Deep Surrendering: Episode Five (7 page)

“I’m here.”

“I thought I lost you,” he said, and there was a tinge of sadness in his words, as if he wasn’t just talking about a phone call.

“No, I’m right here. Just dropped the phone.” I wiped the screen off on my sheet and got up to open a window. It was stifling in my bedroom.

“That was my first act of phone sex,” I said. “Was it good for you?”

“It’s not the same. But yes, it was good.” There was a pause.

“You’ve had phone sex before, I’m guessing.”

“Yes. I have.”

Oh well, no big deal. He’d done a hell of a lot more things bedroom wise than I had. No reason to quibble about this one.

“But this is the first time with someone I cared about. So you have that in your favor.”

That made me smile. “Good. So, do I get my secret now?” I flopped back on my bed, lying on my stomach with my feet up and crossed at the ankles.

“I suppose,” he said with a sigh.

“Fair’s fair, Fin.”

He laughed. “I know. I was just teasing.”

I put a pillow under my head and turned it to the side. “Start talking.”

He let out a breath, and I could tell he was getting comfortable again. “I used to believe that I was cursed. That everything I touched would break or be ruined. I had reason to believe that. Every time something broke in the house, or something bad happened, my parents seemed to turn the blame on me, even if I didn’t do it. My dog died? My fault. Lamp fell from a table, even though I didn’t touch it? My fault. Dinner party ruined? My fault. If you’re told something enough times, you believe it’s true. So I believed it. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to sleep with someone I dated. It was a way to keep them at arm’s length so they wouldn’t get hurt. I think some of it still follows me around.”

“The traumas we experience in our childhoods stay with us and shape us as adults. That’s definitely something I know to be true,” I said, thinking about my own life. “I’m sorry they did that to you. I just don’t understand why they would blame you for things you didn’t do. And why they would act like that toward their only child.” There was a thick silence on the other end of the phone.

“There was a reason, I suppose. Or they used it as a reason,” Fin said, and I had the feeling I was on the verge of getting a two for one secret special.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I said quickly. I always hated to push him when it came to talking about his past. I knew it hurt him, and it hurt me as well.

“No, I might as well get this out, now that I’ve opened the door. Technically, I wasn’t their only child. I was part of a set of twins. My brother was born first, and he only survived for a few weeks. I think, in some twisted way, they blamed me for his death.”

I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “What the fuck. That’s so messed up, Fin. What is wrong with them?” I couldn’t even begin to wrap my mind around that. Why would you blame a child for surviving?

“I know. It took me a long time to figure it out and realize that was what they were doing. I don’t try to follow their logic. It’s a path I don’t want to travel down.” I had to sit and think about that for a moment. I just … I had no words.

“I wish I could hug you right now,” I said, my eyes misting up.

“I know. But I’ve come to terms with things. Or at least I try to. It’s a process and a struggle. I haven’t always found the best ways to deal with things.” That I knew.

“It doesn’t matter,” I blurted out. “It doesn’t matter what you did to deal. It doesn’t matter. It’s a miracle you’re even functioning,” I said.

“Well. I don’t know about that. Some would say my form of functioning isn’t normal.”

“Fuck normal,” I said, and I heard the surprise on his end. “Who cares what anyone else thinks?”

“You’re right. I know you’re right, sweet Mari Cherry.” I loved the nickname he’d come up with for me.

“My parents used to blame me for stuff, too. Not like that, obviously, but other things. I talked to my mom the other day. I feel bad for not being around, but every time I get within a mile radius of her, I start twitching and get stressed out.” It took going away to college and leaving my parents to realize the effect they had on my life. I’d been so on edge from being near them that I had to cut off almost all contact. Some might see it as selfish, but I saw it as self-preservation.

“I wonder, sometimes, what my life would have been like if I’d been born to a different couple. Do you ever think about that?”

I had. A million times.

“Yeah. But I think it’s the case of the grass being greener, you know? Who knows if things might have been worse?” Not sure how much worse things could have gotten for Fin. I didn’t know about any physical abuse from his parents, but there was rampant emotional abuse.

“True.” We pondered our separate thoughts for a few moments.

“It’s late, I should let you go,” he said.

“It’s later where you are.”

“Yes, but I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep.”

“You sound exhausted.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” he said. I called bullshit on that.

“Get some sleep, please. For me. Could you do that for me?” It wasn’t an outrageous request.

“I can try. For you, Marisol.”

“Thanks.”

I wanted to say something else, but didn’t know what.

“Goodnight,” he said.

“Goodnight, Fin. Sweet dreams.” We hung up and I set the phone on my bedside table.

I tried to sleep, but my thoughts about Fin and his life spun around and around like a tornado, and I couldn’t quiet my mind.

I pictured Fin, that chubby little boy in the picture he’d given me before he left, and I couldn’t even imagine saying an unkind word to him. There was no justification for that. None.

I hoped I didn’t run into his dad anytime soon because I’d have more than a few choice words for him. Even though he scared the daylights out of me.

Fin didn’t deserve the treatment he’d gotten. He didn’t deserve the treatment he was still getting. I made my escape from my parents, but he couldn’t. The chains were locked tight.

And then I came to a realization.

Fin was never getting out. He’d never get free of his father. Not unless he was willing to do something drastic and risk losing everything. I didn’t know what it would take, but I didn’t think Fin was ready for it. I didn’t know if I’d have the courage for that.

The hours ticked by and my thoughts kept swirling. There was no easy answer.

I
t was a struggle to get through the next day, due to the lack of sleep from the night before. I had several people ask me if I was feeling okay, probably due to my zombie-like state and the dark thoughts that showed on my face. I had a hard time hiding what I was thinking.

I texted Rory, saying that I missed her and couldn’t wait to hear from her. She was definitely busy with her job and her new man, which I understood. She messaged me back right away and pretty much confirmed my suspicions. I wasn’t supposed to know about the man part of the equation, so I just played along and wished her good luck at work. I answered her back, asking if we’d made any progress on planning the girls’ weekend we’d been trying to plan for ages. She sent a quick response that she was trying to figure out a new date, and she’d let me know.

You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard to get four of us away for a weekend, but it was harder than finding Atlantis at this point. Being an adult sucked sometimes.

Sloane was next, and she sent me back one of her novel-length texts, saying that she was super busy, but if I wanted to drop by the studio, she had some new things to show me.

I grinned and thought that would be the perfect antidote to the gloom that had descended over me.

“I have something for you,” Sloane said, pulling me over to a corner of her huge studio where she was working on her new lingerie line. She was preparing for an upcoming show, and to pitch her bras and panties and so forth. She’d been testing a lot of her work out on Rory, probably to the delight of her new fellow. She’d given me a bra and panty set that Fin loved, and there was no doubt in my mind that was what she was going to present me with.

I wasn’t disappointed.

“Tada! It’s for your lover boy’s homecoming. Does this say welcome back or what?” She wiggled her dark eyebrows as I took in the bra and panty set. It was red, white, and blue, but it was a more subtle tribute to the American flag. White lace bloomed on the red bra and edged the blue panties.

“Thank you, Sloane. They’re really pretty.” I looked around and found her interns and employees staring at me.

“Go and try them on,” she said, pushing me behind a curtain. That was also part of the deal. You had to put the stuff on. I wasn’t sure about modeling the skimpy outfit in front of everyone, but then I heard a noise and realized it was Sloane snapping her fingers.

“Hey, get back to work. Nothing to see here,” she snapped. “Honestly, I think I need to start doing some firing. Bunch of slackers I’ve got.” She stood just on the other side of the curtain.

“Let me know when you’ve got it on so I can check the fit.” I put the set on and, of course, they fit as if they’d been custom made for me. Because they had.

“Okay,” I said, and Sloane stepped behind the curtain. She put one hand on her hip and made a circle with her other, bracelets jingling.

I made a slow circle, and she poked and checked. “Looks good. How does it feel?” she asked after making me do another turn.

“You know it fits perfect. Stop fishing for compliments.” She stuck her tongue out at me and gave me a little pat on the butt.

“Don’t be sassy.” She ducked out from behind the curtain, and I put my clothes back on. She took the bra and panties from me and wrapped them up with a bow.

“So, how are things?” I asked, leaning on one of her tables that was scattered with drawings and sketches.

“Moving along. Busy. Work. That’s pretty much it. And it’s been a while, if you know what I mean,” she said with a wink. “Rory getting all this action is reminding me how much fun it is to have sex with a guy. But I’m not jealous.” She tacked on the last part hastily.

“No, no. Not at all.” I couldn’t help but smile. It was so good to see one of my very best friends. We chatted some more about her work, and I told her more details about Fin, and she kept sighing and saying how romantic it was and how we were going to have this epic love story. Well, I didn’t know about that. And obviously I didn’t tell her anything about our sexcapades or any of his secrets. It was easier than I thought to skim over those little things and just talk about everything else.

“Listen, I have to get back to work. The minions are getting restless, but we need to have dinner or go out to the bar soon. I’ll see if I can get Rory to bring her ginger,” she said.

“Sounds good. I’ll talk with Chlo and we’ll work something out.” I gave her a quick hug before taking my new lingerie and heading back to my apartment.