“Sure, I can get Deb to go.”
“I think you should go in case he has other questions. Stop on your way home. Thanks, Leah.”
Great. He’s going to think I want to see him. I couldn’t say anything to David now
, though. I had left it too late. Oh god, I hadn’t even thought of what would happen if we actually won the pitch. I’d have to see him all the time!
I finished what I was doing, logged off my compute
r, grabbed another copy of the presentation, and headed out the door. I would just leave it at reception and run like the wind.
“Hi
. Is that the additional copy of the presentation?” The bubbly receptionist smiled at me.
“Yes, can I leave it with you?”
“Actually, Mr. Armitage has a couple of questions for you. I’ll see you to his office.”
I wasn’t
sure how this day could get much worse.
The receptionist put her head into an office
. “Daniel, I have Leah from Wilkins & Watkins for you.” She beamed at me. “Do go in, Leah.”
I
stepped just inside the door, my eyes fixed on the ground. I left it open. Hopefully this would be strictly professional.
Daniel got up and reached behind me to close the door. He was close enough for me to breathe in his masculine scent,
and my god, he smelled delicious. He held both my shoulders in his firm grip.
“Look at me
, Leah.” I couldn’t stop myself; I brought my eyes up to meet his. “I need to explain all this to you. I realize this afternoon could have felt like an ambush—“
“I need to go
,” I interrupted.
“Not before I’ve explained. Sit down, Leah.”
I didn’t argue—I couldn’t argue. His hands, still on my shoulders, guided me to one of the sofas and pushed me gently to sit down. He sat next to me, his body positioned toward me. I was hyper-aware of every inch of him and his proximity to me. I stared at his hands covering mine. His body heat was overwhelming. I wanted to melt into him, have his hands all over me.
I jumped to my feet. “It’s so hot in here. Don’t you have air conditioning?” I started grabbing at my jacket buttons and pushing my jacket from my body.
“Leah, it’s not hot in here. Sit down and look at me.” He reached his hand up to my arm and pulled me down toward him.
“Where’s your wedding ring?” Had I imagined it?
“I’ve taken it off.”
“So it wasn’t my imagination. I can’t believe you lied to me. Why? I was telling you no. You had no reason to lie.”
“I didn’t lie, Leah. I’m not married.”
“
So you just wear a ring for fun?” Sarcasm was a core skill of mine.
“No, I wear the ring because I don’t like people gossiping about me and my private life
. I’ve never discussed my divorce in the office. It just stops questions and speculation.” It sounded like bullshit. He smelled so good.
“I know it’s stupid. I’ve taken it off now. I won’t put it back on. I’m sorry
, but I didn’t lie to you.”
“I don’t believe you. I think you’re married
,” I hissed.
Daniel sighed and stood up abruptly and walked over to his desk and
dialed a number. It was on speaker; I could hear the ringing. How inappropriate for him to make a call! I stood up.
“Leah, please sit. I want you to hear this.”
“What is it, Daniel? I’m really busy,” the speakerphone squawked.
“George, you’re on speaker. Leah, Georgina is my ex-wife. George, how long have we been divorced
?”
“Well
, clearly not long enough if you still think you can interrupt my day to play bloody stupid games. What is this? What do you want?”
“George, look, I’ve still be wearing my wedding ring in the office to avoid awkward questions
, and I need to explain to Leah I’m no longer married.”
“No
, Daniel, you are no longer married. We’ve been divorced five years because you are an intimacy-avoiding workaholic. Take the ring off, you idiot, and stop being a coward. I’m hanging up.” The line went dead.
Daniel laughed affectionately. “So, that was my ex-wife.”
He came sat opposite me on the coffee table with his legs on either side of mine, his hands on my knees. “I’m sorry if I upset you, I would never want to do that,” he whispered. He rubbed his hands up and down my thighs. “Please, Leah. Tell me you know that.”
“I don’t know anything anymore
, Daniel. You wandered back into my life just a few weeks ago and I don’t know anything anymore.” My eyes watered; Daniel wiped away the tears with his thumbs.
“Leah, I’m so sorry. Tell me why you are crying. What can I do to make it better? Please talk to me, I need to know.”
I sighed, resigned to telling him anything he wanted to know. I seemed to lose all self-control around him. “A month ago, everything in my life was so neatly packaged and in its place, safe and contained. My work, my relationship … And now I feel like everything has been tipped out of its neatly packaged box and into the middle of the floor and you ...” I paused. My emotions were overtaking me, but I couldn’t stop. “You are standing over all of it. You are everywhere. In my thoughts when I’m at home, in meetings at work, even in my dreams.” Daniel started to pull me onto his lap.
“Daniel, no
. What if someone walks in?”
“No one would dare
. Anyway, the door is locked.” And he drew me onto his lap, onto his tight muscular thighs and against his body. This was not helping. One arm was around my waist and the other brought my head to his chest and pushed my hair from my face. His touch calmed me and my tears stopped, but I didn’t move.
“I know.”
“What do you mean you know?”
“I know what you are feeling.”
“You don’t know. How can you know? You don’t know me well enough to know how I feel.”
“It’s the same for me; that’s how I know. This is not what I expected, either, but it’s real.”
I didn’t answer him; there was nothing I could say.
He stroked
my back rhythmically for what felt like hours. I was cocooned by him and his delicious scent. I felt safe and warm and increasingly aroused. His hand moved down to the small of my back and I gasped—I was so sensitive to his hands. I turned my body toward him and trailed my hands up and down the contours of his chest.
He felt amazing. It was difficult not to imagine what he looked like without his shirt on. In response
, Daniel made a deep guttural sound deep in his throat and tilted his head back. Hearing him respond to my touch like that was so arousing; I felt a throb between my legs, and I moved my hands up over his shoulders to push off his jacket. He released me for a second and quickly resumed his stroking of my body, more urgently now, my back and my thighs over my skirt, and then trailing the skin just under the hem of my skirt, just grazing the lace of my stockings.
I
felt myself moisten; I was desperate for his fingers to reach higher up my stockings, up my thighs, and for a second I felt resentful at his power over my body.
My resentment didn’t last for long as I buried my face into his neck and breathed him in. He
ran his lips over my jaw and I pulled him closer to me. He trailed his tongue from my jaw to my neck. My breath quickened. I tried to stop myself, but couldn’t help but moan at the sensation of his tongue on my skin. He met my eyes, leaned his forehead on mine, and brought his hand from underneath my skirt as he slowed his hands over my body. Our lips were almost touching.
“I want you
, Leah. I want to kiss you.”
He didn’t wait for a response before crashing his lips to mine with such intensity that I inhaled sharply. He pulled back slightly and
ran his tongue across the inside of my top lip, tantalizing me until I couldn’t take any more. I pushed my tongue to meet his. He clasped my head in his hands and I couldn’t stop myself from making insistent moans into his mouth; it felt so urgent and so necessary.
I shifted my weight and
, without breaking our kiss, he took the opportunity to pick me up and lay me back on the sofa. He positioned himself above me, pushed his tongue deeper and deeper, and slid his hand up from my waist to my breast. I wanted him closer—I wrapped my legs around him. He responded by circling his hips. Through the layers of fabric between us, he was hard as stone. He clearly wanted me as much as I wanted him. He ground against me, pulled his lips from mine, and looked into my eyes.
“What do you do to me
, Leah?”
I reached my hands around his backside and I pulled him harder toward me. He tongue dived into my mouth again.
A shrill ringing from his desk and sharply reminded me of where we were. I pushed him away.
“Daniel, your phone.”
“Seriously, do you care?”
“Yes! You should get that, we should stop this. What are we doing?” I kept pushing
on his chest.
Daniel moved off me and slumped into the couch.
“Jesus, I feel like a teenager.” He started laughing.
“Are you going to get that?”
“No. There’s not enough blood left in my brain to allow me to take calls.” He laughed again.
“This is not funny
, Daniel.”
“No, you are right, this is anything but funny. This is
—you are—sexy, passionate, consuming, thrilling, and all I want. But no, it’s not funny.”
I couldn’t
respond. The outside world began to seep into my thoughts.
What time was it?
“I need to leave.”
“Stay.”
“It must be getting late
. I should get home.”
“I don’t want you going back to that wanker.”
“What? Charlie?”
“Yes, Charlie
. He’s an idiot, Leah. I don’t want you near him.”
I stood up and grabbed my jacket. “You don’t get to tell me who I go near. He’s my
fiancé
. He’s done nothing wrong. I’m the one who’s being an idiot—I’m betraying him.”
Daniel grabbed my arm.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t like the guy, and I want you to have what you deserve. And you deserve better than him.”
“And you are what
I deserve? How dare you! Let me go!” I stormed out of the office without waiting for a reply.
Talk about whiplash
. I had gone from not being able to resist this man to wanting to physically hurt him. What I had done to Charlie was bad enough without the man that I had done it with telling me he was an idiot.
I couldn’t get out of the building fast enough. I needed to get back to reality.
My handbag was vibrating as I stormed up the street. Work was probably trying to call me. I put my best telephone voice on, trying to keep a lid on my anger: “Hello, Leah speaking.”
“Leah, please come back. You
're ri—”
“
How did you get this number, Daniel? Are you a professional stalker? Leave. Me. Alone.” I hung up and turned my phone off.
As I got home, I braced myself for seeing Charlie
—my lovely, dependable Charlie. My lover for the last six years, the man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was so lucky to have him. I just needed to remember that and be more attentive to him. I hoped he hadn’t noticed how distracted I had been. But Charlie wasn’t home. I changed into my robe and ran a bath. I needed to wash Daniel’s scent off of me. I needed to rid myself of Daniel. I stretched out in the bath and tried not to remember all the parts of my body that had been touched by someone else.
“Hey, Leah, are you in there?” Charlie’s voice came through the door.
“Yes, come in—I’m just about to get out.”
“It’s
OK. I’ll pour us a glass of wine.”
Charlie sounded odd, subdued. So I climbed out of the bath, relieved I’d had the chance to cleanse myself of Daniel’s smell. Charlie was on the sofa with his head in his hands and two glasses of wine in front of him. I
sat next to him.
“Hey, are you
OK?” I gently stroked his arm.
“Well, not really
. I think we need to talk.” My vision blurred and I was suddenly nauseated. Oh my god, oh my god. He knows. Someone saw me. Oh my god.
“We’ve not seen much of each other recently and I feel like we are drifting
—”
“I’m so sorry
, Charlie. I know I have been distant.”
“No, it’s me
. I’ve had my mind on other things. Work and stuff. But I do love you, and I want us to be right again.”
“And I love you
. I feel like I’ve not been giving you enough attention.”
Tears
ran down Charlie’s cheeks—I’d never seen him cry before.
“Don’t ever blame yourself
, Leah. It’s not you. I’m a prick. I don’t deserve you.”
D
id he know about Daniel and me? Was he scared of losing me? Had he realized he’d been a bit insensitive about his parents’ reaction to our engagement? I couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. I reached my arms around his shoulders and brought his head to my chest.
“Hey, don’t say that
. We just need to make a bit more of an effort with each other sometimes. We’ve been together a long time and we are figuring out how to be together forever.”
“You are too lovely
, Leah. I really don’t deserve you.”
I felt so ashamed. If only he knew. I really didn’t deserve
him
. I may not have had sex with another man, but I couldn’t fool myself: I had been fooling around behind Charlie’s back. I was also having serious doubts about our relationship and hadn’t discussed them with him like he deserved. Maybe I should tell him that I had doubts, tell him I caught up with an old school friend. Clear the air properly.
Something about his reaction, his tears, made me think that maybe he wanted to say something
, too. If he knew about Daniel, surely he would say something. In any event, it wasn’t like Daniel and I had fully consummated our feelings for each other. We had come pretty close, but now that we were done, I had no intention of seeing him again. I would have to make some excuse to not work on the Palmerston deal if our pitch ended up winning. What would I say to David?
“Leah
?” Charlie pulled out of my arms.
“Yes?”
He didn’t respond.
“Charlie, what? Talk to me.” He rubbed his face with both hands and then pecked me on the cheek.
“Nothing, I love you. Let’s get in our jammies and order takeout and watch a comedy on TV.”
I giggled. “That sounds perfect.” I was relieved he didn’t want to have sex to reconnect. Not tonight.
***
As I opened my eyes the following morning
, I smiled. Last evening was lovely, making each other laugh and talking. Talking about the minutiae of work colleagues and deals we were working on. He told me how last week he found one of the trainees drunk in the office leaving offensive voicemails for all the partners. He arranged for them to be deleted and sent the guy home and covered for him. I told him how I was getting more involved with pitches and presentations for work.
For the first time in a long time
. I remembered why I loved him and why I said ‘yes’ when he asked me to marry him. Why I had waited and wanted for so long for him to ask me. I felt like a weight was lifted from me. I thought we would never get back here.
I turned over and reached out to him
, cupped his face. With his eyes closed, he pulled me toward him and pushed my nightdress up my body.
I was late for work.
I arrived at the office beaming. I felt fantastic. I was wearing my favorite work outfit—an electric-blue wrap dress that clung in all the right places and patent black platforms. The sun was out in full force, which always improved my mood, and London’s skyline was beautiful against its clear blue backdrop.
“What the hell happened to you?” Brendan barked as I logged on to my desk.
“What?”
“Oh my god
. You look like you just had sex with Ryan Gosling, which I presume you didn’t, so why are you so bloody happy?”
“Brendan, you are outrageous. I can categorically confess that I have not had sex with Ryan Gosling. I’m just in a good mood! Shoot me!”
“I may well do that unless you tone it down. You’re at work! Don’t make me feel worse about being stuck in the office on this beautiful day.”
I
swiped him ‘round the head and went to talk to Deb. I avoided turning on my phone and checking my Gmail. I hoped that Daniel hadn’t contacted me, but I was doubtful. And I wasn’t quite willing to break the spell of my good mood just yet—denial felt like the best option for now.
My
desk phone seemed to be ringing non-stop all morning, but I was juggling it all and still managed to make progress on the contract I was working on, so things felt good. The phone rang again and I answered absentmindedly, trying to proofread the email I had just typed at the same time.
“Hello, Leah speaking
.”
“So, you are still alive, that’s good to know.”
I was caught unprepared and didn’t know what to say. I was at work; I had to control my emotions in a way I hadn’t done in Daniel’s office yesterday. Like a deer in the headlights, I just froze.
“I need to explain
, Leah. Please meet me tonight. Let me take you to dinner.”
“No, I’m having dinner with my fiancé
.”
“
OK, I get it, Leah. But I need to explain. Over the phone with you in the office is not appropriate. Please, come to my office after work tonight before you go home?”
“What do you need to explain? There’s nothing to say. Nothing.” I leant into the phone, my voice a whisper
. I didn’t need the whole office gossiping about me.
“Leah, I completely understand you are upset with me and you never have to see me again after tonight. I promise I will never contact you again after today if you don’t want me to
. But you need to listen to my explanation. I have your best interests at heart, believe me. Just give me thirty minutes this evening.”
“I have no interest in your explanation
. There is no need for any explanation—but to stop you contacting me again you can have twenty minutes. I’ll be there at seven. After that, I never want to hear from you again. Agreed?”
“Agreed. I’ll see you then
, Leah.” Was I being a complete bitch? I put the phone down and grabbed my wallet and jacket. I needed some fresh air and a caffeine hit.
I didn’t understand what he needed to explain so badly. I didn’t really hold anything against him. He had been rude about Charlie, but that was fairly understandable in the circumstances. I had been leading him on and I hadn’t been fair on him. I owed
him
an apology, really. He wasn’t committed to someone else like I was. Well, at least I would have the opportunity to apologize, and hopefully we would be able to part amicably.
***
I was nervous entering the reception area at Gematria Enterprises, partly because I was worried what people in his office must think about me and why I would need so much of the CEO’s time. But also, I was fully aware of the effect Daniel’s physical presence had on me. I needed to be in control, to ignore my undeniable attraction to him. I was quickly shown to his office by the receptionist.
“He’s on the phone
, but he said for you to go in. He won’t be long.”
“Oh,
OK.” I looked at my watch. I had told him 20 minutes. It was just past 7. I took a deep breath and pushed open the heavy walnut door. Before I even saw Daniel at his desk I felt him—that thickness in the air was still there despite things being difficult between us.
He looked up from his desk and smiled. He was so incredibly handsome, there was no denying that
. His inky black hair looked a bit less sleek than usual, but no less sexy, and that masculine smell seemed to cling to every molecule in the room. His jacket hung on the back of the door and his shirt sleeves were rolled up, displaying his muscular arms.
I shouldn’t
have agreed to meet him like this. It was too dangerous. I should have suggested going for coffee, but I didn’t want to run into anyone I knew and have to explain myself. I grabbed one of the chairs at the conference table in the middle of the room to avoid the sofa. Good. We would have a desk between us.
“Look, I’ll leave it up to you
. I have another meeting now and I can’t spend any more time on this,” Daniel barked into the phone and hung up.
Daniel took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, creating more order in the inky blackness. He pushed himself away from his desk and stood. His body seemed to be taking up the
entire room; it was the only thing I could see. As he brought his eyes to meet mine, I looked at the floor.
“I’m sorry to keep you waiting
, Leah. Thank you for coming.”
Without waiting for me to respond he took some keys out of his pocket and crossed the room to unlock a cabinet. I watched in silence. He removed a large envelope and carefully locked the cabinet
, then came across to the conference table. He took a seat across from me, placed the envelope on the table, and laid both hands over the top of it. I was grateful for the distance.
“Leah, you were upset yesterday and I took advantage of you
, and I am sorry for that. I seem to lose control of myself around you. And I know that you were annoyed at me for what I said about your boyfriend.”
“My fiancé
,” I mumbled
“I know we have only been reacquainted recently
, but the depths of my feelings for you are something I’ve never experienced before—”
“Daniel
.”
“Please let me finish. What I want to say
, and am not saying very well, is that what I feel for you is so different from anything else I’ve ever felt in my life—I want to possess you, know every inch of you, body and soul. I need to have you permanently naked in my bed. This feeling makes me lose all control. But more than that, I have to have you safe, and I have to have you happy with someone you love and you deserve ...”
No man had been so open about his feelings about me
. In fact, I wasn't sure any man had ever
had
such feelings for me. It took every ounce of control to stop myself from going to him and cupping his face in my hands.
“
... and I understand, although I can’t bear it, that that person might not be me.”
So he had been listening to what I was saying.
“I want you to know that this is not about me having you, despite me wanting you.”
“What are you saying
, Daniel? I don’t understand.”
“I also understand that
, after I show you what I’m going to show you, you may hate me, and although I can’t bear that thought, I believe that leaving you ignorant would be worse for you. You are more important.”
“You
’re scaring me, Daniel. What are you saying?” My heart thumped in my chest.
Daniel took another deep breath. “You know I told you I did my due diligence on people that I have dinner with?”
“Err, yes, you go professional stalker on people. Where are you going with this, Daniel? Please, just tell me what you want to tell me.”
“Well
, my due diligence on you extended to Charlie.” He pushed the envelope in front of him toward me.
I jumped to my feet as if the envelope was on fire.
“What is it? What’s in there?”