Authors: Jess Dee
He stopped only when he had no choice, when his orgasm slammed through him, throwing him clean over the edge, wrenching burst upon burst of semen from his shaft.
His muscles lost control, his bones lost their shape. Luke collapsed onto his side, knowing his time was up.
Just as soon as he built up the physical strength, he’d walk away.
Minutes later, or maybe it was hours, he untangled himself from Seth and Kaz’s arms, careful not to wake them.
Seth grunted and rolled over, pulling Kaz tighter into his embrace.
Kaz burrowed into him.
This was exactly how he’d found them two mornings back. Snug in each other’s arms. He spent a very long time just looking at them, looking at Seth. Even though he knew he’d done the right thing, done good by Seth, it didn’t ease his pain.
Luke’s heart cracked in two, never to be whole again.
Tiptoeing from the bedroom almost made him sick. His chest closed and breathing became close to impossible. Every bone in his body ached, objecting to the steps he took farther and farther away from the kid…no, from the man he loved. Seth was no kid. He hadn’t been for a very long time. And though Luke would always feel great fondness for the kid Seth had once been, it was the man he’d fallen in love with. The man he was walking away from.
He’d see Seth again. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. He’d see him every day for the next six months. But if he played his cards right and convinced Kaz to join Seth permanently on their concert tour, a proposition he’d make to her tomorrow, then Seth would no longer try to seduce him with those irresistible baby blues of his.
He wouldn’t need to. He’d have Kaz to seduce.
Luke dressed methodically. Christ, he didn’t remember his clothes fitting this tightly. His shirt scratched his skin and his pants made his legs itch. His ears rang and dots filled his vision.
He was a mess. A fucked-up mess.
Who would have thought cutting himself off from Seth would feel like cutting off the blood supply from his heart?
He couldn’t resist taking one last look. Tiptoeing back to the bedroom, he was startled to find Kaz awake. She was still tucked into Seth’s side, but she watched him with worried eyes.
“You’re leaving?” she whispered.
“It’s time.”
“For what?”
“For me to go.” He stared at Seth. “To walk away.”
“From Seth?”
Luke nodded. It hurt too much to talk.
Kaz curled her hand protectively around Seth’s arm. “Don’t leave him.”
He shrugged helplessly. “I have to.”
“No.” She shook her head. “You have to stay with him.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I stay, I’ll only hurt him, and that is one thing I could never do to Seth.”
“You don’t think leaving him will hurt him, desperately?”
He gave her a very sad, very tired smile. “Not anymore. Now he has you.”
“No, Luke, he doesn’t want me. You’re the only one he wants.”
And Seth was the only one he wanted. “He’s yours now, Karen Flaherty. Please, look after him. Love him the way he deserves to be loved.”
Before Luke would allow her to see the tears that filled his eyes, he turned around and left the suite.
Chapter Nine
Seth yawned, stretched and blinked a few times. He rolled over to seek out Luke’s warmth, but that side of the bed was empty, so he stretched his arm out to take Kaz’s hand.
He didn’t find it. What he did find was Kaz, looking agitated. She paced the length of the room, muttering silently to herself. Luke was nowhere to be seen.
“Sweet pea?”
Kaz stopped dead in her tracks. “You’re awake.”
“Uh-huh.” He yawned and sat up. “What’s the time?”
“Two twenty-three a.m.”
“Have I been sleeping long?”
“Forty-five minutes-ish.” She gnawed on her lower lip.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“’Bout what?”
“’Bout whatever it is that has you so upset.”
Kaz shoved her hand through her hair. “No, Seth. I really don’t. I want you to talk to Luke about it.”
He’d never seen Kaz like this. Yes, the first time they met she’d been thrown for a loop, but that was more a matter of speechless wonder than flustered anxiety. “About what?”
“About the fact that he’s walked out on you and left you to me.”
Seth stared at her, not quite comprehending what she’d said. “Um…pardon?”
“Oh, God, Seth, I’m sorry.” Her face fell. “So very, very sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” A nasty sensation snuck into the pit of his stomach.
“I don’t know how to say this.”
“Say what?”
“Luke’s gone. He…he…left.”
Seth relaxed. “That’s not a problem. I’ll see him in the morning.” Luke didn’t always spend the night.
“No, you don’t understand. He left
you
. He walked away, and I doubt he’s coming back.”
“He can’t walk away. He’s the band manager.”
“He’s not walking away from
Speed
.” She took a deep breath. “Just from you.”
And there it was again. That nasty feeling in his gut. “Why would you say that?”
“Be-because he told me as much.”
“When?”
“When I woke up to find him looking at you with so much pain and so much love, it looked as if his world were coming to an end.”
Seth turned cold. “Tell me again what he said.”
“He said he’s leaving, because if he stays any longer he’s going to hurt you. And…” Again she gnawed on her lip. “And he doesn’t wanna hurt you, Seth. The thought of it is just about killing him.”
“And he thinks walking away from me isn’t gonna hurt?”
Kaz looked at him, her eyes so sad he could barely hold her gaze. “He doesn’t think he’s hurting you this way. He—I think he believes you’ll be fine, because…” She shrugged helplessly.
“Because?”
“Because you have me.”
“But I don’t want you.” Shit, that came out sounding all wrong. “What I mean is, I adore you, sweet pea, you know that. But I
love
Luke.”
“
I
know that, Seth. I just don’t think
Luke
knows it. I don’t think he understands that he’s the only one for you. That’s why he found me. To replace him in your life.”
Seth stared at her, dumbstruck. “Jesus.” His heart twisted. “Kaz… Fuck.” He couldn’t say more, couldn’t think clearly. What the fuck had Luke been thinking? What had he done?
“Seth?”
“Hm?”
“It’s time I told you what I see in Luke’s aura whenever I look at him.”
Luke blocked out every thought, every sound and every emotion. He blocked out the entire world, refusing to think about anyone or anything.
The excruciating pain that crushed his chest went ignored. The inability to breathe was irrelevant. The fact that he might never feel whole again? Not important. All that mattered now was each movement, each strike, each kick, each punch, each stance, executed with flawless precision as he worked his way through every kung fu form he’d ever learned.
“‘When practiced, Chang Quan should look like raging waves on a great river that follow one another endlessly, allowing for no weak points. Show no weakness, Luke Struthers. Show only determination. Flow like the river.’”
His si fu’s voice echoed in his ears, relentless, commanding, unforgiving. He demanded perfection, demanded one hundred percent, and Luke gave it, lost himself to the discipline and to the art.
Years ago, when Luke had discovered kung fu, it had been his refuge, his solace from the hell of his home life. At thirteen he’d learned to fight and to defend himself. He’d learned discipline, learned to contain his emotions so they would not overwhelm him.
By seventeen he had his black belt. By twenty he was a master.
He’d never let it go, never strayed from the art. Every day he trained, although training on tour, without a sparring partner, was not always easy. This, now, went beyond training. This obsessive need to lose himself in his patterns was his only salvation. Sweat, tears and lack of oxygen would not sway him from his course.
He needed this.
Minutes ticked by, maybe even hours. Numbers lost all meaning. It was only a very long time later, once he’d greeted the sun, stood and bowed, that the world around him came back into view. That the living room of his hotel suite became a living room again, even though the furniture had been pushed aside to give him the space he’d needed.
His muscles ached from the torture he’d subjected them to, yet everything seemed sharper, colors seemed brighter, the air seemed…stiller. Oxygen was no longer elusive. Luke could breathe once again.
But the pain in his heart still crippled him.
“You done?”
The question pierced his consciousness.
When had Seth walked in?
Luke centered his breathing and turned around, very slowly.
There he was, the kid…
the man
he loved, leaning against the door, looking just as slumberous and sexy as he always did. All loose limbed and relaxed, as though he’d just woken up. But one look into those baby blue eyes and Luke knew Seth was anything but relaxed. Or sleepy.
He was alert, he was vigilant, and he was hopping mad.
Luke reached out to grab a towel, wiping at the sweat on his brow. As Seth watched the magnificent ripple of muscle along his bare chest and shoulders, a verse of a lullaby his grandmother used to sing to him played in his head. Like a broken record, he couldn’t seem to stop hearing it.
When all is different then you’ll see
Just how strong your hearts can be
Though his love appears empty
She’ll change it all with colors plenty.
He’d never understood it before. He still didn’t. He just somehow knew it had to do with Luke and Kaz and Kaz’s extraordinary ability to read color.
“I’m done,” Luke answered.
“With your kung fu?” Seth paused for effect. “Or with me?”
Luke eyed him for a few seconds. “I’m done, Seth. Period. Now I’m gonna take a shower.”
“No, Luke you’re not. You’re gonna stay right here, and you’re gonna talk to me. And this time, you’re not going to distract me with a woman or with sex. This time, you’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on, whether you want to or not.” He smiled grimly. “Got it?”
Luke looked around. “Where is Kaz?”
Hadn’t Luke heard him? Seth would not be distracted “She’s in her room. She went there when I came here.”
“You didn’t bring her along?”
“No, I didn’t bring her. Because contrary to your fucked-up belief that she’s taken your place in my life, she hasn’t. There is only one person I love, and that person is you. Not Kaz. Never was, never will be. No matter how damned hard you try to palm me off on her.”
“I didn’t—”
“The fuck you didn’t. You set up the whole damn thing. Brought her to meet me, then laid her out like a sacrificial lamb. What did you think, Lucas? That she and I would take one look at each other and wedding bells would ring?”
Luke was all calm. “I’d hoped.”
“You’d hoped?”
“You need someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m not that someone. I’d hoped Kaz was.”
“That’s a load of bull, and you know it. You love me exactly the way I need to be loved. You’re just too damned scared to show it.”
“Seth, I’m sorry. I’ve told you, over and over again, it’s not love. It’s sex. You just won’t hear it.”
How the fuck did he do it? Keep his cool when—thanks to Kaz’s insight—Seth now knew he was anything but. Seth marched across the room and got in Luke’s face. “Wrong, baby. It’s love. You know it, I know it, and interestingly enough, Kaz knows it too. You are just too much of a shit-assed coward to acknowledge the truth.”
Luke shrugged. “Call me whatever you need to. It won’t change the facts. It’s just sex.”
“You love me, asshole.” Sheer frustration had Seth lifting up his palms and shoving Luke, hard. “And it’s time you faced the truth.”
Luke stumbled back.
Before he could regain his balance, Seth shoved him again. Twisted as it may be, he took perverse pleasure from seeing Luke off balance. “You think walking away from me isn’t gonna hurt?” Seth seethed. “You think we can both just ignore what’s between us?” Another shove. “Then you’re a fool, Struthers. A fucking idiot. You can no more ignore what’s between us than I can stop breathing, and the reason for that is you love me. Like I love you.” One more shove. “Now man up to it. For once in your goddamn life, just man up to it.”
Luke found his feet. “I suggest you stop pushing me.” His voice was very quiet, very controlled.