Authors: Michelle Betham
‘Ryan… Things are just… they’re so complicated right now, you understand that, don’t you? And what’s to come… we both need to be ready to face Christ knows what once news of this baby gets out and… and I need you, all right? We’re going to need each other.’
‘I want to be there for you every step of the way, Amber.’ He looked up at her, those beautiful dark blue eyes staring deep into hers. ‘I meant what I said the other night, about wanting you in my life – permanently. I know I don’t deserve any second chances…’ He noticed the look she gave him, and he smiled slightly. ‘Okay. Third, fourth, whatever. I don’t deserve another opportunity to show you how much I regret throwing away what we had before. I know I don’t deserve that. But ever since the day I lost you I’ve wanted you back. I’ve wanted that life we could have had…’
‘Ryan, baby, it was never going to happen. The circumstances, the fact Jim was back… that life you think we could have had, it was never going to happen.’
‘But it could – now.’ His eyes were still fixed on her, boring right into her, sending a small shiver running up and down her spine. ‘Circumstances have changed, haven’t they?’
‘Jim’s still there, Ryan. He’s still in my life.’ Her voice was quiet, a slow realisation sinking in. ‘He’s still in my life.’ And, if she was completely honest with herself, that’s where she wanted him to stay.
‘He doesn’t want you anymore, Amber. Please, babe, you have to start realising that.’
She was. She
was
beginning to realise that, but it didn’t make any of it any easier to deal with. ‘None of that means I’ve stopped loving him, Ryan. I can’t just switch those feelings off, feelings I’ve carried with me for over twenty years… I can’t…’
He reached out and touched her cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb. ‘I know. I know you can’t. So you’ll understand when I tell you
I
can’t just switch off what I feel for you either. You’ll know what I’m going through, how fucked up my head is, how I can’t stop thinking about you, about how much I want you. And it was bad before, Amber. It was bad before I knew about the baby, but now it’s just got a hundred times worse because all those feelings have just intensified tenfold. Have you any idea how much what you’ve told me has affected me? How it’s changed the way I think, changed the way I want to live my life?’
Amber shook her head, pulling away from him, aware that he was now way too close to her in a very public place. Ronnie was right. She did need to be careful.
‘Not here, Ryan.’
He watched as she covered up with a short, thin, black kaftan, her eyes doing all they could to avoid his.
‘Come with me this afternoon.’
‘Come with you, where?’ Amber asked, slipping her sunglasses into her bag.
‘I’m doing a photo shoot for one of my sponsors, down on the beach in Adeje. Come with me.’
She looked at him. ‘You think that’s a good idea, do you? Given what we’ve just talked about?’
‘Max’ll be there. Come on, Amber. He’s
your
agent, too…’
‘I shouldn’t really be anywhere near you, Ryan.’
‘Jesus, Amber… Fuck all of that shit, okay? Just, fuck it! It’s all going to come out eventually, that we’re expecting a baby together…’
‘Except that, we’re not together, are we?’
The way she looked at him almost broke his heart. Her eyes had developed a sudden coldness; she was pushing him away. He could almost see those barriers flying right back up around her again.
‘He’ll keep on doing this to you, Amber. And if that’s the way you want to live your life then I can’t do a thing to stop you. But, like it or not, I’m a part of your life now, and I’m going to be there for a very long time. That baby in there connects us, it means I’ll never go away. Ever.’ He held her gaze, desperate for her to see the truth in his eyes. ‘Can you say the same about Jim?’
‘Maybe he’s right,’ Amber said, kicking her heels against the low wall she was sitting on as she watched Ryan get ready for his photo shoot down on Costa Adeje’s white-sand beach, one of the few amongst the more familiar black sand that was more common on the island. A group of tourists and assorted passers-by had gathered to see what all the fuss was about, and Amber hoped she’d disguised herself well enough so that nobody would recognise her in oversized dark glasses and a huge sun hat. She figured she’d be safe. She wasn’t
that
well-known. She just wasn’t in the mood for small talk that was all.
‘Maybe he’s right about what?’ Ronnie asked, taking a sip from the bottle of beer he was holding.
‘About us. Me and him.’
Ronnie looked at her. ‘What do you mean? Oh, hang on. Come on, Amber. Don’t rush into something just because you
think
it’s the right thing to do.’
‘Well, maybe it is. I mean, I loved him once, didn’t I? And there’s still something there. Still something that… that makes me want him. I wouldn’t have slept with him the other day if…’ She stopped talking, looking down at her naked left hand, now devoid of the wedding ring she’d, so far, declined to put back on. What was the point? The marriage was over. And every second it sunk in that little bit more, it hurt like a fresh dagger to her heart.
‘You had
sex
with him? Here? Jesus, Amber…’ Ronnie closed his eyes, letting out a loud sigh. He couldn’t even begin to describe the frustration he was feeling now. ‘Before or after you told him about the baby?’
‘After,’ Amber whispered, looking back up at Ryan. He’d finally noticed her, the smile on his face widening the second their eyes met.
‘You really know how to complicate a situation, don’t you, kiddo?’
‘Yeah, ’cause it wasn’t complicated enough already.’ Amber continued to watch Ryan as he talked to one of the models who was taking part in the shoot with him, a beautiful blonde girl who couldn’t have been more than twenty-five. The kind of girl Ryan usually went for. The kind of girl that scared Amber when they were that close to a man she – what? A man she still had feelings for? Well, she knew that already. She’d just told Ronnie that, hadn’t she? A man she still loved? She felt a shiver run all the way through her body as he turned to look at her again, that smile back on his handsome face, and all she wanted to do was run.
‘I shouldn’t have come here,’ she said quietly, looking down at the sand.
‘Well, I told you it wasn’t a good idea.’ Ronnie sighed again, reaching out to take her hand, squeezing it gently.
She looked at him, smiling slightly. ‘Don’t start with the lectures.’
‘I’ll keep my mouth shut, I promise.’ He smiled, too, squeezing her hand again. ‘Doesn’t mean to say I can’t think these things, though.’
‘Everything okay?’
Amber looked up to see Max standing in front of her, as suave and sophisticated as ever, looking cool and relaxed – even in 85 degree heat – in light chinos, a white linen shirt and dark, undoubtedly very expensive, glasses pushed up onto his head.
‘Everything’s fine,’ Amber replied, still clinging onto Ronnie’s hand.
‘Ryan said you might be passing by.’
‘I told him I wasn’t coming, actually,’ Amber corrected, taking another furtive look in Ryan’s direction. He was doing what Ryan Fisher did best – flirting outrageously with the two female models he was working with – and that’s what sent the warning signals racing to Amber’s brain. It really did seem as though he’d changed after everything that had happened, but had he? Really? Deep down inside?
‘I told her being seen with Ryan wasn’t the best idea right now,’ Ronnie said, taking one last swig of beer, ‘… given the circumstances.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ Max sighed, leaning back against the wall beside Amber, his hands in his pockets. ‘I’ve got it all under control. We’ll keep everything under wraps until it needs to come out. Until those that need to know first have been told.’
Amber said nothing. She just stared down at her naked left hand again.
‘I’ll go get us some more drinks.’ Ronnie smiled, squeezing Amber’s other hand one last time before sliding down from the wall and making his way over to the bar a few yards away.
‘You sure you’re okay?’ Max asked, his tone now less business-like.
Amber nodded, raising a small smile. ‘Yeah. It’s strange, you know? Even my morning sickness has disappeared since I arrived here.’
‘And you and Striker over there … He seems quite relaxed about this whole situation.’
‘That’s because he’s only looking at the rose-tinted version. Over here, away from all the reality, the complications don’t seem so real. Not in
his
head, anyway.’
‘And in yours?’
Amber shrugged, still staring down at her left hand. ‘I’ve got to tell Jim, haven’t I? I’ve got to put that final nail in the coffin of my short-lived marriage. Because he isn’t going to want to take me back after he hears this, is he?’
‘So I’m assuming that if he asked you to come back to him, you’d go?’
She looked up at her agent. ‘In a heartbeat.’
Max looked down at his feet, kicking away at the sand. ‘Amber…’
‘But that isn’t going to happen, I know that. I know that, Max. But when I close my eyes at night it doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it. It doesn’t stop me from wanting him, or loving him so much I don’t know how I get through most days without him.’
‘You got through almost sixteen years, kiddo.’
‘Because I had to. Back then, I had to. But now he’s here, right there in front of me, and it isn’t going to get any easier, is it? Now that I’m having his star striker’s baby. Jesus, it couldn’t
get
any messier!’
‘What’s Ryan think about all this?’ Max really didn’t want to upset her any further, but he needed to know what was going on, so he could deal with it all.
‘He wants us to be together,’ Amber replied, wringing her hands, and then stopping herself from doing it by gripping the wall either side of her. ‘He wants us to be a family – me, him and the baby.’
‘And you don’t want that?’
She looked at him again. ‘No… I don’t know. Shit, Max, I really don’t know what to do.’
‘Do you still have feelings for him? For Ryan?’
She looked over at her ex-fiancé. He was being photographed now, his arm firmly around the waist of one of the models, her bikini-clad body pressed against his half-naked one as he stared into her eyes, and Amber felt something in the pit of her stomach she couldn’t explain. He was so young, so handsome, but was that enough? She’d been there before, and she’d been badly burned. There was a baby to think about now, and she needed more than just a young, hot footballer with an oversized ego. She needed someone she could rely on.
‘He was a distraction from Jim, Max. I mean, I loved him, I did. I really did. At times. When he wasn’t pissing me off or making me hate him. There was a time when I loved him so much. But never as much as I loved Jim. Never in the same way. I’m not sure I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Jim, so he was a distraction. And that wasn’t entirely fair on him.’
‘Do you still have feelings for him, Amber?’
‘I don’t want to do that to him again, Max. I don’t want him to be nothing but a distraction from Jim, because I know that’s all he could be. Right now, I can’t promise him anything more than that.’
‘You’re still not answering my question, kiddo.’
She looked at Max, her fingers gripping the wall tightly. ‘Yeah. I’ve still got feelings for him. I don’t think I ever stopped caring about him. We went through too much together for me to push it all aside like it never happened. But I don’t know if I love him. I don’t know if I can.’
‘He’s grown up a lot, you know? Since all that shit happened.’
‘I know.’
‘And this baby – well, I know it isn’t exactly an ideal situation, and the crap it’s going to cause is something we really need to control, but I think it’ll be the making of that kid. He needs something like this, something to shock him into the real world and realise that life isn’t one long party.’
‘I’m glad it’ll help with his therapy,’ Amber said, her voice tinged with more than a hint of sarcasm.
‘I didn’t mean it like that, Amber.’
‘I know,’ she sighed, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I know. I’m just extra sensitive right now, I’m sorry.’
‘Hormones?’
She looked at Max, returning his smile. ‘You really want to go down that road?’
Max sat down on the wall next to her. ‘Listen, sweetheart. I know this is a really tough time for you right now, and I’ll help you to get through it – I’ll help you both get through it the best I can, I mean that. That’s what I’m here for. Okay? So I don’t want you to worry about the press or the media or…’
‘That’s easy for you to say.’
‘Trust me, all right? I just want you to know that, whatever happens, people are there for you. And Ryan – just give him a chance to prove himself. I’m sure he’ll make a great dad.’
‘You think?’ she asked, unable to stop another small smile escaping.
Max smiled, too, quickly squeezing her knee. ‘This is what you wanted, Amber. This baby.’
‘I wanted Jim’s baby,’ she whispered, suddenly realising that that statement was now making her sound like some selfish, spoilt kid who’d been given something beautiful and precious, but she was ungrateful because it wasn’t
exactly
what she’d wanted. It was just as special, just as welcomed, it just wasn’t that thing – that one, perfect thing she’d dreamed of. And she had to get over that. She’d been given a chance she’d never thought she was going to get, and she should be so grateful for that. Even if it wasn’t working out quite the way she’d wanted it to. ‘But…’ She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, ‘… I wanted a baby. And now that it’s finally happened I’ve got to put this little one first, because it’s a miracle I didn’t think I’d ever see. And I know how lucky I am to have been given this chance.’
Max smiled, taking her hand and squeezing it tight. ‘I’d better go see how he’s doing. You gonna be okay?’
‘Yeah. Ronnie’ll be back in a sec… Max? Thank you. For being here. For being so understanding and… and for doing whatever it is you’re going to do to get us through all of this. I really am grateful to have you on my side.’