Finding Faith (18 page)

“She didn’t like that. I got clocked in the face, and while I had a hand to my nose to stop the bleeding she punched me the stomach.”

A taste of the bitter blood that seeped into my mouth during the beating ghosted back into my mouth, making me lick at my lips to get it to disappear.

“Wait!” John stopped dead, shooting a deadly stare in my direction. “So when you met me at the field that night your face was like that because of her, not a soccer game!” He raked his hand harder through his hair at the realization.

The pacing started up faster as if the speed controlled his anger. The angrier he got the faster he stalked. Once his gait got back to a normal he finally spoke.

“Oh my God, Faith, I don’t even know what to say.” He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me. His mouth hung open in disbelief, his eyes were the size of silver dollars, so penetrating they made me feel I was a rare bug under a microscope.

“Nothing. You don’t have to say anything.” I didn’t want him to see me as one of his patients that he had to baby and take care of. “That wasn’t the thing that made me want to leave if you can believe it. I was able to handle all the abuse. It was what she said to me while I was curled up in the corner of our bathroom trying to get my nose to stop bleeding.”

I was back in the bathroom, curled up against the corner of the tub, blood smeared all across my face.

His eyes got smaller, sharper, like that would help him hear the words better.

“She told me that if I didn’t leave she would start beating Joy and Hope worse than what she did to me. I refused to live with that guilt. I couldn’t stay and watch her abuse them knowing it was my fault. I had to leave or they would be next.”

A lot of good that ended up doing, I thought.

“You believed someone with a drug problem?” John’s face was dumbstruck.

“Deep down, I didn’t, but the hope she was telling me the truth won out. Don’t think I haven’t lived with the tortured feelings everyday for what I did.”

“What was the reason you gave them for leaving?”

“I was relatively vague. I only told them I couldn’t live with her because we didn’t get along.”

“The same shit lie you told me. Don’t you think you should have told them? Maybe not Hope because she was younger, but what about Joy? Don’t you think she deserved to know? Then you wouldn’t have been alone.”

Now I wish I had done that, but I wasn’t going to admit that to him. I hadn’t even admitted it to the sister I no longer spoke to when she came out to confront me the very last time I set eyes on her. What is the saying? Hind sight is twenty-twenty? I had to learn the hard way.

“That’s why they didn’t move here with you, isn’t it? They found out the real reason.”

He went back to the refrigerator and got another beer. “Want a beer? I think you should have one, or a shot of tequila?”

“Sure.” I was drained and I didn’t want to think about anything even if it was as simple as having a beer or not. I certainly wasn’t going to get into my sisters with him tonight. I was both physically and emotionally drained. I wasn’t even sure I could pull my body off the couch but I had to. I had that meeting tomorrow.

I sat up. When I felt ready I pushed off the couch, only to land back on the soft buttery leather that was calling my name like a brick to a mattress.

“Spend the night. I won’t try anything. I told you that was my version of a handshake. It won’t happen again until you really want it to.” He was attempting a joke to break the heaviness that hung in the air.

“You keep using that analogy. Do you give everyone handshakes like that? I bet George wouldn’t like it very much,” I grinned at the thought of what the sergeant would do.

“No, but I bet Luke would with you,” John teased, but I could see the uneasiness he felt in thinking of Luke with me.

“Ugh, that guy creeps me out,” I shivered thinking about him. That got a laugh out of John, replacing the rest of the caustic thoughts in the air.

“For the record, you’re the only girl I give that kind of handshake to, and I have to say I’m a little hurt you don’t remember why I say that.”

His laugh was a husky chuckle down in his chest. God, he was setting my blood to boil without even trying.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m supposed to remember a conversation about handshakes? Am I missing something?”

John handed me a shot, which I downed with a single flip of my neck without a second thought, followed by a beer chaser to top it off. The burn of the hard liquor was exactly what I needed.

“Don’t you remember the conversation we had the night you left, after we made love? I wanted you to stay because I didn’t get to say hi to you. Then you told me if that was how I said hi you would hate to see my good-bye. I told you it was more like a handshake. Until four days ago I always wished I had been able to show you the way I would’ve said good-bye.”

His eyes were serious. I could tell he was waiting for the conversation to click in my head.

Once he started telling me I did remember, but I chose to ignore it. I must have blocked it out. Instead of admitting I remembered I said, “I can’t stay. I really have to get home I have a meeting with the hospital administration tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“That’s a story for another day, preferably in another seven years. I can’t handle these kinds of talks with you, they’re too draining. It will take me that long to build up enough energy to tell you.”

There was no way I could handle baring the truth about Brad to him tonight. The text popped into my head and I could feel bile rising again. I swallowed a few times to chase the feeling away. John was going to have to be satisfied with what I gave him.

“So, now, do you see how it had nothing to do with you?” I asked quietly.

John came back to the couch and flopped down next to me, our shoulders touching as he relaxed back.

“I just don’t get why you had to abandon me. I would have come out here with you. I would have left everything back home for you.”

The sparkle in his eyes was gone. All I could see was the confusion and sorrow I’d caused him before ducking his head to the floor.

I turned onto my side to face him, bending a leg in front of myself. It inadvertently rubbed against his thigh in the process, sending tiny shocks through my body.

I wanted to feel the light shadow that had formed on his cheek from the day. First, I decided to stroke out the crease in his forehead. When he worried the creases that formed were so deep, just like his feelings. My sensitive knight, always wanting to protect me.
I made my way down to my initial goal, stroking the scruff as I turned his head to meet my eyes.

John slid down on the couch resting his head on my lap, staring up at me with soft green pools. My hand instinctively went to his hair. His eyes fluttered closed at the first touch.

“I had to make a clean break. I figured you’d find your true love,” I whispered.

As I delicately ran my nails against his scalp, I spoke again. “I also didn’t want to separate you from your family.”

John sat up, leaving my hand void of soft comfort.

“Yeah, well you see how that turned out,” he said sharply. “At least I wouldn’t have been alone while I had to deal with that loss. Were you that blind? Faith, you’re that woman. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Not even a remote chance of it.”

“I know you cared for me and you loved me, but I thought you’d get over me. You never told me all this.”

I tugged on his sleeve wishing him back where he had been but he refused.

His eyes were dark again, showing off more of the brown. His deep voice was raw when he spoke again. “It was a big deal, a very big deal.”

He didn’t reach for me like I wished he would, leaving me with such a loss I wanted to scream. He only sat there, eyeing me.

His gaze was too intense, going back and forth from my eyes to my mouth, causing me to squirm. The wetness that was forming between my legs was out of control.

He licked his lips as he stared at my mouth making me want to do that for him. I had to turn away before I did something I would regret.

The smell of coffee floated in the air, greeting me from a much-needed sleep. It had been months since I slept that peaceful, and considering what I had to face today and where I was, I felt completely relaxed.

I tucked the down comforter under my chin as I rolled from side to side enjoying the silky feel of the sheets. Like a little kid, I buried my face into the pillow, taking in the musky scent of the hot man who usually occupied this space, letting out a content moan. I could lie all day in his bed smelling his pillow. It would be better with him in it, but I would take what I could get. I wonder if people would think I was a freak walking around with a pillow shoved up my nose.

What the hell was my problem? I wake up and he’s the first thing on my mind. Get over it, Faith, he can only be your friend, and even that was more than you should allow. But it was kind of hard to not think of him when I was surrounded.

I heard John padding around out in the kitchen like this was any other day for him, his deep voice singing along to “Wanted” by Hunter Hayes. My breath hitched as I listened to him sing those words, wondering if that’s how he felt about me, praying he did.

No, forget it, Faith. My heart jumped with each footstep he took, silently beckoning him to check on me.

I wonder how many women slept in his bed. Curious, I rolled over to the empty side, sniffing to see if I got anything remotely female. All I was welcomed with was more of John. He’s a bed hog, good to know. I could definitely work with that. If I were interested, that is, which I wasn’t.

He stuck to his promise about not making a move on me but not before giving me a long, hard look. Those hypnotic eyes saw me naked even when fully dressed, charming me like I was a cobra to do what he wanted. When I leaned toward him to give in to my urge, he shot up, leaving me bereft. He had sauntered into another room without a single word, reappearing with the T-shirt I was now draped in.

Since he drove and I was exhausted, I didn’t argue about spending the night. He refused to let me sleep anywhere else besides his bed - alone. Even though I offered to share his bed as long as he didn’t try to give me any more handshakes, he refused.

Then I argued that I wanted to sleep on the couch because it makes me feel like I’m sinking into marshmallow fluff. That only earned me an eye roll and a comment about how nobody wants to sleep on a couch. If I was getting sticky there would only be one reason and he had already agreed to no handshakes.

A giddy surge welled up in my gut, making me pull up the collar of the shirt to my nose. I could smell him on that, too.

The smell slowed my heart and made me dizzy. When the room stopped spinning I got my bearings, pulled my hair up into a pony, used the toothbrush he gave me and headed out to the face him.

The walk I had to take down the hall to get to John helped me build up courage. In the kitchen I could hear dishes banging together and something getting mixed. The closer I got the louder it became. My stomach growled, wanting what I was hearing more than what I was thinking about.

At the end of the hall I came face to face with the sexiest thing I’d ever seen - John in red plaid flannel pajama bottoms and nothing else. They hung off his waist showing off the delicious V.

The vision of him at the stove was déjà vu of years past when he would come over. He was cooking an omelet. The smells of ham and cheese made my stomach grumble. It always turned me on to watch him cook and he knew it. I never let a time go by when I hadn’t told him or showed him how hot it made me. I wonder if he remembered.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of his chest. The muscles tensed and relaxed with the slightest movements, causing his abs to ripple like tidal waves. Drool started to form in my mouth.

The forearms he had been flexing when I ran away last night showed every sinew as he moved the pan on the burner. The strong calloused fingers that gripped the skillet like it never had a chance got me just as worked up as his chest did. A girl could get used to this every morning. I had to swallow again. The drool was coming faster as I grazed over every inch of him.

Even though nothing happened between us, I felt embarrassed. I stood in silence watching him, pretending to blend in with the wall behind me. After a few minutes of uninterrupted cooking, he looked up and saw me, flashing a boyish smile before checking on the eggs.