Cop a Feel (Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters) (24 page)

T
he ballroom where the pageant was to be held was abuzz with excitement and chatter. My stomach was queasy as I realized I was going to be on the stage with an obscene amount of multicolored inflated condoms along with some twerk-happy cover models, but I would be with Luke. Everything would be all right. He’d left before us to find out what he was supposed to wear. Medusa had procured matching costumes for the boys. It was going to be a clusterfuck, I was sure, but Luke would be beautiful in go-go pants and a halter. Well, maybe not go-go pants . . .

“We should go backstage,” Shoshanna said, pushing through the crowd. Every time she was noticed, hands flew up in the air. By the time we’d reached the stage, all five hundred or so people in the room were doing
The Shoshanna
. “Edith, Mrs. C, we have chairs reserved in the front row. Jim should already be sitting there. Go make sure no one takes our seats.”

“On it,” Edith said, and went to pull her gun.

“Goddammit, Edith, we’re not going to shoot anyone tonight. If they’re in our seats, we’ll just beat the hell out of them,” Mrs. C told her as they walked off.

“I’m not sure that was a good idea,” I told Shoshanna.

“Me neither, but I think Jim can control them. Shit, I hope he can. Come on.”

Feeling like I had forgotten something, I realized I was unarmed. There was no room to hide a gun or even a knife in the scant scraps of clothing I was sporting. I hadn’t left my home in years without my Glock. It was freeing and I felt okay. Weird.

“What do you think Medusa picked out for the guys?” I asked as we rounded the corner to the backstage holding area.

“No clue, but it’s probably going to frighten the shit out of us.” She laughed. “Speak of the devil . . .”

Medusa turned the corner and almost ran head first into us. Oh my God, she was a sight. She was wearing a wig—a pink one. This was a good thing, considering she’d ripped most of the left side of her head bald. The pink was questionable, but so was Medusa. Her outfit was pure gold. Pure gold lamé. She had wrapped herself in acres of the stuff and safety-pinned the entire atrocity together. I was now in mortal fear of what the men would be wearing.

“Oh, thank God you’re here. Teddy is being a diva. Duke won’t wear his costume and Cheech and Cesar aren’t here yet,” she screeched, and went for her hair. She pulled and her wig slid dangerously to the left.

“Come here and calm the fuck down,” Shoshanna said, straightening Medusa’s pink locks. “Just relax your crack. Cesar and Cheech will show up. They’re too egotistical not to. Teddy is always a diva and if Duke won’t wear the costume, let him wear what he wants to. He’s the star and it doesn’t matter if he’s different.”

“Are you sure?” she whimpered. “I worked so hard on this and those sons of bitches are going to be the death of me.”

“We have a great show and you are amazing,” Shoshanna consoled her. “Own your power and be proud. You’re a choreographer and a director.”

“And a costumer and lighting designer and a scenic designer,” Medusa said, regaining her confidence.

“That’s right. Now you just hustle your pink head out front and get ready. I’ll handle the boys.”

“Thank you, Shoshanna. You’re a goddess.” She inhaled deeply, adjusted her gold disaster, and pinched her cheeks. “How do I look?”

“Beautiful. Go get ’em!”

“I will,” she shouted as she ran out to the front of the house.

“Holy hell,” I muttered as we went to find the guys.

“Probably.” Shoshanna laughed and forged ahead.

I was very clear why Luke wouldn’t wear Medusa’s creation. It was hideous and wrong on every level. The men were clad in gold speedos with feathers hanging strategically in alarming places. The footwear appeared to be gold gladiator sandals and they had sparkling wreaths on their heads. I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t scream. Other than that, they were basically naked.

Cheech and Cesar had shown up and were grinding their hips and grunting in preparation to win the crown. Teddy was twerking violently in a corner and Rocky was juggling condoms that he’d filled with either dirt or sand. Luke stood off to the side with a look of horror on his beautiful face. Thankfully, he was dressed in his leathers and combat boots.

“Shoshanna, I have to talk to Luke,” I told her.

She eyed me for a moment and then grinned. “Make it quick. The show starts in twenty minutes.”

“I will. I promise.” I hurried over to him and stopped short. His look was guarded and he crossed his arms over his chest. “Hi,” I said, trying to coax a smile out of him.

“Just say what you want to say and get it over with. This day already sucks, so you may as well go on and make it the worst day of my life,” he said coldly.

“I think I can make it better,” I said tentatively.

“How can you do that?” he asked, stepping back but lowering his arms to his sides.

“I can grab your crotch and stick my tongue down your throat,” I purred suggestively as I advanced on him.

He put his hands on my shoulders to stop me and his eyes narrowed. “Talk.”

“Okay.” I took an enormous breath and I talked . . . fast. “I love you. I want to try to do this. I can’t guarantee that I can give up shooting people all at once so I might have to wean myself off. I want to be with you—all the time. I have no clue what the hell we’re going to do for a living, but I won’t live off of you even though you’re richer than shit. I have to have my own job and my own income. I’ll think about having kids with you, but you’ll have to sign something that says you’ll change diapers and do half of everything. I will never be a stay-at-home mom. I would suck at that, so we’ll just have to bring our kids with us when we figure out what in the hell we’re going to do with ourselves for the rest of our lives.” I stopped and inhaled since I hadn’t taken a single breath during my diatribe.

“How many kids do you want?” he asked, smiling.

“I thought two would be good. Three if it doesn’t hurt too much to blow them out. Why, how many do you want?”

“I was thinking two, but I’m good with four or five, if that’s what you want.”

“Oh my God,” I gasped. “I am not having five kids. You are on crack and . . .”

He was laughing and I wanted to punch him. I was laying everything on the line and he was amused by me. I wanted to do damage, but I wanted him more.

“You are insane. You’ve made my life whole,” he said, pulling me to him and crushing his lips to mine. “I am so in love with you it fucking hurts. The only reason I’m still here is because I wanted every minute I could get with you before you ran.”

“I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”

“What happened?” he asked as he ran his hands up and down my arms, making sure I was real.

“Well, you happened and I got smarter along the way.”

“Even if you had run, I would have come after you until I wore your ass down and you agreed to be mine.”

“Really?” That was one of the hottest things he’d ever said. There was pretty much nothing I could do to shake him, and nothing could make me happier. “I’m screwed up,” I admitted.

“Tell me something I don’t know.” He chuckled and kissed me again. “I’m no prize either, but I love you. I’ll be good to you and I’ll do my best to make you happy till the day I die.”

“You already make me happy. You make me believe in things I thought were only for other people, but I’m serious about weaning off the shooting. That might be hard for me.”

“Me too,” he conceded. “But if we’re going to do this right, we can’t have cartels gunning for us on a daily basis.”

“Steve’s gonna shit,” I muttered, imagining his reaction.

“Nope. You’re wrong. I’ll bet my island that this will make him very happy. Not so sure about your brother, but I can take his ass.” He laughed. I grinned and ran my fingers over his lips. He was really mine.

“Get your shit together, people, we have a show to do,” Shoshanna bellowed.

“I’ll be right back. Stay here,” Luke said. He jogged over to Shoshanna and gave her a big hug. He whispered something in her ear. She smiled and began to tear up. She ran over to me and threw herself into my arms.

“Welcome to the world of the living, beautiful girl. It’s going to be such a great life.” She kissed me and I stared up at the ceiling so I wouldn’t cry and ruin my makeup.

“We’re on in five,” she shouted. “I’m going out front to introduce the show. Kick ass and take no prisoners!” With that final sage piece of advice, she sprinted away.

My stomach was in knots and I glanced around. What in the hell had I been thinking when I’d volunteered to do this? I wasn’t a performer, I was a soon to be former DEA agent who liked to shoot bad guys. Fuck. I couldn’t do this.

“It’ll be fine,” Luke said, recognizing my panic. “We’ll do this for Shoshanna and then will go to my room and screw till we’re blind and tomorrow we start our new life.”

“Okay.” I blew out a long slow breath. I would just pretend I was someone else. God knew I’d been doing that very thing for years.

“Mag, you look stunning,” Teddy gushed as he adjusted himself in his speedo. “You’re breasts are mouthwatering. Do you mind if I touch one? I want to know what they feel like.”

“Um . . .” I looked at Luke to see if he was going to blow a gasket, but he just grinned and shrugged. “Sure,” I told Teddy.

With one finger he reached out and poked it. “Ohhhh, it’s firm but squishy—somewhat like a flaccid testicle.”

I didn’t know if I should be flattered or insulted. I went with flattered. “Thank you.”

“May I?” Rocky asked from behind his lover. “I’ve actually never felt one before.”

“Ooookay,” I said. This was bizarre and funny if I really thought about it. Rocky used two fingers and poked.

“Goodness,” he exclaimed with admiration. “They are like spongy juggling balls. They bounce back beautifully.”

“That’s enough, boys. Those are my tits you’re playing with and I say you’re done.” Luke stepped in and stopped the boob play.

“Oh,” Teddy growled, and made hand claws. “Duke is such an alpha male. We must do lunch sometime, Mag. I’d just adore hearing how the tiger is in the sack. Call me,” he said as he walked off to do his final round of twerks.

“Are you ready?” Luke asked.

“No. Are you?”

“No, but I’m so damn happy right now, I’d consider twerking.”

“Oh my God.” I laughed and put my hand on his forehead to check for a temperature. “No fever. You’re good.”

“Baby,” he said in a voice that made me weak. “I’ve never been better. Let’s get this over with.”

“I’ve got your back.”

The sound of Shoshanna’s voice booming through the crowded ballroom made me giggle. Her excitement was contagious and the butterflies in my stomach started a fistfight. The rush and unsettling tingle I always got when I was going into a potentially dangerous job washed over me and I paused. WTF? It had to be nerves and the fact that I was getting out of the business. I looked at Luke and the brawl inside my stomach lessened. He was my future. I had no clue where we would end up, but I really didn’t care.

The guys were pumped. Rocky and Teddy were doing a final manic twerk and Cesar and Cheech were chest bumping and speaking in rapid Spanish. It was too bad Jim wasn’t back here . . . actually he was lucky. I’d have to figure out a way to make him pay for deserting us. Although getting stabbed did even up the odds.

“Boys,” Teddy instructed since there was no one of authority in the area. “Remember, section one is the walk. Shoshanna will call us out individually, and we will strut our stuff.”

“Cesar and I will go to together,” Cheech informed Teddy rudely.

“That’s not what we practiced,” Teddy shrieked, on the verge of a diva meltdown. “You have to do it the way we practiced or the whole night will be ruined.”

“No,” Cesar cut in. “We go together. We are brothers and blood is thick.”

“Oh dear God.” Teddy flipped his hair and paced the small backstage area in a panic. “This is just awful.”

“How about this,” Cesar offered. “After the big number, you and your boyfriend here can twerk and show the crowd your skills.”

“Do you think?” Teddy’s eyes lit up, and he began to unconsciously braid his hair. “But it wasn’t rehearsed,” he whispered.

“What do you have to care?” Cheech demanded. “The hairless woman of the bitch is jealous of the twerk. And even though I will win the contest because of my package, I give to you the twerk on the stage.”

“Oh sweet Jesus,” Teddy squealed. “I’m so excited. Rocky, are you in?”

“Always,” Rocky said, and hugged his certifiable boyfriend.

“Issss settled,” Cheech proclaimed, and gave us all an extra gag-inducing grind to seal the deal.

“Wait,” Luke said. “I am not twerking. Period.”

“No problem,” Cesar said. “We can leave the stage while they twerk and come back when they’re done.”

Luke shrugged and rolled his eyes. “Sure. Whatever.”

“This will go down in the history books,” Teddy said without an ounce of sarcasm. “My time has finally come.”

The boys lined up and strutted their stuff on the runway to the hellaciously loud techno pop. I had a perfect vantage point and watched the screaming women go nuts. Most of the audience still had their hands in the air, and several of the hard-cores were flicking their lighters like it was a rock concert. Teddy, Rocky, Cesar, and Cheech were in heaven, but Luke was clearly in hell. He was being a great sport and even gave a small hip roll, which set the crowd on fire. I giggled and wished I had my phone to record the debacle, but I saw the old dykes were filming away.

“How about that?” Shoshanna shouted into the mic, making me wince. “Are those guys hot, or what?”

After the boys came backstage, the show continued with awards for different authors. Medusa and Shoshanna spoke adoringly about the ten or so authors who accepted their plaques to the chants and applause of the fans. This was followed by a tribute to Shoshanna that brought tears to my eyes. The coordinators spoke of her career and her advancement of women’s causes. Shoshanna blushed repeatedly and the crowd laughed and clapped.