Crossings: A Sovereign Guardians Novel (18 page)

Heat and need shot through my veins at the intimate touch of his hands. I wanted everything and more. I wanted to touch him as he was touching me. I wanted to feel my skin against his. Clothes seemed a barrier to all that I wanted from him.

I slipped my own hands underneath his shirt and pushed the material up and away from his back and then his chest. My head moved down, lower, until my own lips followed the curve of his shoulder. His skin tasted salty and sweet and wonderful. My lips tasted and found the pulse at the curve of his neck. His gentle groan of pleasure told me all I needed to know. I lifted my head and his mouth found and captured my own again, and this time when his hands moved and edged lower into the band at my waist, I knew I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted him.

The distance he suddenly forced between us so surprised me that it took me a second to realize he was no longer holding me close. His hands that were caressing me only seconds before were now on my shoulders, holding me away from the warmth of his body. A body my own needed now like the air I needed to breathe.

My hair had come loose, and was falling around my face as I leaned toward him. Keller tilted his head down and touched his forehead to mine. His hands were shaking as they slid off my shoulders and down to my own hands, clasping my fingers tightly with his own.

The way he held me, our arms intertwined but our bodies no longer touched. I tried to move closer, but he held me firmly. He didn't try to kiss me again, and he wouldn't let me kiss him.

"What's wrong?" My voice was shaking. I didn't understand why he didn't want me the way I wanted him. It didn't matter if it was crazy or insane. I was consumed by something I couldn't explain. He had become the center of my everything in the breath of that moment, in the insanity of his kisses.

I had the small satisfaction of noting Keller's own breathing was equally unsteady, as he inhaled deeply trying to get control. He let out a second, slow breath before finally responding.

"Pagan, we have to stop."

I shook my head in denial. "No. No, we don't."

He laughed just a little, and I felt my own face break into a small, answering smile. I hadn't meant for my words to sound so desperate, but it was the truth. I didn't want to stop this, whatever
this
was, that was happening between us.

"There are things about me you don't know, sweetheart. Things I can't tell you. You don't know what you're doing, and if we keep on with
this
, it's going to end with me carrying you into the house and up to your room, and I can promise you it won't be so we can study science notes for finals. And as much as we both might want that right now, this minute, you need to trust me that stopping this before it goes that far is the right thing to do."

I jerked my hands out of his grasp, mortified. A thousand thoughts ran through my mind. I couldn't even argue that he was wrong. I didn't understand the chemistry between us, the reactions I felt whenever he was around. Only earlier I'd wanted to throw him out of my house, I'd wanted to escape how he made me feel, and now I was throwing myself at him only to have him reject me.

What an idiot I was. I should be happy he was at least enough of a gentleman to have stopped. He knew Gran was gone. He could've kept on, and I would have followed him.

No protests.

No regrets.

Until now.

Keller's eyes were focused on me. He looked nervous, unsure. His thumb began twirling his silver ring around and around his index finger. His voice interrupted my thoughts before they could continue their reckless, unstoppable spiral.

"Babe, I can tell what you're thinking, and if you think I don't want you, you're wrong. You can't possibly understand that what I'm doing for us both right now, it's for the best. I need you to understand that I care about you enough to let you go."

"What does that mean?" I fired back at him. Anger flared inside me, replacing my humiliation.

"You want me? Really, Keller? I throw myself at you like some lovesick fool with no will of her own. I practically melt in your arms, and you set me to the side, not once but twice now. But this time, this time, you give me some line about how there's things I don't know so we need to just back off. Well, guess what, Mr. Perfect, I know how to solve that little problem. Tell me. Just tell me what it is that I don't know and let me decide for myself."

His jaw clenched and unclenched, his finger worked the silver of his ring faster and faster as it turned in a circle on his perfectly tanned skin. His voice was low, but I heard his mumbled, "
Why doesn't this work
?"

"Why doesn't what work?" I shot back.

His startled eyes met my angry glare. He seemed surprised, embarrassed that he’d spoken out loud. I was too angry to care as I plowed on recklessly. "Why doesn't your explanation work? Is that what you want to know? I'll tell you why. Because you aren't explaining anything!"

He reached for me, but I backed away this time, staying out of his grasp.

His face was giving nothing away, and that made me even angrier. Why was I the only one upset?

"Why can't you talk to me, Keller? Don't tell me you don't feel this connection we have. I know you do. It makes me crazy most of the time.
You
make me crazy. But for a moment..."

I looked away from him, trying to hold back my tears, before I dared look at him again. "For a moment, crazy was wonderful."

He didn't respond. He stood there like a statue. The only emotion I saw from him was the clinching of his jaw. His hands hung at his sides, no longer reaching for me.

I knew then.

I knew he wasn't going to answer me. He wasn't going to try and stop me.

So I had no reason to stay.

I walked away from him, willing him to call me back to him, but he didn't.

Fighting the tears in my eyes, I blindly mounted the steps to the porch and went inside.

The slamming of the front door was the only sound I heard, but the silence that followed me as I walked alone into the house was deafening.

Chapter Nine

The bell rang and released me from the last moments of the school year. A sigh of relief seemed to come from the entire student body at the sound. Another year finished.

My own relief was mixed with a great deal of satisfaction. It was going to be amazing being a senior next year. To have it finally, within my grasp, well, the feeling was without equal.

"Pagan!" Faith's voice screamed my name as she came rushing across the parking lot. I looked at her red wedge sandals that perfectly matched her short, red and blue plaid skirt and wondered how she could walk that fast in shoes that high. My own black canvas shoes were definitely more my style. Marilyn and Summer were right behind her, waving at me to stay.

I stopped walking and waited for the girls I now thought of as my closest group of friends. When they reached me, we all started screaming and hugging each other. I honestly didn't know why we were screaming, but it was infectious and fun, and for once I felt like everyone else around me - a normal teenager.

"Ride with us, Pagan," Marilyn said as she motioned to Faith's car. "Faith is taking Summer and me home. You know I usually ride with Summer, but her car is on the fritz right now, so we're bumming rides from Faith."

It only took me a second to agree. I had been about to take my regular shortcut through the woods, but I was still a bit nervous after what had happened last weekend, and now whenever I walked on the trails, it reminded me of Keller.

I had seen him only briefly since what I now called in my mind our second strange encounter, but we didn't talk even then. The first time I saw him, his eyes held mine a second longer than they should have, but not so much that anyone else would have noticed. It was the same as the incident before, except this time I knew for sure there was no need for conversation because there was nothing left to say.

Wrapped up in my own worries and studying for finals, I'd had little to no time to talk with my friends lately. Then our class schedules had been rearranged for the exams, so even our regular lunch session had been disrupted for the entire week which had been a blessing to me. It was easier not having to pretend and make polite conversation with the normal lunchroom crowd.

"You don't mind giving me a ride?" I asked Faith, but really I was just being polite because I knew she didn't. Her perfectly manicured hand grabbed my arm and hauled me in the direction of her car.

"You know I don't mind. I've told you before I'd give you a ride home every afternoon if you'd let me, but I know you love those little nature walks of yours, so I try not to harass you about it too much. Today, though, you are coming with us."

I hadn't told Faith about what had happened with Keller. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but for some reason I didn't want to share it with her just yet, even if she was my best friend.

Arms linked, we walked across the parking lot. Faith pressed the unlock symbol on her key fob, and we all climbed into the car. I got in the back with Summer, and Marilyn took shotgun.

With my seatbelt buckled, I leaned back ready to enjoy a few minutes of girlfriend chatter. I knew I'd miss this over the summer even though I was thrilled to have some time away from school.

Everyone started talking about their plans for the break. Summer and Marilyn were going to a summer camp to work as counselors. They'd actually both been campers there when they were younger but had worked at the camp the past two years.

Faith's plans didn't involve any work. She was going on a few trips with her parents. One was a cruise, and they were even letting her boyfriend go with them, which if the smile on her face as she talked about it was proof of anything, made her deliriously happy. She'd promised me at the start of the week that she'd be home during some of the summer so we could hang out and do some things. I was glad she was getting to go on her trips, but I was selfishly looking forward to the weeks she'd be home. When the conversation swung back to me and my plans, I realized I really didn't have any.

"It's crazy, I know, but it will be the first summer I've spent the entire time at Fairvue." My head touched the seat as I eased further back into it. Being home meant more to me than I could explain, but I tried.

"It'll be good to spend some time with Gran without having to think about packing up for boarding school."

I grinned at the girls to alleviate some of the seriousness which had invaded the conversation. They knew a little about my situation, but no one really knew all of it. Everyone in Jasper respected my grandmother, so no one ever dared bring up the strained relationship that had existed between my father and me. I was glad about the topic was taboo, because I definitely didn't want to talk about it.

We were almost to my house and I didn't want to leave on such a serious note, but I wasn't sure what to say next. As Faith turned the car down the long drive to Fairvue, I saw Keller's truck parked in front of one of the barns on the property.

How had he managed to get here so quickly? The only explanation could be that he was one of the students who'd finished exams before lunch and had been able to go ahead and check out of school.

Oddly enough, in my successful attempts to avoid Keller, I'd also somehow missed any opportunity to see Granger. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but it seemed like they were together more often than not. I didn't know if Keller was the type to talk to Granger about what had happened. I hoped not, but I could feel my cheeks growing red at the thought.

Faith honked the horn and slowed down as we drove past Keller. I should have known she'd do something like that. They were friends, after all. I hoped he would know I hadn't put her up to it. I didn't want to look at him as we drove by, but I couldn't help myself.

Even from this distance I could tell his jeans were covered in dirt where he'd obviously already been working for awhile. His hands were holding several large feed sacks, but he nodded as we drove past. His eyes found mine through the window of the car. I was the first to look away, and I purposely kept my gaze focused on the front window of the car until we moved past him.

I heard a sigh from beside me and noticed Summer was still staring out the window, a dreamy look on her face. My hand shot out and only a little playfully slapped her across the arm bringing her attention away from Keller.

"What?" She shrugged her shoulders, totally confused. "He's so cute, and you are so lucky to have that as your view all summer."

I shook my head, my eyes wide in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? That is not something I want to look at during my break. I get quite enough of him at school, thank you very much." My voice had taken on an almost hysterical tone, and my subconscious mocked me.

T
he girl dost protest too much
.

The look she shot back said she didn't believe me.

"I'm serious!"

"Then you're blind," Summer stated easily. "That little piece of eye candy out there is too sweet for any living, breathing girl not to notice."

Marilyn turned around in her seat, giggling. "You should see the look on your face right now, Pagan. You look absolutely horrified at the idea of Keller being described as a sweet treat."

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes, desperate to turn the conversation away from Keller. "The only type of candy he might be is a box of Nerds."

"I love Nerds," Summer said so quickly that we all burst out laughing.

"Well, Keller's hot alright," Marilyn confirmed, "but his friend Granger is the one I'd like to have all summer long outside in my front yard, or inside my house, or maybe in my room, or possibly in my- "

"Enough!" I interrupted before she gave us all any more visuals of just where all she'd like to see Granger. "You are both going to spend the entire summer with a lot of male camp counselors your own age, and I bet you wouldn't be going back for a second summer of counseling fun if some of them weren't pretty hot."

Summer and Marilyn exchanged knowing looks and at the same time screamed, "Jackson Evans!"

"You are so intuitive, Pagan," Faith complimented me. "These two never let on about any summer romance last year.

"Addressing the other two girls she asked, "I take it he's adorable?"

"He's the lifeguard at the camp beach and adorable doesn't even begin to describe Jackson's abs," Marilyn sighed. "Sadly there was no romance last year, at least for us. In his free time he was all over, and I do mean all over, a senior girl from Wells, but she's not coming back this year, so that leaves poor Jackson all alone. We've already decided it's our civic duty for one of us to be a good, little counselor and make sure he's not lonely."

"We promise to take a picture of him and send it to you guys." Summer looked at me and amended, "Oops, sorry, Pagan. Forgot about your no phone status. We'll send it via Faith, so you can drool and dream."

Arriving at Fairvue, Faith pulled her small car in front of the house and moved the gear into park so I could get out. It only took me a second to grab my bag and say my goodbyes before scrambling out of the back seat. Faith promised to call me as soon as she was back from her first trip, and I waved to the group one last time before climbing the porch stairs to go inside.

I tried the knob, but the door was locked, so I dug my key out from my bag and fumbled with one hand until I got it open and went inside.

"Gran!"

My voice echoed through the house, but no one answered. I dropped my bag at my usual place in the entry hall and headed toward the kitchen. On the refrigerator was a note held up by a yellow, smiling face magnet emblazoned with a phone number for a local pizza place. I pulled it down and scanned the message.

Apparently Mr. Mac had surprised Gran by picking her up, and they were headed to a flea market in Kentucky. She reminded me to use his cell number if I needed to reach her. I put the message on the counter and opened the door of the refrigerator to look for the fried chicken she also promised I would find.

"Bingo," I said in the silence of the house as I pulled out the plate and popped my early supper in the microwave to heat.

I watched the plate go round and round, willing it to heat even faster. While I was waiting, I pulled my hair down from its normal ponytail and shook out my thick mass of curls. The simple gesture seemed to relieve a lot of pressure and made me feel completely free from school. Taking finals made my head hurt, but apparently it also made me ravenous because I could hardly wait for the chicken to be ready.

The familiar ping assured me everything was done. I grabbed the plate from the microwave and a bottle of water from the refrigerator and headed into the living room to relax in front of the television while I ate. Nothing sounded better than the possibility of losing myself in some meaningless show while stuffing my face with Gran's county fair, prize-winning, fried chicken.

It took me only a minute to find a reality television show that followed the lives of two pseudo-famous teenage girls. By the first commercial break I'd inhaled two pieces of chicken and had just picked up my third piece when someone knocked at the door.

Surprised that anyone would be coming over, I made my way to the front of the house. But when I tried opening the door, my fingers were so slick from the friend chicken grease that the knob wouldn't turn under my grip.

"Who is it?" I hollered, hoping whoever it was might be someone I could just tell to go away.

"It's Granger."

The quick intake of my breath was so loud I wondered if he could hear my surprise through the door. I had no idea why Granger Panera was standing on my front porch.

Had he talked to Keller? Was that the reason he was here? Was he doing the best friend thing where he came to tell me how great Keller was and to forgive him for being a jerk? I almost laughed at that image. That was not something I could imagine Keller asking or Granger agreeing to do.

I glanced down and saw there were crumbs from the fried chicken all over my shirt, and I still had grease all over my fingers.

"Uhm, just a minute," I yelled back, hoping he wouldn't go away until I could get back.

I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a dish towel and wiped off my hands and quickly brushed the crumbs off my shirt. I took a fast sip of water from a bottle I already had open in the fridge before hurrying back.

I was a bit out of breath by the time I got there, but I didn't think my cheerful, "Hey," sounded too weird as I opened the door and faced him.

"Hey, yourself," he responded, his smile always charming.

"Why don't you, uhm, come on into the living room," My words sounded more like a question than an invitation, but he didn't seem to notice. I shut the door behind him, and I was relieved when he headed in the direction I pointed.

Watching him walk into the house, Marilyn's earlier words came rushing back to me. With my eyes glued to his retreating form, I couldn't help but think she was right. Granger
had
looked good standing there on my front porch. He looked very good standing inside my house. And he would probably look very good -

Oh my.

I was so messed up. There had to be something wrong with me. One minute I was obsessing over Keller, and the next I was thinking about his best friend. Glancing at the television screen, I couldn't help but think that maybe I should have my own reality show.