Esther (34 page)

The king had said women leave their legacy in a son, but I would be a legend yet.

My chambers felt empty without Ruti. The musicians could not cover the great silence beneath their songs. The day after my trip into the military court I sent for my handmaids. When I heard high-pitched chatter outside my receiving room, I rose from my satin cushions and hurried past a servant to open the door. All six girls dropped to their knees so quickly it was as though they had fallen.

“Rise,” I said to their bowed heads. They stood and looked back at me, but also, I noticed, they looked past me, at my new chambers. We had not seen each other since I had become queen.

“Come in and see how Ahura Mazda has rained his blessings down upon me.”

As the girls passed near me I was overwhelmed by the scent of the harem: a combination of roses, cloves, and mimosa mixed with essence of musk, sandalwood, myrrh, and balsam. I remembered standing outside the harem for the first time, foolishly thinking that inside I would find safety. My own chamber smelled only of the fragrant cypress and fruit trees in the Women's Courtyard below my balcony, and the rosewater my servants bathed me in.

Utanah was still kept away from the harem, but she visited me with my other handmaidens. She stopped and smiled at me. “One of the four Immortals standing guard outside of your chambers is more handsome than any man I have seen.” She reeked as though she had swum in wine. She quickly added, “Any man besides the king, of course.”

I could not ask aloud if Erez was the Immortal she spoke of, but I hoped if I stared at her, the wine she had drunk would move her tongue.

“I did not mean to upset you, Your Majesty. His blackened eyes are a little frightening, but they do not hide his beauty. I am so excited you are queen that I cannot help but see the beauty of all that surrounds you.”

“You have not upset me,” I said, uncertain if this was true.

After the heavy wooden doors had closed, I could not keep from staring at them for a moment.

I did not turn back toward my chambers until I heard Utanah exclaim, “It is richer and more beautiful than a field of shaded grass.” She had dropped to her knees again and was running her hands over the rug in my reception hall, her fingers stretched wide.

Even Opi, who had no trouble holding her wine, could not hide her awe. She stared at the silk curtains hanging from golden rods and at the griffins and other reliefs along the walls, before going out to the balcony to stand with the other girls admiring the courtyard below.

I called the girls in to show them my wardrobe. At first no one touched anything. Then Bhagwanti sneaked a quick caress of one of the scarves. “It matches your lips,” I said. She jumped and seemed ready to plead for forgiveness. Now that I was queen there was no trace of the girl who had put me in my place by merely raising one eyebrow. Would I become like the king, so used to flattery and peoples' fear that anything else would appear strange?

Before Bhagwanti had a chance to speak, I said, “I would like you to have it.” Then I called out loudly, so all could hear, “I would like each of you to have a scarf.”

Their shyness fell away. They set upon my wardrobe so frantically I wondered if they feared I would change my mind.

When each of my handmaidens had found a scarf, I invited everyone to retire upon cushions in the receiving hall. I called upon the musicians to play for us. This time as I listened with my handmaids I did not hear the silence beneath the notes. The girls did not stop marveling at their new head scarves, sometimes calling out to each other over the music. I tried not to look at the door behind which Erez stood.

“R-R-Ruti . . . , ” the handmaiden who stuttered asked.

“Ruti has saved my life. Unlike Crier she has survived it. She will return to me shortly.”

The girls were happy to hear this, but their happiness faded when I asked about the harem.

“Halannah does not ease her attacks upon us,” the girl who had first looked like a boy when she came to the harem said. “But at least we are no longer concerned that she will take something from us that we cannot get back.”

“Does she ask of me?”

I studied each girl's face, wondering if Halannah had enlisted another spy among my handmaidens.

Only Opi spoke without hesitation. “She says you will not be queen for long. She was called in to the king last night.”

I willed the flush of anger creeping up my neck to stop before reaching my face. Even as queen I was only one of hundreds of women who belonged to the king. I could quietly suffer the indignity of it if only Halannah was not the woman the king preferred.

I could not keep from asking, “And the night before that?”

“Another virgin,” Opi said. “One who did not come back with even the jeweled veil she wore into his bedchamber.”

“I heard she did not make it to his bedchamber,” Bhagwanti said.

“The king did not wish to lie with her?” I was ashamed at having to ask my handmaidens for news of my husband, and for the hopefulness in my voice when I asked of another woman's misfortune.

“He did not want her in his bedchamber. He had her in his reception hall and quickly dismissed her.”

While the musicians played I could not help thinking of Erez standing on the other side of the doors to my chambers. Not more than twenty cubits from me.

After a while I noticed Opi watching me stare at the doors. She smiled. “Your Highness, the guard outside your chambers looks like he has taken many blows protecting you, and yet he is still as pleasurable to look upon as a Greek god.”

Every handmaiden's eyes were upon my face. “Is he the one who first laid his bow and arrow at your feet after you walked between the other archers' arrows?” Bhagwanti asked.

“I do not remember,” I said. I was glad news of my journey into the military court was already spreading through the harem, but I did not wish to draw any more attention to Erez. I clapped my hands and called for the twenty jugglers I had arranged. The girls had seen jugglers before, but they had not seen so many at once, throwing torches high overhead and catching them in bare hands. I wanted to impress the girls with the spectacle. The jugglers spread out, throwing torches back and forth to each other. They began to fan around us.

Do they plan to throw fire over our heads?

I heard the girls shifting around on their cushions and the nervous laughter of the girl who stuttered. Utanah cried out in delight.

The jugglers were forming a circle around us.

The two Immortals who stood guard at the doors inside my chambers watched carefully. I hoped they were thinking of my safety, and therefore their own, but I would not wait for them. I stood. A torch flew not more than a couple of cubits above my head. I did not allow myself to cringe from the hot rush of air. “Thank you. You are dismissed.”

The juggler who must have been the leader called out, “Hold in three!”

The youngest was not more than eight years old. The boy held his torches too soon, and then tried to catch the torch thrown to him. He caught the third torch against his chest and began screaming as the flame touched his chin. But he did not drop it.

As I went toward the boy to take one of the torches, I heard the doors to my chambers open and footsteps rushing up behind me. Arms wrapped around me and it was as though I were still the girl I had been over a year ago, struggling against an unseen Immortal. Now it was me who screamed.

“Forgive me, Your Majesty, the king has charged me with keeping you safe, against your will if necessary.” Erez spoke quietly, but still I heard him. The boy dropped the torch. As Erez dragged me away I watched my rug catch fire.

He did not release me until we were in my wardrobe. I turned and raised my hand to slap him across the face. I saw the bruises already there and lowered my hand.

“How dare you drag me from my own reception hall in front of my handmaidens?”

“You can hit me if you wish, Your Majesty. But I will still have to do as the king has commanded.” His eyes were calm, and the confidence with which he spoke enraged me.

“How does it appear for me to be hauled away from my own reception hall in front of my handmaidens, servants, and all of the palace jugglers?”

“It appears as though your safety is being tended to and you are alive. You will remain so as long as I watch over you, despite your best efforts to place yourself in harm's way.”

“The king allows you to place your hands on me?”

“I am to do whatever is necessary to see to your safety.”

“I must return to my reception hall and calm my handmaidens. They are surely horrified by this ridiculous, chaotic spectacle.”

“Your Highness, they are being dismissed and your chamber cleared of all but your guard and servants.”

“How can that be? By whose authority are they dismissed?”

“Your new head eunuch Hathach, who the king has instructed to always be at the ready to step in for you when you are ushered to safety.”

For a moment I was speechless. “Am I a child? Did not you lay your bow and arrow at my feet only this very day?”

“When I laid my bow and arrow at your feet, I was seeking to protect you. That is what I am doing now. I have been instructed not to heed those of your commands which compromise your safety. In disobeying you, I am again laying all I have at your feet, my queen. There is only one thing I can do for you and I will do it with all my heart, and with my life if necessary.”

His heart. Did he mean it the way I could not help but want him to? It was once what I had wanted more than anything, but it was no longer enough. “And what of respect? Is that not what I saw upon your face as you knelt? My servants' and handmaidens' respect for me is diminishing each second I remain hidden away like a coward.”

I did not wait for an answer. I tried to walk around him, out of the wardrobe, but he blocked me. “We will wait here.”

I would not beg or be gentle. I had said please when he had kidnapped me and it had not moved him. This time I did not have to say please. “Am I queen in name only? If my handmaidens do not see that I am unharmed and all is well, there will be much talk in the harem and servants quarters.”

“Your Majesty, I take my orders from the king.”

I lifted my left hand. He caught it against his face as I struck him. I felt his sharp cheekbone, the short hard hair where he was supposed to have a beard, his lips, and his hand pressing against mine. His cheeks were flushed with emotion as he moved my hand across his lips and then back onto the tender bruised skin of his cheek so that I was cradling it. This was, I realized, what I truly wished to do.

I could no longer maintain the anger that was shielding me from something worse: fear. I knew he was telling me something he could not say aloud. He cared for me as much as I had wished him to, except, because I cared for him too, I could not welcome his feelings. He might die from them, one way or another. And I had the girls of the harem and my people to think of.

He stepped closer to me, so close our bodies touched. My fears became more muddled and then faded altogether. I pressed my face against his neck. I wanted to kiss him and taste the salt on his skin.

One of the doors to my wardrobe began to open, and Erez released my hand. I stepped back and let out a breath I did not know I had been holding. The heat of his skin still warmed my palm. I made a tight fist around it. I wanted to keep something of him with me, and the heat, for however long it lasted, was all I could have. I was the king's.

Erez looked stricken. His confidence and calm had fled from him as easily as my fears had fled from me. We had made a mistake, one I hoped he would forgive himself for.

A voice came from the entrance to the wardrobe. The Immortal from my guard did not address me. “The queen's chambers are secure.”

I walked past Erez. “Soldier!” I called.

“Yes, Your Majesty?”

“Next time you speak about me as though I am not here, I had better not be.”

I ignored his stammered plea for forgiveness and went to kneel over my rug. How would Utanah describe it now? The richest red, the deepest green, the most majestic blue and gold, were interrupted by patches of black, and in one spot the rug had burned away completely leaving the tile visible.

Even as I stared at the rug it was not the reason for the ache in my chest. I could never have Erez, not as I wanted.
I must think of him no more.

I wished Ruti were with me. I wanted to tell her of what had happened with the jugglers and how the eunuch Hathach's command would override mine if ever my life were thought to be in danger. I wanted to hold her hands and see her face. I missed her so badly it was as though she had been torn from my body.

Please, God, send her back to me. However mangled her face is, I will be happy to look upon it.

Though I knelt upon the rug, when Hathach came to introduce himself to me, he managed to bow so deeply that his head was lower than mine. I could hardly bear to look at the eunuch who was going to be a constant reminder of the limits to my power.

“Your Majesty, shall I present the Immortals of your new guard?” he asked.

“No.” I stood up and faced him. Or I would have had he stood to his full height. I could not clearly see his face. Ruddy patches on his otherwise fair cheeks caused me to wonder if he drank more than a man that small should. Over his stooped frame I could see that Erez had not left me in order to resume his post outside my chambers. He had recovered his composure and was waiting for his next order. I took my gaze from him.

“Have this rug removed, Hathach, and arrange for another.”

“Shall I have several brought for you to choose from, Your Highness?”

“No.” I was certain that no matter how many times I said “no” to this new eunuch it would never become any less satisfying. “I will have whichever is least likely to remind me of this one.”