He was in love.
The knowledge hit him with the force of a plank upside his head. Good God, this was worse than he'd thought. Had he believed he was only losing a small bit of his heart to Carolyn? What a jest! He'd lost the entire thing. And his soul as well.
He set down his brandy then walked to the sofa, where he sat down heavily. Tunneling his fingers through his hair, he looked up at Matthew and said in a dazed voice that seemed to come from very far away, "Bloody hell, you're right."
"That you're in love? I know."
"That I'm an idiot." Daniel rested his head in his hands and groaned. "How did this happen? And how do I make it go away?"
Matthew chuckled. "I imagine it happened in the usual manner-you discovered someone who… completes you. As for making it go away, I know from experience that you can't. It's not dyspepsia after all." He settled himself in the wing chair across from Daniel. "And why would you want to? Carolyn is a lovely woman."
Daniel raised his head. "Yes, she is. But she isn't in love with me. She still worships her dead husband. Her heart will always belong to him. She's made no secret of that." A humorless sound escaped him at the irony. He'd never before wanted a woman's heart, and had certainly never intended to give his away. And what happened? He lost his heart to a woman who didn't want it and had no intention of giving him hers.
He blew out a long breath. "What a bloody mess."
"Perhaps she'll change her mind," Matthew said.
Daniel shook his head. "No. Edward was the love of her life. She adored him. Still does. No man could aspire to scale the pedestal upon which she's put him."
"It's obvious she cares for you."
"Yes, I'm sure she does, but in a lukewarm way compared to her feelings for Edward."
And he knew, in his heart, that would never be enough for him. He could accept her loving memories of Edward-he wouldn't begrudge her the things that made her happy-but neither could he bear not to be first in her affections. To know that Edward's ghost always stood between them. That comparisons would always be made and he would always come out lacking.
For his own sake, he needed to end his affair with her. Now. Before he did something stupid and made an ass of himself. Like telling her he loved her. Or asking her to marry him. Or worse,
begging
her to do so. The only thing he could think of that was worse than not seeing love in her eyes would be seeing pity in them.
"Damn it all, why would anyone actually
want
to fall in love?" he asked.
"It's an incredible thing when you find the right person," Matthew said softly.
Yes, the right person being someone who loved you as deeply as you loved them. Unfortunately that hadn't happened to him. And this unrequited, one-sided emotional hell was nothing short of torture.
"We're going to have to rename our group the Ladies Literary Society-Plus One Baby," Carolyn said, giving Sarah a hug after her announcement that she was expecting a child. Sarah's happy news had enabled her to shove aside her own sadness over foolishly allowing herself to love a man who wanted no part of love. "I cannot wait to be an aunt."
"Neither can I," Julianne and Emily said in unison.
"Well, you're all going to have to help me keep Matthew in check," Sarah said, pushing up her glasses, "because I can already see he's going to render us both insane. He didn't even want me to climb the stairs!" She looked toward the ceiling. "If I don't nip his masculine panic in the bud right now, this is going to be a very long pregnancy indeed."
Carolyn reached out and squeezed her hand. "Be happy that the man you love is so devoted and caring, Sarah. There is no greater gift."
And no greater pain than when you are in love alone
.
"Speaking of great gifts," said Julianne, "did anyone happen to notice that Mr. Gideon Mayne, the Bow Street Runner, attended Lord and Lady Exbury's soiree last evening?"
"Yes," said Emily. "He was there with Mr. Rayburn."
"They are hoping to find clues regarding Lady Crawford's murder," added Carolyn. "But what does Mr. Mayne have to do with great gifts?"
Julianne looked around the room, as if making certain no one else was present to hear what she was about to share. Then she said, her eyes glowing, "Ever since he came to our home to question me and Mother after the masquerade, I… well, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him."
"A Bow Street Runner?" Emily said, her eyes agog with shock. "Good heavens, Julianne. Your mother would succumb to apoplexy, and for once I'd have to agree with her. A
Runner
! He is completely unacceptable. So common. And so coarse and hard-looking. Why he's almost as bad as that dreadful Mr. Jennsen."
Julianne raised her chin. "
I
think Mr. Mayne looks dashing and dangerous and exciting."
"He most likely is dangerous," Sarah broke in. "Certainly his occupation is."
Carolyn patted Julianne's hand. "While there's no denying he's attractive, it would be most unwise to entertain romantic thoughts about a man with whom you could never have a romance." She inwardly winced at the irony of her advice. "Personally, I think it's our reading of the
Memoirs
that has us all in a dither. I think for our next book selection, we need to choose something of a less salacious nature."
Sarah grinned. "Now what would be the fun in that?"
Carolyn smiled in return, but in her heart she couldn't help but feel that reading the
Memoirs
had set her on this disastrous path that led straight to heartbreak.
A wave of weariness washed through her, exacerbated by her emotional day and lack of sleep. She rose and said, "I don't wish to break up this gathering, but I'm exhausted."
Sarah looked at her and frowned. "You look tired. Are you all right?"
No. Everything hurts. My heart most of all
. She forced a smile. "I'm fine. Just in need of sleep. Will I see you all tomorrow at Lady Pelfield's soiree?"
"Matthew and I will be there," Sarah said.
"Me, too," both Julianne and Emily said.
After giving hugs and kisses, Carolyn quit the room and made her way down the stairs. When she arrived in the foyer, Graham said, "His lordship is in the drawing room, Lady Wingate. This way, please."
She'd expected the butler to simply tell Matthew she was ready to leave, but obviously he wanted her to follow him. Pressing her fingers against her temple to ward off the headache brewing there, she walked down the corridor. After Graham announced her at the door to the drawing room, she entered, saw Matthew and smiled, hoping she didn't look as tired as she felt.
"Sarah told me the happy news," she said, offering her brother-in-law her hands then leaning in to kiss his cheek. "I'm so happy for you both."
"Thank you." He looked over her shoulder and she turned. And stilled at the sight of Daniel standing before the fire.
"Hello, Carolyn," he said, both his expression and tone grave.
Her heart turned over in that same way it always seemed to whenever she laid eyes on him. "Daniel. Are you here to share in Matthew and Sarah's good news?"
"No. I'm here to talk to you."
Before she could express her surprise, Matthew said, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if there is anything my lovely wife requires. Daniel has offered to escort you home. Is that all right? It would allow me to remain with Sarah."
"Yes, of course." She offered him the best smile she could muster. "But there's no need for concern. She's not doing anything more strenuous than talking to Julianne and Emily."
"Good. That means I can cease worrying for perhaps thirty seconds." He quit the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
Daniel walked toward her, and anticipating a kiss, her heart sped up. It wasn't until he drew nearer that she noticed the lines of fatigue and worry etched around his eyes. Recalling how emotional he'd been earlier, sympathy tugged at her. "Are you all right?" she asked.
He shook his head. "No. We must talk." He took her hand and led her to the sofa. She relished the warmth of his palm touching to hers and fought back the encroaching pain that threatened to overwhelm her at the realization that soon she would no longer be holding his hand.
After they were seated she listened in stunned disbelief as he told her all that had transpired after he'd left her at her town house. When he finished she remained silent for a full minute, taking it all in.
Two of Daniel's former lovers dead. Daniel suspected of committing the crimes. His belief she was in danger. Finally she said, "I cannot believe Lady Margate is dead." She pressed her lips together. "Or that those two nincompoops think you could possibly be responsible."
A tired smile lifted one corner of his mouth. "I appreciate your outrage on my behalf."
She clasped his hand between hers. "Daniel, as much as I appreciate you trying to keep my name out of this, you must tell Mr. Mayne where you were last night."
He shook his head. "The only thing he needs to know is that I wasn't off killing anyone."
She raised her chin. "I don't want him to have any reason to doubt you. If you don't tell him,
I
will."
His gaze roamed her face and she wished she could read his thoughts. "You realize that if you do so, word of our affair most likely will leak out."
"Then so be it. That is certainly preferable to having the magistrate and Mr. Mayne believe you guilty of murder. And given your determination to protect me, they'll surely guess."
"But will only
know
that my concern for you springs from our close friendship. It's not necessary to bring your name into this and subject you to gossip. Rayburn and Mayne won't find evidence to charge me with crimes I didn't commit."
"Whoever is trying to frame you will no doubt try to fabricate some sort of evidence against you. The killer has already managed to cast suspicion upon you." She shook her head. "Your intention to protect me, while honorable, is unacceptable. When Mr. Rayburn and Mr. Mayne come to interview me, as I know they shall, I'm going to tell them the truth, Daniel."
He didn't look pleased, but to her relief he didn't argue further. Instead he said, "We need to ensure your safety. I want your word that you won't go anywhere alone until the killer is apprehended."
"I promise I won't." She rose. "But I want to leave here. Now. If I'm truly in danger, I don't want to risk it following me to Sarah's home."
He rose as well, and for the space of a several heartbeats they looked at each other. Less than an arm's length separated them. He looked so tired and troubled. Everything in her cried out, wanting to hold him, touch him. Be held and touched by him. She'd planned to make love with him once more, but now realized she simply couldn't. For if she did, she'd never be able to let him go. Would never survive walking away. Would do something foolish like beg him to love her. And stay with her forever.
Her better judgment told her to resist touching him, that every caress would only make saying good-bye that much more difficult. But need overwhelmed her, and she leaned toward him.
With a low groan that sounded agonized, Daniel jerked her against him and crushed his mouth down on hers. His kiss tasted of desperation and fear. Worry and frustration. And deep, hot desire. She clung to him, pressing herself closer, branding in her memory the feel of his hard body tight against hers. The warm, intoxicating taste of his kiss. The thick, silky texture of his hair. The delicious, unforgettable scent that belonged to him alone.
Where she found the strength to pull away, she'd never know. How she wished she were like the Anonymous Lady and able to keep her heart free! They looked at each other, both breathing hard, and she knew that for her own self-preservation she had to tell him. Tonight.
Once they were seated in his carriage and on their way to her home, she licked her suddenly dry lips and said, "Daniel, I've been thinking about our… arrangement."
Sitting across from her, he regarded her through hooded but watchful eyes. "Yes?"
And she forced out the words she knew she had to say. The words that would break her heart nonetheless. "I… I think it best if we don't see each other in… that way anymore."
The loudest silence she'd ever heard filled the carriage. His expression remained completely blank, but then something flickered in his eyes and for one insane moment she wondered if he might refuse. Might tell her that he wouldn't, couldn't, consider such a thing because he'd unexpectedly fallen in love with her. And couldn't imagine not being with her.
Instead, he simply asked, "Why?"
Because I love you and I can't bear that you don't love me. Because I have to try to protect whatever tiny piece of my heart you haven't stolen
. "While I've no qualms admitting to the authorities that we were together last night, I have no wish for my life to be gossip fodder, and if we continue, you know it shall be." She attempted a lighthearted expression. "Our affair had to end eventually. Given the circumstances, this is that time."
Again silence swelled between them and she held her breath. Then he jerked his head in quick nod. "You're right, of course. Our affair had to end eventually."
His words ruthlessly extinguished that foolish flicker of hope. That he accepted her decision so lightly proved that in the end she'd meant nothing more to him than another sexual conquest. And proved beyond any doubt that she'd made the right decision. Still, being right didn't mean she didn't hurt. Pain and a deep despair she'd hoped never to experience again sawed through her.
Something must have shown on her face because he asked softly, "What are you thinking?"
As she'd done so many times in the past, she pushed her heartache to the back of her mind, to be taken out and examined later, when she was alone. And could cry.
"I was thinking about Edward," she answered honestly.
A shutter seemed to fall over his eyes, and he said nothing in reply.
They arrived at her town house a few minutes later and he escorted her inside. Nelson reported that nothing untoward had occurred in their absence and that he would keep watch at the front door through the night.