Read Forever for a Year Online
Authors: B. T. Gottfred
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I touched the top. Weird! Feels weird! It was smooth ⦠wet. Maybe sticky? Oh my God, did he pee? No. No. Maybe he went already? I don't know. I don't know!
His hips were gyrating faster than usual. He liked it. He liked it. Oh my gosh, I was doing a good job. I reached farther down and my fingers went along the side. Weird, weird, weird. And then I grabbed it. And he grunted. Grunted? Or was that a moan. What's a moan? Why is there not a big instruction manual about this!
It felt very soft. I mean, it was ⦠you know ⦠hard ⦠but the actual skin of his ⦠penis ⦠it was soft. So soft. Not like other parts of his body. Or my body. So weird. It felt like an alien. Maybe that's wrong. Like, I'm sure it's normal. But it was different. So different. I just held it. I didn't know what to do. In the porn, the woman moved her hand, but I couldn't move my hand because my wrist was pinned by the waist of his jeans. Not really move it anyway. And wouldn't that hurt? So I just held it. And he was moving back and forth on top of me, so I guess my hand was moving a little. Or it was moving a little inside my hand.â¦
This is a hand job, right? Right? I was doing it, right? Right?
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Carolina was ⦠grabbing it. It felt so ⦠intense ⦠so intense ⦠My head was draining of all thoughts and all its brains and all that was left was that tingle, the tingle in my body filling my head, getting bigger and bigger and bigger ⦠I needed to move, I needed to kiss her, I needed to move ⦠I needed to grab her, so my fingers gripped her under her shoulder bladesâdid that feel okay for her?⦠I needed to move ⦠move, move, move, move, move, move, needed to move so that I could â¦
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I knew, from what I'd read on the internet, that most boys my age were masturbating a lot by now. At least they were saying they were. But ⦠And yeah, I had looked at porn a bunch, but, and this may make me sound like a dork or whatever, it didn't do anything for me. It was cool. I guess. I don't know. But, like, I didn't get an erection. Is that strange? How could I really know? You can't talk to your friends about this and I hadn't had any friends, not real ones, for almost two years because of my mom and moving. So I just played video games and kissed only that one girl between Dakota and Carolina. With Dakota I never felt anything like this, but I was thirteen and I didn't really care about doing anything with her.
Crap. Okay. Listen. So. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I had never â¦
I had woken up three times in the morning after ⦠a wet dream. What a lame name for it. But it's not like I remember it. Not really. But besides those wet dreams, I had never ⦠come. Cum. Come. Whatever. I mean, I had erections and I touched myself, but just never all the way ⦠Am I a dork? Who knows? Who cares â¦
It's just that right now, right this very second, my whole body was like a speeding car going two hundred miles per hour and I swear it was levitating off the couch and the only thing that was holding me down from floating away was Carolina and her hand around my ⦠that's ⦠I should stop ⦠No way, no way, just move and move and move and move and â¦
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He was thrusting faster and faster, and I started to get a little scared, like he couldn't control it and I couldn't control him and I almost let go but then I was worried about letting go, so I just held on and didn't do anything but grip it tighter and tighter as he moved faster and faster until â¦
He grunted really loud and then, gush.
Oh my GOSH. It went into his underwear, but also on my hand. It was hot and really gross. So gross. But don't think it's gross, Carolina. But it was, and he stopped thrusting and his whole body was shaking, like he was sick, so I reached my free arm around and pulled him close. To steady him. He was scared too. Which I liked. Then he stopped kissing me and then he said, “I'm sorry.”
“Why⦔ was he sorry? But I couldn't finish the sentence.
“I ⦠just ⦠are you okay?”
“Yes, I mean, yes ⦠are you okay? Did I do a good job?” Oh, please, let me have done a good job!
“You did, oh my God, Carolina, it felt better than anything I have ever felt in my life.”
“Really?” Really!
“Oh yeah. Soâyeah ⦠Yeah. So good. I just ⦠I feel great, I mean, it felt great, but I want to make sure you feel okay.⦔
“Yes,” yes, yes, yes. Trevor was so nice, he was making me less nervous by the second. So I said, “Can I let go?”
“Oh yeah, sorry,” he said. Then I pulled away my hand, which was sticky, so I wiped it on the cushion, but subtly so he wouldn't notice. He slid off of me and onto his shoulder. I turned so I was on my shoulder, facing him on the couch. He looked at me in a way he had never looked at me before. He was scared. More scared than I had been. Oh my gosh. I was so mature. Wasn't I?
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“Carolina, just because⦔ I started, but then, crap. My mom was right. This was hard to talk about. Do it, Trevor! You didn't talk about it before or during like you promised your mom and yourself, so talk about it now. Do it! “Carolina ⦠just because we did that, it doesn't mean we have to have sex.”
“Oh ⦠I⦔
“Not that that's the same or close. But what we did was more than kissing. Right?” I wished I could change my underwear.
“Yeah,” she said.
“What we did was a big deal. Right?” Maybe it wasn't a big deal to her. Maybe she thinks I'm such a dorky prude.
“Right,” she said. Okay. Good.
So I said, “But sex is even bigger.”
“I agree.”
“Is it strange that I'm talking about this? I feel so stupid talking about it.”
“I like that you're talking about it,” she said, which made me feel like such a great boyfriend. So mature. I can't believe my mom's advice was so smart.
I said, because I couldn't stop thinking about how she had made me feel, “I really, really liked what you did.” Maybe I hoped by telling her how much I liked it, she would want to do it again. That's manipulative. Don't do that, Trevor.
“Really?” she said again. How could she be surprised? She was so perfect at this and everything.
“Oh yeah. So much. But we don't have to do it ever again if you don't want.” Oh man, that would suck so bad if we never did that again, but I love her, so yeah, right, it would be okay. But it would suck.
“I would ⦠we could⦔
“But we wouldn't have to,” I said. Stop saying that! But no, it's the right thing to say. What else is the right thing to say?
“I like making you feel good,” she said.
“I love you, Carolina,” I said.
“Oh my gosh, I love you, Trevor.”
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Oh my gosh, if someone had looked at my phone, or Trevor's, they would have seen a gazillion texts that said “I love you” and “I love you so much” and “I love you so, so, so much” and “I love you more than anyone else has ever loved anyone” and a gazillion more just like those. I'd been copying all of our texts onto my computer, then e-mailing them to myself so in case my phone got lost or stolen I'd have the texts saved. Because someday, like twenty years from now, when Trevor and I are the greatest couple anyone has ever seen in history, we might want to read what we texted to each other when we first fell in love.
So, anyway. After I told Trevor that we were going to homecoming with Peggy and Henry, he wasn't that excited. He didn't say anything, I could just tell. So I asked him if he wanted to invite any of his friends to be in our group. But I only said this because I knew he didn't have any friends ⦠except Trevor
did
have friends to invite. Which freaked me out because I didn't want to upset Peggy. How come I was so worried about Peggy? Trevor texted me that Aaron and Tor, two sophomores from the cross-country team, would also be part of our group. Ugh. Disaster. I didn't know what to do, so I texted Peggy about Aaron and Tor. Then she texted me back that that was fine because Licker and Jake were coming as well with their dates. (What desperate girl would go to homecoming with Jake? But that's mean, so I didn't really ask that.) Then two days later, Peggy texted me and said that Katherine was getting a party bus and they needed more people to help pay for it, so suddenly our group for homecoming was, like, half the school. I'm exaggerating. But it's for effect. So when I texted Trevor about the bus, he texted me that we should just go with his cross-country friends because they won't want to go on the bus. Oh my gosh! My boyfriend wanted me to ditch my best friend! I didn't text him back right away and he realized I was upset, so he texted me a second time that the bus would be fun. He didn't mean it, but I texted him back,
ME
I love you sooooooo
oooooooooooooooo
much
And he texted me back,
TREVOR
I love you too
Which I could tell was not very enthusiastic, which I think meant he was upset about the bus, but I think sometimes both people can't get what they want and best friends (Peggy) are more important than new friends (Aaron and Tor). So I didn't feel bad about getting my way.
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On the night of homecoming, Peggy wanted me to come over and get ready with her. But Trevor wanted to pick me up. He had just gotten his driver's permit, so he was allowed to drive as long as one of his parents was in the car. This was really difficult for me. I loved Trevor more than life itself, but I didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings. So I asked my parents at dinner for their advice, which was so weird since I never asked them for advice at the same time.
“You have known Peggy a lot longer. I'm sure Trevor will understand,” my mom said.
But my dad said, “Didn't Trevor agree to go on the party bus for you?”
“Yeah⦔ I said.
“So I think it would be a good compromise to let him pick you up. When a boy first gets to drive, it's very important, and he wants to share that with you.” Gosh. My dad was brilliant. He was right. I'm so lucky to have him as my dad. And, you know, I think this is why it's important for kids to have both dads and moms. So they can give you advice on the opposite sex. I mean, I'm, obviously, supportive of gay marriage because we are all equal and everyone should be able to love who they love. But I'm just saying that it might be hard for two lesbian moms to give a girl advice on teenage boys and how they might like to drive a car for their girlfriend. But, you know, I bet if my mom were a lesbian then my other lesbian mom wouldn't have hurt her like my dad did. So maybe no parents are perfect no matter what. I don't know. Never mind.
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So on the night of homecoming, I wore a strapless dark green dress and black high heels that showed my toes. My dad bought the dress for me because my mom thought I could just wear the same dress I had for our first date at Lou Malnati's. She just didn't get it. It doesn't matter.
It was the first time I was wearing a strapless dress since I was, like, ever. But last weekend, Trevor and I had hooked up in his basement again and he was great, and we talked about how we wanted to feel our skin closer to each other so I took off his shirt and he took off mine (but I said I wanted to keep my bra on and he was super nice and said whatever I wanted). Anyway, he kept saying what a sexy body I had, and I said, “My shoulders are so big,” and he said, “They are so toned and sexy,” and he said I had a better stomach than he did and I guess that was nice, but really it was my shoulders that I liked being called sexy. I guess that's what made me get the strapless dress. Even though now that I was waiting for him to pick me up, I felt naked.
It didn't help when my mom said, “It looks like lingerie.” Oh gosh, I wanted to change that instant before I stopped breathing, but my dad said, “Our daughter looks very, very beautiful.”
“Trevor's going to think sex thoughts,” my mom said.
“He's a teenage boy; he would think them if she was wearing sweatpants.”
“Ugh, fine. You do look beautiful, Carolina. Your mother just ⦠isn't ready for you to grow up, I guess.”
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When Trevor arrived in his dad's BMW, his dad was in the passenger seat and Lily was in the back. I guess his mom was sick or something. Anyway, Trevor stepped out of the car in a tux with a thin black tie and he looked so, so, so, so amazing. Like there should be photographers taking pictures of him everywhere he went. Like he was worth a million dollars.
“He is very handsome,” my mom said as we watched him walk toward our house. Lily raced behind him even though her dad was yelling at her to get back in the car.
When I opened the door, Lily screamed, “Oh, Carolina, you look so incredible. I can't even believe it.” My parents laughed. They had never met Lily, but you could tell they loved her the second she said that. It's impossible not to love Lily. Then she said, “Trevor, doesn't Carolina look like the most beautiful girl you have ever seen?”
“Yes, Lily,” he said, then leaned and kissed me on the lips. I was worried about my lipstick smearing, but then I thought that was dumb so I didn't worry about it and just enjoyed kissing him. We took a bunch of pictures, by ourselves and some with Lily, then I hugged my parents good-bye and got into the front passenger seat. Trevor got behind the wheel. He looked so old. Like twenty.