Authors: Bonnie Dee
He scrambled up, then leaned in to give me a quick one-armed hug and pat on the back. “Hey, man. Congrats. You landed a winner.”
“I did. Thanks for coming down,” I muttered distractedly.
“You getting married? I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Micah chuckled as Travis took hold of his hand and dragged him off. My little buddy would normally be all over me the moment I stepped in the door, but the bright shiny penny of Micah had stolen him away.
I waited until the door shut behind them before going over to Rianna. “What is it?”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and shook her head as if words were beyond her. Then she called up a message and handed me her phone so I could read it.
Sorry I ben out of touch. Gran said your living in Lexington now. I want to meet and see my boy. I’m his dad. I have rights. Im not how I used to be I swear. Call me ASAP.
I read it once, twice, three times, growing angrier every time.
I’d had enough of abandoning fathers showing up out of the blue. The annoyance I felt about my own dad transferred and intensified at the thought of Travis’s birth father charging into our lives and making demands.
I
was Travis’s father. Nobody else. This goddamn loser deserved no rights at all.
I handed back the phone. “What are you gonna do?”
Rianna shrugged. “I don’t know. Mostly I want to delete it and pretend I never got the message. I don’t know if Clay would follow through and track us down. But on the other hand, I’d hate for him to pop up later and cause trouble. Besides…” Her smooth forehead furrowed, and her light eyes darkened to storm gray. “Maybe Clay’s right. He
is
Travis’s bio-dad. Maybe he has the right to at least see him.”
I swallowed down a hot lump of fury. “What if he’s not content to check in? He might demand visitation or custody rights. Opening the door to this guy might be like inviting a robber into the house.”
I could foresee an entire legion of problems Rianna’s ex-boyfriend might cause us. He might want some sort of payoff now that Rianna was financially secure. He’d suck us like a leech. Or else he’d truly had some sort of AA epiphany and would try to reinsert himself into his son’s life. Either way, I didn’t want him there. I wanted him to fall off the face of the planet.
Rianna groaned. “Am I being selfish? What about Travis’s right to know? It might not matter to him now, but someday… I know I’d like to have any scrap of information about who my bio-dad was.”
Though I hadn’t adopted him yet, in my heart, Travis was already
my
son. Rianna didn’t realize how her words stung. Two days before our wedding and she was thinking of meeting her ex and letting him take fatherhood from me. I felt like I was holding on to the edge of a cliff and the earth was slipping from beneath my clutching fingers.
“Whatever’s best for Travis,” I managed to say. “But we should probably contact a lawyer to make sure we handle it right.”
Rianna moved close to me and snaked her arms around my neck, looking up into my face with those eyes which had been the hook that caught me the moment I saw her.
“I’m so sorry about this and how it must make you feel. I’m furious it happened practically on the eve of our wedding. But it doesn’t change anything. Let’s try not to dwell on it or let it ruin our big day.”
I smiled, nodded, kissed her, and thought it was practically impossible that this unexpected shadow couldn’t darken the rose-colored glasses I’d been wearing.
Chapter Three
Leah
Walking into a new place or situation is a lot harder without sight to help me adjust to the environment. Arriving at Jonah’s house in Lexington felt like being dropped on a strange planet. I had to listen carefully and respond to nonvisual cues to get my bearings. Thank God for J.D.’s hand holding mine and his quiet voice describing everything for me.
I shook off my nerves and offered a friendly smile when I greeted Rianna. She must be nervous too, meeting all of us at once and without Jonah beside her. Although she was polite and welcoming, I heard tension in the bride-to-be’s voice. Intuition told me it might be about something other than meeting new people.
After Jonah arrived and we’d all said hello, J.D. suggested Travis show us the yard, which Jonah quickly agreed to. Once outdoors, I said to J.D., “Maybe we should go over and see your dad right now. Rianna seems a little on edge. We should give them some time alone to talk.”
“Yeah. Something’s going on,” he agreed. “And I’d just as soon get this visit over with.”
“Like eating cabbage,” Micah joked. “It tastes like shit and you know it’s going to stink later, but supposedly it’s good for you.”
“Language,” Gina reminded him. “There’s a kid here.”
“Right. I meant tastes like crap.”
Micah always made me smile, and I’d never forgotten that if it weren’t for him coming to me to talk about J.D., I might have let the man I love slip away. I was eternally grateful for that little speech. I believed Micah was a good match for Gina. When they weren’t pecking at each other, they seemed to be in perfect sync.
Travis led us around the yard, pointing out the most important features: his swing and sandbox. I knelt beside the box and let smooth, cool sand sift between my fingers.
“Wanna dig?” Travis asked.
“He’s offering you a shovel,” J.D. said, so I held out my hand and felt the plastic handle and the little boy’s warm fingers. I dug while Travis invented a story about his dump truck and Gina described the flower beds for me.
“Gorgeous spring flowers. The daffodils are fading, but there are tulips and hyacinths blooming. Smell them?”
I did, sweet and strong like lilies or an old lady wearing too much perfume.
I listened to Travis’s high-pitched voice babbling and thought about how little experience I’d had with children. No siblings or younger cousins, and I’d never babysat. How would I raise a child of my own when I couldn’t even see to discipline the kid? How could I care for an infant or know if it was crawling toward danger? A moment of complete panic seized me, the beginning of an anxiety attack such as I hadn’t experienced since I’d first gone blind.
I gripped the little shovel so hard my knuckles must have gone white while I struggled to keep my breathing slow and even. I refused to lose control. Everyone would want to know what was the matter, and I’d blurt the truth. This simply wasn’t the right time to tell my news, especially when I didn’t know how J.D. was going to react.
By the time Micah coaxed a reluctant Travis to return to the house, I’d gotten my heart rate under control and the other symptoms had faded.
We entered the apple-pie-scented house to a murmur of voices that abruptly fell silent.
“Hey,” J.D. said. “We thought we’d give you guys some time together while we go over to see Dad.”
“That’d be good.” I recognized Jonah’s voice, similar to J.D.’s but abrupt and authoritative. I had yet to talk with the man and had only heard stories about his bossy ways from J.D. and Micah. Jonah had been forced to take care of the family from a young age, and I understood how he might not know how to interact with his brothers as adults. I could cut him a lot of slack for that.
“He’s deteriorated from last time you saw him,” Rianna warned. “It might be a bit of a shock.”
After the long drive from Illinois, I would rather have taken a nap than meet Mr. Wyatt, the man who’d abandoned his sons. But I wanted to support J.D. during this visit, so I took one of the energy drinks from our travel cooler and sipped that.
During the drive to the nursing home, I sat quietly, holding J.D.’s hand, while the others talked about Jesse Wyatt’s health.
“He’s sure held on for a guy who only had a few weeks to live when he showed up,” Micah scoffed.
“I doubt he exaggerated. Sometimes the dying process takes longer than you expect. I’ve been through it with a few clients.” Gina’s soothing voice floated from the front seat. “It can be a hard, slow disconnect.”
“I wish I could say I’m glad to have a chance to see him one last time,” J.D. said. “But honestly, I don’t feel anything. I just want this over with.”
I didn’t add anything. We’d had this discussion before, and there was nothing new to say. But I gave J.D.’s hand a squeeze to let him know I was with him. It was an awful, distressing situation for the Wyatt boys and also for us women who dated them. All Gina and I could offer was encouragement.
I caught a breath before walking into the stench of disinfectant and urine that seemed to permeate even the best of nursing homes. I’d been to visit my grandma when I was a girl, so I could envision what this place looked like. J.D. didn’t grip my hand any tighter, but I still felt the tension in his body as he walked beside me and his reluctance as we entered his father’s room.
“It’s all right,” I murmured as I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. But it wasn’t really. How could it be when he was about to face his dying dad?
*
J.D.
I didn’t realize it would be so hard when I entered the room and saw the frail man on the bed. During my tour in Afghanistan, I’d witnessed many horrors, people torn apart by bombs, a friend bleeding out beside me, destruction that would haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. I’d been imprisoned, tortured, and left in the dark wondering if I’d ever be free again. After that, how hard could it be to face one old guy lying peacefully in a hospital bed, especially since I felt little connection to him?
As it turned out, the answer was very. I stopped in the doorway, staring at the paper-white face, the slack mouth, the barest movement of the chest beneath the covers as his breath rattled in and out, and I wanted to turn right back around and go.
“God
damn.
” Micah sounded as horrified as I felt.
“This is normal,” Gina whispered. “It’s what the end looks like.”
Shit. He could die right now, I realized, or maybe on Jonah’s wedding day. Maybe they should’ve postponed until after he was gone. But then, why should they? Dad could still linger for weeks, and it wasn’t as if we owed it to him to gather lovingly around his deathbed. Besides, as far as I could tell, there wasn’t anyone home in there any longer to even know we were there.
For a few moments, we all stood silently.
“You can talk to him,” Gina prompted. “They say hearing is the last thing to go. The sound of your voice might be comforting.”
That was my or Micah’s cue to move even closer to the bed, maybe take his hand and say something heartfelt. I remained frozen by the doorway, but Micah approached Dad and gave him a halfhearted pat on the shoulder.
“Hey. This is Micah. Hope you’re feeling better than you look.” He defaulted to typical Micah humor, then paused. “I mean, I hope you’re resting comfortably. It’s been years since we spent any time around each other. I never thought of you as much more than the shitheel who left us to fend for ourselves, but…you
are
our father so…” He cleared his throat. “I guess I just want to say I forgive you and, uh, good luck wherever you go next.”
He gave Dad’s shoulder a final pat, then shuffled backward. He glanced at me. My turn. I didn’t have to offer forgiveness, but it seemed I had to say something. It took every bit of courage I possessed and Leah’s presence by my side to get me to move close and take my father’s cold hand in mine. Now what?
I’d go through the motions, do the expected thing. I didn’t have to actually
feel
anything about this.
I pressed that bird claw gently and said, “It’s J.D. Your youngest son, remember? I never really knew you. Since Micah burned all the family photos, I didn’t have anything to let me know what you looked like. I feel like I met you for the first time a few months ago.”
And I wasn’t impressed by the selfish son of a bitch.
The slack face, all bones and skin, could’ve been any old man, any human being burned down to the essence of existence. But I saw glimpses of all of us in him: Micah’s wide mouth, Jonah’s frown, my nose. This man had made us. Like it or not, he was part of us. Sorrow swept through me for the wasted years and for the father I’d never known. My body nearly shook under the sudden onslaught of emotion.
“I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to talk,” I finally said. “I should’ve come down to see you before you got this bad. I didn’t think it mattered or that you’d even care. Now I realize
I
do. I wish I’d taken the time. So… I guess this is good-bye.”
I gave his hand another squeeze, and then I stepped back too.
We all stood staring silently for a few more moments. It felt wrong to leave the man all alone, but there wasn’t anything we could do for him. Besides, Jonah and Rianna were expecting us back at the house.
An aide entered the room and smiled. “It’s time for me to wash and change Mr. Wyatt. If you want me to wait a few minutes, I can. Or you can step out and come back after.”
“Actually, I think we’re done here.” Micah shot me a look, eyebrows raised.
I nodded slowly. “Unless you think it will happen any minute now.”
“I’m not medical personnel. It’s not my place to say.” The aide hesitated. “But I’ve worked here long enough to know this can go on much longer than you’d expect.” She looked from me to Micah. “There’s nothing wrong with leaving him alone to finish this last part of his journey. You shouldn’t feel guilty. In fact, sometimes the dying seem to let go only after their loved ones have given them some space.”
Her words made me feel a little better, though I still ached at the terrible waste my dad had made of his life. As a kid, I used to watch TV families and imagine myself into them. I’d invented entire stories of how my family might have been if mom hadn’t died and dad hadn’t left. Growing older, I’d stopped using those fantasies to help me cope and allowed cold reality to set in.
Now one of my old favorites in which our family gathered for Thanksgiving dinner flashed through my mind. It had never happened that way and never would, but it was a comfort right then.
As I walked down the corridor toward the sweet freedom of the outdoors, I glanced at Leah beside me. I was going to marry this girl, maybe not soon, but definitely someday. And our future would include the very best parts of those childhood fantasies; people who loved each other and a family sitting around a table, laughing and talking.