Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants (7 page)

He squished our record attempt with his two great big snowballs, but we had the last laugh – me and Matt managed to turn them into a great big snow-bum! It measures
111.36 m all the way round. It’s huge and it’s awesome, but is it a record breaker?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

PS Even though the Big Thaw started today, my dad says that our snow-bottom is so massive it won’t melt for weeks! Ace!

The Great Big Book
of World Records
London

Dear Danny

I read all about Merrick Moth’s terrible deeds, and he is now banned from future record attempts. I will NOT be sending him any more certificates ever again. However, his
disgraceful behaviour has led to yet another stunning achievement by you and Matthew!

That snow-bottom is one of the most truly wonderful creations I have ever seen! I have framed the photograph you sent, and it now hangs in my office where everyone can see
it.

Congratulations! You and Matthew have set a new world record for the Biggest Snow-bottom Ever Made! You should be very proud! I have enclosed another certificate to add to your
collection.

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

The Big Freeze was over, and the Big Return to School was about to begin. Danny was up early and sat at the kitchen table sprinkling sugar on his bowl of cereal. He sniffed and
wiped his nose on the sleeve of his jumper.

Just as he raised a spoonful of cereal to his mouth, Danny felt the floor move beneath his feet and heard something crack and creak under the table. He peered down to see the tiles on the
kitchen floor lifting and shifting.

There was a tearing sound as strips of wallpaper peeled away from the walls around the room, tumbling to the floor in a heap. The paint on the kitchen door started to bubble and pop.

‘What. . . ?’ he whispered. ‘Could it be . . . Phase One: the smelly sweat?’

A bunch of flowers in a vase on the window sill wilted as Danny stared at it, the petals falling, the leaves shrivelling and turning brown.

‘And . . .’ Danny’s nose began to itch and twitch, ‘the explosive sneezes?’

The tickling became more intense. Suddenly, a booming, thunderous sneeze exploded from him, peppering his breakfast bowl with bogeys, and splattering congealed milk and soggy cornflakes far and
wide.

‘A . . . A . . . A . . . TISHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’

Upstairs, he heard Dad cry out, ‘We’ve got a gas leak!’

‘It’s not gas, it’s ME!’ shouted Danny, doing an excited jig around the kitchen. ‘I’ve got it at last! I’ve got Skunk Flu!’

He heard the sound of feet rushing down the stairs, and a moment later Natalie burst into the room, followed by Mum and Dad.

‘Phwoar!’ sneered his sister. ‘What a horrible . . .’ She got no further. Her face turned green, her eyebrows shot up in surprise and she crumpled to the floor in a dead
faint.

‘Awesome!’ he spluttered, breathing in the thick, sickly odour. ‘Your plan worked! You smell like . . . a blocked toilet in a rotten-egg factory!’

‘And a dead kipper down a drain,’ added Mum.

‘And an orang-utan’s armpit,’ added Dad.

Natalie added nothing: she was still unconscious on the floor.

‘Runny green cheese and Joey’s sloppy nappies aren’t going to cover
this
pong,’ continued Dad. ‘We’re going to need gas masks!’

‘Ace!’ grinned Danny. ‘I’m
definitely
going to have the World’s Whiffiest, Waggiest, Burpiest, Record-breakingest Skunk Flu Ever!’

To the Keeper of the Records

The Great Big Book of World Records

London

Annwyl Mr Bibby (That means ‘Dear Mr Bibby’ in Welsh)

We’re having a Welsh Week at school, because my class is going to the Phwllwygol-y-wig Adventure Centre in North Wales (our teacher says it’s pronounced
Poo-wiggly-wig! Ace!) We’ve been singing in Welsh, baking slimy seaweed bread, wearing funny black hats, eating leek soup and playing rugby (it’s not as good as football).