Authors: Cat Phoenix
"I,
uh," I swallowed. "I like it here."
We
fell into silence again, but it was more comfortable. Or as comfortable as
possible with him around and knowing he didn't hate my guts.
I
climbed to my feet and said, "It's past my bedtime. I should get some
sleep."
"Yeah,"
he agreed.
He
followed me out and then we went down the stairs together. I felt much
sturdier in our truce, and figured that it wasn't so much a truce anymore as it
was the official ending of the reign of hostility between us. We reached the
intersection of hallway where my room was, and I kept walking toward it while
he split off in another direction.
"See
ya," I said casually.
He
jerked his chin up at me and I shut myself in my room. I knew it'd be a long
time before I wound down enough to fall asleep, so I took a long, warm shower
and then tumbled into bed.
Ross
kept on me but he did it in a less harsh way the next day during training. In
fact, he was using our breaks to actually try and hold conversation with me
instead of sucking back water and ignoring me like he usually did. It was
strange.
"You've
improved a lot these last few days," he commented from beside of me.
"Yeah."
I was distracted, because I was watching Brooks teach the others across the
room like I usually did on my breaks, only now my gaze flicked to Ethan and
back occasionally.
"Sometimes
you just have to stick with something until it clicks."
He
sounded just the barest bit smug, so I stopped watching Brooks and looked at
him, moving just my eyes to him. He was directing a smile at me that I knew he
thought was charming.
I
cocked a brow at him, unimpressed. "Yeah."
It's
not that I disliked him. It's just that I didn't
like
him. I was kind
of indifferent toward him. Except for when he pushed me too hard and one of us
lost our patience. There was a lot of angry muttering under my breath when
that happened around him.
"It
won't be too long until we'll join the others for their drills and scrimmage
matches."
I
moved my eyes back to Brooks. "Okay."
I
was purposely showing how disinterested in the conversation I was, but he didn't
seem to pick up on that. I think he was too focused on what he was saying to
notice how I was reacting. We went back to training, and he acted the same way
during the other break we took, too. I waved it away, assuming he was just in
a good mood and felt like spreading the joy. But my mind was on other things.
At
lunch, Ethan and I didn't glare at each other, but we didn't speak either. We
made eye contact a few times, but other than that, he didn't make any move to
engage me in conversation. I really hoped last night wasn't a fluke, and that
we were going to maybe try to be friends. Before coming here, I wasn't used to
living with constant conflict and frankly, I was sick of it.
Afterward,
Brooks and I went to the weapons room and picked up the knives again. He
instructed me as I started at the seven foot mark in the beginning and threw
them with a mixture of enthusiasm and determination. He showed me different
knives and how to grip them and stayed with me until I got six knives to stick
in the wood without any falling to the floor. Then we started over at the
fifteen foot mark. It took longer to get the hang of, but when I stuck six in
a row, we called it a day and went our separate ways.
I
walked back to my room and drew myself a warm bath. I soaked for a bit and
when I almost fell asleep, I got out and dressed. I slipped on my jeans and a
t-shirt and thought about going out to find the others and socialize, but I
ended up collapsing onto my bed and falling asleep. I woke to a darkened room
and a repetitive banging noise. My eyes snapped open and I knifed up in bed
when the banging stopped and I heard my door open.
My
hair flew around my face in tangles, and I cleared it away to see Ollie filling
my doorframe. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and heard him say, "You
missed supper."
I
focused on him again and exhaled, "What?"
Ollie
stepped inside and sat on the edge of my bed by my hip.
"We
had pizza with all the toppings, and you missed it to take a nap?" Ollie
asked in disbelief.
"I
--"
"Anyway,"
Ollie interrupted, standing up again and offering me a hand. "I came to
get you because we're about to watch a movie."
I
swung my feet around and to the floor. Gwen's pizza was the shit. "You
at least saved me a slice of pizza, right?"
Ollie
chuckled and gave me a look that said,
You don't really believe that, do
you?
"Right,"
I said. "I'll make a sandwich."
I
ran my fingers through my hair and walked down the hall with Ollie, our bare
feet slapping mutely against the hardwood floor. Ethan emerged from the corner
of the hallway perpendicular to ours and made it to the stairs first. Ollie
clocked Ethan and shifted subtly closer to me because even though he didn't
understand why, he knew that Ethan made me uneasy. I felt affection for Ollie
swell in my chest that took me completely off guard. I always got along with
Ollie the easiest and really cared about him, but knowing he reciprocated my
sentiment and thought to comfort me was unsettling in a really, really good
way. I had an urge to both laugh and cry, and I couldn't ignore it like I
usually did.
And
just like that, I had a revelation. Similar to when I realized that I wasn't
spending very much time with the others, I realized now how completely hands
off I was. I might have teased or shoved them playfully, but when it came to
openly showing them affection, I didn't really do it. I had barely any
experience feeling it at all, so of course I didn't know how to express it
properly.
But
then I realized that I stamped down natural urges to reach out to them on more
than one occasion these past few weeks. Like when Ollie was the only one to
help me clean up supper a few days before, I only just stopped myself from
giving him a kiss on his cheek. It took me so off guard that I opted out of
hanging out with him and hid in my room to read instead. And when Spencer
persevered through his math and finally understood a problem that was giving
him a lot of trouble, I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and jump up and
down in celebration, but instead I gave him an awkward high five. And August,
I pretty much always wanted to coddle because she was just so cute.
I
watched Ollie's profile as we walked and marveled at how he and the others got
under my skin when I remained so closed off. I spent all these years alone,
more or less, and didn't think I needed anyone, but I also protected myself
proactively against others in case they didn't need me back. I kept people at
a distance, I knew that. But what I realized now was that it wasn't that I
needed people, it's that I needed
these
people. So it was time. Time
to drop my shields and let them in. As much body language as I read into, I
knew that it mattered how I handled mine around them, so I made a decision
right then to stop keeping such a tight control over mine.
Slightly
nervous at the chance I was about to take but not letting it show, I avoided
looking directly at him, casually slung my arm around his shoulders and kept
walking like nothing had changed. His head whipped toward mine, but I
resolutely ignored him and started up the stairs with him by my side. He
looked back to the stairs, but I saw a small smile play on his lips and knew I
made the right decision.
Yeah.
It was time.
When
we arrived in the living room, the others were ready and waiting. I still had
my arm around Ollie, and since I was much more comfortable with physical
contact when it was causing bodily harm, without notice I shoved him onto
Spencer, who was lying flat out on a couch. Ollie fell onto him with his head
hitting Spencer's chest and his legs flailing around. I brought my elbow down
onto Ollie's stomach just hard enough to make him grunt and they both made
noises of shock and distress. I laughed all the way to the kitchen.
I
spread mustard out on a piece of bread and arranged the ham on it
strategically, and all the while I literally could not wipe the grin from my
face.
Damn,
what a difference a nap and a life changing revelation can make.
When
I returned to the living room, Ollie and Spencer had, no doubt, bribed the
others to take up all the space, so there were no available seats. I leveled a
look at Spencer, knowing it was probably his idea, and walked over to him. I
lifted his feet against his protests and sat down, placing his feet in my lap.
I
put a pillow over his feet and my plate on the pillow and muttered,
"You're such a punk."
Spencer
smiled unapologetically and pressed play on the movie. Ross was in the
recliner on the other side of me, muttering things out loud every now and then.
The first few times, I thought he was speaking to me but he wasn't talking to
anyone in particular. I couldn't tell if he was making observations or asking
questions because he didn't understand what was happening, but whatever the
hell he was saying, he was muttering it just loud enough for me to hear it but
not clear enough to understand it. He had been around to watch movies with us
before but I guess I never noticed his muttering because I usually sat on the
other side of the room.
It
was as annoying as it was distracting. I kept squinting my eyes at him in an
effort to hear him better (I don't know why I thought that would help) to no
avail. About halfway through the movie, I was resigned to listen to his, what
I could now tell was, questions. Questions that the audience naturally asks,
but usually
inside their head.
I glanced around at the others to see if
they noticed, and found Ethan staring at Ross, wearing his moody face. His
eyes flicked to mine and without thinking, I made a face that asked,
What's
his problem?
He smirked and shrugged his shoulders in a
Who the hell
knows
kind of way.
The
next time he muttered, Ethan said, "Ross dude, are you on the phone?"
I
very nearly burst into laughter.
"What?
No. What?" Ross asked, clearly confused.
"You're
muttering," Ethan said quietly. "A lot. I thought you might be
talking to someone."
Unable
to keep it entirely repressed, I had to cough to keep from laughing.
Ethan's
face remained blank but his eyes were laughing as he bounced them to mine and
back to Ross again when Ross said, "You can hear me?" He looked at
me and I nodded. "Sorry," he freaking
muttered
.
Ross
didn't say anything else for the rest of the movie.
Later
that evening, Ethan coached me on my kicks for nearly the entire hour. Since
I'd had a nap earlier in the day, I appreciated the exercise to help tire me
out, but I was still pumped after we finished. I also wanted to maybe talk to
him again, so I leaned against the wall of mirrors and took my time unwrapping
my hands and sipping on water. I watched him wipe the towel over his face and
then he focused on me. Neither of us said anything, and I practically saw the
wheels turning in his head before he walked slowly toward me and leaned against
the mirror only a few feet from me. He was usually so far away, and at his
deliberate closeness I felt my belly flutter as we both slid down the wall to
sit on the ground.
"Thanks
for saying something to Ross earlier," I said, cracking a smile.
"That was a little ridiculous."
"I
hate sitting near him when we watch movies for that reason. I knew as soon as
you sat down that it would bug you," he said.
I
glanced at him and said, "And you didn't warn me? What kind of a friend
are you?"
I
realized what I said too late, and we stared at each other for a moment of
slightly awkward silence before looking away at the same time.
Ignoring
the huge ass elephant in the room, he spoke again. "Murphy though, he's
quiet as a mouse watching a movie. You can almost hear him thinking, but he
never says a word. He's cool."
"Yeah,
I liked him almost the instant I met him."
Something
flashed in his eyes but he hid it before I could identify it. He asked about
my professors in college and I told him about the classes I took and why I
enjoyed some and hated the boring ones.
"If
you could go back to college and graduate, would you?" he asked.
"You
know, I honestly don't know. Especially since I'm here now. I could get a degree
and move away to be an accountant or something, but that doesn't feel right.
And even though they drilled it into our heads in high school, college isn't
mandatory. Right after I dropped out, I kept getting this feeling that's very
similar to the feeling you get when you forget something but you don't know
what. Kind of like I wasn't where I was supposed to be. But then, I've kinda
always felt that in the back of my mind, so . . . Eventually though, I got a
job working at the shop, and it never felt
right
but it didn't feel
wrong, either."
He
nodded with quiet understanding and then suddenly piped up optimistically,
"Who says college would guarantee you a job, anyway?"
"Yeah.
It's supposed to get you a better life, but honestly, the way I'm living right
now, it's not money I need."
"What
do you need?"
I
took in his curious expression and shook my head slowly. "I don't
know."
He
didn't press it, and I didn't elaborate. We both looked back toward the door
and he said quietly, "You'll know it when you find it."
*****
Sunday
morning, I slept until twelve, which wasn't something I normally did. The
latest I usually slept was ten, but I stayed up super late reading the night
before. I showered and dressed in jeans, happy to have skipped training that
morning.