First Class to Portland (2 page)

“Yes, Ben can go and I’m sure he wants to, but that isn’t
the point. You know what I’m talking about.”

“I fucked up. She left. Not much more to it than that.” Matt
took the last gulp of his beer, finishing the bottle. He stood and walked to
the fridge and took out two more.

“I thought the best friend said that she only left cuz you
told her you weren’t interested in any relationship?”

Matt shrugged his shoulders again.

“Shit Matt. You’re an ass if you don’t call her and tell her
that you were an idiot,” Mark felt like he was talking to a wall. He’d had this
same one-sided conversation with Matt twice already in the past week. It was
getting old.

“If I need Dr. Phil I’ll give him a call.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing she left.” Mark grabbed his keys
off the counter and went upstairs to say goodbye to his mom.

*****

“It’s a bit low don’t you think?” asked Janie, who was
trying on summer dresses in Macy’s. Katy had given her a selection to start
with.

“No! You look great!” Katy grinned. “That color brings out
your eyes and looks nice against your skin.”

It was a pale apricot wrap dress. Janie hated to admit that
she really did like it. She spun around and watched the flutter of the skirt in
the mirror. It was what she would call a ‘flirty’ dress.

“Come on, Janie! You’re forty-two not eighty-two! Dress your
age. No more mommy jeans and sweaters with cats on it!”

Janie laughed, “I do NOT have cats on ANY of my sweaters, thank
you very much!” She tried on a few more things and was secretly thrilled Katy
had picked out some more
daring
pieces for her. If she was starting a
new life, a few new clothes couldn’t hurt. And Matt had liked her showing a
little skin.

“What?” Katy asked. “You’re frowning. What is it?”

Janie lowered her head and bit her bottom lip, willing
herself not to cry, again.

“Aw, Janie. It’s him. You’re thinking about Matt.”

Janie looked up at her friend, the saddest expression Katy
had seen in a long time.

“Call him then!”

“I can’t! No commitment! Just sex and then we move on,
remember?”

Katy shook her head. She was furious that Matt had not
pursued her friend. He had admitted to her on the phone that he loved Janie but
he hadn’t done anything about it in the ten days since Janie had been home. And
she couldn’t tell Janie that she called him. She would be furious. And Katy
certainly couldn’t tell her what he’d said. That would break her heart all over
again.

“More retail therapy, then.” Katy took Janie and her pile of
new clothes and headed to the nearest cash register.

By Monday morning, Janie was ready when the Goodwill
donation truck backed into her driveway. They loaded the great big pile of
boxes containing clothes, sporting equipment, household items, tools, and then
loaded some furniture. Janie decided if she was starting over, she was going
all the way.

After half an hour, the truck drove away and Janie felt like
a huge weight had been lifted. She felt considerably freer than she had when
she awoke that morning. With that project completed and now checked off her
list, Janie decided to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and headed off down the
street on foot. A nice walk would be good. She had come to appreciate a good
walk while in New York City.

As she passed familiar landmarks as she wandered around her
neighborhood, a state of melancholy washed over her. She would miss it here. It
had been her home for the last twenty years. Her boys had ridden their bikes
through these streets, they attended the schools here, and her husband was
buried here. But Janie knew that her life couldn’t be about the boys anymore. They
were almost twenty-one and had embarked on a life of their own. They didn’t
need her anymore and her husband had died. There was nothing holding her here.

Janie turned the corner and had walked about a hundred yards
when she found herself stopped in front of a church; a big Catholic church.
Once again, pictures of Matt inundated her mind and she could almost feel her
hand in his, his thumb caressing her skin. Janie walked up the steps and pulled
open the large door and stepped inside. It was cool and quiet and the stained
glass windows allowed colored light to dance across the wooden pews. Taking a
few steps inside she was engulfed in sadness and moved to the closest bench and
slid down burying her face in her hands. This is how it had been the last
several days: fine one minute and totally depressed the next.

How can I feel like this? I only spent two weeks with him!
The tiny taste of happiness she felt with Matt had been ripped from her
when she left New York and instead of slowly healing, she was only becoming
more despondent.

After several minutes, something was placed next to her on
the bench. Startled, Janie looked up to see a box of tissues and the kind face
of a priest.

“May I sit with you?” he asked.

Janie nodded and grabbed a couple of tissues from the box
and blew her nose. She took a deep breath and thanked the priest.

“I’m Father Brian,” he smiled.

“Janie,” she whispered.

“Hello Janie. Maybe you’d like to talk?”

Janie shook her head, “I don’t think talking will help, but
thank you.”

“Well then maybe I could just sit here with you.” His eyes
were kind and his presence actually made Janie feel a little better.

Sitting in silence for a few minutes gave Janie an
opportunity to blow her nose again and wipe her eyes. She hadn’t cried that
hard since the night she arrived back from her vacation. Since then she had
tried to keep busy, keep her mind and body focused on tasks, any diversion
available.

“I met someone and I fell in love with him but he isn’t
interested in any form of commitment and so there isn’t a future and he lives
in New York and I live here so it wouldn’t work anyway, but I didn’t think I
could fall in love with him but I did and now I’m here and alone again and it’s
just hard,” she sobbed. Janie took another deep breath and tried to stop the
tears.

“Sometimes a good cry is needed,” Father Brian smiled.

“I’m sorry,” Janie said. “I’m not even Catholic.”

Father Brian chuckled and patted her hand, “That’s more than
alright. All God’s children are welcome here.”

“I went to a Catholic service in New York a couple of weeks
ago,” she added. “I guess that’s maybe why I came in here.”

“You attended mass with this man you are talking about?”

Janie nodded, “And his family.”

Father Brian tilted his head. “Janie, tell me about this
man?”

“His name’s Matt. I met him on my way to New York and we
spent the two weeks I was there together, but he said right up front that he
didn’t do commitment, just sex.”

Janie immediately blushed at her uncensored statement. “Oh,
I’m sorry.”

He chuckled again, “That’s quite alright. I understand.”

Janie continued, “I didn’t think I was going to fall in love
with him. It was all so fast, but I do love him, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

“Oh heavens, no! He made it very clear that he wasn’t
interested in anything more than the two weeks I was there!”

“Well I don’t have any experience in these matters
personally. But I do know that we should listen to our hearts. Let yours tell
you what you should do.”

*****

As Janie walked back down her street to her house, feeling
better after her talk with Father Brian, she saw her realtor, Amanda, hammering
the ‘For Sale’ sign in the front yard.

It’s really happening! I am selling the house!

Amanda greeted her warmly and handed her a flyer to look
over.

“Wow! This makes my house sound wonderful,” Janie laughed.

“It is wonderful! This is a very desirable neighborhood. You
are in a great school district and have a low crime rate. I am confident it
will sell very quickly, even at the asking price.” Amanda sounded very optimistic.
“And we are going to have the Open House on Saturday, like we had talked about.
Let’s hit the ground running, shall we? And don’t forget the realtor’s tour is
tomorrow at nine. You probably don’t want to be home for that.”

“Right,” Janie remembered. “I’ll be gone by the time you get
here. And on Saturday? Should I be gone for that too?”

“Oh, yes, definitely. Potential buyers don’t want the owners
here. It makes them uncomfortable.”

Janie nodded and said goodbye to her realtor.
I guess I
will be scrubbing with a toothbrush for the next four days,
she thought
.
Better get to it!

*****

Matt sat behind his glass desk, the official partnership
documents spread out with several ‘Sign here’ tags marking the pages. He lifted
his fountain pen and unscrewed the cap.

“You don’t have to give me half your company, Matt,” Mark
pleaded for the umpteenth time. “Especially now, after Janie has gone back to
Portland and you seem to be content with letting that be the end of it.”

Matt looked up at Mark, sitting in the chair in front of
him. “First off, it’s only thirty-five percent. I still and will always
maintain controlling ownership. I have told you for years that it is your
company too and this just makes it official and you a ton richer,” he smiled.
“And secondly, I am not content that she left; I’m pissed off. But she did
leave. I have no control over that.”

“I’ve never seen you like this.” Mark was worried. “I saw
the way you looked at each other. Whatever it is you feel it is definitely
mutual. I don’t understand…”

“It’s not fair to her,” Matt interrupted. “If I had known
from the beginning that her husband had died of cancer I would never have asked
her out. She is too emotional and vulnerable and I should never have messed
with that. But after I found out it was too late and I was selfish and
indulged. I’m not proud of it.”

“He’s been dead for over a year! She was obviously ready to
move on because she
did
go out with you. I don’t get why you’re being so
stubborn.”

“Because I would rather die than hurt her,” Matt admitted.

“Maybe you should have told her how you feel and given her
the opportunity to decide. She left not knowing all the facts and that’s not
her fault.”

“No, it’s mine.”

*****

Tuesday morning Janie was up and out of the house by 8:30am.
She had planned several errands to make sure she gave the realtors plenty of
time to critique her house. It would never make it into a design magazine, but
it was homey and comfortable. Most of the furniture was gone, thanks to the
Goodwill truck, leaving the house simple and open and uncluttered. There were
no photos of the family and no trinkets or knick knacks to personalize it.
Amanda had said it would be easier to sell if the potential buyers could
envision themselves there, and photos were an obstacle in that process. Janie
felt okay about boxing all of it up; it helped with her physical and emotional
cleansing. She hoped Amanda would be pleased with her efforts.

She pulled into the dry cleaners and dropped off the two
black dresses she had worn in New York. As she handed them over, she was filled
with the memory of Matt undoing the zipper and slipping his hands underneath
the fabric. She closed her eyes and tried to stop her mind but she could smell
him, taste him, feel him and it was all a bit too much. Her eyes filled with
tears and she hurried back to the car before she made an idiot of herself.

Will I ever be free of him?
she thought.

Her next stop was at the bank
. Drive thru this time. Less
embarrassing!
She transferred money from the money market account to her
checking account. She could have done it at home on the computer, but she
needed to find errands to run and it took up ten minutes. Plus, she needed to
pick up a new car charger for her cell phone and the electronics store was
right next to the bank.

After an hour, her errands were completed so she headed over
to her mother’s house. She only lived about fifteen minutes away and she needed
to talk to her about the boys anyway.

She found her mom in the backyard on her hands and knees
planting rows of pansies. Every spring, Patricia, Patty to her friends, spent
hours and hours and hundreds of dollars filling all the flower beds with
annuals. It was obvious where Janie’s love of flowers came from.

“Hi, Mom,” she called, as she walked into the yard.

“Hi, honey. I’m so glad you stopped by. I need to hear all
about your trip!” Patty stood and wiped her hands on her pants. “I’ll grab some
coffee and we can sit out here. It’s supposed to rain this afternoon, but I’d
like to enjoy the sun while we can see it,” she chuckled.

Patty stepped inside for a couple of minutes and came out
through the sliding glass door with a tray holding cups of steaming coffee and
some mini chocolate donuts, her weakness. Janie smiled when she saw them and
took the cup from her mom.

“So, tell me all about it!”

Janie smiled and looked out at the garden. “I think one of
my favorite things was Central Park,” she said. “I spent hours wandering, not
heading anywhere specific. It really was amazing.”

“We have parks here, you know,” Patty grinned. “What else
did you do? You texted me about the baseball game and I talked to you after the
bus tour. Did you get to see the Statue of Liberty? I know it was on your
list.”

Janie closed her eyes and didn’t want to talk about it. ‘The
Lady’ brought back a flood of memories of Matt and being in his apartment and
the amazing time she’d had there. It wasn’t just the sex, although that had
been insanely good, but more of the feelings and emotions while she had been
with him. He had opened up to her about his friend Wes that had died on 9/11
and he had trusted her with talking about the painful loss of his unborn baby.
It was definitely more than just sex. There was a connection she felt to him
after that and it was so hard to let go of that.