Finding Faith (5 page)

I thanked divine intervention for the cab that was idling outside of the bar after my narrow escape.
After spending the night receiving harassing texts from Brad, John was the last person I expected - or wanted - to see.
Surrounded by quickly dissolving bubbles, I let out a sigh. As I settled into my tub, familiar hazel eyes bore into my brain.

I heard a knock at my door just as the knots in my neck were starting to loosen up.

“What the hell, can’t a girl relax for one second?” I yelled toward the hall as I dragged myself out of the water and slipped into a silky teal robe.

It dawned on me that Grace must have been concerned and had come to check on me. How stupid did I look running away like that? Talk about embarrassing.

“I’ll be back in a second, so don’t go disappearing on me guys,” I said to the remaining bubbles that were shining like millions of small rainbows from candles surrounding the tub.

The knocking on the door became more frequent and picked up speed. I scurried down the dark hallway, fumbling with the robe, trying to wrap it up as I went.

Once I reached the softly lit living room the knocking became a banging. Man, she must really be worried.

“I’m coming already, keep your panties on, geez.”

The embarrassment of my reaction at the bar quickly switched to irritation. I started to gear up to let Grace have it. It was her fault I ran into John. If it had been up to me I would have never gone to the bar. I was happy to have my stress-free date with the only two men who never let me down, Ben and Jerry.

Before opening the door, I took a deep, soothing breath, soaking up summer flowers that calmed me while focusing on a knot in the light oak wood floor, counting to ten.

I opened the door and was shocked at who was standing in the doorway.

"John!"

"It is you," he whispered as if he was looking at a ghost. "I can't believe it's really you after all this time."

I wrapped my robe tighter around my damp body and saw him slowly eye me up and down. I took an unconscious step back into the apartment, which he took for an invitation to come in because he stepped inside and closed the door.

"So, you've been here the whole time," he said more like a statement than a question.

I nodded, still stunned that the love of my former life was standing right here in my home, more gorgeous than I even remembered. I felt myself start to tingle again like in the bar and I was finding it hard to breathe.

"What the hell, Faith? What happened to you? Why did you just abandon me, your family, everything that we had?"

I could see his chest heaving, taking in deep breaths. I could tell he was trying to control his anger but he was finding it difficult. It was seven years of emotions bottled up, ready for the cork to pop. I was afraid he would explode. But that wasn’t how John was with me. For me, yes. He was always my knight fighting for my honor. It was always a turn on knowing he would defend me that vehemently.

But we weren’t us anymore, and hadn't been for a long time.

He hung his head in silence for a minute, taking deeper breaths. I didn’t dare speak, concerned that I wouldn’t hear the John I used to love.

John’s eyes shifted back and forth between hurt and anger, waiting for me to say something, anything to make all those years of pain mean something. With the grace of a big cat, he stalked toward me. I remember most things, but I don’t remember him being that secure with himself. My stomach did a nervous somersault as he approached.

Once he reached me he held my face between both of his hands, making sure I couldn’t move and growled, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been suffering without you?” He slid his thumbs hard back and forth along my cheeks.

That was a touch that told me he was pissed. If it was any other man touching me like that I would be scared that he would hurt me. But it was John, and I knew he couldn’t. The touch said pissed, but his eyes suddenly showed all the love that he never lost.

Even though the touch hurt, the words stung more. I didn’t want John to suffer because of me. Those were never my intentions. I turned my face to the ground, needing to break the connection. He had never been that passionate with me, or had he and never expressed it like this?

If he had shown me this side maybe things would have turned out differently.

He was letting his eyes speak for him, but I refused to do the same. If he saw what was in mine it would be harder to convince him to let me go.

With his guts spilling at my feet, I realized I had handled our relationship wrong. Joy had been right. He deserved more back then. When I left I thought I had done the right thing by not telling him the plan, thinking he would forget me and move on. By his reaction tonight, I see how wrong I had been.

None of that mattered now, nothing could make it right. I got burned too badly with Brad. I wouldn’t let that happen to me again. John didn’t need to get pulled into the fiasco. Even though it would all be cleared up soon, I wasn’t going to let him get involved in any of it. That was something I had to take care of by myself, and I couldn’t ask him to wait for the day I may be ready to date again and trust someone, which at this moment felt like never. That wouldn’t be fair to him.

When I built up my nerves enough to look back into his eyes, they made me wish I could try to work things out, but he deserved a woman who wouldn’t run from him. And I was a runner.

Those hazel eyes burned holes into me, sending shivers up my spine, demanding answers I couldn’t give.

What I wouldn’t do to go back for just the happy times. My eyebrows furrowed at how unfair it turned out. He was better off leaving and trying to forget we ever ran into each other. I had to make him see that.

“John, you deserve someone better than me. Someone who will appreciate you and that you can make a family with.”

“Faith, I deserve you. I want to do that with you,” he said with conviction.

I wavered for a split second, but quickly regained my composure, hoping he hadn’t noticed the doubt that flashed across my face.

“John, you need to go. Find someone who will love you. You deserve someone who will run to you, not away from you.”

I turned my face back to the ground as I spoke, finding the same oak knot from earlier, knowing the reaction that comment would induce. It was a stab to both of our hearts, but if that’s what it took to get John to move on, then that’s what I had to do.

“What are you saying, Faith? You never loved me?” His voice came out raspy and bitter.

“John, please just leave before I say something else to make you hate me even more than you already do,” I begged.

He bent down, putting his face so close I could feel his warm breath. “Faith, what are you talking about? I don’t hate you.”

I could see John was lost, it showed in his eyes. The wheels in his head were spinning. He didn’t know what to do next.

“Please, John, just leave.” I mustered up all the strength I had left in my body to fight him off.

His touch made me sizzle, and I knew I could easily give in to anything he asked for if I wasn’t careful. I took a step away from him as a precaution. His proximity was clouding my thoughts. The musky scent of his body was messing with my judgment.

I wasn’t as sure as I pretended to be. If he could see my insecurity, I was doomed. His eyes were glued to my face, looking for any sign of weakness that he could pounce on. I made my face void of any emotion and waited.

With narrowed eyes he watched me, only roaming down the entire length of my body once, but it was the most intense look I’ve ever had.

His eyes were burning up as he ran his tongue over his bottom lip, leaving behind a shine, telling me exactly what he was thinking, before he slid back up my body to meet my face again with eyes that wanted to eat me on the spot.

My body wanted to melt right into the grooves of my wood floor, but I refused to show him he had gotten to me. I caught his eyes float past my shoulder, but he would only get a view of my practically empty bookcase, before bringing then back to scan my face.

That was it. He had to go.

“Please leave, John,” I pleaded. “It’s best for both of us.”

I turned to open the door for him, but he reached out, grabbed my arm and pulled me roughly to him. One strong hand clutched the back of my hair and his lips met mine for a searing kiss that I wasn’t expecting. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew I should be fighting him off, but it had the opposite affect and I became mush.

The air in the room disappeared, getting sucked out at the same time I was getting sucked in. I was only being kept conscious by his breath passing my lips.

The only sense that was working was touch and I was drowning in it. His hard body pressed against mine, radiating heat, setting every nerve ending on edge.

John broke free from my lips trailing kisses along my jaw and down my neck. He stopped long enough to whisper, “I missed you so much, Faith. And I know you missed me. I don’t care what you say.”

He continued spreading more kisses across my collar bone slipping farther down to the opening of my robe, stopping at the swell of my breasts. He made sure there was no air floating between us grinding his hips against my stomach. That’s when I noticed what else was hard.

“John, don’t,” I said too weakly to be convincing.

His hand slid down the curve of my ass, finding the edge of my thigh length robe. It made its way back up, skimming my thigh and caressing me where I was dying for it most. He ran a finger between my crease, feeling the wetness he’d help create.

I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted me to remember what I gave up, and he was doing a fantastically torturous job of it.

The heat and musky smell that bombarded me combined to make a heady combination. He could have asked me for anything at this very moment and I’d agree.

He continued his torment down my slim body, making sure his stiff cock rubbed every burning inch of me as he went. With one hand at my nape, grasping me as if he was afraid I would run again, he whispered, “God, Faith, I can’t believe I found you.”

His hazel eyes stared up at me through hooded lids. I pressed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see how I’d hurt him, I only wanted to feel him. My head was reeling in a haze, but I needed to clear it. I needed to stop it.

“John, we need to stop. I can’t do...” Before I could finish, John’s lips were back on mine, sliding his tongue deep inside, taking my words away with each swipe he made.

I couldn’t fight him. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his neck. I should fight his seduction, but I didn’t want to because it felt too good. After tonight I couldn’t see him again, so I took what I could.

Without losing the connection our mouths had, he laid me out on the suede couch. The soft material against my skin made all his lingering touches more intense.

He followed, holding himself over me, resting his forearms next to my head, smoothing the splayed hair with the tips of his fingers.

He broke away from our kiss and stared into my eyes with a longing I had never seen before. I wanted to turn away, but he had my face pinned between his muscular forearms that were so close I could turn and lick the thick veins that ran up them. I squirmed from the wetness that formed as I thought about doing it.

I didn’t act on my dream, instead our eyes stayed locked on each other, saying everything we’d felt over the years of separation.

Unable to control the ache that was building up, I arched my breasts till they were rubbing against his shirt, hoping that would tame my need for him to be in me. I hadn’t wanted any other man as much as I wanted him right now. The previous rejection I attempted was quickly forgotten. I could only see him, nothing else existed.

My hands were still itching with the need to touch more of him. They wouldn’t be satisfied until they felt rock hard flesh. I slid my hands from around his neck and let them lay flat on his iron shoulders, squeezing, testing to see if he was real.

Satisfied that the man I had above me wasn’t a mirage, I let my hands lead down to his chest. The massive muscles clenched under my gentle touch, so solid and warm even through his shirt. I was on autopilot, all of my actions out of my control. Of their own volition, my hands floated down further, working over the ridges of his stomach. My subconscious took over doing what it wanted.

The intense itch that was making me want to scream started to subside, but the need lingered, not yet satisfied. Slowly, I rubbed back and forth on his rock hard stomach, enjoying the feel of them under my palms. While touching him, I felt like I was dying from heat and thirst. The ripples reminded me of the dips and rises of the Sahara.

He felt like a stranger, but one I definitely wanted to know better. Not someone I’d dated for five years.

The surge of need to feel closer overtook me. Leaning up, pressing my breasts to his rugged chest once more, I took his face between my hands, kissing those lips that had been over half my body. Hard urgency I had been able to hold back till now came pouring out, taking him off guard.

Somewhere in the cloud of desire that was swirling around us, I found the power to stop. Before he had a chance to reciprocate, I yanked myself away, not finished with my exploration of the god that hung above me. There was so much more I wanted to feel.