, distracted bull rider was a
dead bull rider.
* * * * *
Her last days on the tour were upon her before Leah even
realized. She was leaving tomorrow, going back to Stamford and her regular life,
but she couldn’t muster up much enthusiasm for it. Sure, she wanted to get back
on the ice, but somehow it didn’t mean as much without Brady to push her, to
encourage her. And she certainly couldn’t count on that—he’d made no
declarations.
Truth be told, she wasn’t sure what she would say if he did.
She loved him. That much had become clear over the past few days. However, she
didn’t know where he would fit in her life. She had her skating, he had the
tour. Both involved extensive travel. When would they even see each other? And
more importantly, she’d never been in love before. She recognized it for what
it was, but what if she did something wrong? The last thing she wanted to do was
hurt Brady. Maybe it would be better to cut and run.
She was meeting everybody at the Airstream, and when she
approached, the heavenly aroma of coffee practically pulled her inside. Conner
appeared to be the only one up, sitting at the table with a steaming cup of
coffee in front of him, reading a book.
He stood and smiled. “Hey, darlin’. Sleep well?”
She looked up—way up—at him. “How tall are you?”
Conner laughed. “Six foot four. Why?”
“I think this is the first time I’ve truly noticed your
height. You’re huge.” When he started to smirk, she slapped his arm. “Keep your
mind out of the gutter. So, can I have some coffee?”
“Sure, I made a whole pot. Jessica’s a bear without her
coffee.” Moving away from her, he took a mug down from a high cupboard and
filled it.
After adding cream and sugar she sat down at the table,
regarding him after he folded himself back into the seat opposite her. “You’ve
been so great to me since I got here, and I want you to know how much I
appreciate that. You and Jessica both.” Reaching over, she squeezed his hand.
Conner gave her a warm smile as he squeezed her hand back.
Then his smile turned evil. “Better not let Brady see you touching me. I know
how I react when other people touch Jess.” Pulling his hand out of hers, he
playfully tapped her nose.
“Why?”
“Let’s just say guys tend to be jealous types.”
“Is that so?”
Conner tilted his head as he regarded her. “Does that bother
you?”
“No…” Leah began. “I’m just surprised he’s feeling
possessive. I mean, he wasn’t happy when I was talking to Marco, but he hasn’t
seemed to be bothered when other guys talk to me.” Conner barked out a laugh
and she narrowed her eyes at him. “Besides, Brady hasn’t said anything about
wanting to see me after I leave. I guess I assumed this was just a fleeting
thing for him.”
“Yeah, about that…”
Further comment from Conner was impossible as Brady stepped
out of the bedroom. His gaze shifted from her to Conner and back to her.
“Mornin’.” Stepping to the stove, he poured a cup of coffee for himself and
motioned for her to move over. Resting his arm on the back of the seat, he said,
“What’d I miss?”
“Nothing,” Leah lied. “We were just talking about how my
time on the tour is almost up.”
A muscle ticked in Brady’s jaw, but he remained otherwise
expressionless. Leah glanced at Conner, who was hiding a smile behind his cup.
Did he know something she didn’t? Taking another swallow of the strong brew,
she said, “I should go soon. Aaron Jackson wants to see me this morning.”
“So you’ll meet us in the riders’ area when you’re done?”
Brady asked her.
“That sounds good.”
Once outside a little while later, she bit her lip. Wasn’t
it a good thing if he didn’t pursue her after the promo tour was over? What did
she really have to offer Brady? Money? Nope, he didn’t need it—he had plenty of
his own. Great sex? Sure, but he could find that elsewhere for a lot less
hassle. Love? Maybe, but what if he didn’t want it? What if he didn’t love her
back? And even if he did, she wasn’t sure how to go about having a real
relationship. Their lives were so different. How could they ever make a go of
it when both of them were traveling and concentrating on their careers? No
matter how many times she tried to tell herself it was for the best, though,
another little piece of her heart sliced off and left her bleeding.
Much as it pained her, killed her, really, it was better to
go their separate ways. There were too many obstacles to overcome. And if she
messed up a guy as great as Brady because she didn’t know how to love someone,
she’d never forgive herself. But how could she make him understand? Sighing,
she began the short trek to the arena.
After her meeting with Aaron, where he thanked her for her
time and said he thought the tour had been a success, she spent the rest of the
day mingling amongst the fans, signing autographs, taking pictures and
answering questions. She didn’t stop until it was time for Conner and Brady to
ride, then she finally made her way down to the chutes to watch with Jessica.
Both men stayed on their bulls and received scores that put them in the top
five finishers. As they left the arena, Brady was unusually quiet.
Her patience snapped and she asked, “Is something wrong?”
Turning toward her, he raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
“Because you’re acting all quiet and weird.”
“Look, let’s just go get something to eat. We can talk
there.”
Frustrated, she nodded. Once they were seated in a diner and
had ordered, though, she pushed him. “Brady, tell me what’s going on.” She
realized how angry she sounded, but she refused to wonder why.
He looked up, the surprise at her tone evident on his face.
“So you’re leaving tomorrow?”
“Yes, but you know all this, Brady. What’s wrong? And don’t
tell me nothing.”
“I don’t wanna let you go,” he blurted, then swore to
himself, rubbing the back of his neck before raising his gaze to her.
“What?”
He looked annoyed. Whether at himself or her, she wasn’t
sure, but she intended to find out. “You heard me.” He stopped and then started
again. “I mean, obviously I’m not gonna stop you from leaving, but I have no
intention of that being the last time we see each other.”
“Brady…” Leah pinched the bridge of her nose, willing the
tears welling up to stay inside. We live too far away. We both travel. Our
lives are so different.” They were weak excuses, but how could she tell him she
was convinced she’d destroy him sooner or later? Brady shook his head and took
her hand in his, kissing her palm.
“I think we have something good, and I refuse to let you
walk away from it. Why can’t we just try?”
“I-I can’t. I need to concentrate on my skating.”
Brady made a noise. “How many more lame excuses are you
gonna give me?”
“They’re not lame,” she whispered, unbidden panic rising.
Why couldn’t he let this go? The more he argued, the harder it was for her. She
wanted nothing more than to say yes, but letting Brady hand her his heart was
wrong. There was no way it would work and Leah couldn’t do that to him.
“Yes, they are lame, and you know it. Why are you pushing me
away?” Brady’s voice was angry and heated, his eyes flashing as his gaze bore
into her.
“I just can’t do it, Brady. You’re going places. You’re at
the height of your career. Even if you think differently now, you don’t want to
be saddled with an albatross like me.” Leah briefly closed her eyes, willing
her heart to stop breaking. If she gave in now…
Pulling her hand away with a swift jerk, she rose. His mouth
fell open in shock. “Where are you going?”
“I should go. I
have
to go. It’s better this way.
You’ll see.” Turning, she ran out of the diner. She heard Brady cursing behind
her, but she took off running toward the hotel a block away.
“Leah, dammit, wait!”
She kept running, tears streaming out of the corners of her
eyes. Now that she’d left him she couldn’t stop. She knew this was crazy,
especially given the potential to reinjure her ankle by running in cowboy
boots, but kept going anyway. Chancing a glance backward she saw Brady had
stopped. As she looked back again she saw him running back in the other
direction, presumably toward his truck. Reaching the hotel, she threw open the
front door and made for the elevator, ducking her face from curious stares.
Once she reached her room, she immediately began to throw
things into her suitcase, calling James on her cell phone at the same time.
He answered on the third ring. “Hello?”
“James?”
“Leah, is that you? Are you all right?”
“I need a flight. Tonight.”
“Leah, what’s going on? Are you hurt?”
Leah chuckled through her tears. “Not physically.”
“What did he do to you?” She’d never heard that deadly tone
from James, and it pulled her up short.
“He didn’t do anything. I did. I did it all. Oh God, I messed
things up this time. James, please, get me out of here.”
“All right. Calm down. I’ll call the airlines and let you
know what I could get.”
A knock sounded at the door and Leah swore. “I’ve got to go.
That’s probably Brady.”
Her assumption was proven correct when he banged on the door
again, bellowing, “Leah, fucking-a. Open the damn door!”
James said, “Leah, promise me you’re not in danger. Swear
it.”
“I’m not. He would never hurt me, despite what I just did to
him. Find me a flight, please.”
“I’ll call you as soon as I can.” James hung up and Leah
heard pounding again.
“Dammit! Leah!”
Shuffling to the door, she leaned her cheek against it. “Go
away, Brady.”
“Open the fucking door!”
“I’m leaving tonight. It’s over.”
“It’s not over.” Wincing, she heard him release a stream of
profanities. His voice gentled. “Leah, talk to me. Why are you doing this?”
“It’s for your own good. You’ll see that someday. I’m
sorry.” She paused for a second, but he didn’t say anything so she continued.
“I’m not going to open the door. James is getting me a flight and I’m leaving.
Go home, Brady.”
“Please,” Brady begged. “Don’t do this, Leah.”
“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “Brady, you deserve someone so
much better than me.” Her voice cracked and she willed herself to say, “Go home.”
She looked out the peephole to see if he was leaving, but reared back when he
punched the door. Feeling bile rise in her throat, she looked out again.
“Fuck!” Turning away from her, he shook his hand. “I just
broke my fucking hand! Dammit!”
A door opened across the hall and a woman looked out. “Young
man, if you don’t stop screaming and swearing I’m going to call security.”
“Yeah, you do that,” he sneered at her. Turning back toward
her door, he said, “Fine, Leah. I can’t make you open the door.” He leaned his
uninjured hand on the wall next to the door, his head dropping. When he finally
looked up she saw so much raw pain in his eyes it took her breath away. Did he
really love her? Was she making a terrible mistake?
She’d almost made the decision to open the door when he
pushed away from the wall and stalked away, shaking his hand and swearing.
Slumping against the door, she closed her eyes as the tears started fresh. Why
did it have to hurt so much? Why couldn’t she just give in? What was wrong with
her that when the chance to maybe be happy came along she pushed it away? Right
now she wanted to damn her parents to hell and back. Swiping at another tear,
she forced herself to finish packing.
James called a short while later. “I’ve got you on a flight
out at six a.m. That’s the best I could do.”
Leah sighed. “All right. Thanks, James.” At least it was
almost twelve hours earlier than the other flight she’d been scheduled to take.
“Take care of yourself. I’ll pick you up from the airport
and then you’re going to tell me what’s going on. I will not leave this alone. I’ve
never known you to be this upset in all the years we’ve been together.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve never been in love.” Saying the word left
a bitter taste in her mouth.
“Love?”
She could tell he was gearing up to discuss it now and she
nipped that in the bud. “I’m tired, James. I can’t deal with this right now.
I’ll fall apart. We’ll talk tomorrow. I promise.”
“I’m holding you to that.”
A ghost of a smile formed on her lips. “I’d expect nothing
less.”
Once her packing was finally completed she dropped into bed,
tossing and turning until her alarm went off at three-thirty the next morning.
After boarding the plane, she placed her hand on the window,
looking out blindly. Whispering, she said, “Goodbye, Brady. I love you. I
always will. Please try to understand. I just hope you can forgive me someday,
because I’ll never forgive myself.”
Brady woke up at the crack of dawn, his eyes crusty and
sore. He’d never cried over a woman before, but last night he had. Thankfully,
Conner and Jessica had decided to go out and hadn’t gotten home until late.
He rose, dressing quickly. Tiptoeing past his sleeping
friends, he left the trailer and headed for a different diner than the one
where he and Leah had been last night. He couldn’t even bear to look at that
place. Seating himself in a booth, he ordered coffee. She was probably already
gone. How had everything gotten so fucked-up?
After going through four cups of coffee, he was practically
vibrating, but his mood hadn’t improved one bit. His cell phone rang and he
grabbed it, looking at the caller ID. Sighing, he answered the phone.
“Where are ya, bud?”
“At a diner.”
“Which one? Do you mind if we come meet you guys? I’m
starving.”
“Feel free, but Leah isn’t here. She’s gone.”
“Whaddya mean, she’s gone? Wasn’t she supposed to stay until
tonight?”
“She was supposed to, yes, but she’s gone. Forever.” His
voice cracked and he pulled his hat even lower over his eyes, damning himself
for his weakness.
“Shit. Where are you?”
“The Odyssey.”
“Is that walking distance?”
“Yeah, it’s about three blocks down to your left.”
“Be there in twenty. Don’t you fucking move.”
Brady chuckled without humor. “Don’t worry, I’m not going
anywhere.”
He went back to sipping his coffee. His hand was bruised and
swollen and he was pretty sure he’d broken it. If he was smart he’d go to the
emergency room and have them x-ray it, but he just couldn’t summon up enough
energy to bother. He had to ride tomorrow night too. At least he’d punched her
door with his free hand, not his roping hand.
Conner and Jessica rushed in a short time later, spotting
Brady and striding to the booth. Sliding in across from him, Conner said, “You
look like shit.” He squinted at Brady’s hand. “What the fuck happened to you?”
“I punched the door of Leah’s hotel room.” Flexing it again,
he winced as sharp pain shot straight up his arm.
“Oh my God, Brady. What were you thinking?” Jessica cried.
“Dude, it looks broken,” Conner observed. “Did you have it
x-rayed somewhere?”
“No. I’ll have someone look at it at the next event.
Besides, that’s the least of my problems.”
The waitress came over. After filling a cup for Conner and
Jess and refilling his coffee, she left and Conner turned back to Brady. “What
happened?”
“She doesn’t want to see me anymore.” His voice sounded flat
and dead even to his own ears.
Conner’s eyes narrowed. “Come again?”
“She said it was better this way, that our lives were too
different.”
“So you just let her go?” Jessica asked.
He growled. “I punched her damn door trying to get her to
open it. What more did you want me to do?”
“Okay, calm down, bud. Don’t yell at Jessica. She’s just
trying to help.”
Brady ran his good hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, hon. I
don’t even know what way is up, but I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.
Anyway, she’s gone, so I guess that’s it.”
“You’re not gonna go after her?”
“She sounded pretty positive last night. I told her I wanted
to continue seeing her and she turned me down flat.”
“Did you tell her you love her?”
Brady made a dismissive noise.
“You didn’t, did you?”
“Why would I? She made her own feelings pretty clear and I
didn’t want to look like an even bigger fool than I already did.”
Conner shook his head. “Both of you are too fucking stubborn
for your own good. She loves you. She’s just afraid.”
“Didn’t sound like it,” Brady mumbled.
“Screw what it sounded like. Go after her, Brady,” Jessica
urged.
“No way. I’m not putting myself out there again. If she
wants me she’ll have to come to me.” He clenched his jaw so hard his teeth
clicked.
Conner shook his head, his mouth set in a hard line. “Fine.
Be an ass, then. Let’s go get that hand looked at.” Conner and Jessica stood
and Brady followed, throwing a couple of bills on the table.
Sure enough, there was a hairline fracture in his hand in
the bone that led into his middle finger. How appropriate given the way she’d
verbally flipped him off last night. He let them wrap it in an Ace bandage so
he could still ride and got ready to drive to the next event.
Not surprisingly, he got bucked off right quick, landing
hard on his shoulder as he tried to protect his hand. Now he could add a badly bruised
shoulder to his list of ailments, along with the broken hand and heart he was
already sporting. He made Conner and Jess take him to a bar where he drank
himself into oblivion.
Finally Conner dragged him out of there and they went back
to the trailer, where Brady spent the night heaving up the contents of his
stomach. He fell asleep on the floor outside the bathroom, waking up with a
wicked headache and a mouth that felt as if it was stuffed full of cotton.
Unfortunately, they had to ride again, and he got bucked again. They left right
after for the next stop in St. Louis. Conner drove while Brady leaned against
the door and hoped for death. Thankfully his two friends left him alone.
St. Louis didn’t go any better than Arlington—Brady got
bucked twice and finished out of the money again. His ranking dropped to number
two as Randy took over the points lead. To top it all off, both his shoulder
and his hand throbbed constantly, but he welcomed the pain. At least he knew he
was still alive and it gave him something to focus on besides the mile-wide
hole in his chest.
* * * * *
Back in Stamford, Leah poured whatever energy she could muster
into her skating. She was set to debut both a new short and long program this
season with some added technical elements to try to keep up with the younger
skaters, and though her ankle had healed, it still wasn’t as strong as she’d
like.
She’d done an exhibition two nights ago, and despite having
only done a watered-down version of her long program she’d still fallen on her
triple Lutz and bobbled the landing of the second jump in her last combination.
Her attention was shaken because she knew the event was being televised and
couldn’t stop thinking about how Brady might be watching. It was a foolish idea
since he hadn’t even called her, but it had been enough to rattle her. Whereas
in the past she’d been able to slip on her “Ice Queen” persona and go out there
and skate no matter what circumstances she was facing, it seemed she couldn’t
count on that anymore. Brady had opened her up in more ways than one.
At practice one morning, after falling yet again, she
climbed up, shook her head and skated toward the boards, grabbing a tissue from
the box lying on the ledge. Ever since she’d come home she’d been cursed by
sudden bouts of tears, oftentimes when a little something she saw or heard
reminded her of Brady. She went back and forth a thousand times a day about
whether or not it was a good thing Brady hadn’t called. She’d picked up the
phone to call him at least that many times too, but had always chickened out
and hung up.
True to his word, James had grilled her as soon as she’d
walked off the plane, but mostly kept his opinion to himself, just offering
comfort and support. One of the strangest things that still hurt so much was
that the thing she missed most was Brady’s touch. She’d never been a very
demonstrative person before, but she’d grown used to the way he would rub her
neck as they talked, or hold her at night after they’d made love. Now that was
gone forever.
Sniffling, she’d turned back toward the ice when she heard a
noise. Spinning around, she saw James walking toward her. “Hey. Have you got a
minute?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
He handed her a bottle of water and she couldn’t help but
smile a little. Since she’d been back he’d babied her—bringing her food,
listening to her, even tucking her in one night before he left her house. Their
relationship had always been a little odd, what with James being the closest
thing she had to a friend despite the fact he worked for her, but she’d decided
she needed all the friends she could get right now and had gratefully welcomed
James’ attempts to care for her.
“I’m not sure how to tell you this, so I’m just going to
come out and say it.” She raised a brow. He shifted his weight from foot to
foot, then sighed and placed a hand on the top of the boards. “You’re going to
have to see Brady again.”
Her heart skipped a beat. “I am?” she squeaked out.
“Yes, but I don’t know when. He spoke to David Nelson about
doing some promo stuff for the Association after his season ends in a few
weeks.”
Leah knew very well when the season ended. She’d been
checking the NBT website obsessively, looking for anything that would give her
a link to Brady, no matter how tenuous. She knew it was pathetic, but it was
the only thing she would allow herself to do. Lifting her chin, she said, “He
can do whatever he wants. It’s a free country.” Even as the words left her
mouth she knew how hollow and stupid they sounded, but her pride wouldn’t allow
her to fall apart yet again.
James’ eyes narrowed, but the expression in them was gone
before she could put a name to it. “You’re not upset?”
“How can I be? He’s not coming back for me. Nelson probably
strong-armed him.”
“That’s not how I heard it. Word is he called Nelson himself
and offered to do it.”
Leah couldn’t let the news get her hopes up too much, but a
little spot inside her shattered heart brightened the slightest bit. She knew
she had no one to blame for the current situation but herself, but that didn’t
make it any easier. Throwing on her “Ice Queen” persona, she stood tall. It was
the only way she knew to survive. “I need to get back to work. Thanks for the
water.”
Gliding away, she went back to the middle of the rink to
start her short program from the top. When she glanced over, James was shaking
his head. Finally, he threw up his hands and walked away as she began to skate,
her heart and mind occupied somewhere else, the same place they’d been since
she’d gotten home. Myriad emotions coursed through her, each one piling on the
last—happiness, nervousness, fear, apprehension. By the time she gave up on the
day’s training her stomach was roiling.
Why had he offered to do promo for the Association? Was he
trying to get closer to her? And if that was the case, why didn’t he just call
her, rather than going to this much trouble? Maybe it was supposed to be this
way all along—she couldn’t remember if they’d said Brady would be reciprocating
with the promo duties.
In an effort to forget about seeing Brady again, she threw
herself into her training, spending two hours doing off-ice workouts and ballet
classes and another six hours a day of on-ice training. She still hadn’t
perfected her new triple-triple combination or landed that elusive triple axel.
She knew she needed both the combo and the triple axel in order to stay
competitive, so she just kept pushing and pushing.
She had more exhibitions on the docket and as she kept
performing, her routine did straighten out for her. Though she still missed
Brady terribly, she channeled all that hurt and sadness into her routine,
feeling it through the music. Her choreographer had chosen
Bolero
to
showcase her artistry, an idea Leah would’ve nixed a year ago, as it didn’t
mesh well with her on-ice persona, but she’d decided to throw caution to the
wind and trust him. She found she could lose herself in the music while she was
out there and knew she’d made the right decision. For the first time in a long
time she was truly enjoying competing again. She’d overheard one of the
analysts saying he hadn’t seen her look this energetic in years, and she
couldn’t help but think Brady was the cause. She was going to see him again,
and somehow the idea was propelling her, as if she wanted him to be proud of
her.
Before she knew it, the day had come to go down to New York
City for the opening press conference for the skating season. James drove her
down and stayed with her as she answered question after question about whether
this was her last season competing…did she feel she could keep up with the
younger skaters…how was her ankle? She kept a smile on her face, trying not to
revert to her “Ice Queen” persona no matter how many times it was intimated
that she didn’t have what it took anymore.
She dressed for the opening cocktail party in a Dolce and
Gabbana pleated metallic one-shoulder dress, knowing in the back of her mind
Brady would like it. She remembered how he’d looked in the suit he’d worn when
they went out to dinner—good enough to tempt a nun to sin. And now that she
knew what the body underneath it looked like, hell, what it felt and tasted
like, she couldn’t help wanting another peek.
James came to her hotel room to pick her up and they took a
cab to Lincoln Center. Thomas Keller’s former right-hand man had recently
opened his own restaurant inside and that was where the cocktail party would
take place. She’d wanted to try it after hearing rave reviews about his inventive
menu and the gorgeous décor. When she stepped inside, however, it was as if
everything around her dimmed in her search for Brady.
She took James’ arm and he led her on a sweep of the room,
stopping to talk to someone here and there. Leah tried her best to hold up her
end of the conversation as her eyes searched for Brady, but she was sure some
people knew she was distracted. After an hour of not seeing him, though, she’d
resigned herself to the fact he hadn’t wanted to see her and had gotten a glass
of champagne to sip while she nibbled on a few hors d’oeuvres. She’d just
popped a prosciutto-wrapped date into her mouth when she saw him, looking every
bit as mouth-wateringly delicious as she remembered. He was wearing the same
suit she’d seen before and no one would ever guess he was a cowboy. Instead, he
looked like a candidate for Man of the Year from
GQ
. Her breath caught
and she began to choke on the date.